Hammer Time: The Parent's Car

Some families consider arguments to be ‘discussions’. Mine was definitely among them. As the youngest of four brothers it was a hassle for me to even get a word in at the dinner table. Everyone had an opinion… and damn it, they were all wrong! Especially when it came to cars.

My Dad wanted to replace his 1987 Lincoln Continental which back then had reached the ‘100k trade-in’ point. I told him that the car had plenty of life left. But the more I talked, the more I realized that no form of reason would ever penetrate his viewpoint.

“Dad, you can drive that Lincoln for another 100k miles. Heck you don’t even go past 2000 rpm’s when you’re driving that thing.”

Which was true. I don’t think any of my father’s cars ever saw a hard rev in their lifetime. My mom was even worse. We used to have a long line of cars behind us whenever my mom would pick me up from school. I used to walk home the three miles just to avoid the embarrassment of it all.

The answer I always got back from my father was some temperamental variation of , “You don’t know what you’re TALKING ABOUT!” My Dad’s voice was like the sound of thunder. Thick German thunder, with a lightning crack at the very end. The type of voice that naturally sparks fear into other people, not to mention nearly every girlfriend I ever brought home. That Lincoln, like the late President would soon be history in our household

Three cars were in the running. The 1992 Cadillac Deville. The 1992 Lincoln Mark VII which was in it’s last year of production. And finally, a 1992 Lexus LS400. Today we know that the Lexus would naturally be the number one choice. But back then it wasn’t so cut and dry.

My father always loved Cadillacs. Even if they were as unstable as Bernie Goetz at an NAACP Convention. The Cadillac represented everything grand with America. Tons of seating. Plenty of power. The absolute pinnacle of American luxury. At least that’s what the commercials implied.

Thankfully he test drove the Cadillac Deville and quickly concluded that it was ‘The worst piece of drek I ever drove.’ When the salesperson asked him, “What would it take for you to drive this baby home?” My father just said, “Sure” Shook the guys hand and left. To this day I use that same exact response whenever I’m given a slightly offensive question. It beats wasting time.

The Lexus was a different story. It took a near act of God to get him to come to the Lexus dealership. Mom had an Acura Legend and to him that thing rode as hard as a wooden horse.However, I showed him a write-up in some car magazine (maybe Car & Driver) that mentioned it rode better than an S-Class. He knew that not even the Continental could compare with the King of Benzes. So he gave it a go.

When we went to the dealership he was absolutely agape at the quality. The seats were wonderful. The interior trim was light years beyond the cartoon blue vinyl and wooden stickers that were on the door panels and dashboard of the Continental. “It’s a good car… but I’m not going to spend more than $25,000. No car is worth more than $25,000.” Although I had images of Ferarris and Lamborghinis in my mind right after he uttered those words, I knew better than to argue.

Finally we saw the Lincoln Mark VII. Damn I hated Lincolns back then. The Mark VII was in it’s final year of production and no one except the dead and dying were looking at it. Why would they? The design was squarish at a time when nearly everything with two doors had an oval profile. The interior parts were nearly as rickety and cheap as the Fox body Mustang that it was based on.

It sucked in every way. Gas. Driving pleasure. Overt use of cheap plastics and chrome. To me it was a Kmart special on wheels. But then I got in one for the first time.

The seats were surprisingly comfortable with side bolsters. The first ones of any worth I had ever seen in an American luxury car. My Dad smiled as he got in the driver’s seat and inspected the placement of everything. Perfect. Just like it was in the Continental. The deal was done before the test drive was over. $22k out the door.