When Barack Obama made his state of the American auto industry speech, industry watchers lampooned the President for being the “Salesman-in-Chief.” More than a few members of the automotive punditocracy supported the idea, but said BO made a bad job of it. The Autoextremist led the charge, lambasting the Prez for using the word Voldemort—I mean “bankruptcy” in public. The Detroit News auto editor has followed the president’s lead, switching from cheerleader to salesman. And a damn good one too! (By his own admission.) “When you cruise around Macomb County in an ‘Inferno Orange’ Camaro SS. People make U-turns and follow you into parking lots. They ask if they can sit in it and want to know all the trim levels. Chevy was kind enough to drop one off for me over the weekend, and I probably sold more of the muscle car for the General than any Chevy dealer in town.” Hang on; did Chevy drop off a person or a car? [apologies to Jeff Puthuff] So . . . Manny ends his tired-aid by with a small dick joke.

On Sunday, GM CEO Fritz Henderson went out of his way to avoid waving the American flag in his desperate attempt to sell the idea that his employer had a future building and selling cars in the US market. Well, duh. Ford, GM and Chrysler are not exactly in the best position to go all protectionist, given the huge number of parts and vehicles the ailing American automakers imports from abroad, discounting (and how) the vehicles they want to keep selling abroad. But The Detroit News boldly goes where Rick Wagoner’s clone fears to tread. All columnist Marney Rich Keenan’s “Buying American cars: It’s finally catching on” needs is an exclamation mark. [And an accompanying image that’s not a photochop.] Say it ain’t so, Joe! In this case, “Joe” is Keenan’s culture-loving brother, makes the connection between purchasing American cars and GM’s support for the arts. Which will no doubt be toast as the Presidential Task Force on Autos gets stuck in. Anyway, here come the usual suspects . . .

Ad Age only lists GM and Chrysler’s ad spend for all of ’08, before the ailing American automakers bellied-up to the federal bailout buffet. But the writing’s on the wall for a number of media who depend on the two teat sucklers for ad cash. The carmakers’ $3B ’08 combined ad spend has already been slashed. When Chrysler and GM go Tango Uniform, well, there’s a black hole out there with their name on it. At risk ’08 ad bucks: Car and Driver ($20.6M from GM), Automobile ($15.4M from GM), Motor Trend ($6.1M from Chrysler). If you’re wondering why the buff books’ reviewers treat GM and Chrysler products with kid gloves, I’ve just shown you the money. And here’s a pdf charting the ch-ch-ch-changes from 2007 to 2008, in terms of the two automakers’ percentage of the buff books’ total ad take [NB: ’07 was a very good year, for small town dealers, with perfume in their hair, until they came undone.] Steve Parr, president of Source Interlink Media, is non-plussed, allegedly.

Why, that news is so good that the Freep is happy to throw ChryCo the irony-free headline. April Fools! Sales are actually down 39 percent compared to March 2008. It’s just that Chrysler hasn’t topped 100k monthly sales since September. Does this look like a turnaround to anyone? Bueller? Jim Press? “The market is starting to show small signs of life which need to be nourished like seedlings.” What a touching image. Tiny seedlings struggling to life under a pile of government cash. Please, describe these plucky little plants for us, Mr. Press. “The fact that we exceeded 100,000 units for the first time since last fall is encouraging, and evidence that our improved quality, improved mileage as well as value represented in Employee Pricing Plus Plus are just what the doctor ordered for recession-wary customers who are reluctant to make long-term purchases. It’s too early to see a trend, but spring shows signs of hope.” If showing signs of hope is your job description, perhaps. But how did the federal proclamation ( PDF) of “the poor quality of [Chrysler’s] existing product portfolio” affect the sales seedlings?

Ousted GM CEO Rick Wagoner is being posthumously hoisted onto a cross by Michigan’s Governor Granholm and the Detroit News, which is running a piece today entitled “GM Workers Upset That Wagoner Became Sacrificial Lamb.” Huh? Better him than them, right? “Here we got past all the bad media, all that fury during congressional hearings, and now they want him to resign,” says UAW Local 599 (Flint) Chair, Terry Everman. “It’s really a setback, because you don’t know what new direction GM will take.” And it’s not just the uncertainty that has workers in a kerfuffle over the Wagoner pink slip. “It just didn’t seem appropriate for the administration, rather than the board, to dictate,” says OnStar Manager, Bryan Bateman. “I think Rick was a sacrificial lamb in all this. I think he took one for the company.” Except that Red Ink Rick should have been dumped years ago, and the irresponsible board members that kept him around have been canned by Obama as well. Oh, yeah, and GM turned its fate over to the feds the second it took public bailout money. But, hey, one man’s sacrificial lamb is another man’s tasty entrée. To (you guessed it) more government intervention on behalf of the General. Of course.

