By on April 14, 2016

apple_car_mt

Motor Trend,” TTAC alum and occasional minor-event organizer Brock Yates once declared, “is for people who move their lips when they read.” Were Yates still with us, he’d likely be somewhat less than surprised at the breakneck pace with which MT is attempting to transform itself into a YouTube video first and a magazine-for-morons second. It’s a sound business model; why limit your content to the even vaguely literate when you can break the shackles of the written word entirely and deliver extended advertorials to the lowest possible common denominator?

Of course, it would be both crass and impolite for us to imply that Motor Trend thinks its consumers are complete idiots who will eagerly place their lips on the corporate cloaca of “TEN: The Enthusiast Network” and eagerly lap up whatever poorly digested material is splattered into their open mouths.

It would also be unnecessary, because — as of last night — Motor Trend has made that point for us.


applecar

This Tweet was part of a larger, thoroughly deceptive social-media campaign launched by MT yesterday. Several “spy shots” of a thoroughly generic-looking pod with a glowing Apple logo were tweeted and shared elsewhere:

applecar2

It was patently obvious to most of us that Motor Trend was not going to reveal any sort of Apple Car whatsoever. The first clue: Most of the tweets ended with a question mark, which implies Betteridge’s Law, and the hashtag was always #MTAppleCar, not #AppleCar. The second clue was the car itself, which looked like a rejected prop from the Star Wars Holiday Special.

The folks at HybridCars quoted a commenter who said, “After tweets like that, if they don’t unveil an apple car – no one will take them seriously in the future.” Let’s take a moment to make some headlines of our own.

Will Anyone Take Motor Trend Seriously In The Future?

Is Anyone Taking Them Seriously Now?

Did The New Camaro Really Tell The New Mustang To STEP OUTSIDE?

Can The New Camaro Talk Somehow?

If It Can Talk, Is It Speaking A Language That Only Very Stupid People Can Understand?

At this point, it’s worth noting that Motor Trend’s language and behavior in its social-media campaign was more or less identical to what actual car magazines do when they are trying to shield themselves from spy-photo liability.

What do I mean by that? Well, here’s a typical example: Chris Doane or Brenda Priddy or another photographer snaps a new Acura MDX testing in Ohio. They know it’s the new MDX, because they’ve been tipped-off by a Honda employee. And when they see it driving down Route 33 outside Marysville, they can clearly tell that it’s the proper size and proportions to be an MDX. So they shoot it and then sell it to media outlets who title it: Is This The New MDX? Everybody knows perfectly well that it’s the new MDX; the question mark is there to offer a bit of legal coverage in case Honda gets frisky.

Therefore, even though MT’s Tweets appeared to be the work of some very stupid people and the “spy shots” themselves looked like they’d been stolen from an ad for the University Of Phoenix, it was probably reasonable for people to expect some sort of Apple Car news this morning. Instead, they got this:

video

At first glance, it appears to be a public-access television show dealing with chronic constipation, but it’s actually a 28 minute and 59 second video of people sitting around a table talking about a car that some of them made up. I have to admit that I just scanned through it briefly because after the third time MT’s Ed Loh faced the camera and croaked out his lines while flapping his hands and grimacing like his colon was under alien attack, I actually started to feel my soul attempting to flee my body. I did catch a few seconds featuring some very exciting video footage of an exotic new car; it turned out to be B-roll for the Tesla Model 3.

youlike

The video, which does not feature one thousand dollars’ worth of men’s clothing despite there being six or possibly seven participants at the roundtable, ends with Mr. Loh making a very scary lip-smacking noise before telling you to subscribe to MT‘s YouTube Channel. He doesn’t appear to suggest that you read the magazine itself; not even the rag’s own Editor-In-Chief can do that with a straight face. There’s no telling what news stories MT will feature next, but I have some possible ideas:

Is This The SR-72 Successor To The Famous Blackbird, Or Is It A Model Plane That We Made With Legos?

Is This The Apple Car For Real This Time?

