How many Mercedes owners change their own oil to save a few bucks? The latest “Meet the Volkswagens” TV ad doesn’t just insult Benz owners’— and everyone else’s—intelligence. It’s also racially insensitive. By depicting a white guy with his face blackened with oil, it raises the specter of 19th century minstrel shows. OK, that’s a stretch. But so is VW’s supposition that reminding customers of their over-familiarity with their local dealer’s service department is a good thing. And what does a Microbus sliding out of a nearby garage have to do with anything, Amigo? Wait . . . cue-up the Routan commercial . . .

There’s that Microbus again, with its “Cars” rip-off happy hippy stoner’s voice (as opposed to the Beetle’s Arte Johnson-esque German accent). In this ad, the Routan asks an Odyssey owner if her van has an “autobahn-tuned suspension.” Instead of checking her meds, soccer Mom replies that there’s no autobahn in Japan. True! Nor is there an autobahn in Canada, where Chrysler builds the Routan. Or Lincoln, Alabama, where Honda builds the Odyssey. Or the rest of America, where Odyssey mom lives. To the same point, the day a Routan driver explores the limits of her minivan’s autobahn-tuned suspension is the day I’m parking my Audi.

Needless to say, VW doesn’t have the corner on bad commercials. Suzuki’s “Supercar” ad makes it look like an SX-4—or any other car— can’t traverse a pothole without shifting into 4WD. How about Saturn’s recent campaign, where they attempt to reassure their remaining customers that they’re still the “just plain folks” brand that they were back when they were barbecuing—I mean building cars—in Tennessee? A Saturn salesman warns viewers that there’s a car company out there that’ll take your car away from you if you lose your job. Jeez. How un-American is that?

He’s alluding to the “Hyundai Assurance” program where you can return the car with no impact on your credit rating if you lose your job and can’t make payments. Mr. Saturn makes it sound like Hyundai’ll hunt you down and pry the car from your hands as soon as you’re unemployed. Then Saturn man assures you that his [temporary] employer would never treat you that way. Really? Anyone want to guess what Saturn will do the day after their nine-month grace period on payments expires and you’re still unemployed and not making the payments?

And what happens to Saturn’s “Total Confidence” plan after GM sells the “ReThink” brand to the Chinese or Roger Penske or whomever shows up with cash in hand? Or no one at all? Call me cautious but I wouldn’t feel too confident about Saturn’s ability to back any of their promises at this juncture.

Chrysler’s latest commercials proclaim that the bankrupt company (shhhh!) builds dugouts, lockers, easy chairs, radar systems, TV stations, starting gates, skyscrapers, fish finders, battery chargers, base camps, luxury suites, transporters, mechanical bulls, sanctuaries, viewmasters, security cameras, troop transports, and moving vans. No wonder their sales numbers looks so bad. They’ve been building all these neat things while everyone else is building cars and trucks. But don’t worry, be happy! It’s all backed by the U.S. Government, so buy your whatever-it- is they build with total confidence!

Ford wants you to know they’re still building trucks. BIG trucks. In fact, one commercial highlights their extra-cost tailgate and bedside steps and tells you how much you need them to get in and out of the bed of the F-150. Well, if they’re that important, why aren’t they standard? Or even better, if it’s such a chore to get stuff out of the back, why doesn’t Ford make the F-150 a more manageable size so you can just reach over the side to get what you want, like you could a few years back?

If you’re Chevy, and you can’t match the competition’s feature, you just make fun of it! In a Silverado commercial, Howie Long ridicules an F-150 driver (the usual stereotypical clumsy, balding, overweight schlub they use when they want you to know someone’s less than a “real” man) for using his “man step.” It’s the same sort of “you’re a faggot” put-down used by brain-dead high school football players (not to stereotype or anything) on classmates who can program a computer.

After questioning their competition’s customers’ sexuality, Chevy brags about Silverado’s “unbeatable” five year/100K mile powertrain warranty. But they won’t compare their warranty to the Dodge Ram’s lifetime powertrain warranty. Instead, they just belittle the Ram’s less-than-real-man owner for having a heated steering wheel and a manicure.

One good thing that’s come from the auto industry meltdown: fewer car commercials. Unfortunately, the remaining ones are getting worse, as the automakers grow increasingly desperate for sales. They’ll try anything to attract attention, whether it’s lying, belittling the competition or insulting viewers’ intelligence. Come to think of it, what’s changed?

