By on March 20, 2010

Palin To Toyota: Just Resign From Making Cars

Former Alaska Governer Sarah Palin has a message for Toyota: “The best thing they can do at this point is resign from manufacturing cars,” she said in a statement posted on her refrigerator. These statements were later echoed in a speech.

“If there’s anything I’ve learned,” Palin told a crowd of supporters outside Phil’s House of Taxidermy in Bozeman, Montana, “It’s that you should always quit to focus on your family and serving people better.”

When asked how this might apply to Toyota’s situation, Palin responded “Toyota and me have a lot in common. We both have mentally challenged offspring. If I were them, golly I’d quit making cars because the establishment is too much of a mess. But they can tell supporters that they will continue to fight the good fight of making cars.”

Toyota has been plagued by quality scandals over the past several months, marked with congressional hearing and a tremendous recall. This past week several Priuses became self aware and tried to commit suicide, taking attempting to take their drivers with them.

Corvette Owner Tragically Strokes, Dies After Onlooker Sneezes on His Car

Key Biscayne, Florida orthodontist Henry Schmidlap passed away following an incident last Saturday at the annual Key Biscayne Corvette Roundup.  Schmidlap, 56, suffered a fatal stroke after an on-looker sneezed on the highly-accessorized 2008 Corvette coupe he was displaying in the “My Car is More Special Than Yours” category.

“People who have never owned a Corvette just don’t understand it,” explained fellow exhibitor Mark Murphy.  “Chevrolet only built  27,000 Corvettes in 2008. Of those, there may be only 25,000 left on the road.  It’s our duty as Corvette owners to make sure these rare cars remain untouched and undriven, so that future generations can see just how special they are. What that person did was inexcusable.”

The on-looker, whose name has been withheld, is facing a wrongful death civil suit brought by the Key Biscayne Corvette Owners Society.  The lawsuit states he brought about Schmidlap’s untimely death by desecrating a religious object, thus subjecting Schmidlap to undue stress and mental anguish, leading to his fatal stroke.

Tabloid Magazine: “Touareg’s Dramatic Weight Loss: Too Dangerous To Live?”

A supermarket tabloid magazine is taking a break from stories about the Bachelor to report on a disturbing change for Volkswagen. “Touareg Weight Loss: Super Sexy or Dangerous Behavior” hits newsstands this week.

Volkswagen’s previous Touareg SUV was considered morbidly obese by many and had become the subject of some lampooning within the industry. “You know how it is in LA. If you’re a real car guy you want the youngest freshest [Toyota] Starlet you can find. Not some bulgy thick frau from Germany whose name you can’t pronounce,” says a gal pal of the Touareg.

The updated Touareg, being launched this week, is some 400 lbs lighter now than it was. Its diet was expensive and required exotic weight-loss techiniques, but they seem to have avoided losing weight by cutting vowels from the Touareg’s name.

According to Dr. Brent Spiner of the Ft. Lauderdale Rapid Weight Loss Real Basement Hospital, “Look, 400 lbs of weight loss sounds like a lot. Normally that’s potentially dangerous if done rapidly. But here, the Touareg is still such an obese whale that it won’t make a difference.”

“I think it’s pretty HOTT now, especially since that junk in the trunk ass is gone. I’d totally rock that shit,” said a CarsRulez blog commenter.

Upon hearing the good news, VW announced that it would be raising Touareg prices 15%.

Acura Issues Apology Statement For “Royally F*cking Up” Every Good Car It Has Made

Acura issued a statement this morning expressing contrition for “royally fucking up every good car” it has made over the past twenty-five years.

“From the Legend to the Integra to the TSX, we’ve really enjoying building up an enthusiast following and then smothering it like an unloved puppy,” Acura CEO Howard Emmerlich said in the statement. “But now it’s time to move on.”

Emmerlich continued “From this point forward, we won’t build anything people like in the first place. Acura is now about appeasing soccer moms with our MDX minivan. I learned a long time ago that the best way to avoid disappointment is to not be impressive to begin with.”

Also in the statement, Acura confirmed that starting in Q2 2010, it will be circulating false rumors about developing a V8 “just to get the Acura name out in the news a bit and maybe  milk goodwill from the NSX.”

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17 Comments on “The MetaCars Week In Review...”


  • avatar
    crash sled

    You should be ashamed of yourself… posting something so irreverent on a serious site such as TTAC.

    .

    .

    Can I have a link? ;-)

    • 0 avatar
      Stingray

      Hell YEAH!!!!

      Google metacars review and you’ll find it. I think it’s metacars.com but not sure since I’m at home now and the link is in the office’s PC.

