By on December 24, 2008

My parents had many ways to traumatize me during my childhood holidays. Perhaps the most effective: taking me downtown to donate a hundred bucks to the local Ronald McDonald House. Don’t get me wrong; the charity could well be the best (only?) reason to eat a Filet-O-Fish. But a hundred bucks? That kind of money could have bought two copies of “Star Raiders” for the Atari 800. As it turns out, I’m not the only spoiled brat to resent a bit of charity, as the following Christmas list proves. It’s straight from my top-secret sources at the North Pole: a complete recap of what the more fortunate manufacturers are asking Santa for this year. We’ll start with Toyota.

“Dear Santa, we want a sack of Tundra tailgates that don’t bend when Americans sit on ‘em. We would also like some more of the green fairy dust that keeps the mainstream media from focusing on our ten gas-guzzling truck and SUV nameplates, while continuing to praise us for knocking out a couple hundred thousand hybrids every year.”

Maserati. “Dear Santa, you don’t have to bring us anything. Just take our remaining stock of 2008 Quattroportes and give them to someone deserving. Someone really wealthy, who can afford the service. What’s Mrs. Claus driving these days?”

Mercedes-Benz: “Herr Claus, please would you use one of those Men-In-Black neuralizers (a.k.a. flashy things) when you’re over our North American market. Get everyone to forget this ‘living within your means’ rubbish. Oh, and can you please remove memories of the first-generation ML320? Bitte.”

Mitsubishi: “Santa, we’d like a lump of coal. And a list of every Evo that’s ever run an autocross, so we can cancel all the warranties at once.”

Nissan: “Dear Santa, we’d like all the money back that we spent on that ‘From the Same Mindset’ ad campaign. It turns out that Murano customers don’t care about the GT-R’s fender vents after all. In exchange, we’ll look after something small and feeble that needs a new home. How about Chrysler?”

Porsche: “Dear Santa, we’ve been a bit naughty recently around the hedges (you know what we mean). But if we’re still on your list, we’d like the serenity to accept our massive profits, the strength to continue making grenade-like water-cooled engines, and the wisdom to convince our customers that the 911 is really worth half again as much as a Cayman.”

Subaru: “Dear Santa, we’ve just discovered that one of your elves is the guy who styled every Impreza since the year 2001. Please deliver him to us for a nice warm Christmas dinner. We’ll take care of the rest.”

Honda: “Dear Santa, we need  100k more transmissions for the Acura TL and CL, more mechanics to supplant the single full-time guy most Acura dealers have changing them out fifty hours a week. Also, some more alphabet soup to help us name our new vehicles.”

BMW: “Dear Santa. Can we please have a gift certificate for liposuction, plus another five thousand dollars per unit in 2009 to continue stuffing our lease programs with subvention like a drunk construction worker puts dirty singles in a daytime stripper’s thong? That is all.”

Bentley: “Dear Santa, don’t worry about us. Just stick bags of cash under the trees of rappers, professional atheletes, misguided car collectors and the guys in Brussels who make the rules about CO2 emissions.”

GM: “Dear Santa, Peace on Earth, good will to us. P.S. Who knew you delivered early?”

Chrysler: “Dear Santa, Please can we keep that cloak of invisibility another year?”

Ford: “At this point, we’d just like a chance to continue making the strongest lineup of domestic cars and trucks in modern history entirely on our own, without the constant fear of supplier failure, residual-value collapse, crucifixion in the business press, Stockholm-syndrome Southern senators, suicidal UAW demands, and know-nothing bloggers who swear up and down that they would crawl over broken glass to buy a ‘Euro Focus’ while studiously avoiding doing so much as opening the door of a Saturn Astra. Also, it would really, really be nice if people stopped calling our now-discontinued wood-side luxury pickup truck the ‘Black ‘N Da Hood’. Thanks.”

Get the latest TTAC e-Newsletter!

