By on January 29, 2016

2015-chevrolet-suburban-texas-edition-badge

Last week I offered you, the man or woman in the street, a chance to own a “TEXAS EDITION” badge at my expense. I asked you to tell me what you’d do with such a badge. After an exhaustive selection process consisting of me having a couple shots of Ketel One Citroen and picking shit at random, I’ve come up with the “winners.” I’ll be contacting each one of you via email in the next week. If the email address associated with your username is no longer valid, now would be a good time to update it or to contact us via the various links to the right of this page.

I’d like to thank all of you who came up with ideas. Unfortunately for you, some of those ideas sucked and frankly I’m insulted that you’d even think that I’d give you a $2.87 badge for something as stupid as that. You must think I’m rich enough not to care just because I own four PRS Private Stock guitars and a bunch of motorcycles and rare books and stuff, when in fact those are the very reasons that I am not rich enough to not care.

Enough about the losers. As they say, winners aren’t losers. So let’s get to the winners.

In order of their responses to the original post, our winners are …

… cue “We Are The Champions” …

vtnoah, for his C-Max plug-in. It’s time your candy-ass battery-powered vibrator of a mini-minivan got some Texas swagger.

FuzzyPlushroom, for his Amherst College 240 wagon. Actually, all you Volvo guys deserve one. If I can get a few more, I’ll reach out to the rest of you.

cwallace for his Bajaj motorcycle. Nothing says “TEXAS” like an adult on a motorcycle with the same power as my six-year-old son’s TTR-90 dirt bike.

Wardotron for his RenaultSport Clio 200. Texans never surrender, which is a lesson the French would do well to learn before they wind up handing their country to the Syrians and Algerians the way they surrendered it to my relative, General Nehring, in 1941.

Speaking of Germany, leshnah says he’ll stick it on a Firebird that’s currently prowling around the former DDR. Sir, you have your mission.

Big Al from Oz says he’ll put one on his Thai-built pickup. I’m sending it to him because, face it, you all want some evidence that he’s a real person and not a troll persona developed by a very bored Millennial.

jansob is going to put it on his Subaru R2. Obviously.

Feds gets one for his Delica. Not two. Just one. This isn’t Canada, where every mook with a lifted Mitsubishi minivan gets two of everything because Justin Trudeau is too busy having his nails done to learn Economics 101. Well, strictly speaking, TTAC is owned by a Canadian corporation and edited by a Canadian. But I’m not Canadian. I’m a two-fisted, red-blooded American from Germany, from whence all real Americans come. So just one, Feds.

[Also, this editor lived in Texas, so there’s that. —Mark]

Stugots says he’ll put it on his genital area. I’m sending him one in the name of fairness so I can’t be accused of sexism. He’s my diversity hire.

dominican gets one for his NC700X, providing he puts it on his girlfriend’s bare bottom first and sends me the photo for my own archives.

Josh_Howard has a 450ZX that is just begging for something like this.

FordMan_48126 is going to TEXAS-size his wife’s Q5. He didn’t have to say that the Q5 belonged to his wife. Has any man ever bought a Q5?

Nick 2012 deserves one for his Insight. I’ll give you some Insight: a “hybrid” that only stops the engine at stoplights sucks.

madman2k is our first Prius victim.

Nostrathomas will have the first TEXAS edition Porsche 964. Everything’s bigger in Texas, except the head gaskets on an early 964!

LeBaronTurbo, for obvious reasons.

Jeff Weimer, if he really has a Figaro. Or if he’s willing to vandalize someone else’s Figaro.

majo8, because the Chrysler Imperial is the finest luxury coupe in history.

cretinx hopes the “TEXAS EDITION” badge will gain favor with the next redneck to tow his Esprit Twin Turbo.

And the very last of the twenty badges I bought will go to masterofnone, who promises a Mexican company car and a bare-chested wife.

Honestly, I wish I’d bought forty badges instead of twenty, because there were more good ideas than I had badges, by far. In a perfect world, I’d have a badge for every one of our valued readers. But in a perfect world, I’d still be in the dope game, earning mid-six figures, sleeping till noon every day, and ordering a new bright-green S5 every twelve months, instead of shucking-and-jiving on a car website for a bunch of people who would be reading the Reddit scat-fetish page right now instead if their job at the putty division just north of Odessa didn’t block all that stuff at the firewall.

Alright, I’m glad we had this talk. Check your email soon, lucky winners!

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46 Comments on “Here Are the ‘Winners’ of the ‘TEXAS EDITION’ Badges...”


  • avatar
    Stumpaster

    Hurray for the Volvo 240 crowd!

  • avatar
    Coopdeville

    “some of those ideas sucked and frankly I’m insulted that you’d even think that I’d give you a $2.87 badge for something as stupid as that.”

    I’m taking this as my honorary mention and will allow myself to feel proud that Jack took the time to mention me in the article.

    Also, we all demand proof of masterofnone’s photo entry.

  • avatar
    28-Cars-Later

    Congratulations to all.

