“While I have no statistical data to support my theory that Lexus drivers collectively exhibit the worst roadside manners in the U.S.,” The Detroit News‘ Scott Burgess writes, “I have plenty of anecdotal evidence: The Lexus driver on her cell phone in California who nearly ran me off the road in Westwood. The South Florida Lexus driver on his cell phone using the emergency lane to bypass traffic. Other Lexus drivers cutting me off, tailgating me or the never even seeing me. Somehow, Lexus can take a nice guy and transform him into Mad Max.” Whoa! Lexus? Mad Max?

I’m delighted to welcome TTAC commentator factotum to the other side of the WordPress platform. When Jeff volunteered to perform endless search-and-amend missions on our typos, bad grammar, factual mistakes, variance from the Chicago stylebook, punctuation transgressions, etc., I leaped at his offer. He stepped to one side. I hit the floor. Nothing new there. I freely admit that I get sloppier at the keys as I get tired, and man do I get tired knocking out this stuff. To that end I’m off the Lexapro. And man do I get dizzy. With Jeff sweeping up behind the circus elephants—what? and give up show biz?—I’m hoping my OCD won’t return with such a vengeance, so I can restore the personal energy levels that helped propel this quirky little car site to its million man per month march. OK, so now that I’ve done the TMI bit, I surrender the recently cleaned floor to Mr. Puthuff to introduce himself.

When Daniel Howes was a European correspondent, I had nothing but respect for his work. Since relocating to Detroit, my former main man has lost the fearless objectivity he displayed in his e-missive from across the pond. Lately, Howes’ column has blended piercing glimpses into the obvious, recaps of well-known events and a newfound ability to not say anything much. Today, like yesterday’s AutoExtremism, Danny finds his inner TTAC. Only one problem: “Jobs bank end won’t halt D.C. bias” channels Howes’ anger at Washington’s hypocritical bailout minders. Sigh. Moral relativism—those evil bankers got their money without a public humiliation and strings made of piano wire—may give hope to the hometown crowd, but it’s an old, moldy, shoddy shibboleth. Danny should know better. How many times does one have to say that two wrongs don’t make a right? I mean, he’s WAY off target. Again.

Peter M. De Lorenzo, the self-styled AutoExtremist, seems to have calmed down a notch or two in recent weeks. Sweet Pete is back to taking well-aimed rifle shots at the industry’s soft spots. This week, he takes on J.D. Power and Associates. As SP points out, few consumers realize that J.D. Power is a for-profit marketing/research/data mill firm dedicated to raking in the bucks by any means possible. “Their latest money-making brainstorm? Something called the ‘Vehicle Launch Index.'” Using a bunch of pseudo-scientific statistical mumbo-jumbo, J.D. Power says they will be able to measure the effectiveness of new model launch campaigns AND tell the auto makers how to do it better. Peter doesn’t miss a step when he says: “J.D. Power has honed its brazen formula of Unmitigated Gall + Unmitigated Bullshit = Huge Wads of Cash exceedingly well over the years, and too often the auto industry blindly catered to Power with little rhyme or reason other than the fact that they were afraid what would happen if theydidn’t bow down to them.

I find the whole “TTAC is pro-Toyota” meme a little strange. Have a look at our coverage of their greenwashing or our reviews of their automobiles (including our excoriation of various Scion). Yes, The Big 2.8 get ten times the coverage afforded the transplants. But we’re an American-based website, and the Motown meltdown is the biggest story in the history of American automaking. Yes, our Bertel Schmitt recently wrote a compare and contrast blog, pointing out the differences between Toyota’s response to the auto industry meltdown with GM’s. But it’s the truth dammit, and that’s the business we’re in. Feel free to discuss TTAC’s “perception gap” below. Meanwhile, I want to point out that Autoblog’s recent “discovery” [via their BFF at AutoLine] that Toyota has “only” $18.5b worth of cash, supposedly placing them in the same boat as, say, GM, is wildly disingenuous.