There’s a big brouhaha brewing between an organization called Think Progress (TP) and Fox News Analyst Bill O’Reilly. After Billy Boyz ambushed ThinkProgress.org Managing Editor Amanda Terkel, TP is urging advertisers to pull their ads from Billy’s show. Here’s a response from a Ford spokesman who wasn’t spoking on behalf of Ford, but felt free to use FoMoCo’s imprimatur:

Thanks for the heads up. And while I agree with you about the rantings of the hopelessly pig-headed Mr. O’Reilly, recognize that I am just an innocent bystander in this email letter silliness. I work at Ford and support Ford, but have no idea how the decisions are made on where we advertise. Frankly, as a mainstream company, we advertise everywhere there are good ratings. That is not an endorsement of the show — that is recognition that people are watching the show. Don’t know why they watch that mindless ranting. But they watch in droves. Welcome to America, I guess.

The MSM knows GM’s broken. (Ya think?) They also know the Presidential Task Force on Autos (PTFOA) is on the case, writing checks as fast their little pens can scribble; it takes a LOT of checks (and no balances) to keep the zombie automaker from going belly-up. The press also realizes that something must change! But . . . what? Rick Newman over at US Snooze and World Report (that was unnecessary, but fun) reckons he knows what GM needs to do that it isn’t doing now. Do what the competition’s doing. Pedants note: Rick’s not suggesting ten new products. I think. He’s simply saying that the following machines are “some of the top cars from which the Detroit automakers can learn.” Presumption up with which GM’s top brass can not put. Presumably. Oh, and Rick, you might want to check the sales charts for some of these, and/or ping TTAC’s B&B for slightly more meaningful memes than Detroit hearts building big.

According to the About page at PostCardFilms.com, Mariessa Jonasz “can be seen in the television show “ I Didn’t know I Was Pregnant,” which aired on Discovery Health.” Folks, we’re talking about women who didn’t know they were pregnant until they gave birth. How creepy is that? Not quite as unsettling as the news that Mariessa is married to this PR film’s narrator, Jedrzej Jonasz. Mr. Jonasz’ credits include a Canadian TV documentary called “Why is it sexy?” The mind boggles. And the question remains: how did this entirely unlikely pair blag their way into a brand new BMW (even for a few days) and (presumably) flights, hotel, meals, museum tickets, gas expenses and (for all we know) a per Diem budget?

More than a few members of TTAC’s Best and Brightest have joined the Chrysler Listens customer advisory board. We’re starting to get some of these comms back, and they’re about as revealing as you’d imagine®. Only more so.

This message is a follow-up to our chat with Steven Landry, EVP of North American Sales, Marketing, and Mopar® Parts and Service at Chrysler:

This is a follow-up to the e-mails we sent last week regarding the Fiat® alliance. At Chrysler, we are working tirelessly with the assistance of the U.S. auto task force to continue our progress in meeting the requirements set for us by the government. At this historic time, we need every one of our Customer Advisory Board members who support our ongoing efforts to get the word out to all our local, state and federal representatives that Chrysler is a viable business on a stand-alone basis.

With what one hopes is feigned incredulity, the Freep‘s Sarah Webster marvels at how political the issue of GM’s bankruptcy has become. “I must confess,” writes Walker with a conveniently wide-eyed naiveté, “I was quite surprised when the issue of whether General Motors Corp. or Chrysler LLC should file for bankruptcy took a turn to the political when the automakers first approached the federal government for a rescue package last fall.” Yeah, it’s a shocker alright. But why is Walker so surprised?

I was going to email TTAC commentator kazoomaloo to tell him I’d deleted his TTAC flame (“Dude, this is a pretty lame story”) when I clicked on his web addy instead of his email. I stumbled upon his pitch for a Ford Fiesta, as part of FoMoCo’s early adopter contest. I thought it worth sharing here because A) I like it and B) I’m showing the red card (or is that green card) for his assertion that the Fiesta is American. Hecho en Mexico, amigo. Moving on—I mean forward [ED. Fordward?]—I mean ahead, it’s the best day ever for Ford. CBS News is blowing some serious smoke up America’s @$$ regarding Ford’s relative health. Today, Ford received top billing as part one of The Morning Show’s weeklong series, “Early Across America,” featuring stories of “hope and optimism amid all the economic gloom sweeping the nation.” You can’t buy publicity like this. Oh wait . . . Anyway, there’s more!

