The Detroit News reports that House Minority Leader John Boehner isn’t happy about the way their hometown heroes have been running things for the last, oh, three decades.

When it comes to the auto companies, they’ve avoided making the tough decisions for 30 years—and that’s why they’ve ended up where they are. Until I’m convinced they’re willing to make the tough decisions that stakeholders, their bondholders, their employees—everyone is willing to step up and do what they have to do, I’m not willing to commit taxpayer funds.

Boehner’s right. But this statement has enough wiggle room to hide Jeff for all time—“willing to make” instead of “make.” And speaking of weasel words . . . where does a federal politician get off lecturing Detroit on its refusal to make “tough decisions”? In fact, what does John Boehner know about business?

In the autoblogosphere, Ford gets brownie points for not sidling up the federal bailout buffet. This despite the fact that FoMoCo CEO Alan Mulally sat shoulder-to-shoulder with GM CEO Rick Wagoner and Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli at the pre-trough-snuffling congressional hearings. This despite the fact Big Al has lined-up a line of credit just in case he has to roll up one of those million dollar bills Ford pays him. Unfortunately, out there in the real world, consumers hear “Detroit Bailout,” not “Chrysler and GM Bailout.” Which is, coincidentally enough, fair enough. Ford is in deep shit. MSNBC ran the numbers; they’re bad enough for Uncle Sam to hide the checkbook. As if. If only. OK, here we go. . .

Despite the fact that all of the Detroit firms are actively trimming their dealer ranks, the National Automotive Dealers Association (NADA) is calling on the federal government to guarantee dealer floorplan loans. According to Automotive News [sub] NADA is requesting “anybody and everybody” in the government step up and prevent (once again) a necessary downsizing in the auto business. NADA spokesfolks say the auto retail industry’s $100 billion in annual floorplan credit is drying up, and “the cost to government for guarantees would be little or nothing.” Ipso facto. And yet the $25 billion in “136” loans took $7.5 billion to guarantee. NADA is bringing its somewhat short-on-the-details message of hope to Congress, the White House, the Treasury Department, the Federal Reserve, and the Small Business Administration this week.

This Jackson Citizen Patriot editorial sums up Detroit’s pro-bailout stance perfectly.

A bailout-weary public has every right to be skeptical of General Motors and Chrysler. The price tag to keep these pillars of American automaking alive soon will reach $39 billion. That comes to $127 for every U.S. citizen.

The expensive reality is that the federal government will—and should—lend more money to these companies while demanding progress on the road to profitability.

The alternative—the loss of hundreds of thousands of U.S. jobs—is too much to fathom today.

GM and Chrysler are asking to borrow $21.6 billion on top of $17.4 billion they received in December. Think of it as Bailout 2.0. As the public’s patience wears thin, it also might be the last time they could get taxpayer help.

Automotive News [sub] reports that the Swedish government is setting up the bailout smorgasbord for Volvo.

Sweden’s Industry Ministry state secretary Joran Hagglund said the government is due to approve an application from Volvo Cars likely to be filed to the European Investment bank (EIB) next month, financial daily Dagens Industri reported.

The government would guarantee 90 percent of a 5-billion-kronor (573 million dollar) loan, Hagglund said.

The remaining 10 percent would be secured from other sources.

Don’t look at me. So why is Sweden happy to go to serve-up plates of köttbullar for Volvo, yet won’t touch Saab with a ten foot stolpe?

The Wall Street Journal reports that “the U.S. Treasury have started lining up the largest bankruptcy loan ever, talking with banks and other lenders about at least $40 billion in financing for General Motors Corp. and Chrysler LLC, in case the two auto makers need it, said several people familiar with the matter.” Although the WJS neglects to specify the level of intimacy involved, contempt for the automakers’ viability plans may soon bring familiarity with debtor in possession (DIP) funding. People familiar with someone involved in the negotiations who’s close to someone who fought with your great uncle in Verdun reveals the heartening news that the $40 billion figure includes paying off the $17.4 billion in loans to Chrysler and GM pissed away thus far. Loaning money to someone to pay off a loan we already made to them? Why does that sound so familiar? But wait! It gets better/worse.

Make a right. Apparently. And can someone please remind me when Chrysler, GM and Ford took a stand on outsourcing?