The folks at Mashable love to measure buzz, twits and general internet exposure, and they’ve come up with a few graphs that show how the automakers are weathering the current unpleasantness. And they show that (by the numbers, anyway) Ford is the most new-media savvy of the American automakers. Which means that on the straightforward (and questionably effective) metrics, Ford comes out on top. Most Twitter followers. Most Twitter updates. Most Youtube video tags. Most Flickr photos. Stop me if you’re getting too excited. But despite the huge numerical advantages that Ford boasts in the YouTwitosphere, the most interesting fact is that Ford is the least-covered automaker in actual news stories but most-covered in blog posts. Which means a lot of Ford’s measurable popularity might be attributable to the lack of bad news about it in the mainstream media. Not taking a bailout probably helped, too. Either way, you can’t help but wonder what the benefit really is of most of this “new marketing.”

Yes, it’s a post about something other than the feds getting the US taxpayer to squeal like a pig to save Chrysler and GM from the uncomfortable lesson that actions have—OMG—consequences. In fact, the closer we get to the Big Kahuna of GM’s C11, the more determined I am to provide car-related posts. After a regrettable hiatus, car reviews, both large and small, are back. “Piston Slap” and “Hammer Time” continue apace (thanks, guys). And I’m bound and determined to get some more product reviews headed your way. In that spirit of “Oh, yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone,” here’s the inside dope on GT5, via escapistmagazine.com, after le jump. Spock! Damage control! It appears we are not digitally configured for damage, Captain. That’s a relief. Indeed. Bones. Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a videogame producer. I can’t just add source code like that! The whole game could lock up and crash. Do what you can.

Remember the whole “we do not want to run the automakers” routine? Cue up the laugh track. President Obama’s PTFOA has intervened to halve Chrysler’s ad budget during its taxpayer-funded bankruptcy, reports Automotive News [sub]. Chrysler had requested $134 million for advertising during its alleged nine-week bankruptcy. That request was halved by the PTFOA because that body “believed that it was not feasible to not spend anything on marketing and advertising for fear of eroding the image of the brand,” says Chrysler Chapter 11 consultant, Robert Manzo, in court documents. We knew Chrysler’s DIP budget was being drawn up “in consultation with the Treasury,” but this is the first glimpse of a struggle between Chrysler management and its government paymasters.

We got a few “so what’s” a couple of wild-ass days ago when we whispered that Chrysler would be launching a new ad campaign using government funds earmarked for struggling parts suppliers. But setting aside the supplier screwing (yes, advertisers “supply” Chrysler, and with no production, why worry about components?), this means we will be treated to the launch of yet another New Chrysler. This will mark the second such dawning in just about a year. AdAge (via Automotive News [sub]) confirms the rumor, reporting that the responsible ad firm (BBDO, Detroit) also just happens to be Chrysler’s second-largest unsecured creditor ($58.1 million). And Judge Gonzalez still gets to decide whether the Mad Men will be paid out by the government’s “critical vendor” program. Anyway, the new campaign is being termed “educational,” with Chryco spokesfolks explaining “companies in this kind of situation need to communicate more rather than less.” Because sometimes having the President for a pitchman just isn’t enough.

Dave: “The Volt has a range of forty miles. That’ll get you down the driveway and back.”

Elon: “Yeah.”

Discuss.

Holman Jenkins offers his analysis of the Motown meltdown under the TTAC-usurping title “ The Truth About Cars and Trucks.” According to the Wall Street Journal scribe, we should blame the current domestic auto industry implosion on the United Auto Workers’ (UAW) monopoly on Detroit production. Oh, and the manipulation of federal law to protect same. I think. “For three decades, the Big Three were able to survive precisely because they skimped on quality and features in the money-losing sedans they were required under Congress’s fuel economy rules to build in high-cost UAW factories. In return, Washington compensated them with the hothouse, politically protected opportunity to profit from pickups and SUVs. Doesn’t sound much like what you hear incessantly from your Congressman, about how Detroit’s problems are all due to management ‘incompetence’ in deciding to build ‘gas guzzling’ SUVs, does it?” Uh, it kinda does. And I’d like to see a bit more detail on this assertion, please: “Washington’s latest fuel-economy rules actually reward manufacturers for increasing the size and weight of some vehicles.”

