Complete Toyota Pro/Celebrity Race Results: "Car Show" Smashes "Top Gear USA", Pro Driver Beats Roger Van Zant

While a sad variety of forever-alone, anorak-clad, middle-aged Brits huddled in their so-called “council flats” to watch Nico Rosberg finally fail to fail to win a race, the attention of the world’s beautiful people was squarely centered on the Toyota Pro/Celebrity Race. This gala event pits people who (very, very loosely) fit the definition of “pros” and “celebrities” racing stock Scion TCs around a street course. Usually there is a huge crash, caused by some starlet’s implants getting too close to the steering wheel, and then a ragged collection of survivors shuffle-steers their way to a finish only slightly more strung-out than some of the “celebrities” are when they have to wake up before noon.

This year, the question on everybody’s lips was: Do you have any coke? It is also possible, however, that someone was interested in how the stars of “Top Gear USA” and “The Car Show” would do in an actual race. This notion — that people who are being paid to talk about cars on television should have some experience driving them at speed — is so ridiculous that it takes a moment to sink in. It’s also possible that someone was wondering: “In a race between a professional drifter and actor William Fichtner, who would win?”

We have the answers to both these questions, both after the jump and in the headline you’ve already read.

Alright. The important thing to understand is that “professional drivers” start 30 seconds behind the rest of the field. So, although it appears that “pro drifter” Frederic Asabo barely beat “celebrity” Rutledge Wood, in fact it was a 30-second ass-whipping.

The ass-whipping Adam Carolla put on Rutledge, however, was almost as bad: six seconds and change in a ten-lap race. The second-place celebrity, Hill Harper, plays a doctor on CSI. The third-place celebrity was, um, a Toyota dealer. So Adam Carolla was both the overall winner and the “celebrity” winner.

The “pro” winner was drifter Frederic Asabo, who was about six seconds ahead of William Fichtner. Mr. Fichtner, who played Roger Van Zant in the second-best movie of all time, “Heat”. Remember that time when Henry Rollins was all like, “You’re gonna make a deal with these people?” and Fichtner was all like, “The word’s out on the street it’s okay to steal my stuff? I’m gonna kill the sons of bitches!” That was awesome. You might think that Fichtner is a “pro” because of that scene, but he is actually a “pro” because he won the race last year.

Other notable particpants: Adrien Brody, and, um, nobody.

So, what we learned?

• Car Show beats TGUSA. But you knew they would.
• Drifters are slightly better at racing than people who don’t race.
• Toyota dealers are celebrities.

That’s all, folks! See you next year!