Capsule Review: Mercury Sable

She beckoned me. She betrayed me. Like a transvestite with a svelte smooth body, exposed by ungodly rough stubble underneath her lip. The 1990 Mercury Sable had a perfect silhouette that was maligned by two hundred parking lot dings and scratches on her lower front bumper. An older lady had given her some brutal blows to that lower psyche of hers over the years and now it was my turn at the wheel… so to speak. Little did I know that this first encounter would be just the beginning of The Crying Game. This particular example of a Mercury Sable was as unique as it was dichotomous. 47,000 original miles in 18 years. But a base model with a fecal brown exterior. The equally repugnant plaid brown interior did the vehicle no favors. But Hell. For $600 I’d just be willing to cover her up in a paper bag and drive her around town for a while.

And there was the surprise. This older Sable was actually more relaxing to drive than the classic Volvo’s, decrepit Jaguars, or even the downsized Cadillacs that make it to the impound lot auctions that I do on occasion. The 1st generation Sable offered outstanding aerodynamics that literally put all it’s contemporaries to shame (save the Audi 5000 and T-Bird). You put a raindrop on this beauty and the only thing that would have stopped it from going all the way to the ground is the evaporation that came from a blown head gasket or a grenaded tranny.

And alas, there was the true bitch that’s within the Sable’s beauty. Ford’s masterpiece of automotive art had been given a three dollar canvas by the bean counters. In fact, I can’t even find an AXOD transmission in North Georgia due to to the fact that they have all either been used or crushed. The 3.8’s I can find all too easily thanks to Ford putting that in everything from Mustangs to minivans for time immemorial. Come to one of my auctions full of abandoned and sized vehicles. Close your eyes. Throw a rock. Chances are you’ll either hit a Ford with a 3.8 or a Dodge Neon.

The Mercury Sable ended up languishing with junk quality parts for well over a decade and to be honest, Ford never really got their act together. Many people today don’t even know that the Mercury Sable exists which is a shame. Because if Ford had only chosen to give their customers a quality product, there would have never been a Montego. A what? Exactly.