Bloomberg reports that Source Interlink has gone Tango Uniform. You may know Source Interlink as the publisher of Motor Trend, Automobile and [a claimed] 73 other publications. Not to mention [a claimed] 90 websites. Like the formerly octo-branded GM, Source Interlink simply bit off more than it could chew—and then discovered there wasn’t enough to eat. “The company listed debt of $1.9 billion and assets of $2.4 billion . . . US magazine advertising revenue in the first quarter fell 20 percent from a year earlier, according to the Publisher’s Information Bureau, an industry group. US auto sales tumbled 37 percent in March. Source Interlink hasn’t reported a profit since the second quarter of 2007.” This after spending $1.2 billion to buy a package of titles from PrimeMedia in 2007. As for the future . . .

Or so says Automotive News [sub] Executive Editor, Edward Lapham, in a brief aside. According to Lapham, Chrysler is ramping up a major ad campaign (a fact that remains unconfirmed by Chrysler) that steals from the $5 billion supplier bailout fund. “Through its ad agencies,” writes Lapham, “Chrysler is lining up major media that are willing to accept a price cut of 2 percent in exchange for assured payment under the federally funded critical-supplier payment plan.” Because Chrysler wanted to see if its post-bailout supplier relations could possibly be worse. Although to be fair, those two percent savings do add up . . . to about 30 pieces of silver.

It is often said that a man’s home is his castle. The Supreme Court has upheld this rule many times. Police may only search upon probable cause or a warrant from a Judge. When, however, can the police search your car incident to a traffic violation? Just about always, claimed the police. Not so fast, rules the Supreme Court. In a close decision, the nation’s highest court reined back the ability of police to make warrantless searches in auto stop cases. Make no mistake, you are not “home” when you are in your car, no matter how much time you spend there or what you do there. Indeed, you have a greater right to privacy walking down a street.

Loose cannons. Where would TTAC be without them? Now that GM Car Czar Bob Lutz has his bankruptcy-proof pension to think about (no thanks needed for the early heads-up, Bob), the man of Maximum has somehow learned to shut the f up. Bob “Operationally Bankrupt” Nardelli hasn’t said boo to a goose since telling the feds he wasn’t earning any salary for driving Chrysler into the history books. Ford’s Presidente del Americas Mark Fields is flying low, maybe even commercial. The head of the Presidential Task Force on Autos, Steve “Chooch” Rattner, is as taciturn as he is tyrannical. These days, GM’s VP (“Very Profitable”) Mark LaNeve is about as good/bad as it gets. At least until last night, when former Ford CEO Bill Ford played BMOC (big man on campus) at the green love-in known as this year’s Fortune Brainstorm Green conference. The MSM has yet to chronicle the PC hoedown. But according to earth2tech.com (who supplied our headline quote), Former FoMoCo CEO Bill Ford’s mea culpa was mucho maxima.

In general, TTAC does not cover motorsports. But we’re on the ball when it comes to the business of automotive sponsorships for sports of all sorts. We recently reported that Ford—Detroit’s last man standing—is a major sponsor of curling. The wisdom of that choice has become clear, as the the Men’s Curling Final was one of the most exciting ever played. As The Canadian Press reports, “It was a game for the ages. The final game of the Ford World Men’s Curling Championships came down to the last rock in the 10th end to break a 6-6 tie between Canada’s Kevin Martin and David Murdoch of Scotland.” Nail-biting stuff and perhaps symbolic of Ford’s last ditch struggle to stay out of bankruptcy court.

When Barack Obama made his state of the American auto industry speech, industry watchers lampooned the President for being the “Salesman-in-Chief.” More than a few members of the automotive punditocracy supported the idea, but said BO made a bad job of it. The Autoextremist led the charge, lambasting the Prez for using the word Voldemort—I mean “bankruptcy” in public. The Detroit News auto editor has followed the president’s lead, switching from cheerleader to salesman. And a damn good one too! (By his own admission.) “When you cruise around Macomb County in an ‘Inferno Orange’ Camaro SS. People make U-turns and follow you into parking lots. They ask if they can sit in it and want to know all the trim levels. Chevy was kind enough to drop one off for me over the weekend, and I probably sold more of the muscle car for the General than any Chevy dealer in town.” Hang on; did Chevy drop off a person or a car? [apologies to Jeff Puthuff] So . . . Manny ends his tired-aid by with a small dick joke.