24 Comments on “Editorial: Naughty And Nice: A Christmas List For The Manufacturers Who Didn’t Get Bailed Out...”


  • avatar
    Michael Ayoub

    Funny stuff. :)

  • avatar
    JJ

    Oh, and can you please remove memories of the first-generation ML320? Bitte.”

    And those of 90% of the other cars we produced between now and 10 years ago, bitte?

    Could you also continue with trying to convince BMW that the cost-cutting/nonexistent niche filling/bad brand acquisitioning strategy we employed 10 years ago is the best strategy in the world, like you have so kindly agreed to do in the past couple of years, bitte?

    Danke Schön…

  • avatar
    Aeroelastic

    Hey, I’m excited about the Opel Saturn Astra. If I was in the market for a new car, that’d be in my top 3.

  • avatar
    Geo. Levecque

    When you all think of buying European Cars, just think back to all the electrical problems they have just after a few years,parts for these vehicles are very expensive, as compared to even the Asian ones.

  • avatar
    RedStapler

    I like the one about Mitusubshi wanting the naughty list of autocrossers. We will revoke your warranty if you use your product for what it was designed to do. Talk about boneheaded PR.

    Imagine the uproar if Chrysler started yanking warranty on every Wrangler owner who went to Moab.

  • avatar

    I don’t see why manufacturers should be held to warranties for products used in racing. Broken stuff is part of racing, no matter how good the product is. Where’s the treadwear warranty on my Hoosiers?

  • avatar
    mcs

    Oh, and can you please remove memories of the first-generation ML320? Bitte.”

    And the nightmare of the “Dr. Z” Chrysler ad campaign.

  • avatar
    orenwolf

    Aw, no Mazda?

  • avatar
    AKM

    Hysterical, and all very accurate.

    Thanks for the laugh!

    VW: “to have the Porsche guys teach us how to become a bank, and more Kool-aid flavored LSD for the execs to wrote the ‘become bigger than Toyota’ plan”.

    Audi: “a platform where the engine would sit behind the front axle”

    Isuzu: “a market outside Japan. Any market”

  • avatar
    davey49

    Isuzu has great markets outside Japan
    visit http://www.isuzucv.com
    cars are overrated

  • avatar
    qfrog

    Very entertaining Jack

    I lol’d at “Mitsubishi: “Santa, we’d like a lump of coal. And a list of every Evo that’s ever run an autocross, so we can cancel all the warranties at once.””

  • avatar
    Aegea

    “Imagine the uproar if Chrysler started yanking warranty on every Wrangler owner who went to Moab.”

    DON’T GIVE THEM IDEAS!

  • avatar
    dasko

    “Hey, I’m excited about the Opel Saturn Astra. If I was in the market for a new car, that’d be in my top 3.”

    That’s the problem, you and other people who read this site aren’t so it does not sell.

  • avatar

    “Dear Santa, we need 100k more transmissions for the Acura TL and CL, more mechanics to supplant the single full-time guy most Acura dealers have changing them out fifty hours a week. Also, some more alphabet soup to help us name our new vehicles.”

    Shhhh! Pay no attention to the faulty transmissions and sludgy engines behind the rice paper curtain.

    Also, it would really, really be nice if people stopped calling our now-discontinued wood-side luxury pickup truck the ‘Black ‘N Da Hood’

    The Blackwood will be collectible some years hence. How many vehicle models are sold for only one year? That’s the automotive version of a tv show canceled after its first episode. They only built 3,356 of them. That’s about 2 day’s worth of production of the F-150 at the current low rate, and about 1/7th the production of the Chevy SSR, another image truck with disappointing sales. You can probably still find some new Blackwoods on dealer lots 6 years after it was discontinued.

  • avatar
    thoots

    Two things:

    1. The Acura bit had me shooting milk out my nose. How has Honda virtually avoided getting any negative press whatsoever over its utter failure to produce a five-speed automatic transmisson that can survive when mated to any of its V6 engines?