      Very fun. I already read all what is posted in this page. Don’t miss the piece on the rich Aston Martin owner. I linked it in another TTAC post.

      You’ll also find nice stuff at Hooniverse. If you like beaters… the clunkbucket or something like that.

      For fun and WIN factors Metacars > Jalopnik

  • avatar
    Rick T.

    If you wanted to put a political spin on the Toyota situation, it would have been much easier (and funnier) to mine the Kennedy family. Take your pick – Teddy, Patrick, or Joseph II. Bonus: you’d even have Rosemary for your retarded quip!

  • avatar
    ott

    Pretty low blow on the Palin offspring, I think…

    But the Float-Away Prius? Absolute gold!

  • avatar
    Daanii2

    Hey, wait a minute. I’ve got an Acura MDX. I like that car. And I’m no minivan-driving soccer mom. Take that back, or step outside and settle this like a man.

  • avatar

    For some reason when liberals make funny, it’s not anymore. Just ask Keith Olbermann. When Bush left the office, he robbed them of funny. Honestly, I hoped it was just Keith though. And maybe a couple of others. But now I see that it’s all of them.

  • avatar
    Dynamic88

    Loved the Corvette piece.

  • avatar
    wsn

    Acura is finally learning from GM.

  • avatar
    reclusive_in_nature

    Hate to reveal my inner dork this way, but isn’t Brent Spiner the guy who portrayed Data (coolest Star Trek character ever)?

  • avatar
    TexasAg03

    First, this just wasn’t funny (if that was the intention). Second, I’ve been chastised a few times for bringing unrelated politics into discussions on here, so it’s a bit of a double-standard to do so in a post. Third, the stab at Palin’s baby is very low. Personally, I grew out of “retard” jokes in the sixth or seventh grade.

    Besides, if you want to make fun of someone in politics who is goofy and doesn’t know what’s going on, try “57 states” Obama.

  • avatar
    Mungooz

    Thanks for the laughs. That Don Asmussen guy may be close to being the funniest person on earth. And, yes, anything that makes fun of that Palin idiot is just fine with me. Gracias.

  • avatar
    TexasAg03

    Mungooz,

    Just curious – does something that makes fun of Palin need to be funny or can it be completely unfunny, like the Family Guy episode, and still be okay with you?

    Personally, I thought comedy was supposed to be funny and grounded, at least to some extent, in reality and no be unnecessarily mean spirited (like going after someone’s kids, especially the disabled ones). Of course, some people’s reality is not the same as actual reality. I know quite a few people who still think that Sarah Palin actually said she can see Russia from her own house.

    • 0 avatar
      Mungooz

      Did not see the “Family Guy” episode so I don’t know if it was completely unfunny or just partially so. The “we both have mentally challenged children” line was grimace inducing but still funny as it reflects on Toyota founder’s son Toyoda, not so much a baby with Down’s Syndrome. But the pseudo-quotes from Palin are exactly as fractured and mindless as her real mutterings in places such as taxidermy shops in Bozeman, Mt. Maybe if she would stop toting her baby around “like a football” to her public appearances there would be fewer poor taste references to that sweet little baby. But other than the one unfortunate reference, this guy’s stuff was hilarious.

    • 0 avatar
      Daanii2

      I’m also tired of people picking on Palin. I don’t like Palin’s politics, but she has accomplished a lot and deserves more than public lambasting for it.

      Same thing for Nancy Pelosi. While Palin is no Rhodes Scholar, neither is Pelosi. And she’s terrible in front of the cameras. If you ever see the Larry King interview where she became confused about gas prices, you’ll know what I mean. But she’s a skilled politician, and the first woman to be Speaker of the House. That’s admirable.

      I hate Pelosi’s politics even worse than Palin’s, but I still think both should be treated with respect.

    • 0 avatar
      TexasAg03

      If she didn’t take her kids with her, she’d be accused of being a bad or lazy mother pawning them off on a nanny, so she can’t win there. Even so, politicians taking their kids on the trail with them is not a new thing and I still say the kids should be off limits.

      This wouldn’t be happening if Palin were a Democrat. However, since she’s a Conservative Republican, her kids are fair game. Of course, she caught grief for even keeping Trig in the first place, so that tells you the mentality of some Liberals.

  • avatar
    TexasAg03

    Mungooz,

    Her mutterings are no more “fractured and mindless” than those of “57 states” Obama.

    Daanii2,

    I don’t mind the jabs at Palin – she’s an adult and, as demonstrated, can handle herself. I just think that many of the jabs are not based in reality. They’re not based on positions she actually holds or things she actually says. They’re based on what some SAY she believes and says.


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