The Time Is Right for the Chrysler 300C Hellcat

Jack Baruth
by Jack Baruth

Friends and roamin’ countrymen, lend me your ears! The Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk is on the way. It might not be in dealer order books quite yet, but it’s been spotted all over the place. As a business proposition, you can’t beat it; the first Grand Cherokee SRT-8 was a very satisfying automobile, and the current one is even better. Sure, every SRT Grand Cherokee ever built is a kind of ironic statement on the idiocy of the modern consumer, who is willing to pay extra money to get less room and worse handling as long as he can sit six inches higher than his neighbor, but adding the Hellcat engine to it makes it perfectly ironic. It’s the combination of added-then-removed off-road capability and an engine that is simply too powerful to use fully unless you are willing to go full-sociopath on your fellow motorists. Nothing could be more American, nothing could be more THE_CURRENT_YEAR. I accept the existence of the Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk and urge you to do the same.

But as long as we’re expanding the availability of what is probably the Greatest American V8 in History, shouldn’t we also take a moment to give it a home that is both appropriate and respectful of Chrysler tradition? That’s right: I’m talkin’ ’bout a 300C Hellcat.

The original Chrysler V8 was designed to a standard almost unthinkable at the time: 100,000 miles without major engine service. It was standard equipment in the 1951 New Yorker and Imperial. At the time, speed and power were considered luxury goods — buying a cheap car generally meant you were buying a slow car. The only manufacturer to buck that trend was Ford with its 1932 flathead V8, but development of that engine didn’t keep up with the times and the Chrysler Hemi made about almost 70-percent more power than the 1951 flathead Ford.

I think the toughest thing for younger automotive enthusiasts to understand about mid-20th-century motoring is that there were limits on how fast the cars could go besides the numbers on a white-and-black sign. Chuck Berry can explain it to you: cars would overheat in regular driving, they had trouble getting up steep hills or keeping their brakes cool on the way back down those hills, they didn’t like hot weather or long idle times. Having a Chrysler Hemi in the ’50s meant you could zip up the Tejon Pass in the summer while the straight-sixes all around you strained to maintain 45 miles per hour. Power was the ultimate luxury; it gave you the luxury of choice, of freedom, of speed.

Today, power is still a luxury. It means you can sit at a stoplight, looking at the two-into-one lane merge a thousand feet on the other side, and know for certain that you won’t be balked or blocked by the Toyota Avalon or BMW 328i next to you. It means that if you’re stuck behind slow traffic on a country road and you see a brief section of dotted-yellow open up ahead, you will be able to take advantage of it without worrying about becoming an impromptu hood ornament on a Kenworth. You might never use that power, but it’s nice to know that you have it.

It’s been a while since we had a Chrysler 300C SRT-8. I assume that FCA discontinued the nameplate because it was a slow seller, and that makes sense. Not too many American-car fans want to combine wood trim and 470 horsepower. But I also think it is important for Chrysler to fly the flag, so to speak, with that car. There is a certain demographic that wants a combination of power and luxury in a North-American-built automobile. They shouldn’t be forced to buy a CTS-V, which is very nice and quite rapid but which unfortunately has about all the swagger of Michael Cera in Superbad.

It’s also possible that Chrysler personnel felt that the 300C SRT-8 was a little underpowered compared to the aforementioned V-car and the overseas competition. It’s true that the Hemi-powered 300C never scorched the pavement the way that, say, an E63 AMG did. But the answer to that difficulty is very much at hand, and the answer is HELLCAT.

A Hellcat-powered 300C would likely run the quarter-mile in 11.5 seconds, fast enough to see off nearly any sedan that money can buy. It would require some unique engineering to the Chrysler’s front fascia to handle the cooling needs, but I think such a thing could be done in attractive fashion. It might not quite match its Charger counterpart for top speed; the Kamm tail of the 300C probably hurts it a bit in that regard. But it would probably reach 200 mph regardless.

I’ll tell you how I would do it. I’d make a big deal of dyno-testing the Hellcat engines as they come off the line in Hermosillo — they do it anyway — and I’d make an even bigger deal of the fact that the most powerful Hellcat engines are assigned to duty in the 300C. That’s the kind of inside-baseball stuff that car junkies love, and it’s how legends are made.

I wouldn’t put a single piece of carbon fiber in the 300C Hellcat. It would be all burl wood and polished aluminum. If you want boy-racer stuff, buy a Dodge. This is American luxury, my friend. And I’d do a new Hellcat logo. Something in crystal and silver, maybe. I’d put five hundred bucks into a hand-made inlaid shift knob or some other piece of interior jewelry. The message is this: nothing’s faster, nothing’s more luxurious, and we are unashamed about this.

Price? $79,999 would be a good place to start. That’s a fourteen-grand bump over the Charger Hellcat. It should be reflected in the materials you touch inside the car. Maybe it would lose money, maybe it would sit on the showroom floors until the Sweet Meteor O’Death strikes us — but it would be a statement. And people will respond to a statement of intent, of purpose, of steadfast belief. If you don’t agree, then ask Mark Antony.

Jack Baruth
Jack Baruth

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  • Troggie42 Troggie42 on Oct 18, 2016

    As someone who has no love lost towards Chrysler... I would rock the HELL out of a 300C Hellcat. I have no real desire for a Charger or Challenger, but a 300C? Absolutely. Pull some of the old John Varvatos edition trim pieces from the parts bin, I'm sure some of em are laying around. Sure I can't actually AFFORD one right now, but I'm sure there are some subprime lenders out there that could help me out with that. After all, isn't that the American Dream these days anyway? Take out unsustainable loans so you can own cool shit? ;) I say put the Hellcat engine in EVERYTHING. Final edition Dart? Hellcat. 200? Hellcat. Chrysler Town and Country? Hellcat. Everything badged as a Ram? OF COURSE! I mean why not? If Chrysler is as bad off as everyone seems to think, then just go out with the largest bang possible accompanied by insane burnouts.

  • Stanczyk Stanczyk on Oct 18, 2016

    They should "Hellcat" Grand Cheerokee, RAM pickup .. and Viper(750bhp "Hellcat+" would save Viper's-ass) as well.. ... BTW> Both Challanger(too old and boring..) and Charger(blunt design after rebirth..) need re-fresh and redesign..

  • Joe This is called a man in the middle attack and has been around for years. You can fall for this in a Starbucks as easily as when you’re charging your car. Nothing new here…
  • AZFelix Hilux technical, preferably with a swivel mount.
  • ToolGuy This is the kind of thing you get when you give people faster internet.
  • ToolGuy North America is already the greatest country on the planet, and I have learned to be careful about what I wish for in terms of making changes. I mean, if Greenland wants to buy JDM vehicles, isn't that for the Danes to decide?
  • ToolGuy Once again my home did not catch on fire and my fire extinguisher(s) stayed in the closet, unused. I guess I threw my money away on fire extinguishers.(And by fire extinguishers I mean nuclear missiles.)
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