    2. Yeah, I checked out the Saturn Astra. Abominable ergonomics, and with a manual transmission it gets about the same highway MPG as a four-cylinder auto-trans Camry or Altima. (Sorry, Accord doesn’t play in this league anymore). Bring us good euro imports, eh?

  • avatar
    Mrb00st

    Hyundai: “Dear Santa… can you send our son the Genesis Coupe a Jenny Craig weight loss book? We know there’s no reason on earth a 4 cylinder RWD coupe should weigh 3400 lbs. It does anyway!”

    Toyota: “All I want for Christmas is a soul!”

    Mazda: “Santa – can you send us a recommendation on how to fit the 2.3 DISI Turbo motor into the Miata? It seems like a simple idea but we’re too damn lazy to figure out how to change the cam drive system to make it fit. I mean, Audi figured out how to stuff a 4.2L V8 into the engine bay of a B6 A4, but we’re Mazda. We just don’t give a sh*t.”

    VW: “Can we HAVE Brooke Shields? We’ll give her a reason to buy a Touran.” (Just kidding. There’s no reason to buy a Touran.)

    Koenigsegg: “Dear Santa – how can we break the 1300bhp mark on this Ford modular V8 we’re using?”

    Fiat: “Dear Santa… can you put the engine back where it belongs on the 500?”

    Nissan: “Santa… where did you put the drawing with the real styling of the 370Z?”

  • avatar

    Koenigsegg: “Dear Santa – how can we break the 1300bhp mark on this Ford modular V8 we’re using?”

    Supposedly the FWD version of the Ford modular V8 will fit in the engine bay of the Lotus Elise. I’m not sure how much power the 4speed FWD automatic will take, probably somewhere less than 1300HP.

    I was told by Lotus’ PR guy when the 1st gen Elise was introduced that the engine bay would accommodate all FWD drivetrains in production at the time including the 4.6L Ford and the Caddy Northstar.

  • avatar
    AuricTech

    Suzuki: “Um, Santa? We hate to bother you, what with all the big kids begging for your attention, but we’ve been good this year. Look at our US-market lineup for MY2009. Not a single rebadged Daewoo in sight (not like some folks we could name). So, could you help spread the word that we aren’t just a motorcycle and ATV producer?”

  • avatar
    davey49

    thoots- Did you drive the Astra? A lot of complaints will go away once you get it on the road.
    Mrb00st- 3400 lbs is light these days, where you been?

  • avatar
    yellow_04

    Good laugh.

  • avatar
    Lumbergh21

    Santa – can you send us a recommendation on how to fit the 2.3 DISI Turbo motor into the Miata?

    I’ve wondered more than once why there is no mazdaspeed version of the new Miata (whatever Mazda wants to call it, it’s still a Miata). If it’s handling they’re worried about, how about a rotary engined version that makes decent power and maintains as good or better handling and maybe throw in some usable rear seats while your at it? Oh, wait that’s the RX8.

  • avatar
    tankd0g

    “Imagine the uproar if Chrysler started yanking warranty on every Wrangler owner who went to Moab.”

    They only did that for Libery owners.

  • avatar
    markie b

    Somebody’s confusing autocrossing with racing. If you take your Evo to Mid-Ohio to bang doors, that’s a different matter than driving at less than the speed limit around an empty parking lot. Mazda picked up my RX-8 from an autocross with a blown engine-and then replaced the engine.

  • avatar
    Honda_Lover

    I don’t know what you’re talking about but that fish sandwich looks yummy.


Back to TopLeave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Subscribe without commenting

Recent Comments

New Car Research

Get a Free Dealer Quote

Staff

  • Contributing Writers

  • Jack Baruth, United States
  • Brendan McAleer, Canada
  • Marcelo De Vasconcellos, Brazil
  • Vojta Dobes, Czech Republic
  • Matthias Gasnier, Australia
  • W. Christian 'Mental' Ward, Abu Dhabi
  • Mark Stevenson, Canada
  • Cameron Aubernon, United States
  • J Emerson, United States