TTAC’s posting policy is clear, and clearly stated (above the posting box): no flaming the website, its authors or fellow commentators. I’ve explained the policy many times; it’s not about promoting a particular point-of-view. It’s about maintaining sufficient civility to engender honest, informed and passionate debate. Scartooth’s comments may have been a bit short on the informed side of the equation, but they represented a perspective which he has a right to hold and share. A perspective that gives us insight into the opinions of an increasingly bewildered and vocal segment of the U.S. population. That said, when Scartooth stepped over the line with a couple of racial slurs (which we don’t allow as a matter of course), he was warned. When Scartooth dissed his fellow commentators (who dares trip trap across this bridge?), he was banned. I am not delighted with his departure. Nor am I happy about some of the responses to his comments– since deleted. But I will defend TTAC’s comments section with vigilance and discipline. Feel free to discuss our posting policy below, but know this: I’d sooner cut off comments altogether than allow outside contributions to descend into meaningless name-calling.

“We now have a special bond with the American public,” said a certain Mr James E. Press of the Chrysler Motor Company at the Detroit Auto Show. Specifically, Mr Press’s firm owes American taxpayers $5.5b (including Chrysler financial aid) and have no real way of paying it back. But Chrysler’s gonna make it worth our while anyway; they’re gonna give Americans what they want. Wait, what do we want again? High-quality, practical, efficient, fun cars that hold their value? Hell no! We want the fourth installment of an aging action franchise to feature the cars and trucks of The New Chrysler! And boy are we gonna get that! Automotive News [sub] reports that Chrysler will give the makers of “Terminator: Salvation” an undisclosed amount of your tax money to feature their top-notch products alongside a certain Mr Christian Bale. Why? “We have a following with the Terminator movies and we are going to continue with that,” gushes a ChryCo media flack. Because things have been going so swell up to now? Because if Bale can save the Batman and Terminator franchises, you’ll make him CEO? Because you think machines will end the world before the American people get around to asking what you’ve done with their money?

Why does The Detroit News scribe Scott Burgess feel the need to diss environmentalists to praise a gas guzzler? Defensive much? All the time. In this case, Scott uses a Cadillac Escalade Hybrid to launch the usual condescension cruise missiles on tree huggers. “When the word ‘hybrid’ is scrawled across the front, back and sides of this big SUV… It creates a moral dilemma even Dr. Laura may not be able to solve as well as a jagged little pill for 40mpg.org to swallow. Can an American have a vehicle with room for eight but be environmentally sensitive? Could the crest and wreath really create the Cadillac of hybrids? Apparently so. The new Escalade hybrid offers prestige, power and just enough greenness to annoy environmentalists. Naturally, I love it.” And I love that “room for eight” thing. As if the fact that all those empty seats in the blinged-out Yukatoahoeburbalade make it somehow more environmentally friendly like, say, a minivan.

“With its sophisticatedly produced light metal wheels, AEZ targets an equally demanding and style-conscious clientele. An image, which is not just underlined in the new 38-page 2009 alloy catalogue by the high-quality product range, but also by the stylish model Caroline from Austria. For a whole week the photographer trekked with the stylish Viennese through the salines of Es Trenc in Mallorca for the shooting of the brochure. There she posed in the company of classy automobiles with partners made of cool aluminium that had exotic sounding names such as Lascar, Tidore dark or Tacana. In the resulting scenes, shot against natural backdrops, Caroline impressively showed that neither the industry-standard bare breasts nor promiscuous poses are needed to create a sexy aura.”