I caught the following on fordmuscle.com. The author agreed to let me republish it here:

There’s an old saying, “Everyone is a capitalist on the way up and a socialist on the way down.” While GM’s circumstances are tragic, we need to let capitalism take its course. Propping up GM hurts the competitors who aren’t asking for handouts. It makes the playing field un-level. Ford is the fittest, and when resources are scarce, the fittest shall survive and the weak potentially go extinct. Ford stands to increase its market share dramatically if GM (and Chrysler) were allowed to fail. By doing so Ford would be able to make more cars, hire more workers, and be a better competitor in the global automotive market.

The Washington Post reports that “many analysts say the [TARP] pot isn’t big enough to address current plans to fix the financial system, let alone prop up the auto industry.” Since the first round of auto industry bailouts came from TARP, many considered the Toxic Asset Recovery Program the logical source for tranche deux. But if that money is needed for banks, as analysts indicate, the Obama Administration may have to return to congress for more funds. “From where I sit, it’s an executive decision,” says Republican Senator and bailout critic Bob Corker. “[The Treasury] fully understands we’re coming in with additional requirements,” said GM’s Ray Young after GM’s viability plan was released on Tuesday. “It will come as no surprise.” Who looks surprised?

Looks like President Obama’s team has a loose grasp on the realities of the U.S. automotive market, as in who builds what where. Either that or a firm grip on what the public needs to hear to sign-off on the roughly $100b’s worth of taxpayer money headed in Motown’s direction, pissed away trying to resurrect the dead and forestall the inevitable. I mean, preserving an important part of America’s industrial base and protecting America’s middle class.

Detroit’s hometown newspapers are reacting positively to the most recent requests for another round of automaker bailouts. Shocking, I know. After all, Detroit’s media is fast becoming the most notorious bailout boosters on the block. But titling an editorial “U.S. auto producers make a solid case for federal aid” is really stretching things, even by Detroit News standards. And as conditions worsen, the rose-colored-glasses act is really wearing thin. To paraphrase an old Soviet joke, there are two ways Detroit can be turned around: the natural and the miraculous. The natural way is that the Archangel Michael and his bands of angels descend to earth and work 24 hours a day to save the city’s economy. The miraculous way is that the automakers do it themselves. Detroit’s local media clearly believes in miracles.

“The submission of restructuring plans by GM and Chrysler represents the next step in what has been a difficult and disappointing chapter for the American economy, but I hope will become the transformation of our domestic automobile industry into a viable, technologically advanced, and globally competitive manufacturing force.

“In the coming weeks, the Obama Administration will review these plans and assess whether the shared sacrifice required of all stakeholders affected by the auto companies’ current conditions—workers, executives, bondholders, and shareholders—will result in reasonably restructured corporations, with good, high-paying jobs for the future.

“Congress looks forward to working with the Obama Administration on any future actions that may be needed to move our domestic automobile industry on a path of global competitiveness and advanced energy efficiency technologies, while ensuring accountability to the taxpayers.”

Full report now available at GM Media ( pdf) ( summary html).

Automotive News [sub] is reporting that GM’s new viability plan includes a request for an additional $22.5B in government funds. Without this money GM would run out of operating cash by sometime March. GM’s plan also calls for cutting 47,000 jobs globally by the end of 2009 and shuttering five unspecified US factories by 2012. GM CEO Rick Wagoner just thanked government officials “around the world” for “their openness.”

As Farago noted earlier, GM received tranche deux of its already-approved $13.4B loan today. They also request $4.6B per their December 2 request to round it all out to an even $18B. There’s also a request for $4.5B to pay of a revolving credit line that comes due in the fall of 2011. And then there’s the request for a $7.5B line of credit GM could tap “if” sales worsen over the next two years. This would bring GM’s taxpayer butcher’s bill to about $30B dollars. Incredibly, GM expects to begin repaying these loans by 2012.

GM also predicts that its North American operations will break even at an annual market rate of 11.5m to 12m units. Interesting. “The operating and balance sheet improvements outlined in GM’s viability plan are forecasted to result in a significant enterprise value and positive net present value, positive adjusted EBIT in 2010 and positive operating cash flow for its North American operations in the same year.”