Will The Next Mustang, In Its Turn, As Sure As The Stars Will Cross The Sky, Tell The New Camaro To Step Outside?

Where Are The Snowdens Of Yesteryear?

Are You Really Stupid Enough To Keep Reading, Or Watching?

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79 Comments on “Motor Trend Urinates on the Heads of Its Readers, Tells Them It’s Raining Apple Cars...”


  • avatar
    JimZ

    “Corporate cloaca” has now been added to my vocabulary.

    • 0 avatar
      Lou_BC

      cloaca – sounds better and takes less space than the phrase “basso profundo fetid effluvia” aka loud wet stinky fart.

    • 0 avatar

      “Cloaca”… whatever. What amazes is me is the sheer lack of imagination and vision, the obvious testimony of inbreed, within the box thinking from so many, well, experts – taking in consideration that there are so many new developments going on…

  • avatar
    Laughing Lion

    Oh my God, did Brock die?!

    • 0 avatar
      tkewley

      No. Suffering from presumably advanced Alzheimer’s, but not dead.

    • 0 avatar
      Jack Baruth

      Just “no longer with us” in the sense of “left TTAC in a huff”

      Noted piece of shit Ed Bolian just got done posing with Brock in the hospital:

      http://jackbaruth.com/?p=3483

      • 0 avatar
        ToddAtlasF1

        What makes Ed Bolian’s claims incredible? I don’t know him from Adam, and I don’t have an agenda; but poking around on the internet a bit did nothing to suggest there are cracks in his narrative.

        • 0 avatar
          Jack Baruth

          It’s widely believed in the little community of would-be Cannonballers that he faked his data. He chose DeMuro as his “reporter” because he recognized a fellow congenital liar in the man who used to call himself “M5Power”.

          • 0 avatar
            ToddAtlasF1

            Is he the guy whose great contribution to cross country journeys is chamber pots? I’m too far outside the loop. Didn’t even know Doug is a congenital liar. I don’t follow him closely, but most of what he’s written that I’ve seen seems too superficial to contain many lies. I suppose that doesn’t impact much on how he conducts his life, but the worst liars I know can’t turn it off.

      • 0 avatar
        dukeisduke

        Is that really Yates? I’m not convinced. People don’t just waltz into a “memory care” unit and visit a patient who’s not a relative. Plus, it doesn’t look anything like the Yates I remember from C/D magazines I’ve read, going all the way back to the mid ’70s.

        If this really happened, and it’s really Yates, it’s the lowest of the low. I’ve been a fan of Yates, his writing, and yeah, his politics, too, for 40 years. I was crushed when I heard he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

  • avatar
    VoGo

    Well done, Jack,

    I am tempted to remind you that writers for R&T live in glass houses, but that would be unfair – R&T doesn’t sink to nearly the level MT does.

    • 0 avatar
      Jack Baruth

      Only because we didn’t think of it first.

      • 0 avatar
        johnny_5.0

        Can you harry one of their developers into creating a working RSS feed? Unless I’m missing something, they haven’t had one in a while. I like R&T much better than MT, but with limited free time, I basically don’t read anything without a feed. It seems like an easy way to generate more ad revenue with increased page views.

  • avatar
    laserwizard

    We do know a few things about what an Apple car would look like should Apple decide to go that route.

    It would have three wheels and no spare. Since Apple products never break then a spare is pointless (or Apple could declare it so and that means anyone who puts in a spare tire is behind the times). Three wheels is more efficient and because Apple would do it that means it is instantly superior.

    Apple will only offer the vehicle in one color initially, then crow about adding two other colors, and so your neighbors will know you couldn’t afford the good stuff, the cheap ones will come in colors that Apple chooses that won’t be available when put on sale but will be available whenever Apple sees enough presales of that color.

    Apple will go into its development cycle of starting at one size, increasing it, then making it smaller and repeating. Apple consumers are taken in by changes of size; and you are guaranteed that the Apple car you buy today is already obsolete and that Apple has the car they should have launched today ready to sell in a year. That is called innovation at Apple.

