Editorial: Naughty And Nice: A Christmas List For The Manufacturers Who Didn't Get Bailed Out

My parents had many ways to traumatize me during my childhood holidays. Perhaps the most effective: taking me downtown to donate a hundred bucks to the local Ronald McDonald House. Don’t get me wrong; the charity could well be the best (only?) reason to eat a Filet-O-Fish. But a hundred bucks? That kind of money could have bought two copies of “Star Raiders” for the Atari 800. As it turns out, I’m not the only spoiled brat to resent a bit of charity, as the following Christmas list proves. It’s straight from my top-secret sources at the North Pole: a complete recap of what the more fortunate manufacturers are asking Santa for this year. We’ll start with Toyota.

“Dear Santa, we want a sack of Tundra tailgates that don’t bend when Americans sit on ‘em. We would also like some more of the green fairy dust that keeps the mainstream media from focusing on our ten gas-guzzling truck and SUV nameplates, while continuing to praise us for knocking out a couple hundred thousand hybrids every year.”

Maserati. “Dear Santa, you don’t have to bring us anything. Just take our remaining stock of 2008 Quattroportes and give them to someone deserving. Someone really wealthy, who can afford the service. What’s Mrs. Claus driving these days?”

Mercedes-Benz: “Herr Claus, please would you use one of those Men-In-Black neuralizers (a.k.a. flashy things) when you’re over our North American market. Get everyone to forget this ‘living within your means’ rubbish. Oh, and can you please remove memories of the first-generation ML320? Bitte.”

Mitsubishi: “Santa, we’d like a lump of coal. And a list of every Evo that’s ever run an autocross, so we can cancel all the warranties at once.”

Nissan: “Dear Santa, we’d like all the money back that we spent on that ‘From the Same Mindset’ ad campaign. It turns out that Murano customers don’t care about the GT-R’s fender vents after all. In exchange, we’ll look after something small and feeble that needs a new home. How about Chrysler?”

Porsche: “Dear Santa, we’ve been a bit naughty recently around the hedges (you know what we mean). But if we’re still on your list, we’d like the serenity to accept our massive profits, the strength to continue making grenade-like water-cooled engines, and the wisdom to convince our customers that the 911 is really worth half again as much as a Cayman.”

Subaru: “Dear Santa, we’ve just discovered that one of your elves is the guy who styled every Impreza since the year 2001. Please deliver him to us for a nice warm Christmas dinner. We’ll take care of the rest.”

Honda: “Dear Santa, we need 100k more transmissions for the Acura TL and CL, more mechanics to supplant the single full-time guy most Acura dealers have changing them out fifty hours a week. Also, some more alphabet soup to help us name our new vehicles.”

BMW: “Dear Santa. Can we please have a gift certificate for liposuction, plus another five thousand dollars per unit in 2009 to continue stuffing our lease programs with subvention like a drunk construction worker puts dirty singles in a daytime stripper’s thong? That is all.”

Bentley: “Dear Santa, don’t worry about us. Just stick bags of cash under the trees of rappers, professional atheletes, misguided car collectors and the guys in Brussels who make the rules about CO2 emissions.”

GM: “Dear Santa, Peace on Earth, good will to us. P.S. Who knew you delivered early?”

Chrysler: “Dear Santa, Please can we keep that cloak of invisibility another year?”

Ford: “At this point, we’d just like a chance to continue making the strongest lineup of domestic cars and trucks in modern history entirely on our own, without the constant fear of supplier failure, residual-value collapse, crucifixion in the business press, Stockholm-syndrome Southern senators, suicidal UAW demands, and know-nothing bloggers who swear up and down that they would crawl over broken glass to buy a ‘Euro Focus’ while studiously avoiding doing so much as opening the door of a Saturn Astra. Also, it would really, really be nice if people stopped calling our now-discontinued wood-side luxury pickup truck the ‘Black ‘N Da Hood’. Thanks.”