Have you ever opened a real estate magazine and read “House prices suck. They’re going to get worse. Stay away from real estate”? Obviously not. It’s a perspective problem shared by the American automotive press, whose Panglossian reviews rankle anyone who wants the truth about cars. Yada, yada, yada. Advertising. Unfortunately, the non-critical kudzu is starting to spread. We’ve already blogged the Motown-friendly press’ straw-grasping predictions for a sales recovery. I’d kinda assumed they’d pipe down after December’s debacle. Sigh. “Despite doomsday auto sales forecasts for 2009, promising signs continue to emerge about early January sales in the United States and their potential for growth.” The Detroit Free Press isn’t free, and this is not what I call the press. “Pent-up demand for new vehicles grew to 820,000 new cars and trucks last year, as consumers continued to wait out the dismal economic environment before making a new purchase, according to a report released Monday by CNW Marketing Research. That’s nearly four times as high as pent-up demand was in 2007, CNW said, and the research firm predicted that ‘the bulk of those postponements are slated to return to market in 2009.'” And now, a reality check…

Farley was first. Last week, Ford’s marketing maven threw down for The Blue Oval Boyz, declaring Crazy Henry’s mob’s would grab a bigger slice of the new car pie. Now Ed Peper’s prognosticating a more prodigious piece of America’s deflated new car market. Chevy’s brand Veep stepped up to the microphone at the Automotive News World Congress (our invitation got trapped by the spam filter) and told the world– well, Detroit– that the bow tie brand is ascendant. “We gained six-tenths of a point of (retail) market share last year,” Eddy declared. “This was the second-highest year-over-year share gain among all car brands, behind only Honda.” Hang on; what’s this then? “Chevrolet’s 2008 total market share was 13.5 percent, down from 13.9 percent in 2007, according to the Automotive News Data Center. Toyota Division overtook Chevrolet as the top-selling brand in 2008, rising to 13.9 percent from 13.4 percent in 2007.” Hmmm. Anyway, you’ll never guess how Chevy will steal sales from its rivals. Government checks for buyers? Well, not directly. (Just kidding. Sort of.) Nope. Marketing!

Would you believe it that the good folks at Americas buff books make mistakes every once in a while? Well, Car And Driver has decided to air the American motor press’s ten biggest bloopers in a blog post entitled Dishonorable Mention. “We’re not the only publication to recognize a few stinkers with its highest honor. The history of automotive journalism has seen flaming piles of poo named ‘Car of the Year’ even as they attract product liability lawsuits by the acre-foot and hunks of crud honored as “All-Stars” at the very moment buyers are seeking reimbursement under lemon laws,” write C&D’s editors. “It’s always a risk making judgments based on the initial exposure to a car, and sometimes a vehicle’s ultimate crappiness only reveals itself with the fullness of time. We’re all subject to hype for something that seems new, different, and maybe even better, and in this business, we all feel the crushing pressure to be timely, amusing, and authoritative. Being wrong is always a risk. Still, here are ten award winners for which somebody needs to apologize.”

Bugger - Toyota Funny Commercial - The best bloopers are a click away

Audi is the official sponsor of President Elect Barack Obama’s inauguration. No really. “ABC, CBS, NBC evening newscasts will be presented with limited commercial breaks exclusively from Audi. An eight-page insert in major newspapers nationwide [USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, The Miami Herald, Chicago Tribune, San Francisco Chronicle, and The Boston Globe] highlight Audi innovations and Audi will be the sole sponsor of the inaugural address on top news sites.” Isn’t Ingolstadt a little leery of playing partisan politics with America’s well-heeled motorists? “Regardless of political preferences, the inauguration represents a unique moment of progress,” Audi NA Prez Johan de Nysschen. “That’s why we wanted to share this experience and begin a conversation about innovation, technology and the path ahead.” Get it? No? Let’s try that again…

“Anyway, about the new limo. The information that is floating around on this new limo, especially from the diagram that has appeared on a number of sites such as TTAC, Autoblog and GMI has a good deal of information that is incorrect. I can’t tell you any real specifications, but since a new thread appeared on TTAC, you could pass to them that much with the diagram and article is incorrect. I can tell you a few things that you could pass on that would be OK…

