GM purchased HUMMER in 1988. Big mistake. Or was it? HUMMER is an enormously strong automotive brand. Its products are as instantly recognizable as the Chevy Malibu is utterly forgettable. In terms of the cultural gestalt, the automotive world hasn’t seen such a divisive vehicle since the days when a Rolls Royce was THE emblem of economic exploitation. HUMMER said I’ll see your class warfare and raise you . . . an imperialistic invasion! Love it or loathe it, you’ve got to love it or loathe it. If [like] nothing else, there’s a Hirst of modern artists who’d give their left ear to create an object as controversial, as deeply polarizing and emotionally engaging as the HUMMER H2. The H3 not so much. Now, we could debate how GM could have made HUMMER a financial success. But that would be a bit like arguing over how we could have “won” the second Gulf War. So let’s just ask the next most logical question, what can you do with a dead HUMMER?

Plus diesels and hybrids. After 2012. Maybe. [ Automotive News [sub]]

There’s the newly-updated Mitsuoka Viewt. It’s a Nissan Micra with a huge crush on the Jag Mk2. And a penetrating insight into the deep reserves of quirk available on the Japanese market. Hit the jump for cognitive dissonance-inducing interior shot.

Cadillac has confirmed that TTAC’s very own Jack Baruth will be allowed to compete in Bob Lutz’s SuperSedan Shootout (also known as the Cadillac V Series Challenge). The race will consist of five hot laps in any production sedan, and will take place at the Monticello Motor Club in upstate New York. Sadly, because of the time-trial format, we will not be treated to awesome footage of Jack putting Maximum Bob into the wall with some trademark “avoidable contact.” Still, TTAC’s resident speed freak will have the opportunity to take on GM’s resident cranky old man (as well as other bloggers) in a face-off that’s been nine years of online confrontation in the making. The only problem at this point is that the bastards at Jalopnik have stolen our whip…

My name is Robert Farago, and I used to modify my ride. Back in the day, I couldn’t afford what I really wanted to drive: a Dino. (A Pinto station wagon is about as far as you can get from a Dino whilst remaining in the same solar system that’s home to planet Earth.) So I spent my hard-earned money on Pirelli P3s. And sway bars. And God knows what. OK, a Nachamichi tape deck. Then, when I saved-up enough for a Mazda RX4, I swapped out the gearbox for the RX3’s more aggressive unit. And again. And again. RX7? Rear ribbed metal thingie over the hatch and numerous performance mods to the suspension, tires, wheels, engine and so on. Somewhere along the line I realized that no matter what I did to my car, it screwed-up something else. The manufacture spent millions achieving the perfect balance of ride comfort handling, reliability, cost, etc. Why did I think I could do better? I couldn’t. So I stopped. Whilst Mehta recovers from his coronary to pen a suitable rip-post, I’ll say this to enhance his experience: the only thing worse than a ridiculously modified car is its owner.

It’s easy to understand how a commercial like this gets made. Funny people miss the mark occasionally. What’s more difficult to explain is the decision to build an entire marketing campaign around such weak middle school humor. Are the executives at Subaru the same people who decided to buy the slapchop after Vince threw in the gratie, or did this actually test well thanks to Billy Mays nostalgia? If educated,experienced auto executives can be sold on this idea what hope do the rest of us have? Sebrings and WNBA tickets for all?

Yesterday, I asked TTAC’s Best and Brightest if Ford’s “surprise and delight” features (e.g. capless fuel filler, built-in fridge) were a suitable starting point for its latest ad campaign. You know; as opposed to slightly larger concerns (e.g. reliability, durability). Today, I’d like to expose broken mechanical teeth re: Mercedes “annoy and disappoint” features. Sure, I could unleash a major rant about the humongous clunk that occurs when my GL450’s gearbox gets confused. But let’s sweat the small stuff, shall we? What brilliant engineer/design team decided it was OK to put an MP3 connector in the left side of the glovebox, right next to the owners’ manuals? Where, exactly, did Mercedes think I was going to put those books when playing my iPhone? Did they really think I’d want to shuffle manuals after shuffling songs? Next: how much time, intelligence and money is required to see the need for—then design, craft and install—an indentation that allows the MP3 cord to remain connected and undamaged with the glovebox closed?

