Maximum Executive Bob Lutz is spreading the Christm, excuse me, Holiday cheer over at the GM Fastlane blog today. You see, Lutz is troubled by the amount of attention that his firm has attracted since going on the holiday handout dole. Yes, “the sheer volume of words written about the auto industry in the past month or two is enough to fill the Library of Congress (Yes, I’m employing irony),” writes Lutz, or some well-paid ghostwriter. “Some of the material generated has been ill-informed and off the mark. Some have used the same old and outdated anti-Detroit rhetoric and bias we’ve been seeing for years,” continues the man of maximum. And so, Lutz suggests a steady diet of Detroit appologia from the pantheon of bailout-backing pundits. Specifically…

The meltdown of America’s automakers has frayed its fair share of nerves in the autoblogosphere lately. Which is fairly understandable. Folks who used to get paid for online automotive PDA s are now being forced to confront the fact that their advertisers beloved domestic firms have been failing for years and are desperately trying to survive on federal handouts. And this isn’t easy. From Autoblog’s Comic Life captions (must. not. dignify. with. snark.) to Jalopnik’s ongoing “Carpocalypse Now” series, autobloggers are desperately trying to turn the sad news into good old intarweb lulz. And few walk the tortuous line between credibility (calling Detroit’s woes as they are) and goof-tainment with more schizophrenic abandon than Jalopnik’s Ray Wert. The former Jennifer Granholm staffer just can’t escape his Detroit apologist roots, but his pro-bailout spin is generating enough centrifugal force to launch a Ford Excursion into the stratosphere. And it appears to be taking his already-tenuous definition of the term “irony” with it. Having already inexplicably defended the leadership of Rick Wagoner, and termed the bailout bill “ Bankruptcy Lite,” Wert is causing more head asplosion this morning by hailing the House passage of said bill with a Ronald Reagan “Morning In America” campaign video. Dude, check it out: Reagan believed in markets. He would not have seen this unconscionable waste of of taxpayer money as “Morning In America.” And before you even claim that somehow the video is “ironic,” I want you to stop and brush up on the concept. Doing something idiotic and then claiming irony whe you are called out doesn’t make it clever. Irony is found in intellectual tension, not asinine non-sequitors. But by all means, bash back.

She beckoned me. She betrayed me. Like a transvestite with a svelte smooth body, exposed by ungodly rough stubble underneath her lip. The 1990 Mercury Sable had a perfect silhouette that was maligned by two hundred parking lot dings and scratches on her lower front bumper. An older lady had given her some brutal blows to that lower psyche of hers over the years and now it was my turn at the wheel… so to speak. Little did I know that this first encounter would be just the beginning of The Crying Game. This particular example of a Mercury Sable was as unique as it was dichotomous. 47,000 original miles in 18 years. But a base model with a fecal brown exterior. The equally repugnant plaid brown interior did the vehicle no favors. But Hell. For $600 I’d just be willing to cover her up in a paper bag and drive her around town for a while.

Automotive News [AN, sub] headlines its story about the cutbacks in auto industry ad spending with “We’ll all be singing Motown blues in ’09.” What do you mean “we” white men? According to AN, “Long-term media plans are history, and buys are being made month to month or even day to day. More ‘accountable’ media such as interactive are likely to be stressed.” We’re interactive, aren’t we? Accountable? Anyway, TTAC is a lean, mean news, reviews and rants machine (i.e. it’s run a by a nutter in the attic). But those automotive organizations with high-priced talent and big overheads (i.e. everyone else) are looking at some serious pain. “GM’s recovery plan, turned over to Congress, calls for it to cut a massive $600 million out of its marketing over four years. Ford will trim up to 10 percent of its outlay next year, which could result in another $100 million moving out of the market based on its measured spending of $757 million in the first nine months of the year… Chrysler is staying mum on its spending plans, but it’s a good gamble that the automaker will have to slash a big chunk of the $579 million TNS tracked it spending in the first nine months of this year.” I suggest that Motown’s media cheerleaders and apologists file this one under “be careful what you wish for.” Check out the tone after the jump.

