Confirmed: XTS-V To Arrive In June As Early 2014 Model

Jack Baruth
by Jack Baruth
confirmed xts v to arrive in june as early 2014 model

While snapping shots of the new Chevrolet SS at the end of the show on Thursday, TTAC’s NYIAS crew was approached by General Motors vice president Mark Reuss. “You guys are always trying to make GM look bad,” he growled, his two personal assistants standing behind him and positively radiating menace, “but I’m going to show you that you can’t stop the largest car company in the world from making great product for great customers. Come with me.”

We didn’t have much choice, but after being given an industry exclusive on the biggest product reveal to not make news at the show, we’re glad we followed him down that dark corridor.

There, sitting alone and forlorn in a distant corner of one of the Jacob Javits Center’s loading docks, was a fierce-looking version of the new Chevrolet Impala. Slammed to the ground, with heavy negative camber and monstrous carbon-ceramic brakes peeking from behind the Corvette-ZR1-sourced lace wheels, the Impala really looked like it was worthy of the name Impala, as opposed to the current Impala, which could have been truthfully been called the “Biscayne Extra Suck Edition”.

“If we hadn’t been able to get the SS past the EPA and DOT this year, we’d have done this project instead,” Reuss noted. “But since ninety percent of the SS platform is shared with the G8, type approval was actually easy as pie. Which left this Impala SS with nowhere to go. What you’re looking at is the development mule for the XTS-V.”


“Absolutely. Specs run like this. Transverse LS7 with lower redline to preserve the carryover 6T70. We’re targeting an announced power level of 470 or so horsepower. Possibly a torque bump if we decide to use the Camaro cam.”

“The LS7 fits in the Epsilon II?”

“OF COURSE IT DOES!” Reuss laughed. “What, you think we’re so stupid we don’t bother to make sure we can put our marquee engines into our marquee brand? Did you really think we were going to leave the XTS with the same shitty six-cylinder we put in the LaCrosse? Why would anybody buy an XTS if we did that, given the price difference? Of course, the XTS has a longer wheelbase coming, because obviously it won’t cut it for livery duty with the rear seat room we have now. It’s possible we’ll use the LS3 in a livery LWB XTS for late 2014 as well.”

Scheduled to appear before the new CTS in showrooms, the XTS-V will likely circle the fabled ‘Ring in under eight minutes and twenty seconds, thus setting a new record for FWD luxury sedans over 3,850 pounds. Paddle shifters and stitched Alcantara will complete the interior for a truly premium experience, while the CUE system will be augmented with something that Reuss told us “you’d better not fucking call ‘Track Apps’, Ford owns that.”

The XTS-V will be priced about where the old STS-V was, but in our brief convo, Reuss told us he wasn’t concerned about market penetration. “Listen, it’s been proven again and again that you can sell Cadillacs for big money. Look at the Allante, the XLR, the STS-V itself. We’ll be head to head with the M5 on this, the same way we were were head-to-head with the M3 on CTS-V and we’ll be head-to-head with the 1M with the ATS-V that I’m supposed to pretend isn’t already running laps at Milford.”

In a rare moment of candor, Reuss admitted that the XTS-V has already won Motor Trend’s Car of the Year award. “We don’t have a production-line XTS-V running yet, but luckily for us we draft all our advertising checks as, ahem, one-offs, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.”

An exclusive press event for the nation’s biggest auto journalists will be held at the Stelvio Pass in approximately sixty days, with long-term loaners being distributed shortly afterwards. Our requests to participate in either program were met with the terse response “Fuck off,” and a follow-up suggestion for a week with an XTS-V press car were met with the terse response, “I already told you to fuck off, don’t make me tell you with these two fists.” The advertising campaign will be built around the concept of “Torque Can Steer You Anywhere You Want To Go,” and will feature, according to GM press flack A. T. Tappmann, “some black golfer who isn’t Tiger Woods, probably.”

Join the conversation
2 of 35 comments
  • 28-Cars-Later 28-Cars-Later on Apr 02, 2013

    “The LS7 fits in the Epsilon II?” “OF COURSE IT DOES!” Reuss laughed. “What, you think we’re so stupid we don’t bother to make sure we can put our marquee engines into our marquee brand? I'm glad there are people of intelligence such as Mr. Reuss and others at RenCen because I would 100% believe GM would generally speaking be as stupid as he inferred. While were talking transverse V8s, this is the same company who widened W-body to accept the LS4 (IIRC) and mated it to a transmission which was NEVER designed to accept more than roughly 240lb-ft (if you look at the production history of the 4T60/65 Es). How many torque converters should a car go through in a lifetime? One every 30K or so? Ok thanks guys... of course on the flip side the extra room makes it easier for this shadetree mechanic to wrench his 3800, so it wasn't all that bad. "Did you really think we were going to leave the XTS with the same shitty six-cylinder we put in the LaCrosse?" Mr. Reuss if you're reading this and assuming Baruth didn't invent this story in a drunken haze, what percentage of Cadillac cars sold in 2012/13 DON'T have the "shitty six cylinder", or the shitty four cylinder for that matter? I'm going to guess less than 10%. If you want to impress us, offer a standard V8 in all of your car models save Alpha from here on out... and while you're at it issue a public apology either for the "CTS Coupe" name/styling/entire concept or the Northstar V8, take your pick.

  • PrincipalDan PrincipalDan on Apr 02, 2013

    I would have believed this story if it was a twin turbo 3.6 V6 with AWD. That is within the realm of possibility.

  • Jeff S Some of us don't care either way we are not into this type of car. Most of these will be stored in garages waiting for their value to go up. As someone above noted this is an old body style which is retro 70s Challenger which after researching it came out in the 2008 MY which means a long run for a model that is in its 16th year. I have always liked these but if I bought one I would not spend this kind of money on one probably get the V-6 version and use it as a family car but then I am not into drag racing or muscle cars. For the type of car it is it has a decent rear seat and not too bad of a trunk. Most of us are not going to spend 100k for any vehicle at least currently so its not something most of us will buy and stick in a garage waiting for its value to increase. I am glad that these editions came out for those who can afford them and it keeps a little more color into what has become a very dull vehicle market but then with age I pick the dull appliance like reliable vehicle because that's what I need. Impressive car but not for me.
  • Jonathan The Germans. So organized they can appear disorganized. I agree with some others, classic names like Thunderbird, Imperial, Grand Prix, Ambassador etc. just have more appeal.
  • Bobbysirhan A friend had one when they first came out. He was CFO of some green California company and could charge the Volt at work. At home, the PHEV gave him an excuse to make his wife park her nicer car outdoors while the Volt get their condo's one-car garage. He liked the Volt, and he spent very little on energy during the 'first one's free!' era of EV ownership. Of course, the green company went bust soon after, and he wound up with a job that involved far more driving and ultimately the need for a more substantial car. I drove the Volt once after his wife had made a return trip to Los Angeles, depleting the battery. I don't know what a first gen Volt drives like with a charged battery, but it was really gutless with two adults, a yellow lab, and a dead battery. My other memory of it was that it had a really cramped back seat for a car that was about as large as a Civic. My friend who bought it liked it though, and that's not always been the case for GM vehicles.
  • MrIcky I think the Shakedown is more my speed of the last call editions- but this is impressive.
  • Dukeisduke I tried watching the live reveal last night, but after 15 minutes of jawing by MT+ personalities (and yes, I like Chris Jacobs and Alex Taylor), I turned it off.