“Like most people, we here at Toyota love good news.” And God knows there’s not a lot of that going around these days. Even for the royal we here at Toyota, where we’re used to making more profit per year than GM’s market capitalization. No really. “So the following piece of business from the Insurance Institute of Canada (IIoC) interests us a great deal.” Well, the intern in charge of finding non-controversial Toyota-oriented material for Open Road, anyway. “The thing that’s caught our attention is a list from IIoC that purports to detail the 10 vehicles that were the most frequently stolen in 2008, and also the 10 cars least frequently stolen.” Sorry about that “purports” thing. You try and post blogs every day with Legal breathing down your neck. “So the good news is that the IIoC listed no Toyota products on the most-stolen list. None. Zilch. Nada. There are lots of other brands represented there, some of them repeatedly. Some luxury brands, some aging economy brands. But not us.” I swear, if TTAC says one thing about how this proves that we’re somehow undesirable, they will not get one press car. Do they get press cars? Oh, OK. Never mind. [List of most and least stolen vehicles after the jump.]

I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist. But c’mon; who came up with the idea of naming the “100 lucky people get to drive the Mexican-built U.S. market Fiesta before regular folks just like the MINI EV except perhaps not quite as exciting for the press or anyone else for that matter” website fiestamovement.com? Did one of the other Farley brothers take over for Jim down at The Blue Oval? Apparently not: “Getting serious about the small-car business is a big change for Ford,” Jimbo told Automotive News [ sub.] Anyway, do YOU have what it takes to drive a stylish econobox free for six months? In other words, can you make a two to five-minute video that Ford can use for its nationwide campaign, saving themselves a million in advertising agency fees? [come on after the jump] Here’s something odd: Jim Farley says annual American sales for the Fiesta– on sale next year— could range from 30k to 70k units, depending on gas prices. Correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s nowhere near enough throughput to get Ford out of trouble.

“The Honda engineering team wanted something different from the Insight. They wanted a hybrid that was appealing to drive. Fortunately they already had a small car that met that criteria: the Fit. So, naturally, the important dynamic bits of the Fit form the basis of the Insight. The entire front structure of the Insight is in fact common to the Fit. Compared to the Fit, the rear axle has been moved back two inches and the roof has dropped 3.8 inches. Inside, the roof sits two inches closer to the front seat and three inches closer to the rear. That means that occupants in the Insight sit lower to the ground and have a cozier feeling than in the Fit, but the new Insight actually ends up feeling sportier than either the Fit or Prius.” Oh, and ABG achieved a claimed 63.4 mpg.

Top Gear presenter and Times carmudgeon Jeremy Clarkson is not one to walk away form a fight. In fact, you could say he never met a fist he didn’t lunge his towards. After Tesla and the MSM knocked Clarkson for pretending that a Roadster ran out of juice in an episode of the shark jumping car show, Clarkson mounted Ye Olde “Valid Yet Undeclared Fictional Recreation of Theoretical Facts” defense. And that, one presumed, was that. Only, of course, it wasn’t. In Clarkson’s Times column, the world’s most famous pistonhead attempts to disprove the English maxim “the first thing you do when you’re in a hole is stop digging.” “Tesla, when contacted by reporters, gave its account of what happened and it was exactly the same as ours. It explained that the brakes had stopped working because of a blown fuse and didn’t question at all our claim that the car would have run out of electricity after 55 miles.” Uh, yes it did. Anyway… “The problem is, though, that really and honestly, the US-made Tesla works only at dinner parties. Tell someone you have one and in minutes you will be having sex. But as a device for moving you and your things around, it is about as much use as a bag of muddy spinach.” Dodgy handling, high price, yada, yada, yada. And the Roadster’s greatest sin?

GM CEO Rick Wagoner is out and about today, peddling his company’s ability to be all things to all people save, perhaps, enough customers to avoid bankruptcy, bailouts and brickbats. The AP reports that Red Ink Rick reckons retirees are golden. “General Motors Corp. Chief Executive Rick Wagoner said Thursday the Detroit automaker can survive long-term without cutting benefits to retired workers. Wagoner made the remarks on NBC’s Today Show, where he was joined by United Auto Workers President Ron Gettelfinger. The two made the appearance from Detroit ahead of their renewed labor negotiations scheduled to begin next week.” Nothing like a good long suckle on the taxpayer tit to bring out a little media-pleasing solidarity. I wonder how Ron’s base feels about that one. Prety good if they’re retired, and think Uncle Sugar will cotinue to fuel the gravy train for the next twenty years or so. Perish the thought. Now, about those congressionally mandated concessions…

