Car Slut Confessions: Minivan Fantasyland

Motorhead Mama
by Motorhead Mama

I have a horrible fantasy. It’s dark, disturbing and completely out of character. But when I’m honest with myself, it’s very, very real.

I sometimes fantasize that I drive a minivan.

And it’s not just any minivan. It’s a white Honda Odyssey with family stick figures and a school mascot and everything. It’s got tiny wheels, regular plates and more cup holders than Victoria’s Secret. There’s a tray in the back seat, a bunch of TVs with headphone jacks and a sliding back door with a button to close.

Truth is, when you spend $40,000 on a minivan you get better family options than you do in a luxury SUV that costs twice that and that’s disgraceful. Instead, in the SUV world, we play this game where I pretend I’m ever going to drive it off road thus providing plenty of complex and expensive options I’m never gonna touch.

For example, while it’s very cool, I’ve used hill descent twice, which is probably two-times more than most people — but a vacuum cleaner? Hell, I’d use that action every day! My car has more pretzel crumbs and dog hair than Oprah’s dressing room. The difference between Miss O and I is that my minions don’t clean up after me, or after themselves for that matter.

The other issue when you drive a smokin’ hot car is that people expect you to be smokin’ hot… all the time. And I am. Most of the time. But then sometimes, I just want to exit my vehicle wearing sweatpants and a doo-rag without feeling like a fraud. If I had a minivan, I would drive it to the valley, park it at a shopping center and exit proudly wearing a white leather jumpsuit and turquoise go-go boots! That Home Goods parking lot would be ablaze with envy in no time.

However, we all know that’s not gonna happen for a multitude of reasons, including that I’m a car snob. I also drive like a bat outta hell, so I’d flip that minivan in 2.3 three seconds without ever leaving my driveway. Plus, my go-go boots are in the shop.

But the real question is, if I drove a minivan, would I park like this?

Reposted with permission from Motorhead Mama.

Motorhead Mama
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  • AtoB AtoB on Sep 06, 2015

    Anyone who refuses to drive a minivan because their friends won't think they're cool should have their license revoked for no less than 6 months. After half a year of shoe leather and public transport even a rusted out, million mile Volvo 740 will look damn sexy. I’m putting my money on some sort of hybrid drivetrain that significantly improves minivan fuel mileage. I have high hopes for the recent Toyota/Mazda partnership. A hybrid SkyActivD Mazdaspeed5? Oh HELL yes!

  • Dave M. Dave M. on Sep 07, 2015

    I love minivans. If we had more than 1 kid it would have been a no-brainer. My two finalists back in 2001 were the Nissan Quest SE and the Trooper. The Quest was perfectly sized, even for today. The only reason I didn't go with it was I was finishing a 13-year relationship with a Nissan and wanted to try something different. This weekend my nieces flew in for a family holiday to central Texas, so I rented a Buick Enclave since 3 teenagers and 2 adults and luggage - my Outback would have been a little tight. The Enclave was fine - did a commendable job on the road and I was impressed...but a minivan would have been better, especially behind the 3rd seat. Folks who avoid the 'soccer mom' image by dodging a minivan crack me up...to me, a minivan is a badge of honor for that brief moment in life when you can the kids travel as a family. It's fleeting in time... My brother retired his Grand Caravan to stand-by status last year after 12 years of toil...they got a Santa Fe as a replacement, but are looking already to terminate the lease early for something bigger. Like a minivan.

  • ToolGuy This is the kind of thing you get when you give people faster internet.
  • ToolGuy North America is already the greatest country on the planet, and I have learned to be careful about what I wish for in terms of making changes. I mean, if Greenland wants to buy JDM vehicles, isn't that for the Danes to decide?
  • ToolGuy Once again my home did not catch on fire and my fire extinguisher(s) stayed in the closet, unused. I guess I threw my money away on fire extinguishers.(And by fire extinguishers I mean nuclear missiles.)
  • Carson D The UAW has succeeded in organizing a US VW plant before. There's a reason they don't teach history in the schools any longer. People wouldn't make the same mistakes.
  • B-BodyBuick84 Mitsubishi Pajero Sport of course, a 7 seater, 2.4 turbo-diesel I4 BOF SUV with Super-Select 4WD, centre and rear locking diffs standard of course.
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