Yesterday, we took Autobloggreen (ABG) to task for running a thinly-veiled pimpatorial for the new Mercedes-Benz GL320 BlueTec. Their post was disguised as a celebrity trend piece, supposedly informing eco-readers that Hollywood eco-warriors were exchanging their Priora for an equally PC Mercedes-Benz GL320 BlueTec diesel. We so busted them, from the manufacturer’s plates on the carefully-posed cheesecake shot’s whip, to the fact that ABG printed the entire MB press release verbatim. And now, surprise! They’re reviewing the Mercedes-Benz GL320 BlueTec. And do they like it? What do you think? But there is humor here, to be sure. “The garish graphics on the GM hybrid SUVs scream out to the world, ‘look I bought a hybrid! even though I’m still driving alone in an a 6,000 lb, seven passenger SUV!’ The Mercedes, on the other hand, only has discreet BlueTec badges on the front fenders and the tailgate. Aside from that and the GL320 badge, there is no other indication that this vehicle can get mileage in the mid-20s.” Whoa! Mid-20s? In an SUV? ABG’s planet saving mission is go! With 11k worth of options, no less…

Thanks to our new feature– What Wrong With This Picture (3WTP)– I am trained in the fine art of anomaly spotting. So when I saw this Autobloggreen (ABG) photo of Emmy Rossum filling-up her Blue Tec Merc with diesel, the cognitive dissonance nearly deafened me. First, check the posture. Emmy’s feet are way too close together for proper pumping. Second, the shoes. Have you ever tried driving an SUV in high heels? (Trust me, it’s not a good idea.) Third, why is she looking at the pump? I highly doubt she’s worried about the price. And if she was worried about nozzle blowback, she’d already be standing away from the vehicle. And then there’s the photog’s reflection. Only professional photogs assume that kind of contorted position, or use such a huge aperture (the camera). And so I read the text, which seemed to indicate that this is some kind of trend: celebs ditching Priora for Mercedes BlueTec diesel SUVs. Which makes no sense whatsoever. “Recently the likes of Naomi Watts, Kyle MacLachlan and Gary Oldman have been turning up driving Mercedes-Benz BlueTec diesels like the ML320 and E320. While these vehicles are not in the same green class as the Toyota, the do offer the other attributes of a Benz with much better fuel efficiency than gasoline-powered alternatives.” Which sounds an awful lot like PR copy to me…

Warren Brown is a shameless Detroit cheerleader. The Washington Post’s carmudgeon’s inability to criticize Motown’s products, process or prognosis has provided TTAC grill mist for years. Recently, we chronicled WaPo Warren’s lame, lamentable attempt to play the race card on The Big 2.8’s behalf. “ Reluctance to Help Detroit Reeks of Class Bias” takes a different– though equally fabulous– tack. Brown starts by suggesting that anti-bailout journalists are effete intellectual snobs. “The queries [against the bailout] often come from people who earn substantially more than the estimated $71,000 annually in wages and benefits paid to UAW members. They come from people who, having reached upper-middle-class status by virtue of their college educations and communication skills, certainly wouldn’t settle for earning less.” Does Warren know that the UAW has a freelance writers’ branch? Anyway, the main event: “There is a feeling in this country– apparent in the often condescending, dismissive way Detroit’s automobile companies have been treated on Capitol Hill– that people who work with their hands and the companies that employ them are inferior to those who work with their minds and plow profit from information. How else to explain the clearly disparate treatment given to companies such as Citigroup and General Motors?” How else indeed. More WTF after the jump.

Not to red rag the bulls of our Best and Brightest oil-burning automotive acolytes, but iafrica.com pits the Audi Q7 4.2 FSI V8 against the BMW X5 3.0sd and the Lexus RX400h to find out which is the best way to propel a big ass five-passenger SUV with no off-road chops whatsoever. In case the suspense might have been killing you, scribe Michele Lupini rosebuds this sled from the first ‘graph. “The result is a bit of a shock, if you would excuse the pun.” OK, so, irony-free, Africancentric perspective on the hideous Audi Q7: “Its styling divides opinion — personally I like it but we have debated this one long and hard in the office and, to be quite honest, I doubt it’s an argument that will ever be quite resolved. Yes Q7 is bold, big and imposing — and it’s selling by the dozen so it must be popular…” Apparently, the turbo-diesel Bimmer sells by the two dozens. “As noted above, X5 is a pretty sharp driving tool and this is one of very few cars these days that still has a waiting list on it. And its premier turbodiesel driving experience is quite a hoot, let alone a most gratifying experience…” And now, the winner… (I love elipses too!)