Did you think that finally sacking Mark LaNeve might have been another step in the direction towards the “culture change” promised land? Time for some new meds. And while we usually have to sit on our sour-puss predictions for a few days before being proven right, GM decided to back us up early this time. Automotive News [sub] reports that none other than Buick-GMC boss Susan Docherty will be replacing LaNeve at the pinnacle of the GM sales operation. “She brings a fresh perspective to the job and she has an extraordinarily high level of energy,” says Fritz Henderson. By which he means she’s a lifer, and owes her career to the timid, inept culture Henderson is simultaneously a product of and ostensibly bent on breaking.

The new Delorean Motor Company is apparently exploring the possibility of buying GM’s Wilmington Kappa plant and building a Pontiac Solstice GXP-based sportscar there. The firm released the rendering above, and the following post via Facebook:

What if John DeLorean were still alive? Some of his greatest automotive accomplishments were at Pontiac, and now the Solstice is a new car without a brand, and DeLorean is brand without a new car…

Our friends over at jameslist.com sent us a heads-up re: today’s collector car auction at Coy’s of Kensington, in Ascot (famous enabler of post-modern millinery). “Bargains isn’t [sic] Coys’ game, but if you are a collector in search of fine automobiles, or happen to be on the hunt for a Jaguar XJ200 with less than 200 miles on the odometer, then Coys is for you.” Now that’s what I call a niche market. Forget the how-low-can-you-go odo. Aside from styling, Jag’s early-90s foray into the supercar market was an abject failure, rendering the vehicle “collectible” only in the Edsel sense of the word. The headline issue: a late-in-the-game change from the original engine spec (a 500hp 6.2-liter V12) to a 3.2-liter six V6. V6? Forced induction? The new engine had about as much to do with Jaguar heritage as a Wolo Bad Boy Compact Airhorn. And sounded worse (if slightly quieter). Not . . . to mention . . . TURBO LAG! Hard to believe, but that wasn’t the worst of it . . .

We TOLD you there would be internecine warfare.

Before we jump into this one, it’s important to lay out a few caveats. The first is that, in general, TTAC doesn’t do recalls. It’s impossible to cover them with any fairness, and most of the time they’re inconsequential or hard to verify. The second is that TTAC really, really doesn’t do sudden unintended acceleration (SUA) scares. If someone tells you their throttle sticks wide open at precisely the same time as their brakes fail, they’re either covering for their own incompetence or looking for a buck. Period. Now, the proliferation of computer controls may have introduced a greater possibility of simultaneous system failures than existed on old, mechanically-actuated brakes and throttles. In fact, the recent rash of SUA complaints involving Toyota and Lexus models had me wondering if ghosts in the machine were rendering the time-tested SUA debunking test obsolete. No such luck. It turns out it’s the floormats, stupid. Toyota initially dismissed all SUA claims, but now Bloomberg reports they’re recalling floor mats on 3.8m Toyota and Lexus models for causing the gas pedal to stick.

I have a lot of non-car-enthusiast friends. When conversation moves to my work at TTAC, one of the most common responses I get is, “I’m not all that into cars, but I love Top Gear.” To which my answer is usually, “Well, you should check out TTAC because you might develop a new-found appreciation for our four-wheeled friends.” But, self-promotion aside, Top Gear may be the best thing to happen to cars since the development of the V8. The British show has simply refined the formula for pro-car propaganda to perfection. Which is why The Jay Leno Show‘s “Green Car Challenge” is so galling. The segment manages to completely rip off Top Gear‘s “Star In A Reasonably-Priced Car” segment, while leaving out all of its most compelling elements. Top Gear‘s race takes place around a real track (developed by Lotus no less), making its results a compelling measure of celebrity racing ability. Plus, its use of truly pedestrian vehicles never smacks of product placement and provides an entertaining counterpoint to the pervasive images of celebrities in the latest, hottest whips. In contrast, Leno’s track is a pathetic excuse for a raceway, his car is a shameless plug for Ford and the whole spectacle is coated in an unnecessary layer of gimmickry resulting in wholly uncompelling results like this latest Rush Limbaugh-piloted run. Leno may be the closest thing America has to a Jeremy Clarkson, but his Green Car Challenge is an unmitigated travesty that does great dishonor to the comparison. Thumbs down.