It’s been a while since we’ve been graced with a good emotionally-charged argument for a “moral obligation” to bail Detroit out. These canards were a dime a dozen during the initial bailout push, as every Michigan-based opinion writer spilled ink by the barrel describing the myriad ways in which America owed Detroit big time. From winning WWII to spearheading racial tolerance. From fighting for the rights of the proletariat to exercises in moral relativism. It seemed that Detroit backers had leveraged every possible emotionally-charged issue to clear the way to the federal teat. But just when we thought that the flow of intellectually dishonest bailout blackmail had slowed to a trickle, we found one of the best examples yet.

Our deadbeat automakers will turn in their viability plans today, but, according to a number of reports, these plans (like their predecessors) will be short on workable details. Which helps explain why GM and Chrysler will be turning in their plans after the close of the markets today. The Treasury will receive the “plans” electronically at 4 p.m. today, but a public press conference won’t happen until 5:30 p.m. Which is probably for the better. GM’s stock price has dropped by double digits today, despite reports that their second tranche of bailout cash has already been approved. But having “scored a trillion dollars” as Bowie puts it, there’s still plenty of panic in Detroit.

Open letter from GM’s Union Leaders:

“Renaissance” plan for Europe is not viable. It will finish off the European GM brands and companies and includes unacceptable risks of litigation—the alternative is the spin off of the European operations

To all General Motors Dealers:

On Tuesday, Feb. 17, GM will submit an updated viability plan to the U.S. Treasury. The document will outline a significant restructuring of the company, along with demonstrating that we have a detailed plan for long-term, sustainable success as a viable, global enterprise.

Because this plan submission is of vital interest to you, I wanted to make you aware of some key activities regarding the plan submission:

The latest TTAC Bailout Scorecard (PDF) is now available. Updates this week include:

• The US makes sales and excise taxes on new vehicles deductible on federal income taxes

• Chinese market sales were up 4.4% in January at least in part due to government incentives.

• German clunker culling incentives spur huge up-tick in smaller car sales.

• Spain unveils new €4.1B aid and incentive package.

Barack Obama’s plan to appoint a “car czar” to oversee the auto industry bailout has been shelved, reports the New York Times. Rather than appoint a single individual (presumably of Romanov extraction) to administer the government handout, the President has ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and chairman of the National Economic Council, Lawrence Summers, to lead a “Presidential Panel on the Auto Industry.” Or Presidential Auto Task Force. Or Presidential Task Force on Autos. Or something. Either way, it’s time to start spreading the inevitable blame around. After all, GM’s top dogs have evaded responsibility for decades of disaster by embracing complexity. And it’s just so much harder to burn a committee in effigy.

If you recall, President Bush gave GM some money ($9.4b) and told them to come back later for more ($4b). The second tranche (as gourmands would say) depending on sorting out the United Auto Workers (UAW), convincing bondholders to swap debt for equity and rationalizing their brand portfolio. Anybody familiar with the UAW, rapacious capitalists (are there any other kind?) and General Motors knew that the chances of ANY of that happening were somewhere between none and the situation going in reverse. And so it hasn’t come to pass. After we learned that GM bondholders aren’t playing ball, Automotive News reports that the UAW has walked away from the ballpark. It seems the union isn’t happy with GM’s insistence that the union accept stock in lieu of cash for the GM-funded Mother of All Health Care Funds (a.k.a. VEBA). Did I say GM-funded? We’re on the hook now. Anyway, why would the UAW step up to the plate? The union would have to accept the idea that GM has a future when they, of all people, know it doesn’t.

Car analyst Erich Merkle was a cheery guy. A few days ago, as reported by mlive, he still believed Ford will thrive and GM will survive with government help. He had his doubts about Crisis LLC, but who hasn’t.

Now suddenly, Merkle joins the ranks of those who gather their maps to plot a path for the hills. The main problem of the car industry is that there aren’t enough buyers. There are fewer by the day. People are losing jobs. With more on the dole, there will be fewer in the showrooms. “I’m concerned about the job losses. The acceleration is pretty alarming, and that has to stabilize,” Merkle said to Reuters.

“If we don’t beat the second half of 2008 this year, then it could be all over,” said Merkle. “We’re all going to be peeling bark off trees and go back to being an agrarian society.”

