Hey, remember when Porsche introduced the 959? Wasn’t that awesome? Yes, it was. It was awesome.
Remember when they brought out some wack-ass sedan at the same time that looked like a radiation-deformed Cold-War-era Tatra and made sure that they saturation-bombed the media with advertisements designed to make sure that every McMansion Mommy promptly earned a subsidized lease of one by agreeing to wear “something special” on the next few Monday nights? And remember when they decided not to make the 944 Turbo so they could focus on making that sedan?
No, because that didn’t happen.
This is 2012, however, and the Massive Marketing Machine That Is Porsche both giveth to, and taketh away from, the joys of its long-suffering enthusiast base.
Let’s start with the good part.
K.C. Crain’s Only Chance To Avoid Poverty As An Adult Automotive News reports that Porsche is “considering whether to build Project 960, a Ferrari-fighting, two-seat, mid-engine coupe with a V8 biturbo and more than 600hp.” That would be really cool, guys. And it’s a nice gesture towards all of your high-net-worth customers, who are no doubt feeling a little bit annoyed that their 918 Spyders will contain more batteries and DC motors than Jenna Jameson’s licensed-product lineup.
Okay, good part’s over. Now it’s time for the bad part. “Also in discussion is a smaller version of the Panamera sedan, known internally as the Pajun.” Yes, by all means, let’s get Porsche in the 3-Series market. And the 1-Series market. They definitely need to be a full-line manufacturer. “Under its Strategy 2018 plan Porsche aims to sell 200,000 cars a year by 2018.” Hey, that’s one piece of disposable, plastic-water-pumper crap each year for, like, almost every air-cooled 911 that was ever made!
Finally, we come to the ugly part.
But Project 551, a small roadster, has been postponed. Its debut was envisioned for 2014. “It may take another generation of customers before a small roadster fits in with Porsche,” CEO Matthias Mueller said.
Well, sure, because
a pig-assed SUV fits in with Porsche, and a smaller pig-assed SUV fits in with Porsche, and a humpbacked deformed crapwagon of a 2002-era-interior technology 7-Series fits in with Porsche, and a 5-Series version of that fits in with Porsche, but AN AFFORDABLE SPORTING ROADSTER FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO DRIVE AND WANT TO ENJOY SOMETHING VAGUELY RESEMBLING THE CARS YOUR COMPANY BUILT FOR THE FIRST FIFTY YEARS OF ITS GOD-DAMNED EXISTENCE COULD NEEEEVVVVVVAAAAARRR FIT IN WITH YOUR LICENSED CHINESE-MADE POLO SHIRT IMAGE COMPLETE WITH 200,000 CARS A YEAR THAT YOU ARE SLOUCHING TOWARDS LIKE A HELL-SPAWNED DEMON DETERMINED TO PERFORM THE “TEAM AMERICA” SEX SCENE WITH THE CORPSE OF FERRY PORSCHE IMAGE
I am going to throw up, I really am. I need something to stop this rising gorge of indignant vomit.
I uploaded that at 5MB size so you can expand it and really clean out your mind for a moment, if you need it. I would make some nasty comment about Porsche trying to become General Motors, but let’s face it: at least GM built the Solstice.