On Sunday, GM CEO Fritz Henderson went out of his way to avoid waving the American flag in his desperate attempt to sell the idea that his employer had a future building and selling cars in the US market. Well, duh. Ford, GM and Chrysler are not exactly in the best position to go all protectionist, given the huge number of parts and vehicles the ailing American automakers imports from abroad, discounting (and how) the vehicles they want to keep selling abroad. But The Detroit News boldly goes where Rick Wagoner’s clone fears to tread. All columnist Marney Rich Keenan’s “Buying American cars: It’s finally catching on” needs is an exclamation mark. [And an accompanying image that’s not a photochop.] Say it ain’t so, Joe! In this case, “Joe” is Keenan’s culture-loving brother, makes the connection between purchasing American cars and GM’s support for the arts. Which will no doubt be toast as the Presidential Task Force on Autos gets stuck in. Anyway, here come the usual suspects . . .

Ad Age only lists GM and Chrysler’s ad spend for all of ’08, before the ailing American automakers bellied-up to the federal bailout buffet. But the writing’s on the wall for a number of media who depend on the two teat sucklers for ad cash. The carmakers’ $3B ’08 combined ad spend has already been slashed. When Chrysler and GM go Tango Uniform, well, there’s a black hole out there with their name on it. At risk ’08 ad bucks: Car and Driver ($20.6M from GM), Automobile ($15.4M from GM), Motor Trend ($6.1M from Chrysler). If you’re wondering why the buff books’ reviewers treat GM and Chrysler products with kid gloves, I’ve just shown you the money. And here’s a pdf charting the ch-ch-ch-changes from 2007 to 2008, in terms of the two automakers’ percentage of the buff books’ total ad take [NB: ’07 was a very good year, for small town dealers, with perfume in their hair, until they came undone.] Steve Parr, president of Source Interlink Media, is non-plussed, allegedly.

Why, that news is so good that the Freep is happy to throw ChryCo the irony-free headline. April Fools! Sales are actually down 39 percent compared to March 2008. It’s just that Chrysler hasn’t topped 100k monthly sales since September. Does this look like a turnaround to anyone? Bueller? Jim Press? “The market is starting to show small signs of life which need to be nourished like seedlings.” What a touching image. Tiny seedlings struggling to life under a pile of government cash. Please, describe these plucky little plants for us, Mr. Press. “The fact that we exceeded 100,000 units for the first time since last fall is encouraging, and evidence that our improved quality, improved mileage as well as value represented in Employee Pricing Plus Plus are just what the doctor ordered for recession-wary customers who are reluctant to make long-term purchases. It’s too early to see a trend, but spring shows signs of hope.” If showing signs of hope is your job description, perhaps. But how did the federal proclamation ( PDF) of “the poor quality of [Chrysler’s] existing product portfolio” affect the sales seedlings?

Ousted GM CEO Rick Wagoner is being posthumously hoisted onto a cross by Michigan’s Governor Granholm and the Detroit News, which is running a piece today entitled “GM Workers Upset That Wagoner Became Sacrificial Lamb.” Huh? Better him than them, right? “Here we got past all the bad media, all that fury during congressional hearings, and now they want him to resign,” says UAW Local 599 (Flint) Chair, Terry Everman. “It’s really a setback, because you don’t know what new direction GM will take.” And it’s not just the uncertainty that has workers in a kerfuffle over the Wagoner pink slip. “It just didn’t seem appropriate for the administration, rather than the board, to dictate,” says OnStar Manager, Bryan Bateman. “I think Rick was a sacrificial lamb in all this. I think he took one for the company.” Except that Red Ink Rick should have been dumped years ago, and the irresponsible board members that kept him around have been canned by Obama as well. Oh, yeah, and GM turned its fate over to the feds the second it took public bailout money. But, hey, one man’s sacrificial lamb is another man’s tasty entrée. To (you guessed it) more government intervention on behalf of the General. Of course.

There’s a big brouhaha brewing between an organization called Think Progress (TP) and Fox News Analyst Bill O’Reilly. After Billy Boyz ambushed ThinkProgress.org Managing Editor Amanda Terkel, TP is urging advertisers to pull their ads from Billy’s show. Here’s a response from a Ford spokesman who wasn’t spoking on behalf of Ford, but felt free to use FoMoCo’s imprimatur:

Thanks for the heads up. And while I agree with you about the rantings of the hopelessly pig-headed Mr. O’Reilly, recognize that I am just an innocent bystander in this email letter silliness. I work at Ford and support Ford, but have no idea how the decisions are made on where we advertise. Frankly, as a mainstream company, we advertise everywhere there are good ratings. That is not an endorsement of the show — that is recognition that people are watching the show. Don’t know why they watch that mindless ranting. But they watch in droves. Welcome to America, I guess.

