Piston Slap: The "Fat" Panther, The Self Aware Man

George writes:

Sajeev, I enjoy TTAC and your writing. Okay, I succumbed to the blandishments of you Panther lovers (and to fond memories of my father driving his Fords and Lincolns), and bought a 1996 Lincoln Town Car Cartier. The car has about 143,000 miles on it, all in North Carolina. The previous (2nd) owner was reportedly a little old lady, and because of the condition of the driver’s seat she could not have weighed much more than 90 or 95 pounds. It is well taken care of and straight.

The TC has a clean Carfax, and I purchased it for just under $3k. It appears to have every single option offered that year (including the phone) except a sunroof, and I’m not sure a sunroof was offered on the Cartier. (It was, so sorry! – SM)

My mechanic says it appears to have been well taken care of, and since I plan on keeping it for 5 to 7 years I am happy to put another $5k to $7k in the car, which means for under $10k I get to drive a true luxury car that gets almost 26 mpg on the highway.

After about $4.5k it has a bunch of new stuff including driver’s door hinges, all fluids and filters changed, suspension, window lifts,

I drive 10,000 to 14,000 miles per year, which may include a round trip to the Rockies every year or two. The car gets almost 17 mpg in town (16.8), and 25.5 mpg on the highway at 65 to 70 – this is a true slab cruiser and it seems to love cruising for hours.

My questions are:

This is a true luxo barge and it puts a smile on my face when I look at it and when I drive it. It is also putting smiles on many other faces – I can’t stop myself waving and smiling at other drivers and pedestrians….

(I wrenched when younger but no more – my interests now are pretty much confined to running my business and making life miserable for my competitors, all of which I enjoy immensely. I tell my family and friends I have retired as I do what I want every day and hope I can keep doing it until I die.)

Sajeev answers:

And I also hope you can do just that till the end of your days, my good man. I feel the same way about this Piston Slap gig, even if I don’t (technically) own a Panther of my own. But it sounds like you have the perfect ride for your ideal life. You lucky duck!

Question 1: new shocks are first on my list, preferably some upgraded units like Bilsteins. Upgrading the swaybars is optional, but it might seriously defeat the purpose of owning a Cartier Town Car. Next up is a large, aftermarket transmission cooler. From there, I’d get some 16” Cartier (1997-2002) chrome wheels to do the big brake swap from the later model. Depending on the condition of the transmission, doing a J-Mod will make the ride a lot more entertaining with less wear and tear. Lastly, getting an SCT reflash on the computer will speed up transmission shift logic and net you anywhere from 10-25 more ponies too. Oh, and if the plastic intake hasn’t been changed to the aluminum-plastic redesign, DO IT NOW!

Question 2: Air Suspension rocks, and Lincoln’s setup is disturbingly cheap and durable. Ever priced a replacement system for a Lexus LS or anything European? The Lincoln’s bags (Ford parts, not the cheap remans) only last 10-12 years. So replace the bags every 10 years and things will be just peachy. You can replace the three wear points (bags, air compressor) for probably $600 or so, and it’s quite easy to do in your own driveway, if you were so inclined.

Question 3: Vigilant? Are you serious? This is a frickin’ Panther chassis! The only things to be vigilant with a “Fat” Panther like your Cartier is to make sure your friends/family don’t cut-scuff-mar the soft touch materials: because these truly are land yachts that go toe-to-toe with other luxury cars from that era.

Question 4: Sounds like you need rebuild the suspension. New shocks like I said before, maybe replaced the fatigued coil springs too. This is a 15-year-old car with well over 100,000 miles, after all. If you want a Panther that doesn’t fit the stereotypes of old American Iron, do this and forget about air pressure in your tires.

Send your queries to sajeev@thetruthaboutcars.com . Spare no details and ask for a speedy resolution if you’re in a hurry.