With the third deadline for Detroit’s viability plans rapidly approaching, President Obama needs something, anything, to work with. “My goal, consistently has been to offer serious help once a plan is in place that ensures long-term viability and that we’re not just kicking the can down the road,” Obama tells Reuters. “What the nature of what that help ends up looking like, I think is going to depend on the plan.” And at first blush, Detroit’s task appears to be an easy one: tell the President what you need to survive and he’ll give it to you. But there’s a catch. “If a plan is presented to us premised on 20 million sales when we just know that’s not going to happen, then we’re going to have to ask them to go back to the drawing board,” says Obama. Seriously though, isn’t a plan premised on 10m sales this year a bit overoptimistic?

It’s insane. Chrysler and GM’s executives run their companies into the ground, shedding billions of dollars worth of shareholder value, destroying tens of thousands of jobs, sucking-up taxpayer funds, and the public gets all bent out of shape about a couple of jet flights. Still, point taken. And TTAC can now reveal that two Pentastar chartered jets (a former Chrysler subsidiary) took off from Oakland County International Airport on the morning of December 2, two days before the hearings wherein Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli appeared before Congress. (where all three Detroit auto execs made a big deal about driving to the hearing and arrived on the Hill in their company’s hybrid vehicles.) A Gulfstream G550 [aircraft pictured above], left at approximately 6 a.m. A Gulfstream IV [$5700 per hour], left at 8:45 a.m. Both planes flew to Teterboro Airport, NJ. Both planes were carrying Chrysler executives. We have reason to believe Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli was on board one of the planes.

The more tax money GM asks for the more it seems to need. Starting at home, it had come to the attention of our elected leaders that their $13.4 billion bailout of GM would bump GM’s tax liability by $7-$10 billion dollars. Specifically, the loan terms (new equity structure) would have constituted a “change in ownership,” potentially triggering the massive tax bill under terms set to prevent companies from merging to avoid tax liability. Luckily for GM, the new compromise stimulus bill exempts TARP-receiving firms from these ownership requirements, reports MLive. Good luck digging through the 778-page bill to find the exact wording, though. Meanwhile, we’re still waiting on word from the International Swaps and Derivatives Association as to whether these same equity structure changes and government regulations will trigger GM’s default swaps. And while DC kisses $7-$10 billion in potential GM tax revenue goodbye (which should be reflected in the total bailout cost), GM has already moved on to the next trough.

The Detroit News reports that GM and Chrysler are working furiously behind the scenes to extend the March 31 government deadline re: meeting the conditions of their $13.4b bridge loan to nowhere bailout buffet. Surprise! The American automakers’ inability to take responsibility for their actions may be true-to-form, but that doesn’t make it any less nauseating. Nor does the News’ coverage of the company’s weaseling, which put the “sick” in “sycophancy.” The only satisfaction to be had from this lede is the use of the word “scurrying.”

As General Motors Corp. and Chrysler LLC are scurrying to put the finishing touches on their restructuring plans due next Tuesday to the Treasury, finance and auto industry experts say submitting plans is one thing, but getting bondholders and all other parties involved in a massive restructuring to agree to those plans by the March 31 deadline seems unrealistic.

Pass the Alka Seltzer, here we go . . .

The Freep reports that GM will not be offering the customary buyout offers to its white-collar employees as it seeks to cut its salaried ranks by double digit percentages. Huh? The General’s offering its UAW workers $20k and a $25k car voucher to bugger off. Turns out GM’s bailout agreement with the government prohibits the ailing automaker from using GM’s pension fund to pay for those kiss-off packages– as it has done in the past. Specifically, the loan states that “the prohibitions on benefit increases under this covenant include… a prohibition on the creation or… payment of any obligations associated with any plant shutdowns, permanent layoffs, attrition programs or other workforce-reduction programs after the effective date.” And guess what? With the pension fund piggy bank cut off, there’s nowhere else to get the money!

