GM’s Fritz Henderson is trying on a paler shade of transparency over at ye olde Fastlane blog. With results that defy this blogger’s adjective collection. When asked whether the “new GM” should continue to employ the thousand authors of GM’s failure, Henderson replied with self-serving equivocation. “If I was starting a new company, which we are in fact, I would start with a blend of people that have been involved in winning businesses and outstanding people that learn from their failures. At least for me personally, I have been involved in both.” Well, isn’t that convenient? OK, Henderson, “what do you think is the most important change that needs to be made in GM’s corporate culture?” Modesty prevents even us from posting Henderson’s reply before the jump.

Well, that’s how the Freep puts it. So will GM be leaving the toilet seat down? Will it apply for a separate credit card to pay for its extramarital liaisons? Will it be hiding its Playboy inside the latest Economist? Want to clear this up for us, CFO Ray Young? “As a privately held company, it’s likely we’re not going to disclose information except to the shareholders,” says Young. “We do not have to file all of the same documents that we do when we are a public company,” clarifies Chairman Kent Kresa. All of which creates more mind-benders than Will Shortz on a weeklong acid bender.

“Today,” writes GM CEO Fritz Henderson at his firm’s Fastlane Blog, “marks a defining moment in the history of General Motors.” And it’s true. GM has literally been skidding towards this day for decades. And though June 1, 2009 should have come years ago, it seems that there’s one possible benefit to its long, expensive delay. In this blog-driven year, GM knows that it can’t expect public largess without giving up some corporate privacy. That, or as a publicly-owned institution, GM is now subject to the Freedom Of Information Act. Either way, our tens of billions of tax dollars have bought American taxpayers an opportunity. An opportunity to webchat. Again.

Tense, Bob, tense. Repeat after me, “we have failed to survive . . . “

The folks at Mashable love to measure buzz, twits and general internet exposure, and they’ve come up with a few graphs that show how the automakers are weathering the current unpleasantness. And they show that (by the numbers, anyway) Ford is the most new-media savvy of the American automakers. Which means that on the straightforward (and questionably effective) metrics, Ford comes out on top. Most Twitter followers. Most Twitter updates. Most Youtube video tags. Most Flickr photos. Stop me if you’re getting too excited. But despite the huge numerical advantages that Ford boasts in the YouTwitosphere, the most interesting fact is that Ford is the least-covered automaker in actual news stories but most-covered in blog posts. Which means a lot of Ford’s measurable popularity might be attributable to the lack of bad news about it in the mainstream media. Not taking a bailout probably helped, too. Either way, you can’t help but wonder what the benefit really is of most of this “new marketing.”

Voice-over translation (per saabsunited.com) after the jump.

Remember the whole “we do not want to run the automakers” routine? Cue up the laugh track. President Obama’s PTFOA has intervened to halve Chrysler’s ad budget during its taxpayer-funded bankruptcy, reports Automotive News [sub]. Chrysler had requested $134 million for advertising during its alleged nine-week bankruptcy. That request was halved by the PTFOA because that body “believed that it was not feasible to not spend anything on marketing and advertising for fear of eroding the image of the brand,” says Chrysler Chapter 11 consultant, Robert Manzo, in court documents. We knew Chrysler’s DIP budget was being drawn up “in consultation with the Treasury,” but this is the first glimpse of a struggle between Chrysler management and its government paymasters.

Didn’t this just happen a short year ago? Or was it all a dream?

Or so says Automotive News [sub] Executive Editor, Edward Lapham, in a brief aside. According to Lapham, Chrysler is ramping up a major ad campaign (a fact that remains unconfirmed by Chrysler) that steals from the $5 billion supplier bailout fund. “Through its ad agencies,” writes Lapham, “Chrysler is lining up major media that are willing to accept a price cut of 2 percent in exchange for assured payment under the federally funded critical-supplier payment plan.” Because Chrysler wanted to see if its post-bailout supplier relations could possibly be worse. Although to be fair, those two percent savings do add up . . . to about 30 pieces of silver.