    Apple will sell you a car that will work for only two or three years and then it won’t be able to upgraded with operating software; you will be orphaned and you will be forced to buy a new Apple car because some wonderful item that they know about today won’t be added until after you have bought your car today.

    Apple. Because we do it the way we do it – it is always superior.

    • 0 avatar
      Drzhivago138

      Never mind that Apple usually supports a product for 5+ years…

    • 0 avatar
      IAhawkeye

      Nevermind the fact that my Apple phone works better then both my Galaxy S3 and S5. Yeah, I understand they weren’t allegedly “the best” android phones you could buy, but they were the best best sellers. The biggest difference between my S5 and 6s is everything on my 6s just works, just right, right out of the box. I’m not into tech, so I have no use for the customization or whatever android supposedly offers over iOS. I’ll probably never go back.

      • 0 avatar

        “I’m not into tech, so I have no use for the customization or whatever android supposedly offers over iOS.”

        Then I’d absolutely recommend an iPhone to you all day. I’m in IT, so I need the ability to do certain things the iPhone makes prohibitively difficult.

      • 0 avatar
        gearhead77

        I had one Android phone and I share your opinion. Both my iPhones since have just worked and worked well. I’m no Luddite, but I don’t need (or want) to hack and tweak something that just works. Not so much with the Android I had (which was an early HTC).

        My only complaint is battery life in the Apples gets weak as the years wear on, but this is probably a combination of using it more and planned obsolescence. And I don’t bury myself in my phone, but I do use it as the tool it can be.

    • 0 avatar

      They’ll sell the cars like they do their hardware and the amount on of-board RAM it includes.

      So the base model will be gorgeous and rile up the fashionistas and the like, but you’ll have to pony up $1000 to have rear seats or maybe a fuel cap, or the like. You know, the stuff you need outside the fluff.

      I can just see a line of idolaters lined up outside the dealership for the Day 1 launch.

    • 0 avatar
      dal20402

      At least it’s not an Android car.

      An Android carmaker would only bother with safety recalls for the first six months, would throw in every available feature but not spend the time to test them to see if they actually work, would only test the cooling system out on the road next to its offices, would buy the engine from a third party and then make a bunch of haphazard design changes that would make it worse, and would design the dash as an impenetrable jumble of random buttons, knobs and touchscreens.

      • 0 avatar

        No, see, it’d work fine out of the lot, but when you updated the ECM or something at the dealership with Google’s latest update, your audio system would die, your AC dials would only acknowledge “off” or “full blast”, and you’d find three hundred people complaining about it online on some random board, because Google sure as hell wouldn’t address it in public.

      • 0 avatar
        Ryoku75

        Ugh, as much as I dislike Apple products, I’m not happy with my Galaxy 6S texting being bugged up.

        All Smartphone companys are a bit short when it comes to “engineering”.

  • avatar
    nickoo

    Mt might as well rename themselves to chevy trend. Their total —- job for the new camaro is disgusting.

    • 0 avatar
      gearhead77

      MT should have always been General Motors Trend. And the Car of the Year thing is even worse. You can accuse C&D of having a bias toward BMW and Honda, but you had to READ to discover that. Motor Trend always threw it right out on the cover.

  • avatar
    Verbal

    Motor Trend never met a car it didn’t like.

  • avatar
    DeadWeight

    “I have to admit that I just scanned through it briefly because after the third time MT’s Ed Loh faced the camera and croaked out his lines while flapping his hands and grimacing like his colon was under alien attack, I actually started to feel my soul attempting to flee my body.”

    HAHAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

    DAnny More

    F’ing walking cliches @ Motor Trend.

    One could literally publish a coffee table book titled “Common Cliches To Describe Various Aspects of Driving A Motor Vehicle by MotorTrend Authors” and flll all 96 pages.

    When/If the new “Apple Car” does debut, Tony Swan will test drive it using open finger, saddle brown, English driving gloves, with aerial-angle shots of him taking high-speed sweepers.