Today’s the day that the embargo on Camaro reviews ends. First, as a taxpayer, a big thank you to all the automotive publications and websites that abided by the terms of GM’s proscription. You’ve helped my corporate beneficiary concentrate its marketing firepower for maximum effect. Second, I want to re-iterate my suspicion—based on historical precedent—that all Camaros tested were “ringers” (specially built and prepared versions). And third, I’d like to point out that Detroit News carmudgeon Scott Burgess and I share something: we both hate people. OK, I hate the lies that people tell and Scott hates anyone who hates Detroit. I’ve said time and again that the number of people who actually care enough to hate Detroit is statistically irrelevant. But Scott’s world is constantly under imaginary assault from people who vilify the cars he loves. Which, needless to say, includes the new Camaro. Althoughly, strangely, Scott doesn’t bless with his 100 percent seal of approval. In fact, reading between the lines, the new Camaro’s not even a 90 percent car. First the ho-sannahs . . .

Is is that time again? The time when the MSM drinks copious amounts of Kool-Aid labeled J.D. Power Vehicle Dependability survey (VDS)? Assuming that there are TTAC readers who’ve joined us in the interim, let’s consider a couple of salient facts (as taught to us by Michael Karesh at the no-longer-TTAC-affiliated TrueDelta). First, the differences between brands in J.D.’s VDS is insignificant. Buick has 122 problems per 100 vehicles while Lexus has (shock!) 126 problems per vehicle. In the real world, this doesn’t mean you’re less or more likely to experience a problem in YOUR Buick or YOUR Lexus.

If you’re in the automotive business and can understand German, then A M und S (as the cognoscenti know it) is the must-read bi-weekly. Auto Motor & Sport offers features with brilliant technical detail about the snazziest innovations and highest-tech automotive gadgets. For me, it’s always a chore, never a pleasure. The Stuttgart- based periodical is dour and relentlessly auto-centric. If something is pro car industry, then they like it, if not . . . they don’t. Reading AM&S is as about as much fun as a listening to a cocktail party-goer going on about the Swabian way of sweeping sidewalks. Anyway, here’s my beef . . .

The Freep’s Carol Cain has gone one better on the crazies who suggested that Steve Jobs should take over Detroit, nominating Oprah Winfrey to become Detroit’s cheerleader-in-chief. Noting calls from Senators for GM to declare bankruptcy and falling public support for the Detroit bailout, Cain suggests that desperate times call for desperate gimmicks. “I don’t know what kind of vehicle Oprah owns or if she even drives. I don’t know what she thinks about the auto industry or if she could be convinced to help. I know she likely wouldn’t be in this for the money, glory or stature,” writes Cain. But, “perhaps someone could appeal to her sense of patriotism in helping this industry that has been the bedrock of our nation for generations. Like many Americans, perhaps some family member worked in one of the auto factories. The industry still has dramatic impact on all 50 states and many livelihoods are impacted by it.” And hey, she has experience giving away cars!

The mainstream media has finally discovered that America’s Motown-based automakers are in dire straits. (Was it the bailouts?) The Detroit-based automotive media are in full counter-insurgency mode, scouring the autoblogosphere for stories that say “SEE! They’re in trouble, too!” When Toyota recently secured bank financing, cries of “Bailout! Bailout!” echoed throughout the Motor City. And now Automotive News [sub] seizes on the Automotive Lease Guide’s [ALG] revised depreciation stats for proof that GM and ChryCo are not alone. “Toyota’s residuals take a dive” AN’s headline proclaims. “Not only are Toyota Division’s new-vehicle sales plunging, but so are residual values on its used cars and trucks. That is depriving Toyota of one of its best marketing tools: the healthy residuals the brand long has been able to brag about.” Uh-oh. Hang on. Context?

Well, he would, wouldn’t he? I mean, if Detroit was going to build a car for Scott Burgess, the 300C SRT8 would be it. Massive horsepower and . . . massive horsepower. Did I mention massive horsepower? What about massive horsepower? “The 425 horsepower instills confidence that few other engines can. Zero to 60 mph in five seconds; less than 12 seconds later and you’re cruising at 100 mph. It blasts off at lights and makes passing anything on the road as easy as stepping on the accelerator.” So, anything else then? “More importantly, for the 2009 model, engineers changed out some of the suspension to give it a smoother ride and recalibrated the antilock brakes and electronic stability program to make it even sportier. Even in the normal stability control setting, which would be the most restricting, the 300C SRT8 keeps it fun. Slam through a corner and the back end twists just enough to remind you how much fun driving can be.” Ah, power slides in a lumbering Yank tank. I’m so there! No really. Of course, no Burgess review of a car he likes would be complete without a chip on the shoulder FU to eco-weenies and Detroit haters . . .