Peter Delorenzo has spent the last year or so castigating anyone within earshot for their failure to support, coddle, subsidize and appreciate his beloved American automakers. Given his website’s increasingly strident tone, that description excludes no one. This week, the self-styled Autoextremist gives a shout-out to President-elect Obama– while ratcheting-up the rhetoric for the usual antagonists. “Yes, President-elect Obama will bring a different perspective to Washington – and the challenges facing the auto industry – but that alone won’t save Detroit. Not when there are southern senators and members of Congress who are hell-bent on destroying the Detroit Three in their quest to ultimately replace the nation’s homegrown auto industry with a loose network of imported auto manufacturing facilities based in the Southern Corridor. Not when there are members of the new establishment in Washington who are rabidly pushing for a huge green directional shift for industry and manufacturing in this country, with little concern about what the realities or the ramifications of that kind of massive shift on America’s manufacturing base or immediate economic future. Not when our leaders in Washington continue to give a free ride to countries and manufacturers who want to do business here, at the expense of our own industries and manufacturing base. And especially not when the nation’s consumers are locked in this painful reduced-credit or no-credit holding cell that has paralyzed commerce across the country.” So, Pete, what will save your hometown heroes?

Wow, Manny. You need to get with the program bro’. Dissing hybrids is not gonna make you any friends. Not in DC. And not with your hometown homies, who know that global warming is a crock of “I can’t believe it’s not Toyota” with which to butter their bailout bread. What are they gonna say when they read this? “They cost more than most people can — or will — pay; they provide fuel efficiency benefits only for specific and limited driving conditions; and the technology isn’t going to solve America’s oil issues. Sure, they’re still somewhat trendy, and select members of Congress as well as Hollywood hypocrites regularly remind people that they drive the so-called green machines. Good for them and for the few others in America who are all hopped up on hybrids, but they are the few and the proud. And the declining.” Yeah, we know that Manny. But what if gas prices go back up? You know; if there’s a sudden disruption of oil supplies due to tensions in the Middle East or another speculative bubble? It could happen. Not in Manny’s world. And the News’ Auto Editor wants to point out– again– that consumers are friggin’ hypocrites…

There’s an eerie thread of optimism weaving through a number of post-bailout, post-December bloodbath stories lately. Sure, hope dies last and all that, but as Studs Terkel put it, “hope has never trickled down, it has always sprung up.” And most of this fresh-faced optimism seems to have trickled down directly from GM PR. Take the headline “‘Happy Days’ Return For Domestic Car Dealers” over at Dealersedge.com, for example. If the use of scare quotes in the headline isn’t enough to set your PR-friendly hackery alarm ringing, well, that’s why we’re here. The entire piece is based on quotes from employees and owners of three dealerships, two in New Hampshire, one in Michigan. These ecstatic, old-timey song-referencing folks spout anecdotal evidence of a new influx of floor traffic, offering no dissent from the opinion that “happy days” are indeed here again. And why wouldn’t they say that zero percent terms on Trailblazers and Saabs have Americans flooding the showrooms?

The post-apocalyptic analysis of December’s sales results continues, as pundits and producers attempt to make sense of the crater that’s replaced the U.S. new car market. Obviously, the situation will have the greatest impact on the Chrysler and GM. The domestic automakers have just finished their first suckle on Uncle Sugar’s taxpayer teat, with GM auguring-in for its second go mid-month. And both companies face a congressional grilling when they return for more money in March. So, what to do? What to do? For answers to that question, for the manufacturers’ spin, we turn to their unofficial mouthpiece, The Detroit News. “Auto sales skid: Recovery rests on stimulus” starts with good news! “After barely making it through the worst year for auto sales since 1992, Detroit’s Big Three expect consumer demand to remain very weak in the first half of 2009 but begin to recover in the second half.” I’d like to point out that a general “sales” recovery does not necessarily mean Chrysler or GM’s recovery. But that would kind of ruin the flow, if you know what I mean. To wit…

