The Truth About Caroline: What Your Car Says to Me (and Every Other Woman Under 30)

Some time ago, I was on the rooftop of a five-star hotel for my post-hangover chow when I heard someone complaining that “They only have eight kinds of breakfast here!” Naturally, I had to make the acquaintance of someone so discerning. Caroline Ellis hails from the South, is impossibly tiny, and has been involved with car culture in one way or another for most of her life. She’ll be chiming in a few times a month in the future, so if you have any topics you’d like her to cover, let me know — JB

I’m in my mid-twenties, I’m blonde, and I’m female. In other words, I’m pretty much the antithesis of the audience for most automotive journalism outlets-Road and Track, for example, states that their readership is 94.6% percent male with a median age of 45. The only time a woman my age shows up in most automotive publications is if she’s on the cover wearing nothing but a bikini and a come-hither stare.

But, you 94.6% should realize my opinion about cars is pretty important. You see, a lot of men try to impress me and women just like me with what they drive. So, with this and future writings here at TTAC, I’m gonna break the Girl Code. We’ll look behind the door of the Ladies’ Room and let you in on the Truth About Cars according to the Women of Generation Y.

For those of you who are actually trying, let’s look at what you think you’re saying with your car, and what you’re actually saying.

Honda Accord/Toyota Camry/Nissan Altima

You think: I’m sensible, I’m smart with my money, and I’m making a sound investment. I’d make a great family man.

We think: You probably also wear Dockers and think that Applebee’s would make a great first date.

Honda Civic/Toyota Corolla

You think: This is a really reliable car and… sorry, I really don’t have any idea what you’re thinking here.

We think: Great, you’re boring AND poor.

Ford/Chevy/Dodge Pickup

You think: I’m a manly man driving a manly truck.

We think: You’d better look like Blake Shelton, or I’m not interested. Also, you’d better buy me some really sexy boots I can wear with my skinny jeans so my girlfriends will think I’m being ironic when I ride in it. Don’t even think about trying to take me hunting, fishing, or camping, either.

Chevy Corvette

You think: I look sexy driving this thing.

We think: You’re at least ten years older than you’re telling me you are. Your ex-wife was right to tell you that you weren’t allowed to buy that thing. I’ll take some drinks from you but you’re getting a fake number at the end of the night.

Infiniti G35/37/whatever they call it now

You think: It’s just as cool as a BMW.

We think: No, it isn’t.

BMW/Audi/Mercedes with the badges removed

You think: Nobody knows I bought the cheapest one.

We think: Yes, we totally know you bought the cheapest one. Also, you better keep those badges for when you turn it back in at the end of your lease.

Ford Mustang

You think: This thing is hot.

We think: Yes, yes it is. It’s a shame the backseat is so small, but I’m willing to make it work.

Porsche Boxster

You think: I am total baller. Chicks think I’m rich.

We think: You probably just hit a midlife crisis; like my stepdad. Also, it’s amazing you still have your man card considering that you bought the Beverly Hills Trophy Wife-edition Porsche. We know it’s the cheap one, too.

Ferrari or Lamborghini of any kind (we can’t tell them apart, either)

You think: This makes my dong bigger.

We think: No, it doesn’t. And congratulations on your 144 month lease term!

Any Subaru, especially a green one

You think: This makes me look outdoorsy.

We think: You probably have some good weed. You’re allowed to be in Friend Zone.

Minivans

We don’t really even need to talk about this one, do we?

Toyota Prius

You think: I’m ecologically responsible.

We think: Nobody is impressed by your carbon footprint. I’m more impressed by how big your real footprint is, if you know what I mean.

But most importantly, you’ve got to match your car. Don’t try to be something you’re not. If you’re trying to convince me of something, you’d better have already convinced yourself. Obviously a lot of what I’ve said here is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but there’s a lot of truth in it, too. I’m here to help, so ask away-tell me what you’d like to know about a young woman’s perspective on your ride, or anything else that you’d like to know. Bottom line: I want to help you, the Best and Brightest, get… you know. Lucky. Consider me your virtual wingwoman.

So, I think it goes something like this… over to you, B&B!