The German government doesn’t seem to be in an awful hurry to bail out Opel. First, Berlin bitched about the quality of GM Europe’s rescue plan which was submitted last month. According to that plan, the German unit, along with its UK-based Vauxhall unit, would be partly spun off. Along with that, state aid to the tune of €3.3B ($4.2B) was requested. Berlin said the plan was interesting but mostly fluff. They demanded another one; it hasn’t arrived. No plan, no money.

And just in case a better plan would be forthcoming, Chancellor Angela Merkel set the bar a bit higher. “Before we decide (on aid), we must know important decisions in the United States; for example, how things proceed with Opel’s parent company General Motors, what independence General Motors can give Opel, what happens with Opel patents,” Merkel said, according to Reuters. That’s a whole bunch of important decisions to be taken before any money is being given.

Think bankruptcy might be an option worth exploring for General Motors? Worried that the Volt might have been a tad too ambitious? Clearly you must be sick in the head. Reasonable people just don’t think that way. After all, why listen to bankruptcy lawyers and university researchers when you can get the truth straight from GM. You think those eggheads know more about GM than GM? Think about it. And while you’re suspending your disbelief, head down to GM’s Fastlane blog. You’ll get your facts straightened out faster than you can say “Stockholm Syndrome.”

In Peter DeLorenzo’s last column, the self-styled AutoExtremist prescribed nichedom as an “elixir” for Pontiac. Reader reaction was so positive (apparently) that Sweet Pete has j umped off the deep end. People love the “excitement brand, whether it be for nostalgia reasons or because the attitude and spirit exemplified by Pontiac in its heyday.” In short, for nostalgia reasons. “But,” reckons DeLorenzo, “warm feelings of nostalgia won’t be enough to save Pontiac – or GM, for that matter.” Fast forward through some vintage bashing of “grim-reaping, hand-wringing, self-flagellating purveyors of doom in California and Washington,” and other “green-tinged” coastal elites, and what does DeLorenzo prescribe for the broken brand? Yup, “warm feelings of nostalgia.” Specifically, the return of the Firebird Trans-Am. The screaming chicken. Strap on the mullet, folks, this is going to get interesting.

Jerry Flint in his latest Forbes columm:

Layoffs, product cancellations and product postponements in America’s once great auto industry are way beyond cutting into fat. ‘Amputation’ is a better description. Even as the government spends billions to save the American manufacturers—with billions more aid to come—it is fair to ask if there will be anything left to save.

Despite generously admitting that “Chrysler may survive,” Flint believes the Pentastar has far better chances under Marchionne’s Fiat than under Feinberg’s Cerberus. Not because Americans will fall madly in love with Italian cars, but because “Chrysler has thinned its employee ranks so severely that it probably cannot create new cars on its own.” And it’s a trend that Flint is seeing across the industry.

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Steven “Steve” Rattner of Quadrangle Group will join the Presidential Task Force on Autos as an advisor to National Economic Council Director Lawrence Summers. Rattner has no publicly-known experience in the automotive industry, although as a former newspaper man and print media investor, he surely knows a thing or two about dying industries. Anyway, as we reported earlier, Rattner’s major qualification for the position (he was previously being considered for “car czar” before that position was merged into the PTFA) appears to be that he’s a major Obama fundraiser, and is married to the finance chair of the Democratic National Committee.

I’m not much of a biblical scholar, but I did see Schwarzenegger’s End of Days. All sorts of weird shit happened before Arnie finally sent the devil packing. As we head down the home stretch for the auto industry reckoning, there’s some odd stuff percolating-up in the autoblogosphere. To wit: TheDetroitBureau.com’s suggestion that a newly independent Saturn or Saab should consider adding examples of HUMMER’s strategically doomed product line to their freshly liberated (or not) portfolio. Michael Strong makes the weak argument. Cross yourself and we’ll continue.

I present to you the results of the little brouhaha that I started way back on 3 February. Despite assertions that I was “making a mountain out of a molehill,” I feel it is important. I like standardization because it makes life easier but I also recognize that on a site like this, with its mixture of news and opinion, standards may have to give way to flexible guidelines. Spike_in_Irvine commented, “There is always tension between saying what is right and saying what is commonly used,” and I agree. I personally like the use of “torques,” “ponies,” and Farago’s occasional many flourishes of French because it adds personality. But, I won’t let it get out of hand; and, I will ensure that a review or news item contains the proper terminology.

One hundred people answered the survey. Survey says . . .

