GM Hires 78 Year-Old Man To Debut New Youth-Oriented Buick Regal GS
General Motors has contracted with a 78-year old man to debut a new Buick model meant to reorient the brand away from 80 year old buyers.
Robert A. Lutz, a Korean war veteran, helped himself up to the stage to announce the new Buick. Shown beside him in classic Buick white, Lutz said it would “be the final nail in the coffin for the old Buick brand image.” The new Regal GS is equipped with new-era technology, such as power seats, locks, and windows, as well as a full-sized trunk.
Another General Motors spokesman, Harold Braudel, told media members: “This new Regal is a classic American sedan. It marries European engineering with European design, all brought together by European manufacture.
Mr. Lutz had already teamed up with General Motors for work in the past; the octogenarian charmingly brought his Cadillac sedan to a track contest some months ago.
“Our goal is to show how youthful Buick has become. We’re shattering perceptions, and also hips,” Braudel concluded.
Chrysler to Debut Chrysler-Badged Lancia Delta in Detroit, Estimates 100,000 Pre-Orders Will be Placed in January
Chrysler will debut a new luxury hatchback based on the European Lancia Delta at the Detroit Auto Show, in Detroit, Michigan early next week.
The hatchback, thought to be called the Chrysler ‘In Memory of 9/11’ (Patriot, Liberty, and Freedom-Edition are already in use in the Chrysler/Dodge/Jeep family), is said to feature a Chrysler nose grafted onto the Lancia Delta body.
“Since I can’t design a new Chrysler 300 every week, we’re going with a tried and true strategy: import and rebadge a car from overseas, said Chrysler VP of Design Ralph Gilles. “Think about how profitable and successful this has been in the past.”
When asked for examples of this strategy’s success historically, Gilles responded “The past 30 years are littered with examples of high-selling, much-loved, profitable captive imports. Just think: the Merkur XR4Ti, Merkur Scorpio, Sterling 825, Saturn Astra, Ford Contour, Pontiac G8, Pontiac GTO, AMC Alliance, Eagle Medallion, Eagle Premier, Dodge Monaco, Buick Opel by Isuzu, Australian Mercury Capri, Acura SLX, Saab 9-7X, Saab 9-2X, Chrysler Crossfire, and Cadillac Catera.”
Jalopnik to Restructure: Every Post Title Now to Include The Word “Hoon”
In a lengthy manifesto published yesterday on Jalopnik.com, Editor-in-Chief Ray Wert announced that the site would reevaluate its content and direction due to severe underusage of the word “hoon.”
“I know it’s important to you. Each and every one of you commenters with a star, and even the pathetic losers without a star, that we put hoon in every post title and as many sentences as possible. I’ve slacked off on modifying my own use of the word hoon, with alternatives like hoonage, hoonery, and hoonpees simplex b,” Wert said in the post.
Sources within the Jalopnik headquarters say that staff have already stepped up their hoon-use. “Just this morning, I asked someone to beer me a hoon, and they knew what I was talking about,” said a staffer. “If you don’t watch The Office or read Jalopnik, you might not get it. But that’s what is at the core of our Jalopnik brand: inside jokes.”
After posting the manifesto, Jalopnik promised to shift valuable resources away from covering Transformers 3 and into coverage of the upcoming A-Team movie.
A random dick guy with a high performance Audi S6 and the custom lincense plate “TRNSPRTA” claims he has never seen the movie Transporter 2, sources say.
“I’m friends with the guy who owns the car. He’s a dick, really. AND he says the idea to put the TRNSPRTA license plate on just came to him, that it’s not from the movie. Whatever!” said one gas station attendant familiar with the dick.
The Transporter 2 action film starred Jason Statham, finding work as a nanny between jobs as a professional criminal chauffer. Statham drove an Audi A8 with a 12-cylinder engine and an automatic transmission, an alternative to the random dick’s Audi S6 for people who aren’t so poor.
Experts, however, say that the “TRNSPRTA” license plate is too much of a giveaway. “If this random dick was in fact a professional driver for bank robbers, it’s unlikely he’d have a vanity plate that says TRNSPRTA” said Michael Cohen, a professor of Criminology at the University of Phoenix Online.
F1 CEO Bernie Ecclestone: “I’d Buy Saab if Only Those Jew Bankers Would Give Me Funding”
Bernie Ecclestone, the CEO of Formula One racing, has put in a last minute bid to buy Saab. “Doctors tell me that with the declining popularity of F1 racing, buying a car company may be the only way to save my ego from starvation.”
Unfortunately, the road block for Ecclestone will be securing enough funding for the transaction. “If the Jew bankers would loan me money, I might be able to put the deal through without any more delays. If Hitler was at the negotiating table, we’d have signed all the documents already and I’d be surveying Trollhatten,” Ecclestone told reporters.
Ecclestone previously cited his respect for Hitler’s productivity. In response to criticism for those comments from Jewish civil organizations, Ecclestone recently told the Associated Press “It’s a pity they didn’t sort the banks out. They have a lot of influence everywhere.”
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