We had a brief word with the IIHS’s Russ Raider, who was quite cagey on the origins and condition of the 1959 Bel Air that was destroyed for the Institute’s 50th birthday. What we were able to get out of him was that the ’59 Bel Air was in “good” condition, with only a little engine rust, leaky hood/trunk seals and non-original upholstery in the negative column. We also learned that the car was procured in Indiana, and with this information we went looking for Bel Airs on the internet. And you’ll never guess what we found . . .

Ironically, suicide is considered very environmentally friendly.

This is a sick way for the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) to “celebrate” its 50th anniversary, but we do love us some crash test video. Apparently, “the driver of the 1959 Chevrolet Bel Air would have been killed instantly while the 2009 Chevrolet Malibu’s driver would walk away with a minor knee injury.” As someone who suffers with that affliction (head fake Bob), I’d ask the IIHS to define “minor” and will henceforth avoid speeding to my local car show in a 1959 Bel Air. Meanwhile, note to the IIHS: in fifty years you couldn’t have added sound? Gary Numan’s Cars, anyway. [Thanks to DC Car Examiner for the link.]

The good folks at Jaguar have been kind enough pledge an XFR to the TTAC side for the upcoming first annual (?) Robert Lutz Sports Sedan Challenge. In principle. We still don’t know whether Lutz imagines his challenge as a head-to-head race or a hot lap time trial, and these are important factors in planning racing strategy. Not to mention expensive car-lending decisions. Still, if GM actually goes through with this on fair terms, we could have one of the CTS-V’s top competitors for a mount. And if Hyundai brass show up as is being rumored (let alone Sergio Marchionne in a Quattroporte), we could just have one hell of a spectacle on our hands.

Too bad Obama already skewered this kind of presidential salesmanship. Hilariously.

Closed course, semi-professional drivers. I’m told.

So I get an email from my Mercedes dealer, one of those “throw a bunch of marketing stuff together and call it a newsletter” deals. Fair enough. Times are tough, even for the upmarket marque. And like many a pistonhead, I like to treat my vee hickle to something nice every now and then. Hmmm. Rubber floor mats. Mercedes-branded, tailored to my GL. As this will be the Guzzler’s first New England winter, yes, please! I know they’ll cost a fortune. But I don’t want to buy them from you-know-who and support Car and Driver more than I have to (which is not at all). And I’m too busy ethical to sleaze some for a review (which I would have to write). So I make the 25-minute trip to Inskip. The parts department’s Mercedes-branded product area is a mess. The shelves are mostly empty and thoroughly uninteresting. There’s a whole case of M-B caps—obscured by their plastic wrappers. The parts guy is on the phone. No eye contact. And I wait. And I wait. And I wonder why a car dealer can treat people like shit and neglect a potential profit center and then blame the economy for lousy business.

GM’s “May The Best Car Win” campaign is beginning to take shape, and it’s turning out to be every bit as gimmicky as you might guess. In a conference call with the motoring press, GM’s Bob Lutz challenged all comers to beat him around the Mazda Raceway at Laguna Seca. Lutz will be driving a Cadillac CTS-V, and he promises to beat any production four-door sedan as a way of proving that Cadillac does build world-beating cars. Jalopnik‘s Wes Siler has taken up the challenge, and will be facing Lutz in a Mercedes C63 AMG. So we’re curious: what unmodified sports sedan would you mount up in to send Lutz back to the RenCen with his tail between his legs? Myself? I believe water skis are the traditional conveyance for shark-jumping competitions. Meanwhile, TTAC would like to take this opportunity to pit our own Jack Baruth in this competition for the ages. Do we have a deal, GM?

What’s happened to MINI’s advertising? The car company that defined clever TV commercials, highly effective viral marketing and rockin’ real-world signage has dropped their cute ’n‘ quirky post-modern arched eyebrow cock-a-snook-at-SUVs play up the handling and performance in a “less is more” kinda way branding message—most recently exemplified by their MINI Cabrio campaign. Now MINI’s going for simple shock tactics. Note to BMW: a brand is a terrible thing to waste. Note to MINI girls: fuck you, too. [Thanks to Seth L for the link.]