Bloomberg reports that the rumors circulating around the autobologosphere are true: Uncle Sam “forgot” to put itself ahead of other creditors before writing $17.4b worth of “bridge loans” to Chrysler and GM. Of course, doing so would have rewritten bankruptcy law and pretty much turned the feds into something roughly akin to Chile in the copper-bottomed days of 1972. But, hey, the buffet must go on! “U.S. taxpayers currently take a backseat to prior creditors, including Citigroup Inc., JPMorgan Chase & Co. and Goldman Sachs Group Inc., according to loan agreements posted on the U.S. Treasury’s Web site.” Doh! And so the government hired the flying Cadwaladers to correct that little problem, who’ve let it be known throughout the land that “If federal officials fail to get a consensual agreement to change their position regarding repayment, they have the option to force the companies into bankruptcy as a condition of more bailout aid.” Well, they had that option all along. Anyway, what are the chances that the people holding the paper at Chrysler and GM won’t let Uncle Sam go to the head of the [they hope] theoretical queue? Actually, a lot higher than you might think . . .

As regular readers know, The Truth About Cars is working hard to try to find out who owns Chrysler—now that [ex] President Bush has provided $3b worth of no to low-interest loans to the technically bankrupt automaker. And now that this selfsame beneficiary of our government’s largess is looking for another $4b loan. And the rest. In our pursuit of this information, we are aided by members of our Best and Brightest who also believe that we should know exactly whom we are subsidizing. Are they the “retirees, teachers, municipal workers and ordinary citizens” that Cerberus claims? Or are the 100 or so unnamed investors members of hedge funds, perhaps from abroad?

Cerberus owns Chrysler. OK, perhaps “controls” is a better word. Cerberus bought Chrysler from Daimler by convincing a group of investors that the ailing American automaker was, one way or another, a money spinner. Well, it sure didn’t turn out that way. The U.S. taxpayer is now keeping ChryCo in business. Or not. On Monday, nine days before its next visit to the federal bailout buffet, Chrysler will close its Conner Ave. plant (MI) and “idle” Sterling Heights, MI; Brampton, ON; and Belvidere, IL. “The shutdowns will last for at least a week,” wxyz.com reports. “With the company evaluating whether or not to reopen them on a weekly basis.” Flip a coin? Meanwhile, we, the people footing the bill, don’t know whose investment we’re protecting with our tax dollars. Foreign nationals? Bailout banks? Former government officials? Current government officials? Other, more profitable automakers? I’ve made dozens of phone calls. Nothing. Not a word. So I’ve called Senator Corker’s office for help. Nothing. Not a word. [E-mail here.] Meanwhile, Cerberus may yet be forced into the open, thanks to a new exec pay limitation clause on the next round of bailout bucks (not retroactive for some reason). So, how much does CEO Bob Nardelli make?

It’s T minus 11 days before Congress does the thumbs-up thumbs-down thing on the artist formerly known as the world’s largest automaker. GM is up shit creek without a paddle. The United Auto Workers aren’t going to agree to parity with the transplant assembly workers, as required. The bondholders aren’t going to exchange debt for equity, as required. The company doesn’t have a clue what to do about its brands or products, as required. There is no way whatsoever for GM to prove to your elected officials that it has a hope in hell of repaying the $13.4b loans already made—never mind the $100b or so needed to keep the ailing American automaker in business for another year. So GM CEO Rick Wagoner is doing the only thing he knows how to do, that he can do: cutting expenses. This time, it’s white collar workers for one simple reason: that’s all that’s left. Bloomberg tells of the $14m per year CEO’s decision to throw his remaining management to the wolves . . .

CNN Money reports that Sen. Tom Harkin (D-IA) has pulled the “Clunker Culling” proposal from the economic stimulus plan making its way through Congress. The provision would have provided up to $4,500 in tax credits for scrapping a used vehicle with under 18 mpg and replacing it with a new car. The bill would have cost taxpayers up to $16b, according to CNN, which notes that lack of support from Republicans doomed the bill. Why? Apparently, “the provision required that the [new] vehicle be assembled in the United States.” Who knows, maybe common sense even had anything to do with it. President Obama did not take a strong position on the Clunker provision according to the Detroit News, but he is vocally backing $2b in battery development spending and a $600m purchase of fuel-efficient cars for the government fleet.