Automotive News [sub]: “The magazine normally recommends cars in its April issue. But it singled out eight Detroit 3 vehicles early because consumers may be concerned about reliability while General Motors and Chrysler LLC seek federal assistance, said David Champion, the magazine’s chief car tester. ‘We’re only about halfway through our testing, so it’s not a complete list,’ he said. ‘But because of the public interest, we thought it would be useful.”” Huh? Since when is it Consumer Reports’ job to allay consumer fears about the reliability of the products produced by a small group of automakers, especially in response to an industry-wide event? In other words, why the special treatment? Even if it’s all about catering to a public need– remembering that Consumer Reports is a non-profit organization and there is no statistical data to support this position– CR’s special issue increases the psychological polarization between domestic and import-branded vehicles. And that’s not a good thing– for the domestics. If nothing else, the D2.8’s abject inability to identify the difference between quality relative to each other and quality compared to the wider car market has contributed to their failure. Anyway, the “winners” in the gallery below and/or after the jump.

Warren Brown is nothing if not ambitious in his defense of the indefensible (i.e. GM CEO Rick Wagoner). Rather than just raise a[nother] cheer for the man who’s spent the last decade-plus jamming the yoke forward on General Motors’ inexorable descent into bankruptcy, the Washington Post carmudgeon decided to rewrite the entire history of the Japanese “invasion” of the American automotive market. But before he does that, Warren upbraids those who’ve called for Toyota Prez Katsuaki Watanabe to resign, suggesting that Watanabe and Wagoner are birds of a feather, getting flocked together. “GM, as we all know, has lost substantially more than $1.7 billion. In fact, it has lost $72.3 billion since 2004 under Wagoner’s reign. By that measurement, applying Fire the Coach rules, Wagoner is 40 times more deserving of dismissal than Watanabe. But here’s arguing that all of that is sloppy logic and in many ways inherently unfair. Here’s also suggesting that Fire the Coach management will solve nothing — or remedy very little — in an arena where game policy is athwart common sense, as it is and has been in a United States absent effective industrial and energy policies.” Same old you-know-what, different wrapper. Brown is once again, blaming everyone BUT Wagoner for GM’s chronic, shameful self-destruction.

The New York Times entered the irony-free zone this morning, with an op ed entitled “GM’s Secret Success.” WTF? Is one of the Gray Lady’s ambassadors about to call GM’s descent into bankruptcy and subsequent raid on the public purse a “success”? Nah. The author of the forthcoming tome “Why G.M. Matters: Inside the Race to Transform an American Icon” wants you to know that GM CEO Rick Wagoner is a genius interruptus. “In reality, Mr. Wagoner has presided over the most sweeping transformation of G.M. since the 1920s,” William J. Holstein opines. “He has reversed management’s long practice of meekly going along with the demands of the United Auto Workers, notably with a deal to transfer health care costs to a union-controlled trust over the next two years.” Ah, a tour of an alternate reality. Cool. But why stop there? Why indeed.

The Wall Street Journal gets its fair share of flak from TTAC. Now it’s time for a pat on the head. Under a downright TTAC-ish headline (“Treasury to Ford: Drop Dead”,) the WSJ lambasts the Treasury for being a bunch of unappreciative sumsabitches: “When the Bush Treasury decided to bail out Detroit, GM and Chrysler quickly said yes to the taxpayer cash, but Ford Motor Co. said it didn’t need the money and declined. Ford’s reward for this show of self-reliance? Treasury is now helping GM again by giving it a credit pricing advantage against Ford in the marketplace.”