“Bring on the infrastructure” roars GMC’s latest truck ad, erasing the images of American blight and decay that opened the spot. “If we’re gonna rebuild this country,” intones the tough-guy voice over, “we’re gonna need the truck that’s been doing the job for the last 100 years.” The ad, available at Jalopnik, is one tiny step away from being “brought to you by Sierra, official truck of the 2009 federal stimulus package.” On the other hand, Detroit has always relied heavily on the patriotism factor (however warped by the times), as this slightly older ad (that we could find an embed code for) proves. Maybe the latest effort just seems more cynical because, I don’t know, GM is already dependent on federal largesse. And for some reason, GM dealers seem to think the answer is more cynical posturing, reports AdAge. Dealers are “clamoring for a national ad campaign to counteract the daily drumbeat of negative news about whether the company will go belly up,” and GM’s Mark LaNeve admits that the bad news is “telling GM’s story for us.” Which heralds fewer sales-building, product-based ads and more bailout-baiting, “brand building” spots. So stand by for more of the “GM is America” nonsense.

In a recent interview with AutoObserver, Chrysler’s Jim Press tries desperately to state the case that somehow things could be worse at Auburn Hills. In the process he piles on the layers of denial that keep the smallest Detroit automaker senselessly hanging on. “It’s hard to say things are good when sales were only down 25 percent [retail],” press tells AO’s Michelle Krebs. “That’s terrible, but it’s less terrible than the industry decline of 40 percent.” It’s also less terrible than the 44 percent overall sales drop that ChryCo endured last month, but then the fact that Press only mentions retail sales kind of says it all. Especially considering he made AO’s editors include [retail] in his otherwise misleading (or is that self-deluding?) quote. But, “things aren’t so bad,” concludes Press. “At 80,000 vehicles sold in February, we’re doing OK.” Apparently we will know things are bad when Press starts lying about sales rather than pathologically misrepresenting them.

Think bankruptcy might be an option worth exploring for General Motors? Worried that the Volt might have been a tad too ambitious? Clearly you must be sick in the head. Reasonable people just don’t think that way. After all, why listen to bankruptcy lawyers and university researchers when you can get the truth straight from GM. You think those eggheads know more about GM than GM? Think about it. And while you’re suspending your disbelief, head down to GM’s Fastlane blog. You’ll get your facts straightened out faster than you can say “Stockholm Syndrome.”

Also file under “what else do you say when sales drop 52.9 percent?” Automotive News [sub] sifted out a tasty nugget from GM’s latest sales conference call kabuki. “We’ve looked at Hyundai’s ( Assurance) program extensively, and we’ve examined some possibilities of what we might do because certainly the consumer is anxious and worried about the future and whether or not they will retain their job,” was how GM’s Mark LaNeve put it. Interesting. But, continues the GM marketing chief, “we’re not crazy about the Hyundai program.” Because it’s made of kimchee? No, “because all it does is protect your credit from being wrecked. You’ve still got to turn in your car. And when you lose your job, you still need a car to find another job.” GM’s answer: build the gimmick that fixes everything. Of course.

It’s been a while since we’ve been graced with a good emotionally-charged argument for a “moral obligation” to bail Detroit out. These canards were a dime a dozen during the initial bailout push, as every Michigan-based opinion writer spilled ink by the barrel describing the myriad ways in which America owed Detroit big time. From winning WWII to spearheading racial tolerance. From fighting for the rights of the proletariat to exercises in moral relativism. It seemed that Detroit backers had leveraged every possible emotionally-charged issue to clear the way to the federal teat. But just when we thought that the flow of intellectually dishonest bailout blackmail had slowed to a trickle, we found one of the best examples yet.

According to my Bloemfontein rose, the best way to cope with winter driving is stay inside. If it weren’t for the tail-out action afforded by the slippery stuff, I’d agree. Telecommuting, Stop & Shop Peapod, Netflix, Gamefly, school bus—why tempt fate? Throw another log on the fire (yup, they deliver those too), fire up the Mac and kick back. Still, there are millions of motorists who have to brave the elements to make ends meet. And winter driving can be brutal to the point of Fargo-style human popsicles. You’d kinda hope that anyone who lives the requisite 16 years required for a driver’s license whilst living in a cold climate would have a little common sense in this regard. But never underestimate the power of PR people to underestimate the intelligence of the average human being. This time we have Land Rover telling UK motorists how to survive their recent cold snap. After all, “Land Rover has 60 years of driving experience, with a line-up of supremely capable vehicles which boast permanent four-wheel drive and pioneering technology such as Electronic Traction Control, Hill Descent Control (HDC) and Terrain Response – which includes a snow setting utilising the vehicles’ traction aids.” Ready to be surprised? Then stand down, chill out and feel free to add something a little more . . . useful.