Bloomberg reports that the U.S. government has retained white-shoe NYC law firm Cadwalader, Wickersham & Taft to advise the taxpayers’ reps on GM’s restructuring and possible debtor-in-possession financing. The Dickensian-sounding law firm joins Chicago’s Sonnenschein, Nath & Rosenthal (with newly acquired structure finance experts Thacher, Proffitt & Wood) and investment bankers Rothschild (which advised Delphi and gives Buickman conspiracy conniptions) in taxpayer-financed retainer heaven. The troika’s job: get Uncle Sam’s arms around the mess President Bush created by lending money to these failing, futile companies. And here’s the [overused metaphor alert] kicker: the U.S. government failed to get an inter-creditor agreement with the existing lenders done prior to the funding. So, when it all blows up, taxpayers’ claims on Chrysler and GM’s collateral are open to “debate.”

An increasing number of media reports are indicating that instead of a single “car czar,” Obama will appoint a team to oversee the auto industry turnaround effort. Current reports indicate that Democrat fundraiser Steve Rattner will likely take the top oversight position, but his total lack of (non-political) qualifications for the job is considered an issue. Which is where Stephen Girsky comes in. “They clearly need an adviser who knows the industry,” former Chrysler president Thomas Stallkamp tells Bloomberg. “Girsky certainly knows the industry, and he was close to both GM and the union.” And though I have questioned whether Girsky’s UAW affiliations are best described in the past or present tense, this 2004 presentation (PDF) to Original Equipment Suppliers Association is decidedly prescient. Especially for 2004. And this December 2008 presentation to UAW Local 14 seems to indicate that his recent advising stint with the UAW was a mission of truth and reconciliation rather than one of conniving and obfuscation.

Automotive News [sub] reports that General Motors pulled tooling from 50 parts makers during its winter shutdown. The pullout took place after GM was awarded $13.4b in TARP bailout money in December. GM spokesman Dan Flores reveals that one such supplier was metal stamping firm SKD, but refused to reveal other names. “Based on SKD’s financial distress and uncertainty, GM had to take action to protect our business interests,” said Flores. Hello? Pot? Kettle? Anyone? Bueller? But it’s all good in the hood. Remember folks, this is 2009. The worse the news, the bigger the bailout.

Announcing the single greatest transfer of wealth in the world in the last six hours. Well, GM and Chrysler would like their United Auto Workers (UAW) employees to take your tax money and quit. That way the ailing American automakers can replace the highly-paid union workers with lower paid union workers (that would still pay the same union dues, ‘natch). And, thus, prove to someone on Capitol Hill that they’re satisfying the provision of their $17.4b “bridge” loans. To that end, GM’s offering its high wage union workers a $20k “bonus” and a $25k car voucher to piss off. Chrysler’s offering $50k and a $25k voucher. But there are all kinds of problems with this plan.

On March 31, President Obama will contemplate GM’s viability report and decide whether the ailing American automaker is, as it contends, “viable.” If so, more bailout bucks. If not, more bailout bucks, in the form of debtor-in-possession financing to the bankrupt behemoth. Either way… In the run-up to CEO Rick Wagoner’s ritual disembowelment for failing to get his company’s shit together, the press is sensing the fact that Wagoner doesn’t have this shit together. This morning, Automotive News [AN, sub] reports on GM’s continued cluelessness on the “pssst. want to buy a dead brand” front. “Just a couple of weeks before General Motors has to submit a detailed plan proving viability, GM executives have no idea what to do with their losing brands.” Yes, AN has found its inner TTAC, affirming my suspicion that the MSM is gradually turning against Detroit’s mindless mega-suckle.

GM may be avoiding death with Uncle Sugar’s $13.4b (and counting) bridge loans to nowhere. But it’s not doing so well on the tax front. The Detroit News reports that GM’s been “quietly” lobbying Uncle Sam to drop a $7b tax bill. Without success. OK, folks, hang onto your green shades. “The tax liability stems from GM’s plan to reduce its $62 billion debt to $30 billion by offering bondholders equity in exchange for existing debt. GM also wants to use stock rather than cash to fund half of its contributions to a retiree health care fund to be managed by the UAW. But the debt swapped for equity could be considered income for tax purposes and GM’s ability to offset that income with prior-year losses, a common accounting practice, is sharply limited under a complex provision of the 1986 tax code that applies when a company changes ownership. The code was written to limit the ability of companies to buy other money-losing companies just to avoid paying taxes. GM plans to issue new stock to bondholders and the UAW and has already issued the government warrants, which may trigger a ‘technical ownership change,’ GM said in its memo.” And thus, a $7b tax bill. Now, let’s define chutzpah.

