This Aggression Will Not Stand, Man: Portland Declares War On Working Panthers

The Portland city council two years ago put in place regulations that force limousine and sedan services to charge a $50 minimum for rides to and from the airport, and at least 35 percent more than taxis for trips to any other destination. And these transportation companies cannot pick up customers until at least an hour after the customer calls for a ride… “The main thing is that you don’t want the Town Cars to take all of the best fares, which are to the airport, and not leave any for the taxi industry,” [a city official] said. “That’s why there’s a minimum fare and a one-hour wait requirement.”

That’s right: the city of Portland is attacking the Lincoln Town Car, by name, in legislation and public speech. To the diminishing community of people in the United States who give a damn about the so-called “Constitution”, that’s called a “bill of attainder”. Nor is it empty talk: the city recently fined TownCar.com $635,500. Why?

According to The Weekly Standard, two sedan services, TownCar.com and Fiesta Limousine, had the nerve to offer “Groupons” for service last year. The city responded by throwing down six-figure fines on both companies, which then had to nullify the Groupons or go bankrupt as a consequence.

Is that even legal? These people say “No!”:

Regardless of the legal implications, however, a few facts are clear:

• Some company out there has the kick-ass domain name, TownCar.com.
• The city of Portland is speaking out against Town Cars.
• The Town Car is the most American car of all time, notwithstanding the inconvenient detail that it was temporarily assembled in the 52nd state of Ontario for a few years.
• Speaking out against the Town Car is basically the same as speaking out against America.
• Which makes the Portland City Council terrorists.
• This means that, under recent legislation passed while you were all watching the media shooooping George Zimmerman’s face to look whiter, President Obama can authorize remote drone killings of the Portland City Council, without “due process” or any of that other hippie/teabagger crap.
• But one drone might not be enough to do it.
• But, given the enthusiastic way the government has interpreted the interstate-commerce clause, surely “drone killing” can be expanded to “ICBM launch”.

That’s right. If Portland doesn’t stop persecuting Town Cars, it may be necessary — patriotic, even — to nuke Portland. However, once the announcement is made that Portland is being nuked, local TTAC readers may want to call a taxi to take you to the airport, since the Town Cars have to wait a mandatory hour before picking you up.

Thanks to TTAC reader “Curvy McLegalbriefs” for the heads-up on this one!