Bark's Bites: If You Won't Buy A Cadillac, Maybe You'll Borrow One?

Oh, Cadillac. Sometimes I feel bad for you, what with your rebadged Impalas, your ATS wasting away on dealer lots for $15,000 under sticker, your XT5 badges that look exactly like XTS badges — it’s enough to make a man pity you.

But then you go and do stupid shit like starting a “Luxury Subscription Service,” and I lose any sympathy I have managed to scrape together. Yes, Cadillac thinks that renting you a car (that nobody wants to buy) for $1,500 a month is a great idea, and it has all the early signs of being something that Cadillac has excelled at recently — being a complete and total failure.

In order to get some sycophantic press for their service, Cadillac enlisted those willing idiots known as “autowriters” to be beta testers for the program. Josh Rubin at Cool Hunting gave a brilliant review of the program, right above his photo gallery of Lululemon’s Men’s fashion (I am not fucking kidding you). Let’s see what Josh had to say:

“Today, BOOK by Cadillac goes live in the NYC metro area with a $1500 monthly service that removes the hassle from car ownership, with added benefits like being able to swap between the brand’s different models (all are the latest models with top level appointments) based on your specific need or whim and having the car delivered when and where you desire, and additional benefits like a concierge to help take care of other things.”

So you get both added benefits and additional benefits? Damn, bro. No wonder it costs $1,500 a month.

“The intent is to allow you to enjoy life’s experiences by eliminating the hassle, cost and inconvenience of owning a car.”

Owning a car? Ermahgerrd, amirite? That’s just, like, so flyover state. Let’s not trigger poor Josh by asking him if he knows anybody who owns a pickup truck.

“The program unveiled today maintains the key points of the pilot we participated in, but with some basic refinements that resulted from insights our twenty-some-odd cohorts offered during the regular feedback sessions we joined.”

Look, guys! I’m so important that they used my feedback to improve a program I couldn’t possibly afford!

“Our pattern was to have a regular car and then swap for special occasions, however other program participants swapped more frequently without playing favorite to one model over another. It’s that seamlessness, combined with the fact that every car we drove felt brand new, that differentiates BOOK from other car sharing services.”

It was so seamless, in fact, that Josh used the word “seamless” three times in his review of the service. Hmm, I wonder where he got the idea to use that particular word. Seamless. Seamless. Seamless. Oh, no, I’ve accidentally summoned…

“To better understand the nuances of what BOOK by Cadillac means for the brand’s business, we sat down with Melody Lee, Director of Global Marketing.”

Okay, Melody, hit us with your millennial-speak. Go!

“BOOK provides all the joy of ownership, but with the flexibility, simplicity and ease of sharing — and it does this through a seamless experience that’s tailored to our members and their needs.”

I knew it! Damn you, Melody Lee, and your seamless speaking!

“The initial New York pilot gave us innumerable insights into the preferences, behaviors and responses of today’s luxury consumer. The insights were incredibly valuable when applied for the next phase of BOOK, whether it was related to operations, marketing or customer experience. The biggest takeaway was that BOOK is not about the car; it’s about what the car can create in possibility for our customers.”

Well, duh. Of course it’s not about the car, because your cars are widely perceived to be trash. Just think of all the car I could actually own for $1,500 a month, which would allow me to buy a $65,000 car over sixty months and insure it to the gills. Here’s a list of just some of the cars I find more desirable than any Cadillac, in alphabetical order:

• Acura MDX
• Alfa Romeo 4C
• Audi A6
• Audi S5
• Audi Q7
• BMW M2
• BMW M3
• BMW X5
• Chevrolet Corvette
• Dodge Challenger/Charger SRT8 (or maybe even HELLCAT)
• Ford Shelby GT350
• Ford Focus RS
• Genesis G80
• Infiniti Q60
• Jaguar F-PACE
• Jaguar F-Type
• Jeep Grand Cherokee
• Land Rover Range Rover Sport
• Lexus RC F
• Lincoln Continental
• Mercedes-Benz E Class
• Mercedes-Benz C Class
• Porsche 718 Boxster/Cayman
• Volvo XC90

For fuck’s sake, Cadillac. Will you just stop it? Stop being gimmicky and hip and trendy and so 2000 and late and just make decent cars. You can’t convince New Yorkers to like your cars. In fact, New Yorkers hate your cars. The only Cadillacs being driven in Manhattan are Escalades driven by limo services. Nobody wants to be mistaken for a livery driver.

I look forward to hearing great things about the launch of this product…and then never hearing about it again, until it is quickly and quietly discontinued.