Tesla has increased the price of its Tesla Roadster by pricing once-standard equipment at $6,700. Customers who thought they’d locked-in pricing by submitting up to a $50k deposit, haven’t. “We want to have healthy margins on the car to guarantee the viability of the company,” says Tesla spokeswoman Rachel Konrad. “The margins are really important on this car for the next group of investors, whether it’s public shareholders in an IPO, the federal government looking at federal loan candidates or the next group of venture capitalists.” According to Wired, the biggest increase is to the “high-power connector” that recharges the car’s lithium-ion battery in as little as three hours. Once offered as standard equipment, it now costs $3,000. Tesla still includes a mobile 110-volt connector in the base price. But it requires as much as 37 hours to recharge a dead battery. “That can seem startling, and it is a big change,” Konrad admits. “But we have a lot of customers who use their mobile charger as a primary charger. Even with a 110 charger plugged in overnight, they’re nearly full again the next morning, because most customers aren’t driving the car to empty. They’re constantly topping off the battery.”

GM’s VP For R&D Larry Burns has a new post up at Fastlane, calling for a “partnership between the U.S. government, auto manufacturers and suppliers, the energy and infrastructure industries, and other key stakeholders focused on transforming the automobile.” After all, as Burns says “we all seem to be coming to the conclusion that the automobile as we know it — powered by a combustion engine — must eventually go the way of the horse and buggy. It is simply not sustainable.” And so Burns humbly offers GM’s solution: The Cadillac Converj, A concept car that is powered by electricity. Unless it wants to go more than 40 miles, in which case it’s back to the ol’ ICE. But luckily “significant challenges” are actually a good thing when you are going for government handouts and not the Standard Of The World.

There’s an eerie thread of optimism weaving through a number of post-bailout, post-December bloodbath stories lately. Sure, hope dies last and all that, but as Studs Terkel put it, “hope has never trickled down, it has always sprung up.” And most of this fresh-faced optimism seems to have trickled down directly from GM PR. Take the headline “‘Happy Days’ Return For Domestic Car Dealers” over at Dealersedge.com, for example. If the use of scare quotes in the headline isn’t enough to set your PR-friendly hackery alarm ringing, well, that’s why we’re here. The entire piece is based on quotes from employees and owners of three dealerships, two in New Hampshire, one in Michigan. These ecstatic, old-timey song-referencing folks spout anecdotal evidence of a new influx of floor traffic, offering no dissent from the opinion that “happy days” are indeed here again. And why wouldn’t they say that zero percent terms on Trailblazers and Saabs have Americans flooding the showrooms?

So opens a guest commentary by Ira Lacher in today’s Des Moines Register. And if you believe the Detroit line, you might assume this voice from the middle American heartland would answer in the affirmative. You’d be wrong. Lacher describes his impression of American cars as being “designed and put together by committee – a bunch of parts cobbled together. The steering wheel felt as if it were just sticking out of the dashboard. The gas and brake pedals seemed mere appendages to the floor. The seats were uncomfortable frames covered with cheap cloth. This wasn’t a car; it was a homemade personal computer! By contrast, every rented Honda, Toyota, Mazda and Nissan seemed like a machine that functioned like one machine.” But when he recently purchased a Hyundai, Lacher clearly felt at least a few pangs of guilt.