As the battle over bailout bucks rages, it’s easy to get the impression that Fortress Detroit is unanimous in its support for the home team. As usual though, there’s more to the story than just the loudest voices. The New York Times conducted interviews across the state over the last two weeks, and found that opposition to the bailout, if only in private. “There are plenty of people who are rolling their eyes,” said Bill Ballenger, editor of Inside Michigan Politics newsletter. “You keep your head down if you’re one of them, but they’re out there.” And much of the opposition seems to come from Michigan residents who lost their jobs before the automakers even came begging for a bailout. “How many other, small companies would like a bailout?” asks Heather Davison, an unemployed graphic designer who lost her job at a real estate publication a year ago. “It seems to me that the car companies saw the banks getting a bailout and said, ‘Oh, let’s go!’”

If anyone knows the pressures of covering Motown’s meltdown, it’s me. I’m putting in some serious time behind this keyboard (“that’s why they call it work” my wife reminds me) trying to keep up with a news cycle that makes a racing bike seem like a mobility scooter (or something like that). My favorite carmudgeon Dan Neil blew a gasket earlier today, arguing for– yes for— the creation of an American Leyland. The same Dan Neil whose criticism of GM’s management (before criticizing Motown’s management was cool) sparked a retaliatory ad boycott and, thus, the first GM Death Watch. And now Autoblog supremo John Neff has gone off the deep end. In the recently launched “Opinion” category– an inherently bad idea for writers with all the teeth of a Chrysaora fuscescens— Neff wails “Stop arm-chair quarterbacking the auto industry.” Huh? If that’s not a textbook example of pathological solipsism, Bob Lutz is. Anyway, Neff’s knickers are in a right royal twist.

When Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” was first published, its sustained and unyielding irony lead more than a few to believe that the Irish scribe was actually advocating for cannibalism and infanticide. With the benefit of nearly 300 years, we can now recognize Swift’s detailed plan to serve the children of Ireland’s poor to their landlords as biting satire. Reading the LA Times‘ Dan Neil’s own “modest proposal,” one can’t help but go back and check for signs of self-aware irony (a far less scarce resource than it was in 1729). Sadly, there’s no much to go on, leading me to believe that Dan Neil actually wants the United States federal government to purchase General Motors. Or is there? After the usual litany of Big 3 woes, Neil “modestly proposes” as US takeover of GM. He then correctly anticipates the “gall of free-market ideology rising” in his readers, and he breaks down the case. And it’s off to irony no-mans land.

Seeking Alpha prides itself “the premier financial website for actionable stock market opinion and analysis.” When it comes to what should happen with GM, they are on our side: “Buyout better than bailout,” writes Seeking Alpha. Roger that. We have been picking-up indications that Chinese automakers SAIC and Dongfeng may have plans to buy assets of GM (and while they are at it, maybe even of Chrysler). China would get what it badly needs for its thriving domestic car industry to become an even more thriving international car industry: accepted brands, a worldwide distribution network and know-how necessary to comply with US and worldwide standards. Apparently, private equity firms are keen to aid this “transfer.” Behind all of this (of course) stands the Chinese government. The People’s Republic owns most of automakers SAIC and Dongfeng, along with a good chunk of the private equity firm Blackstone, a good chunk of Morgan, and a good chunk of T-bills (to the tune of $585b).

Sweet Pete DeLorenzo has made no bones about where he stands on the bailout, and having lashed out at the nattering nabobs of negativity (us), he’s turning attention to the old MSM and its coverage of the great bailout begathon of ’08. As a rash of common sense thinking about Detroit metastasizes into the mainstream, DeLorenzo is doubling down on his affection for Motown, and conducting interviews with whomever will listen to his rah-rah routine. In today’s Autoextremist Rant, he takes on the perception gap, that mythical construct which prevents the benighted masses from appreciating the truly great products Detroit offers. “The Perception Gap that exists out there for the Detroit automakers isn’t narrowing,” argues DeLorenzo, “it’s actually growing wider. Because when Americans get what minimal news they’re willing to digest – and only because it’s pre-packaged in carefully doled-out sound bites – then the Old Detroit will perennially overshadow the New Detroit, hands down.”