GM’s new ad campaign, featuring Chairman Ed Whitacre, centers around the catchphrase “may the best car win.” According to the New York Times, the lure to new buyers will be a 60-day refund on any new GM product. In short, the perfect way to remind shoppers that buyer’s remorse comes standard on most GM vehicles. But that’s not even the craziest part of GM’s latest bid for consideration. To find out more, let’s just surf over to maythebestcarwin.com . . .

A little elevator music and voiceover by a heavily sedated airport announcer tell you everything you need to know about Toyota’s bid to bring excitement to its staid brand. Er, as long as you don’t fall asleep first.

Holy frijoles! I can say that, right? Frijoles aren’t a religion, are they? I mean, they could be; isn’t there a religion based on a talking salamander? Anyway, I guess that expression could be construed as racist, in a Frito Bandito kinda way. Whatever happened to the cartoon character who inspired Gerald Rivers’ trademark ‘stache? Political correctness, I suppose. Or it could be that Fritos suck. After being outgassed by a banana in my lunch bag, the corn snack tasted like the inside of a garbage can lid, only crunchy. So, where was I? Oh yes, trying to think of a clever way to segue from racist blasphemy to the fact that McLaren may think that less is more when it comes to supercars—or did with the F1—but they clearly believe that more is more when it comes to press releases. Hang on; mission accomplished. Well, minus the “clever” part. Make the jump for 10k+ words on the McLaren MP4-12C (a.k.a. 12C).

Now there’s a question… and here’s part one of DocumentaryHD’s video attempt at answering it.

Give that man an Oscar. Or a dark-colored Burberry polo shirt.

New proximity sensor on my Viper alarm

Check it out at 1:00 in.

Pics here. Engine sound (not terribly good, but there it is) here.

Ferrari-Powered Rambler Wagon by Divers Street Rod

No, we don’t know either. No idea. Not a freaking clue. Sorry.

The voice says Germanic been-there-done-that authority. The use of phrases like “sportif” and “bella macchina” say classic Italian flair. Meanwhile, the shirt, hair and necklace say “woah, brah, let’s hop in the Italia and score some babes.” If there’s a better encapsulation of Ferrari’s internationally recognizable combination of heritage, racing wonkery and nouveau riche gauche I have yet to witness it.

A former Ontario Attorney General who made a career crusading for severe auto safety laws is being held after witnesses say he killed a cyclist with his Saab convertible, according to the New York Times. Onlookers say Michael Bryant hit cyclist Darcy Allan Sheppard in downtown Ontario Monday evening, causing Sheppard to grab onto Bryant’s vehicle. Bryant then ran his Saab onto the sidewalk, apparently trying to knock Sheppard off by running him into streetlights and sign posts. He succeeded when Sheppard reportedly hit a mailbox and died. Bryant was best known for a 2007 law defining driving faster than 50 km/h as “street racing” with penalties including vehicle seizure. At the time, Bryant described cars as being “as dangerous as explosives.” Savor the irony.

[Thanks to TMcA for the link]

Update: According to the CBC, Sheppard may have grabbed Bryant or his car’s steering wheel and the two may have been struggling for control of the car.

Just in time for the 40th anniversary of Moammar al-Gaddafi takeover of Libya, the Colonel and “Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution” designed a car. Not just a car of course. The Moammar-mobile is “the future of the automotive industry.” That according to a press release cited by Der Spiegel. The name of the car harkens back to Gadaffi’s military past and future ambitions: It’s “The Rocket.”

The combination of bikinis and purported eco-friendliness is like catnip in Southern California, and Angry Green Girl knows it. Still, is a hybrid-only carwash “greener” than just going through the auto-wash? Maybe the minimal amounts of clothing help bring down the overall carbon footprint.

Is the owner of this Zap Xebra hoping the trash collector will take away this pile of junk? He may as well, because it’s been sitting there with a For Sale sign for well over six months. When I finally decided to stop and take a look at what he wants for it, I found out why. He’s been Zapped!

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It’s a confusing world out there. Which is why TTAC makes frequent use of a “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot” category. Here’s an “exclusive” look at Purolator’s newest “Purism” ad, the latest in a series that begs the question “what are they trying to sell anyway?” Like the man’s metaphor though, sometimes a swing and a miss is more entertaining than, well, an actual advertisement.