The MSM knows GM’s broken. (Ya think?) They also know the Presidential Task Force on Autos (PTFOA) is on the case, writing checks as fast their little pens can scribble; it takes a LOT of checks (and no balances) to keep the zombie automaker from going belly-up. The press also realizes that something must change! But . . . what? Rick Newman over at US Snooze and World Report (that was unnecessary, but fun) reckons he knows what GM needs to do that it isn’t doing now. Do what the competition’s doing. Pedants note: Rick’s not suggesting ten new products. I think. He’s simply saying that the following machines are “some of the top cars from which the Detroit automakers can learn.” Presumption up with which GM’s top brass can not put. Presumably. Oh, and Rick, you might want to check the sales charts for some of these, and/or ping TTAC’s B&B for slightly more meaningful memes than Detroit hearts building big.

According to the About page at PostCardFilms.com, Mariessa Jonasz “can be seen in the television show “ I Didn’t know I Was Pregnant,” which aired on Discovery Health.” Folks, we’re talking about women who didn’t know they were pregnant until they gave birth. How creepy is that? Not quite as unsettling as the news that Mariessa is married to this PR film’s narrator, Jedrzej Jonasz. Mr. Jonasz’ credits include a Canadian TV documentary called “Why is it sexy?” The mind boggles. And the question remains: how did this entirely unlikely pair blag their way into a brand new BMW (even for a few days) and (presumably) flights, hotel, meals, museum tickets, gas expenses and (for all we know) a per Diem budget?

More than a few members of TTAC’s Best and Brightest have joined the Chrysler Listens customer advisory board. We’re starting to get some of these comms back, and they’re about as revealing as you’d imagine®. Only more so.

This message is a follow-up to our chat with Steven Landry, EVP of North American Sales, Marketing, and Mopar® Parts and Service at Chrysler:

This is a follow-up to the e-mails we sent last week regarding the Fiat® alliance. At Chrysler, we are working tirelessly with the assistance of the U.S. auto task force to continue our progress in meeting the requirements set for us by the government. At this historic time, we need every one of our Customer Advisory Board members who support our ongoing efforts to get the word out to all our local, state and federal representatives that Chrysler is a viable business on a stand-alone basis.

With what one hopes is feigned incredulity, the Freep‘s Sarah Webster marvels at how political the issue of GM’s bankruptcy has become. “I must confess,” writes Walker with a conveniently wide-eyed naiveté, “I was quite surprised when the issue of whether General Motors Corp. or Chrysler LLC should file for bankruptcy took a turn to the political when the automakers first approached the federal government for a rescue package last fall.” Yeah, it’s a shocker alright. But why is Walker so surprised?

I was going to email TTAC commentator kazoomaloo to tell him I’d deleted his TTAC flame (“Dude, this is a pretty lame story”) when I clicked on his web addy instead of his email. I stumbled upon his pitch for a Ford Fiesta, as part of FoMoCo’s early adopter contest. I thought it worth sharing here because A) I like it and B) I’m showing the red card (or is that green card) for his assertion that the Fiesta is American. Hecho en Mexico, amigo. Moving on—I mean forward [ED. Fordward?]—I mean ahead, it’s the best day ever for Ford. CBS News is blowing some serious smoke up America’s @$$ regarding Ford’s relative health. Today, Ford received top billing as part one of The Morning Show’s weeklong series, “Early Across America,” featuring stories of “hope and optimism amid all the economic gloom sweeping the nation.” You can’t buy publicity like this. Oh wait . . . Anyway, there’s more!

Today’s the day that the embargo on Camaro reviews ends. First, as a taxpayer, a big thank you to all the automotive publications and websites that abided by the terms of GM’s proscription. You’ve helped my corporate beneficiary concentrate its marketing firepower for maximum effect. Second, I want to re-iterate my suspicion—based on historical precedent—that all Camaros tested were “ringers” (specially built and prepared versions). And third, I’d like to point out that Detroit News carmudgeon Scott Burgess and I share something: we both hate people. OK, I hate the lies that people tell and Scott hates anyone who hates Detroit. I’ve said time and again that the number of people who actually care enough to hate Detroit is statistically irrelevant. But Scott’s world is constantly under imaginary assault from people who vilify the cars he loves. Which, needless to say, includes the new Camaro. Althoughly, strangely, Scott doesn’t bless with his 100 percent seal of approval. In fact, reading between the lines, the new Camaro’s not even a 90 percent car. First the ho-sannahs . . .

