2012 Beijing Auto Show Preview: Ni Hao From China's Capital

Our man Bertel Schmitt is en route, all set to cover the Beijing Auto Show for the next two days. By our count, there are over 70 debuts, with many of them being Chinese market products; concept cars, older vehicles re-issued and manufactured in Chinese JV factories and obscure concept cars. A complete list, with a brief description can be read at just-auto.com for anyone really interested in the Brilliance Jinbei Large Sea Lion Camper or the HaiMa Yao.

Audi: Audi has two big debuts. The RS Q3 muscle-crossover (which is not an obscure genre of pornography) and the A6L, a favorite of Chinese government officials.

BMW: A topless version of the i8 electric supercar will be revealed, but the big news is the 3-Series long wheelbase. These long wheelbase sedans are essential for China, where having a driver is a mark of status.

Brilliance: Chinese automaker Brilliance debuts their Jinbei Large Sea Lion Camper concept. I have no idea what this is, but it is already my pick of the show.

Citroën: The beautiful DS Numero 9 is unveiled.

Eterniti: Remember this? The mysterious SUV upstart will show off a production-ready product.

Fiat: The Dodge Dart based Viaggio will be revealed, while we anxiously await for a puerile, pun-infested headline from Jalopnik that will be borderline misogynistic.

Geely: Chinese automaker Geely will show a revised version of the Gleagle McCar, which sounds vaguely like a reference to McDonalds and the Ku Klux Klan.

Lamborghini: Lamborghini will debut their new SUV, said to be named the “Urus”. Observers are suggesting that this may set in motion the opening of the seven seals as prophesised in the Book of Revelations, bringing about an apocalyptic event said to occur at the Urus long lead launch at the Hotel-Du-Cap-Eden-Roc. Others say that it just means that Lamborghini is looking for more customers in emerging markets.

Mercedes-Benz: The CLA Concept Style Coupe will preview the look of a sub C-Class model, confusingly dubbed the CLA. The G63 and G65 AMG will also debut, just in time for Kim Kardashian to drive one on the newest season of her nebulous reality show.

Porsche: With 420 horsepower and a lowered stance, the Cayenne GTS really is just another minutely different special edition of an existing product.

SEAT: The Ibiza Cupra is a small, performance-oriented hatchback with a 178-horsepower 1.4L engine. It ticks all of our boxes and will never come to North America.