Der ChicWagen: Audi's New A5/S5 Sportback

Matthew Guy
by Matthew Guy

Despite dire warnings that the sedan is about to experience a slow and grisly demise, der Technikers at Audi announced today that they will be crafting a new five-door liftback from their swoopy A5 coupe, the most interesting of which is the S5 Sportback.

Styling is typical Audi fare, employing their current Different Lengths of Sausage™ design language. Audi trumpets the Sportback’s short overhangs but it’s hard to ignore the gawping Singleframe grille, flatter and wider here than on previous models.

Audi estimates the S5 Sportback will accomplish the 0-60 mile per hour sprint in 4.7 seconds. A newly developed, direct injection, 3.0-liter TFSI turbo V6 engine will churn out 354 of the finest German horses and 369 pounds-feet of torque from a barely off-idle 1370 rpm. Unburdened by leiderhosen-shod tuba players, the “five-door sports coupé” is nearly 190 pounds lighter than its predecessor (at 3660 lbs).

There will be lesser versions of the model, set to bear the A5 Sportback moniker, equipped with lower powered engines making between 190 hp and 286 hp. TDI engines are mentioned in the media release, but given the diesel debacle there’s a great chance they will be less popular than a Greek accountant. All-wheel drive is an option on the order sheet.

The interior will be available in numerous types of sumptuous leather, including a quilted light grey and perforated dark pumpernickel. Okay, I made up the last one. What I’m not making up is the “Audi phone box” which, sadly missing a comedic Dr. Who/TARDIS tie-in, connects smartphones to an on-board antenna by near-field coupling and simultaneously charges them inductively using the Qi standard. Audiophiles will be able to listen to their favourite oompah band through the always fantastic Bang & Olufsen sound system. Audi’s large, high-resolution TFT monitor — spanning a rennfahrer pleasing 12.3 inches — presents the driver with richly detailed graphics.

So, just to recap, Audi makes a five door version of a two door version of a four door sedan. The new A5 Sportback will hit the road in Germany and other European countries at the start of 2017 for a base price of EUR 37,800. Slovenly Western showrooms will be bereft of this model until such time that Audi’s overlords deem us worthy — which they surely will, since BMW and Mercedes seem to sell all the four-door coo-pays they can make.

[Images: Audi AG]

Matthew Guy
Matthew Guy

Matthew buys, sells, fixes, & races cars. As a human index of auto & auction knowledge, he is fond of making money and offering loud opinions.

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3 of 32 comments
  • Stumpaster Stumpaster on Sep 08, 2016

    My oh my, where did all these humors come from? First a Simpsons reference, followed with "less popular than a Greek accountant" - wow, you nocked it outta da park! For your next article may ai suggest such alligoeries as "this engine slower than a Mexican distance runner", "the cabin is darker than a Panther member at a Trump rally", and "the fake leather seats are smellier than an Indian wedding party after chicken tikka masala dinner". You go boy!

  • Corey Lewis Corey Lewis on Sep 08, 2016

    They're getting a bit aggressive with the character line these days. It doesn't need to be quite so voluminous. Other than that, I like it. Because the grille is filled in through the middle behind the slats, even it doesn't bother me that much. I've mentioned before, I think Audi is going to lead the movement back to smaller grille.

  • Probert A few mega packs would probably have served as decent backup.
  • Lou_BC Lead sleds. Now-a-days GM would just use Bondo.
  • Jrhurren This is a great series. Thanks Corey
  • Tane94 Not as stylish as the Soul which it is replacing but a practical shape and bonus points for EV only.
  • Ronin What is the magical white swan event in the foreseeable future that will suddenly reverse the trend?Success tends to follow success, and likewise failure. The perception, other than among true believers, is that e-cars are a lost cause. Neither government fiat, nor government bribery, nor even the promise of superior virtue among one's peers have been enough to push past the early adapter curve. Either the bust-out is right now for e-cars, or it doesn't happen. Marketing 101.Even subtle language-manipulation, such as deeming those possessing common sense as suffering from some sort of vague anxiety (eg, "range anxiety") has not been enough to induce people to care.Twenty years from now funny AI-generated comedians will make fun of the '20s, and their obsession with theose silly half-forgotten EVs. They will point out that, yes, EVs actually ran on electricity generated by such organic fuels as coal and natural gas after all, and then they will perform synthesized laughter at us.