Is is that time again? The time when the MSM drinks copious amounts of Kool-Aid labeled J.D. Power Vehicle Dependability survey (VDS)? Assuming that there are TTAC readers who’ve joined us in the interim, let’s consider a couple of salient facts (as taught to us by Michael Karesh at the no-longer-TTAC-affiliated TrueDelta). First, the differences between brands in J.D.’s VDS is insignificant. Buick has 122 problems per 100 vehicles while Lexus has (shock!) 126 problems per vehicle. In the real world, this doesn’t mean you’re less or more likely to experience a problem in YOUR Buick or YOUR Lexus.

If you’re in the automotive business and can understand German, then A M und S (as the cognoscenti know it) is the must-read bi-weekly. Auto Motor & Sport offers features with brilliant technical detail about the snazziest innovations and highest-tech automotive gadgets. For me, it’s always a chore, never a pleasure. The Stuttgart- based periodical is dour and relentlessly auto-centric. If something is pro car industry, then they like it, if not . . . they don’t. Reading AM&S is as about as much fun as a listening to a cocktail party-goer going on about the Swabian way of sweeping sidewalks. Anyway, here’s my beef . . .

The Freep’s Carol Cain has gone one better on the crazies who suggested that Steve Jobs should take over Detroit, nominating Oprah Winfrey to become Detroit’s cheerleader-in-chief. Noting calls from Senators for GM to declare bankruptcy and falling public support for the Detroit bailout, Cain suggests that desperate times call for desperate gimmicks. “I don’t know what kind of vehicle Oprah owns or if she even drives. I don’t know what she thinks about the auto industry or if she could be convinced to help. I know she likely wouldn’t be in this for the money, glory or stature,” writes Cain. But, “perhaps someone could appeal to her sense of patriotism in helping this industry that has been the bedrock of our nation for generations. Like many Americans, perhaps some family member worked in one of the auto factories. The industry still has dramatic impact on all 50 states and many livelihoods are impacted by it.” And hey, she has experience giving away cars!

The mainstream media has finally discovered that America’s Motown-based automakers are in dire straits. (Was it the bailouts?) The Detroit-based automotive media are in full counter-insurgency mode, scouring the autoblogosphere for stories that say “SEE! They’re in trouble, too!” When Toyota recently secured bank financing, cries of “Bailout! Bailout!” echoed throughout the Motor City. And now Automotive News [sub] seizes on the Automotive Lease Guide’s [ALG] revised depreciation stats for proof that GM and ChryCo are not alone. “Toyota’s residuals take a dive” AN’s headline proclaims. “Not only are Toyota Division’s new-vehicle sales plunging, but so are residual values on its used cars and trucks. That is depriving Toyota of one of its best marketing tools: the healthy residuals the brand long has been able to brag about.” Uh-oh. Hang on. Context?

Well, he would, wouldn’t he? I mean, if Detroit was going to build a car for Scott Burgess, the 300C SRT8 would be it. Massive horsepower and . . . massive horsepower. Did I mention massive horsepower? What about massive horsepower? “The 425 horsepower instills confidence that few other engines can. Zero to 60 mph in five seconds; less than 12 seconds later and you’re cruising at 100 mph. It blasts off at lights and makes passing anything on the road as easy as stepping on the accelerator.” So, anything else then? “More importantly, for the 2009 model, engineers changed out some of the suspension to give it a smoother ride and recalibrated the antilock brakes and electronic stability program to make it even sportier. Even in the normal stability control setting, which would be the most restricting, the 300C SRT8 keeps it fun. Slam through a corner and the back end twists just enough to remind you how much fun driving can be.” Ah, power slides in a lumbering Yank tank. I’m so there! No really. Of course, no Burgess review of a car he likes would be complete without a chip on the shoulder FU to eco-weenies and Detroit haters . . .