Thanks to strangely prescient asset mortgaging, Ford has not yet joined Bailout Nation. Providing, of course, you discount its forthcoming share of the Department of Energy’s $25b no- to low-cost “retooling” loans (remember them?). But don’t get to thinking that FoMoCo doesn’t have its eye on the prize (federal succor). The Detroit News reports this morning that Ford’s lobbyists are hard at work in the teat suckling department. “Ford Motor Co. is calling on Washington to do more to stimulate the economy and get consumers back into its showrooms, after posting a record loss of nearly $14.6 billion for 2008 on Thursday.” Ready? “Anything that can incentivize the consumer, especially with regard to automobiles, would be great, because it’s such an important part of the economy,” CEO Alan Mulally told The Detroit News. “I know that they know how important the automotive sector is.” Cue “I’d do anything” from Oliver, substituting the word “money” for “love.” Anything? But what, exactly?

What’s the opposite of reductio ad absurdum? Whatever it is, that’s what we’re looking at, as Bailout Nation (hat tip to Daniel Howes) continues to expand. The Wall Street Journal reports that the rental car giants are putting in their bid to dine at the multi-billion dollar bailout buffet. “Avis Budget Group Inc., Hertz Global Holdings Inc. and other rental-car companies are lobbying Congress to allow them to use Troubled Asset Relief Program funds to finance new auto purchases. The House of Representatives included a clause in a TARP reform bill that it passed last week to give the government authority to back loans to rental-car companies and other fleet purchasers. The bill has now moved on to the Senate.” So rental car companies AND fleet purchasers get low-interest federal loans (a.k.a. free money)? Hey, I own two cars! Is that a fleet? Trust me: they’re deeply troubled assets. Where’s my bailout? I know! Let’s ask Barney Frank!

I’ve got a bet with TTAC’s Ken Elias. I reckon the feds will examine GM and Chrysler’s term papers (i.e., viability reports) and slam ’em. The automakers will take a real drubbing in the press. And rightly so. And then their Congressional watchdogs will sign the next round of checks. Ken figures that come March, Uncle Sam will cry basta! GM and Chrysler will be forced into both a shotgun marriage and bankruptcy. We shall see. Meanwhile there’s news out of Sweden that at least one government statsråd knows a con game when he sees one. I speak here of Jöran Hägglund, Sweden’s State Secretary to the Minister for Enterprise and Energy. “We have asked for… a more credible business plan that outlines the development over the next few years based on a scenario where sales continue to decrease and the measures needed to combat that,” Hägglund told Swedish public radio [as reported by AFP]. In play: a 28b kronor ($3.5b) auto industry bailout package. Hägglund gave GM two weeks to get its shit together.

Bailout fatigue? Not me. Every day I wake up wondering what new absurdity I’ll encounter in my quest to tell the truth about cars and those who make them. And just when I think it can’t get any more ridiculous—a Chrysler Fiat tie up, “strategic reviews” of dead brands, a back room bailout for an ex-Treasury Secretary’s new boss, viability plans spun out of thin air, product plans cut from the same cloth—it does. Here’s today’s hit of alternate reality: Chrysler wants—no, demands—that its suppliers cut their prices. WTF? Remind me again. Chrysler’s suppliers are making how much profit these days? I’m thinking… none. And how many cars can Chrysler build if its suppliers—make that one key supplier—can’t deliver parts? I’m thinking… none. Not that anyone’s buying Chrysler products, but blood from a stone? Aintgonnahappen.org.

Remember the good old days when the US was committed to free trade, and constantly complained about Japanese protectionism? Those days are long gone, as the US is now a world leader in national bailouts and it has become Japan’s turn to stand on free-trade principle. Detroit News‘s Christine Tierney reports that Japan has no interest in joining China, Germany, France, Russia and the US in subsidizing either production or consumption of vehicles. “We regard the auto industry as very independent from the government,” said Noriyuki Shikata, director of the Second North America Division at Japan’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs. “Our government hasn’t extended massive subsidies to companies. A company like Toyota has accumulated some cash and should be able to survive.”