Google Analytics provides an interesting look as to how visitors reach a website. I’d like to give our B&B some examples of how others (those who do not subscribe to the RSS feed or those who’ve not bookmarked TTAC) come our way and you’ll find the reason near the end of this post.

Below is a selection of the most interesting “entrance keywords” in the hope of giving you an insight in to the psyche of the non-B&B. Consider this: TTAC receives orders of magnitude more visitors than we have registered users. And, of registered users, a relatively small percentage are active participants (guest writers and active commenters), a.k.a. the Best & Brightest.

Yet again, a manufacturer is releasing an image which shows a bit of a car to generate excitement at the prospect of seeing . . . the rest of the car. Wasn’t there a board game like this, where you had to guess the whole image as little pieces were revealed? Well, I find the hide-and-seek, slow-reveal automotive press release shtick an inherently infantile practice. Resisting the urge to blame Autoblog for this outbreak of electronic peek-a-boo, thrilled as they must have been with the 235 “teaser” shots provided by FoMoCo in the run up to the entirely predictable 2010 Mustang, I will not resist the urge to call this technique the autoblogospherical equivalent of dickless porn. Do I really care what a new fender vent looks like?

Detroit’s hometown newspapers are reacting positively to the most recent requests for another round of automaker bailouts. Shocking, I know. After all, Detroit’s media is fast becoming the most notorious bailout boosters on the block. But titling an editorial “U.S. auto producers make a solid case for federal aid” is really stretching things, even by Detroit News standards. And as conditions worsen, the rose-colored-glasses act is really wearing thin. To paraphrase an old Soviet joke, there are two ways Detroit can be turned around: the natural and the miraculous. The natural way is that the Archangel Michael and his bands of angels descend to earth and work 24 hours a day to save the city’s economy. The miraculous way is that the automakers do it themselves. Detroit’s local media clearly believes in miracles.

After swimmer Michael Phelps won a drawer full of Olympic gold, he signed a deal with Kellogg’s to promote Frosted Flakes. Stupid move. Tens of millions of parents know that Frosted Flakes make their kids bounce off the friggin’ walls. Part of this healthy breakfast, my ass. All Phelps had to do was align himself with brands selling healthy living and he could have smoked the finest Maui Wowee, in Maui, for the rest of his life. Anyway, Phelps got caught doing bong hits. A smart handler would have used the opportunity to strengthen the Phelps brand. “Michael is obsessed with fitness. He doesn’t drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes. He regrets using an illegal herbal drug for relaxation. He is now exploring yoga and other alternatives. He encourages his millions of fans to learn from his mistake, as he has.” Let the Mary Jane debate begin! Anyway, Phelps signed a million dollar deal with Mazda to promote the brand in China. (Huh?) When the swimmer got busted, they somehow convinced him to make this entirely bogus, po-faced apology. It manages to make both Phelps AND Mazda look stupid. Yes?

Pity the print journalists. You work hard to live up to stringent standards of journalistic ethics, collect quotes, confirm sources and generally bust your hump only to have some snotnose with a laptop beat you to the punch. Ken Bensinger of the LA Times knows what I’m talking about. He has a piece today that compares the Chevy Malibu with the Chevy Impala, a contrast he spins into a number of critiques of GM’s product overlap, cannibalism and image-weakening products. Sound familiar? I thought so. As tempting as it might be to blame the family bankruptcy for falling standards, or guffaw at the very notion of a newspaper criticizing an automaker’s business decisions, this isn’t Newspaper Deathwatch. On to the cars.

Word and music by John Rich. (Lyrics after the jump) The same singer-songwriter who delighted crowds with the deliciously, unintentionally ironic Raisin’ McCain. You know, for background.

Every now and then the mainstream automotive press gets its inner TTAC on. Normally, those moments are reserved for vehicles that A) don’t advertise very heavily and B) don’t advertise very heavily. To be fair, the Nissan GT-R doesn’t advertise very heavily. So it’s fair game for USA Today carmudgeon James Healey. You may recall Healey’s previous work, in which the scribe often sounds like he’s holding a conversation with a PR flack– with Healey playing both critic and spinmeister. (Except when he actually quotes the manufacturer’s rep.) In this case, we get less prevarication, more kvetching.

But, c’mon, for a starting price of about $77,000, shouldn’t the power-window switches and the inside door handles be easy to reach? Shouldn’t the high-falutin’ dual-clutch transmission engage more gently than a whack in the back by a Caterpillar D9? Or the shift lever move toward the words “manual” and “automatic” to choose your mode instead of going one way only? Shouldn’t the outside door handles be easier to grab and yank?