  • avatar
    CJinSD

    “But in a perfect world, I’d still be in the dope game, earning mid-six figures, sleeping till noon every day, and ordering a new bright-green S5 every twelve months,” said Jack. Wouldn’t Jack have been better off with a less conspicuous automobile while engaging in the dope game?

    • 0 avatar
      Jack Baruth

      You can’t pimp without a limp, mane.

    • 0 avatar
      Coopdeville

      The answer is yes, unless of course Jack wants to become infamously known and tried for said pimpage. Anyone who ever saw this whip rollin’ around the ‘Nati and thought “there’s no way that wasn’t bought with drug money” was absolutely right.

      http://www.journal-news.com/news/news/in-the-market-for-an-incredible-hulk-vehicle/nS2T4/

    • 0 avatar
      racer-esq.

      Doctors don’t care what the pharma rep drives as long as the pharma rep brings their lunch on time and doesn’t take their parking space.

  • avatar
    Drzhivago138

    Wait, are we talking Chrysler Imperial, or just Imperial? There’s a difference.

    • 0 avatar
      PrincipalDan

      Imperial by Chrysler? :-P

      • 0 avatar
        28-Cars-Later

        I don’t recall seeing a volunteer, but these would have looked nice on an Allante, Reatta, or Cimmaron by Cadillac.

      • 0 avatar
        FreedMike

        At one point Imperial was its own “divison” so it was just Imperial and they were at least somewhat mechanically distinct from Chryslers. I think they did away with that sometime in the 1960s. By the 1970s they were gussied up Chryslers and then there was that one based on the Cordoba…which I’d actually have a soft spot for, if any actually survived.

        • 0 avatar
          Xeranar

          Started in the late 1950s, ended by 1963/4 when they planed off the fins for weird cigar lights (I mean, they literally cut the fins off after it was made to install these.)

          The ‘real’ imperials were on par with Lincoln Continentals and the suicide door Kennedy era cars. Those car scream for those badges and obnoxious long horns on the front.

          • 0 avatar
            Drzhivago138

            From ’55-74, and again in ’81-83, Imperial was its own brand (although by ’74 the Imperial was a Chrysler with a different front clip). Only before ’55 and in 1990-93 (as the top-shelf version of the Fifth Avenue) is it correct to call it “Chrysler Imperial.”

    • 0 avatar
      majo8

      It’s my 81 Imperial. I think it was sold as a Chrysler, but not positive. I’ll be racing in it Lemons. I plan on retaining the power seat mechanism for the racing seat, because a car as classy as the Imperial deserves nothing less.

  • avatar
    kmars2009

    “Texas Edition” really? Would not touch one, no matter what it was on. The badge is a desperate measure to imply ruggedness. Not simply going on the merit of the vehicle itself. So all derogatory, and of the wall comments apply.
    As far as the Chrysler Imperial coupe goes. It was stylish for it’s time, and a little pricey. Because it was only offered as a coupe, it flopped. Plus, the EFI had issues, from what I have read. They are, however, collector cars now. Especially the ’82 FS Edition, and any of the 1983’s…to which, only a little over 1400 were made. (I was a kid when they were made.)
    I always wanted one as a collector, but the EFI issue is a deal breaker.
    PS. A 1981 New Yorker Fifth Ave, with frameless doors, covered headlights, and stainless steel roof is just as rare. The last of the old Chrysler.

  • avatar
    Vulpine

    What? No comments about Big Al from OZ yet? He has such an (anti) fan following!

  • avatar
    leshnah

    I shall eagerly wait for die Deutsche Post to deliver the badge and fulfill with my heroic duty!

  • avatar
    RHD

    My suggestion, which I did not submit, would be to plaster one of these labels on an electric fatty cart at the local Walmart.
    My dentist recently added an extra wide (almost double sized!) chair in the waiting area for those patients who can’t lay off the corn syrup in the Big Gulps, and don’t fit in a normal chair. A chrome “Texas Edition” badge on the back of that chair would be a subtle hint to stop at two when visiting Cinnabon.

    • 0 avatar
      05lgt

      If only someone had offered to stick one to a menu board at a Cinnabon. Or beside some monster supersized option on a drive through menu board at JB’s favorite Wendy’s.

  • avatar
    Whatnext

    TTAC is owned by a Canadian corporation, that explains its awesomeness! WRT to teh Delica, yeah, you trip over them up here. It strikes me as weird that Mitsu doesn’t seem to recognize its following and develop a North American version. God knows they’re a niche player anyway, might as well exploit one you’ve already got cred in.

  • avatar
    tresmonos

    Christ on a bike, this is gold

  • avatar
    Nick 2012

    The insight ‘sucks’?!?! I posit it is exactly like a BMW i8 in all respects, except 500 lbs lighter, turbo-lag free, and more aerodynamic. And the start/stop system on the gen 1s is way better than the POS Malibu Eco I had as a rental a few weeks back, though that’s a bit like saying clipping your fingernails is nicer than ripping them out with pliers.