Maximum Executive Bob Lutz is spreading the Christm, excuse me, Holiday cheer over at the GM Fastlane blog today. You see, Lutz is troubled by the amount of attention that his firm has attracted since going on the holiday handout dole. Yes, “the sheer volume of words written about the auto industry in the past month or two is enough to fill the Library of Congress (Yes, I’m employing irony),” writes Lutz, or some well-paid ghostwriter. “Some of the material generated has been ill-informed and off the mark. Some have used the same old and outdated anti-Detroit rhetoric and bias we’ve been seeing for years,” continues the man of maximum. And so, Lutz suggests a steady diet of Detroit appologia from the pantheon of bailout-backing pundits. Specifically…

Thanks to our new feature– What Wrong With This Picture (3WTP)– I am trained in the fine art of anomaly spotting. So when I saw this Autobloggreen (ABG) photo of Emmy Rossum filling-up her Blue Tec Merc with diesel, the cognitive dissonance nearly deafened me. First, check the posture. Emmy’s feet are way too close together for proper pumping. Second, the shoes. Have you ever tried driving an SUV in high heels? (Trust me, it’s not a good idea.) Third, why is she looking at the pump? I highly doubt she’s worried about the price. And if she was worried about nozzle blowback, she’d already be standing away from the vehicle. And then there’s the photog’s reflection. Only professional photogs assume that kind of contorted position, or use such a huge aperture (the camera). And so I read the text, which seemed to indicate that this is some kind of trend: celebs ditching Priora for Mercedes BlueTec diesel SUVs. Which makes no sense whatsoever. “Recently the likes of Naomi Watts, Kyle MacLachlan and Gary Oldman have been turning up driving Mercedes-Benz BlueTec diesels like the ML320 and E320. While these vehicles are not in the same green class as the Toyota, the do offer the other attributes of a Benz with much better fuel efficiency than gasoline-powered alternatives.” Which sounds an awful lot like PR copy to me…

Business Week caught up with the Ford Circus road trip to Washington for a telephone interview. Having presumably learned some lessons on that last trip, Alan is re-engaging with the wonders of road food and claims to like it! “We stopped at a dynamite service plaza and we bought a little boxed lunch.” Wow, after putting up with the crap food served on the Boeing and Ford corporate jets old Alan must be in heaven to finally get some good old fashioned Service Plaza Boxed Lunch. Somebody tell him not to eat the box, even if it does taste just like the sandwich. You have to hand it to the guy for being able to spin with the best of ’em though.

So now we know where the press scarfed all those Maximum Bob bites™: the text of GM Car Czar Bob Lutz’ address to a confabulation of spinmeisters. MB starts off on exactly the wrong foot: the perception gap. It gets worse from there, obviously. Bob reiterates his theme of late: design rules. Apparently, it’s “the last great differentiator in the automotive business. Everybody has great powertrains and adheres to the same basic fuel economy and safety standards. Everybody has good, flexible, low hour-per-vehicle manufacturing. Everybody has efficient purchasing and uses the same suppliers. Everybody has roughly similar reliability and quality ratings.” Hang on; does that include me? ‘Cause I don’t think Bob and I share suppliers, if you know what I mean. And then Bob says PR is a crock of shit. “I’ve been a lifelong critic of corporate communications that don’t communicate, or are too sanitized. All large corporations are good at it, and General Motors is certainly no exception. In this case, communications, instead of being a weapon for putting out the truth, becomes simple risk avoidance. It focuses on making sure that no one says the wrong thing. And often, by focusing on not saying the wrong thing, you’re essentially saying nothing.” Sorry. What were you saying?

TTAC has previously reported deep concerns about the GT-R’s ‘Ring recond. Australian Herald Sun automotive journalist Paul Gover reports that Porsche was sehr unglücklich with Nissan’s claims that its GT-R is faster around The Green Hell than Stuttgart’s mean machines. To test its suspicions, Porsche bought a GT-R in the U.S., flew it to the ‘Ring and ran its own back-to-back tests with the Japanese supercar. Porsche’s expert ‘Ring runner couldn’t get within 25 seconds of Nissan’s claimed record. Porsche also “discovered” that its 911 Turbo and GT2 were both faster around the legendary German circuit than the bonkers Nissan. “This [GT-R] wonder car with 7:29 could not have been a regular series production car,” proclaims August Achleitner, the 911 product chief for Porsche. “For us, it’s not clear how this time is possible. What we can imagine with this Nissan is they used other tyres.” Achleitner’s mob clocked the GT-R at 7 minutes 54 seconds; the 911 Turbo managed 7:38 and the GT2 lapped the track in 7:34. “The Nissan is a good car. I don’t want to make anything bad with my words,” he says. “It’s a very consistent car. But this car is about 20 kilos heavier than the Turbo… This technical puzzle now fits together. With the other numbers we had problems to understand it.”

