The Cross-Country CTS-V Wagon Roadtrip Starts Tomorrow

Different cars serve different purposes. Of course, you already know this. You know, for example, that people buy compact cars for fuel economy. People buy minivans to haul other people. And people buy Acuras because they’re confused.

So why do people buy station wagons? For practicality, of course. People buy wagons so they can pack up all their belongings, load them inside the cargo area, and hand the keys to a car transporter who makes constant runs between Greenwich, Connecticut, and Palm Beach.

Of course, here I am thinking of the Mercedes E-Class wagon, a vehicle that’s owned by many esteemed wealthy people, all of whom are still mad at Bernie Madoff. But this behavior isn’t true of all wagons. Some people, after all, purchase their wagons to drive. And I happen to be one of those people.

And that’s why I’m leaving tomorrow morning to go on a cross-country, 5,500-mile roadtrip through 17 states with my station wagon. I’ve decided to devote the remainder of this post to a Q&A session that covers what I can only assume are the questions that you, dear reader, might ask. Here goes:

Q: Are you nuts?

A: Yeah.

Q: Why the hell are you doing this?

A: Because it’s fun! Remember when people used to take roadtrips? It’s a lost art, sort of like those people who churn their own butter. I’m not much of a churner, so I decided to do this instead.

There are two other big reasons. One is that I want to go to this year’s Monterey Car Week and the various Pebble Beach automotive events. And two, my East Coast-born girlfriend wants to see the West. What better way to kill two birds with one stone than by driving to Pebble Beach through the West in the single least-efficient automobile I have ever owned?

Q: Fine, but I want to see pictures. Can I see pictures?

A: I don’t know, can you? (Don’t you hate when people say this? Whenever someone says this to me, I want to condemn them to a life of churning butter.)

The real answer is: yes, you can see pictures. The easiest way will be to follow me on Twitter, where I will be posting constant updates from the road.

Q: Twitter? What am I, a nine-year-old girl?

A: Yeah, I know. Telling people to “follow me on Twitter” is the single most embarrassing thing I have ever done, so if you don’t do it, I won’t be offended in the slightest. With that said, Triple-A follows me on Twitter, though this is probably because, as a Land Rover owner, I am their biggest client.

If you don’t want to go on Twitter, I will also be photo-dumping as often as possible on my website, PlaysWithCars.com. And I’ll try to post the occasional update here, though you might have to hold out until I get back. After all, what was supposed to be a romantic summer roadtrip has quickly turned into a large-scale automotive event. Like usual.

Q: Are you going to do burnouts in all 17 states?

A: Probably.

Q: What are you bringing with you?

A: Funny you should ask! We will be bringing luggage, more luggage, and (since my girlfriend is coming) even more luggage. We also have extra tires, largely because I don’t want to get stuck calling a tow truck in rural Nevada, where the preferred method of towing involves a lifted Chevy pickup and a fraying rope.

Q: How much is Cadillac paying you for all this free publicity?

A: I know, right? Cadillac, if you’re reading this, can you send me an unsold 2009 DTS? We all know you have them sitting around somewhere.

Q: Will you be stopping anywhere?

A: Yes.

Q: Uh, where?

A: Well, for one thing, we’ll be stopping every 45 minutes or so for fuel. After all, the car can’t even break 18 miles per gallon on the highway, and its fuel tank is roughly the size of a regulation softball. So if you live in any county along the route, be on the lookout for a Cadillac station wagon filled with tires, luggage, and two people who are thinking: Maybe we didn’t need to see the West so badly after all.

We’ll also be stopping at all the major sights. Big Sur. Yosemite. Death Valley. The Grand Canyon. The Gateway Arch. The place in Aspen where John Denver was arrested for driving under the influence after he wrecked his Porsche. The place in Aspen where John Denver was arrested again for driving under the influence, but because driving under the influence is so widely accepted in Aspen, his punishment was that he had to play a concert.

So, basically, we’re seeing all the important sights.

Q: Well, this sounds like fun.

A: Doesn’t it? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go prepare for the trip. In other words: I have to get gas.

@DougDeMuro is the author of Plays With Cars and the operator of PlaysWithCars.com. He’s owned an E63 AMG wagon, road-tripped across the US in a Lotus without air conditioning, and posted a six-minute lap time on the Circuit de Monaco in a rented Ford Fiesta. One year after becoming Porsche Cars North America’s youngest manager, he quit to become a writer. His parents are very disappointed.