    I’m in the process of dumping my 6MT Accord to replace it with something hemi-powered, so the Texas Editon Insight will blend in.

    Daily driving an oddball like the Insight and a new Charger probably is a sign of an underlying mental illness.

    Edit: and thank you for the badge. I will send proof.

  • avatar
    Big Al from Oz

    Thanks Jack.

    I don’t think I’ll have the first photo to make it to TTAC as it takes 10 days for Air Mail post to move in either direction.

    Oh, a bored fncking millenial! Fnck me dead! I can be retired (not retarded) since Dec 2015 at 55. Almost the same as the Greeks.

    Another thing, I thought all Germans had blonde hair and blue eyes???

  • avatar
    madman2k

    Woohoo! I look forward to it. Let me know when you want my address.

    My coworkers call my Prius the Commie Train, now it’s gonna be the Commie Train, Texas Edition.

  • avatar
    Feds

    Well, confession time: Sometime in October the van started acting like it had a blown head gasket. I finally got the head of last week and found that the ceramic insert had blown up on #3 and munched the head.

    I’ve spent the last week looking at Suburbans, Navigator L’s and even Sequoias. I was flat out ready to give up on the old girl, but after winning this $0.99 badge, I’ve been inspired to dive back in, spend the $1500 on a head and associated parts, and get the thing back on the road.

    Thanks Jack.

    • 0 avatar
      never_follow

      If you’re willing to pay RHD insurance in worst case Ontario, you’re already outside of the ordinary. This is just the logical conclusion of that madness.

  • avatar

    GEneral Nehring

    http://www.historyofwar.org/articles/people_nehring_walther.html

    How distantly are you related, Jack?

  • avatar
    SWA737

    You should have a proper, Texas sized Awards Banquet.

    Fly the lucky winners to the capital city of Texas, (in THIS of course)

    http://www.airliners.net/photo/Southwest-Airlines/Boeing-737-3H4/2658678/L/&sid=6e0acea478f562986d01ef0ea66563b4

    Then line ’em all up at Franklin BBQ for a proper TX meal. If such a thing is possible, Franklin became even more awesome when they recently refused to let Kenny West cut to the front of the line.

    http://franklinbarbecue.com/

    It don’t git no more Texan ‘an that, son. At least not when there’s a bunch of Canadians watching.

    • 0 avatar
      Nick 2012

      Franklin BBQ sounds unreal. I’ve been trying to create at least some of his brisket magic on my big green egg but it just doesn’t come out properly

      • 0 avatar
        SWA737

        BGE’s are wonderful, but you would have to be an initiated member of the Double Secret Magic Sect of the Dead Cow to replicate Aaron Franklin’s results.

        Austin has a great food and live music scene, well worth the trip if you ever get the chance.

    • 0 avatar
      Big Al from Oz

      How about a Texan Banquet, Jack.

      Make it in April, I’ll be over that way in the South.

      Make sure there is plenty of beer, so I can become obnoxious.

  • avatar

    Congrats to all the winners. Probably sort of like getting an Ig Nobel.

  • avatar
    slance66

    I guess I should have offered to put it on my wife’s RX350 (as with the Q5, I probably didn’t need to clarify) right next to her Stig helmet sticker.

  • avatar
    Acd

    Maybe I’ll go ahead and buy my own (three per car–both sides and one for the rear) for each of my cars and have a whole collection of rare Texas Editions. Imagine how much more my 1996 Mercedes SL320 TEXAS EDITION will be worth than any other run of the mill SL’s when I list it on Craigslist!

  • avatar
    Carilloskis

    “Big Al from Oz says he’ll put one on his Thai-built pickup. I’m sending it to him because, face it, you all want some evidence that he’s a real person and not a troll persona developed by a very bored Millennial.”

    This made me fall out of my chair laughing.

  • avatar
    Jeff Weimer

    No, I don’t own a Figaro, or even know anyone who does. I just thought that would be the most jarring-ridiculous car to put that badge on. I mean, JDM Kei-class cabriolet sold only in pastel colors named for a character in Italian opera? What’s not to love?

    It might look almost ridiculous on my Chevy Cruze Eco, though.

    So if you have another more worthy recipient, go ahead and send it to them, Jack.

  • avatar
    ekaftan

    A Bajaj motorcycle in the US? nice! I though they did not reach the states…

    I raced all 2015 a modified Bajaj Pulsar 180 that I had upgraded to 200cc (with another’s bike piston and cylinder). Yes.. slow… but all the bikes around me were as slow. Class was ‘under 203cc and 2 valves only’ so nobody was that fast :)

    This year I sold that and bought a Bajaj Pulsar 200NS… watercooled 4 valve baby :) Up a class also.

  • avatar

    I have not received my email.

    [email protected]

  • avatar
    masterofnone

    Jack, How to I get a hold of you for this? I haven’t seen an email yet. Too busy partying and playing guitars while chasing attractive and interesting women? That would be a really good excuse BTW……


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