Farago wrote: “If I were the head of Ford or Toyota or Honda’s lending unit, I would be mighty pissed.” The Wall Street Journal agrees. Now that the U.S. Government effectively owns GMAC, it gives them the money to offer zero percent financing – for GM products. Says the WSJ: “The messy little policy issue is that these GM products compete with those sold by Ford, Toyota, Honda and numerous other car makers that won’t benefit from GMAC’s cash infusion. And with the cost of financing often crucial to buyer decisions, the feds have now put the muscle of the state behind one company’s products.”

Yesterday, I called Autoblog (AB) to task for blogging pistonhead paraphernalia without disclosing whether they received swag for their efforts. AB jeffe Damon Lavrinc revealed his team follows AOL’s strict policy: no freebies and return any review items post post. So I removed my post. And now I’ve found Michael Banovsky’s over-punctuated, redundantly-named blog Cars, Culture, and Etc. Banovsky asserts that he’s not on the gravy train, and when he is, he donates the resulting air miles to Doctors Without Borders (perhaps there’s a Barnes and Noble nearby?). Underneath the post, Carkeys.ca’ s Kevin “Crash” Corrigan defends pocketing payola. “Whilst I applaud you for donating your air miles to charity, I think that I should say something from the flip side of the coin. Unlike the print guys, us web-based journos are rarely given ‘expensive’ gifts. In nearly 5 years of writing, the most pricey gift that I have received is a toy car. In fact, I’ve been given a few of them (Approx 6-7). Now I collect models cars, as do probably most most of us car guys, so that’s quite nice. On the other hand, does anyone truly believe that any of us could be brought off with a $10-30 model car?? Let’s look at this from another angle…I worked in the building trade for several years, and every year we were given bottles of booze from the suppliers. My father who owned a large company and often received crates of the stuff!”

Print is so dead. How anyone could expect a magazine with a two-month lead time to compete with the internet on the news front? It’s like pitting a semaphore line against G3 cell service. In case they don’t know it, the buff book’s business model is as dead as the carmakers’ they support. And while we await the car mag medium’s reinvention and rebirth (U.S. Evo please), we get to admire their attempts to remain au courant. I mean, poor todd lassa. Not only is the Motor Trend scribe’s name chronically under capitalized, but he also had to decide whether or not Red Ink Rick Wagoner would still be at the helm of GM in January 2009. What are the odds, eh? Unfortunately, todd erred on the side of common sense.

You just know they’re going to get it wrong. And so they do. Number One: Full-Size Pickup Trucks. Huh? If any market segment is likely NOT to restore The Big 2.8 to glowing good health, it’s the PU segment. But no. I mean yes! “The Dodge Ram is new for 2009, as is the top-selling Ford F-150, while the Chevy Silverado and GMC Sierra twins combine to sell more than any of them. With the Toyota Tundra in retreat and Nissan ready to surrender the segment (they’ll be getting their next generation of Titans from Dodge), cheap gas should keep buyers putting their money into these profit centers.” And if the housing market stays in the toilet, the market remains saturated with trucks or the price of gas goes up? * crickets chirping * No wait! Number Two: American Muscle. Huh? Talk about carving-up smaller pieces a decreasing pie. Nope. Fox is saying halo to the new Camaro, Challenger and Mustang. “Forget for a moment all of the goody two-shoes environmentally conscious cars Washington wants the Detroit 3 to build: These are the ones that look best in the commercials and get shoppers into showrooms. They may not sell in huge numbers, but you can’t pay for the kind of pride they bring to a brand’s image.” Apparently, you– I mean “we” can. Number Three…

Lord love a duck, but sometimes the most idiotic things surface on the internet. And a certain piece favorably comparing Ferrari’s environmental impact to that of the Prius doesn’t have the excuse of coming from some blogspot-based Private Snafu in the Army of Davids. No, it comes from Car And Driver. Print Media. The Big Boys. Etcetera. And since they don’t have the decency to expose their own baldfaced disingenuousness and sensationalist ignorance-peddling until after the jump, we’ll return the favor. Car And Driver’s Steve Siler is an idiot, and that’s all we’ll say unless you bump our page views by hitting the jump.