“The film ‘Flash of Genius’ chronicles the life story of Bob Kearns, who asserted that he invented the intermittent windshield wiper and sued Ford, Chrysler and other automakers for patent infringement. While films like ‘Flash of Genius’ are made for entertainment purposes, the facts are often less dramatic.

Bob Kearns as well as hundreds of engineers from many companies, including Ford, helped develop the intermittent wiper as part of an evolution of existing automotive and electronic components.

While there are inaccuracies in the film, Ford sees no value in re-hashing the history of a legal case that was resolved in court almost 20 years ago, when a jury ruled that Ford did not willfully violate Mr. Kearns’ patent.

Today, Ford continues to make engineering and design breakthroughs in areas such as fuel efficiency, safety and smart technology, and is proud of its 100-year legacy of innovation in automotive technology.”

The Olympics kicked off Friday in Beijing, with a bright beige, smog-filled sky, intense pyrotechnics, and some incredibly impressive artistic performances by the Chinese. I missed nearly all of it due to preparation for my upcoming Iraq deployment, so I ran into my apartment, threw my flight gear into the corner and flipped on the TV to grab what was left of the Opening Ceremonies, Instead, I watched a tribute to the GM brand in rabbit-eared-fuzzy glory. Brandi Carlile belted out "The Story" as the redundant seemingly endless range of GM vehicles paraded across the screen. I got choked up, not because of the truly good GM products they displayed (CTS, Enclave, Camaro), but because the Volt concept was shown, still with a debut date of 2010. As the tag line, "Something Shiny, Blue, and Beautiful" flashed across the screen under the GM logo, I wondered if GM still thinks a well-done commercial tugging our heartstrings and a vehicle powered by hope and pixie dust will actually restore faith destroyed by three decades of lousy products and service. Then immediately after, a local ad proclaiming $10k off new Suburbans blared out, blasting the Velcro patches off my flight suit. My sense of reality was restored. GM, you can do it. I've seen glimpses of it. I've driven it. But don't think you can erase all the bad times with sentimentality and soft-focus screen shots. Make it happen in cold, harsh daylight reality. But thanks anyways for supporting our Olympic athletes.

Ignorance is a bankable commodity. When Bear Stearns stepped-up to the federal begging bowl, the average U.S. taxpayer had no idea who the Hell they were, why they needed money, and whether or not they should get it. Still doesn't. But if/when Ford eventually asks Uncle Sam to open your purse, it may not have what you'd call a winning plot line. Ford's good will with the public has often gone up in smoke (Pinto) or rolled over and died (Explorer). There's another PR debacle looming over the horizon: Flash of Genius. The movie paints a bleak moral picture of the artist once known as the inventor of the working class hero-mobile. We'll be sure to explore whether or not it's accurate in future posts. Meanwhile, make no mistake: it doesn't matter. Except that it does. And will. [thanks to katiepuckrick for the tip]

In their latest commercials Subaru tells us that dumping a junk car in the wilderness or driving a car you can't see out of equate to some strange form of love. The first shows some environmentally-challenged dufus driving two days to take his old Forester to "Subaru heaven," which consists of a spot somewhere in an otherwise pristine wilderness area where other Subaru owners have abandoned their worn-out rides. There, apparently, they sit until they rust to pieces, releasing their various petrochemical-based fluids and toxic metals into the environment instead of being responsibly recycled and reused. The other shows someone who must come from the same genetic pool as that guy because he refuses to wash his Outback, claiming it's a "badge of honor" and that he'll "let the universe take care of it." He'd better hope the universe is taking car of him when he pulls out in front of that bus or runs over that motorcycle in the lane next to him because his windows are so nasty he can't see what's around him. And this comes from a company that not long ago bragged about how their factory is a wildlife preserve and how safe their cars are. Maybe they just don't expect their customers to share their "values."