Ford dumps Mazda. Tormented U.S. automaker Ford Motor Co may announce plans to sell a 20 percent stake in long-time affiliate Mazda Motor Corp as early as today, Japan’s Nikkei business daily (sub) reported as the sun rose in the land of the rising sun. Japanese broadcaster NHK had reported more than a month ago that Ford is looking to severely lighten-up on Mazda. Currently, Ford has a controlling stake of 33.4 percent in the Japanese automaker, but Ford needs the cash.

Sell-off drives up shares: Selling a 20 percent stake will net Ford around $850 million, or more. Mazda’s shares jumped 6.4 percent on the report of Ford’s sell-off. The estranged lovers share vehicle platforms and engineering resources and own several assembly plants together in the United States, Thailand and China. With Ford out of control at Mazda, those plants should receive some Japanese gardening.

Deal done. Later in the Japanese day, Mazda sent out an official release confirming the story. It’s in Japanese, but a usually reliable source ( my Japanese wife) says it’s the real McCoy-San. Ford is down to 13 percent. Kawaii!

GM-Europe-VP: “The end may not be near.” Brent Dewar, multipurpose VP for Sales, Marketing, and After-Sales at GM Europe penned an inspirational letter to dealers: “As bad as the current results may sound, we don’t know whether we already have reached the end of the crisis.” Autohaus has a copy. From his bunker in Zurich, Dewar commands his sales forces to “fight to the last sale.”

And that WASn’t all, there’s …

The New York Times wants everyone everywhere to drive fuel-efficient automobiles or, preferably, take the subway. The Gray Lady’s Op Ed staff view SUV and pickup drivers as intellectually, politically, environmentally and morally corrupt. At the moment, the Times has won the day; new federal regulations force automakers to sell fuel-sippers or die– at least until they can figure-out a way to queer the system. But don’t expect magnanimity from the Big Apple Boyz. They see Ford’s new F-150, one of America’s most popular vehicles, as recidivism of the worst sort. “We fear that a $1.50 drop in gas prices was all it took to blunt Detroit’s newfound fervor for energy efficiency. Just a few weeks ago, the Big Three American automakers convinced Congress to give them $25 billion in cheap loans to retool their plants to make fuel-efficient cars. Then, with nary a blush, the Ford Motor Company introduced the new star in its line: the 2009, 3-ton, 16-miles-per-gallon, F-150 pickup.” The nerve! The fact that the new F-150 is the most fuel-efficient full-size pickup truck on the market doesn’t seem to matter. Ford– and by extension Detroit– just aren’t trying hard enough…

So conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh is a big “friend” of GM’s. Thanks to pressure from Ralph Nader’s org on the FCC, El Rushbo decided it was in his own best interest to stop slipping mentions of GM products into his dietribes [sic]. These days, the segments promoting the General’s vehicles are separated from the main program- ish. But the question of conflict of interest rears its ugly head once more, as Limbaugh claims that he bought a listener a Chevy Tahoe, Elvis-style. According to the headline at rushlimbaugh.com, “It’s Official: Rush Buys Chevy Tahoe for Kerrville, Texas Caller.” Yada yada yada Zicam (don’t ask) go get a car on me. The transcript leads me to believe that the whole deal is a lightly-disguised marketing stunt– and contains some awesome unintentional humor: “She said, ‘I’ll pick one that I would normally buy.’ I said, ‘No, pick what you want. As long as it’s a GM car, pick what you want.’ So she finally picked a green Chevy Tahoe. She picked a green Chevy Tahoe. I don’t think it’s a hybrid. I’m not sure if she got the hybrid or not, but I do know that she drove off the lot with it yesterday. She and her husband have a brand-new green Chevy Tahoe, and the Kerrville, Texas, paper had been running stories on this. It’s the cutest thing. It is just the cutest thing. So they were just… They didn’t believe it.” The question is, do we believe that Rush paid for this out of his own pocket? Make the jump to read the rest of undeclared pimpatorial.