The German government doesn’t seem to be in an awful hurry to bail out Opel. First, Berlin bitched about the quality of GM Europe’s rescue plan which was submitted last month. According to that plan, the German unit, along with its UK-based Vauxhall unit, would be partly spun off. Along with that, state aid to the tune of €3.3B ($4.2B) was requested. Berlin said the plan was interesting but mostly fluff. They demanded another one; it hasn’t arrived. No plan, no money.

And just in case a better plan would be forthcoming, Chancellor Angela Merkel set the bar a bit higher. “Before we decide (on aid), we must know important decisions in the United States; for example, how things proceed with Opel’s parent company General Motors, what independence General Motors can give Opel, what happens with Opel patents,” Merkel said, according to Reuters. That’s a whole bunch of important decisions to be taken before any money is being given.

Think bankruptcy might be an option worth exploring for General Motors? Worried that the Volt might have been a tad too ambitious? Clearly you must be sick in the head. Reasonable people just don’t think that way. After all, why listen to bankruptcy lawyers and university researchers when you can get the truth straight from GM. You think those eggheads know more about GM than GM? Think about it. And while you’re suspending your disbelief, head down to GM’s Fastlane blog. You’ll get your facts straightened out faster than you can say “Stockholm Syndrome.”

In Peter DeLorenzo’s last column, the self-styled AutoExtremist prescribed nichedom as an “elixir” for Pontiac. Reader reaction was so positive (apparently) that Sweet Pete has j umped off the deep end. People love the “excitement brand, whether it be for nostalgia reasons or because the attitude and spirit exemplified by Pontiac in its heyday.” In short, for nostalgia reasons. “But,” reckons DeLorenzo, “warm feelings of nostalgia won’t be enough to save Pontiac – or GM, for that matter.” Fast forward through some vintage bashing of “grim-reaping, hand-wringing, self-flagellating purveyors of doom in California and Washington,” and other “green-tinged” coastal elites, and what does DeLorenzo prescribe for the broken brand? Yup, “warm feelings of nostalgia.” Specifically, the return of the Firebird Trans-Am. The screaming chicken. Strap on the mullet, folks, this is going to get interesting.

Jerry Flint in his latest Forbes columm:

Layoffs, product cancellations and product postponements in America’s once great auto industry are way beyond cutting into fat. ‘Amputation’ is a better description. Even as the government spends billions to save the American manufacturers—with billions more aid to come—it is fair to ask if there will be anything left to save.

Despite generously admitting that “Chrysler may survive,” Flint believes the Pentastar has far better chances under Marchionne’s Fiat than under Feinberg’s Cerberus. Not because Americans will fall madly in love with Italian cars, but because “Chrysler has thinned its employee ranks so severely that it probably cannot create new cars on its own.” And it’s a trend that Flint is seeing across the industry.

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Steven “Steve” Rattner of Quadrangle Group will join the Presidential Task Force on Autos as an advisor to National Economic Council Director Lawrence Summers. Rattner has no publicly-known experience in the automotive industry, although as a former newspaper man and print media investor, he surely knows a thing or two about dying industries. Anyway, as we reported earlier, Rattner’s major qualification for the position (he was previously being considered for “car czar” before that position was merged into the PTFA) appears to be that he’s a major Obama fundraiser, and is married to the finance chair of the Democratic National Committee.

I’m not much of a biblical scholar, but I did see Schwarzenegger’s End of Days. All sorts of weird shit happened before Arnie finally sent the devil packing. As we head down the home stretch for the auto industry reckoning, there’s some odd stuff percolating-up in the autoblogosphere. To wit: TheDetroitBureau.com’s suggestion that a newly independent Saturn or Saab should consider adding examples of HUMMER’s strategically doomed product line to their freshly liberated (or not) portfolio. Michael Strong makes the weak argument. Cross yourself and we’ll continue.

I present to you the results of the little brouhaha that I started way back on 3 February. Despite assertions that I was “making a mountain out of a molehill,” I feel it is important. I like standardization because it makes life easier but I also recognize that on a site like this, with its mixture of news and opinion, standards may have to give way to flexible guidelines. Spike_in_Irvine commented, “There is always tension between saying what is right and saying what is commonly used,” and I agree. I personally like the use of “torques,” “ponies,” and Farago’s occasional many flourishes of French because it adds personality. But, I won’t let it get out of hand; and, I will ensure that a review or news item contains the proper terminology.

One hundred people answered the survey. Survey says . . .