The Chevy Aveo has been on TTAC’s Ten Worst List since we inaugurated the public service. In 2008, it remains at the top of the steaming pile, garnering a gong at the number three spoty. To quote from this year’s encapsulation: “The Aveo continues to offer a snap-crackle-pop interior, mediocre gas mileage, roly-poly handling and gutless onramp terror.” So how in the world could Detroit News carmudgeon Scott Burgess find anything nice to say about Chevy’s Korean American revolution, never mind a whole column’s worth? Let’s s-s-s-s-sample. “It’s roomy, peppy and comes with more personality than similarly priced competition.” Oh really? Vera, Fit, Yaris? “The hatch helps the Aveo5 stand out. It’s a good look, and it plays multiple utilitarian roles, such as making it extremely easy to park as well as load big things in the back. Few other exterior features add to its looks. It’s not like the designers had a lot of sheet metal to work with.” So… it’s a hatchback. Gotcha. “Chevy upgraded the interior materials, though there is a certain economical feel to this vehicle. Every part of the cabin feels well built, though it’s difficult to know how it will hold up over the long haul.” “Economical feel.” Is that a synonym for horrifically cheap?

So opens a guest commentary by Ira Lacher in today’s Des Moines Register. And if you believe the Detroit line, you might assume this voice from the middle American heartland would answer in the affirmative. You’d be wrong. Lacher describes his impression of American cars as being “designed and put together by committee – a bunch of parts cobbled together. The steering wheel felt as if it were just sticking out of the dashboard. The gas and brake pedals seemed mere appendages to the floor. The seats were uncomfortable frames covered with cheap cloth. This wasn’t a car; it was a homemade personal computer! By contrast, every rented Honda, Toyota, Mazda and Nissan seemed like a machine that functioned like one machine.” But when he recently purchased a Hyundai, Lacher clearly felt at least a few pangs of guilt.

One evening, whilst dining at a Turkish restaurant in Mayfair, I watched my server nearly trip over another waiter’s leg. (The staff member whose appendage had caused the offense was kneeling by the desert cart.) The burly fellow who’d almost lost his balance looked at his compatriot with dagger-filled eyes. Waiter number two stared straight back. “Yes. I am trying to kill you,” he said with deadpan earnestness. Reading Scott Burgess’ review of the Shelby GT500KR, it seems pretty clear that the 540hp ‘Stang is equally intent on eliminating its driver. Which is to say not intentionally, but what difference does that make? “The 2008 Ford Shelby GT500 King of the Road scares me,” Burgess admits from the git-go. “The first ‘incident’ occurred along Gibraltar Road when I started to pass a minivan poking its way up the same straightaway. With no oncoming traffic and the lane open, I dropped the six-speed manual into third and kicked out to the left. The moment I mashed the pedal to the floor and listened to that supercharged whirl come from under the hood, the SVT light on the speedometer lit up and the back end of the KR jumped to the left and shuddered — full power, full torque ripping through the rear axle. ‘Oh, sassafras’ — that’s paraphrased — blurted out of my mouth.” Incident number two after the jump.

“Ezra, baby, we love your style! You’re the next P.J. Hunter Clarkson! But listen; we need something a little upbeat for the year’s end. A little sugar to sprinkle on top of all that rancid offal coming out of Motown. How about 2008 cars you love? Thanks… Uh, Ezra this is a list of muscle cars and sports cars. And they’re all powered by gas for Christ’s sake. This is the New York Times! Tell you what: write me a couple of hundred word intro on alt power stuff. What’s that battery-powered thing? Taser? Dazzler? Put that one in there. We’ll call it ‘Gas guzzling rocket ships are great but we can’t say that.” No, no. We’ll call it “ Last Call for Horsepower.” You know, cake and eat it deal. Awesome. What’s that? Cars that suck? What do you think we are TTAC? Sigh. OK, list ’em at the end, be gentle and we’ll call it “not in my garage.” OK? And I’ll get back to you on the driving to Alaska in a Ferrari thing later. Love ya! [Ezra’s Reasons to be Cheerful Part One Through Eight after the jump]