    • 0 avatar
      dougjp

      ” I just scanned through it briefly because after the third time MT’s Ed Loh faced the camera and croaked out his lines while flapping his hands and grimacing like his colon was under alien attack, I actually started to feel my soul attempting to flee my body”

      That’s a classic quote right there!

  • avatar
    SomeGuy

    Love the crapping on MT. I hate this magazine. My subscription is running out. I just look at the photos and then chuck the thing.

    I am guilty of watching the videos, as some of them are good and Randy is a great driver IMO. I’m sure even you will admit Randy Probst is the shining star for MT’s video channel right?

    You need to be on Farah’s podcast every week.

    • 0 avatar
      johnny_5.0

      I ‘read’ Autoblog strictly for the good photos, and their viewer is better mobile optimized. I ‘read’ MotorTrend by looking at the stats, and reading whatever they paraphrased Randy as saying. Basically everyone else there can go frack themselves. Lame ass “reviews” of cars that don’t even talk about basic driving dynamics or shift feel other than possibly inserting some cliche they’ve read elsewhere. They utterly ignore whatever faults exist in a click generating new/refreshed car, whether they are small or enormous. Does it plow in corners like a pig? Their review won’t tell you. Is it nearly impossible to drive without some form of BLIS because the visibility is so bad? You’ll read 4 reviews of a new car that never mention visibility. Another pet peeve is when they started labeling ‘first look’ content as a “review”. It isn’t a review, it’s a regurgitated press release without any useful insight added. At least C&D tends to do a deeper dive of mechanical changes.

      And wholly hell, the top SEVEN stories are about their made up Apple Car.

      • 0 avatar
        whynot

        I read Autoblog because they are generally quick at putting up stories and will of course copy every press release given to them, excuse me cover every story, so good for getting a quick scan on the latest news. Then I wait for other sites to cover the story for the color commentary.

    • 0 avatar
      SSJeep

      MT most assuredly sucks, and this fiasco should prove that beyond any reasonable doubt.

      But MT is just one of a long line of media outlets that has clamped onto the Apple teat in hopes of generating a few more clicks and another $11.23 in ad revenue. It seems that every time someone at Apple farts, there are thousands of websites, magazines, and newscasts guessing what the anonymous Apple farter had for dinner last night.

  • avatar
    PeriSoft

    I’ve got your Apple Car right here: technobuffalo.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/apple-car-concept-3.jpg

  • avatar
    derekson

    Motor Trend has to be pretty desperate for readership and video viewers if they’re resorting to this kind of campaign over what basically amounts to nothing.

  • avatar
    JimZ

    yeah, they just put the actual “story” up. What a waste of effort.

  • avatar

    Articles like this are why I frequent TTAC daily.

    Motor Trend was fun reading…back when I was 13. Haven’t read an issue in 40 years and don’t intend to start now.

    Funny, there’s so much crap on the Internet.

    My wife was suckered in by Gear Heads’ link to an electric VW Microbus revival…which, of course, turned out to be the Bulli concept. To her credit, she doesn’t get taken by much…but I told her about the FB link where Gear Heads photoshopped a Challenger and tried to pass it off as an upcoming Chevelle…”CONFIRMED! CHEVROLET BRINGS BACK CHEVELLE FOR 2016!!!” And because I hadn’t seen any such rumor on TTAC, Autoextremist or a couple other sites I frequent, I immediately knew Gear Heads was spewing total BS.

    Not to mention a more-than-casual look at the “Chevelle” really reveals its Dodge-ness.

    A similar clickbait site – whose name isn’t nearly as catchy as “Gear Heads” – shows a photoshopped Malibu, suggesting GM will also revive El Camino.

    I’ll admit to still reading Hot Rod but that’s a completely different audience, and the tech articles are always informative.

    Keep doin’ what you’re doin’ Jack. You’re the heart & soul of TTAC.

    • 0 avatar

      I WILL give Motor Trend this: Back in the early 70’s…and I’m SURE it was MT, not C&D – I had subscriptions to both as a teen…they wrote an article about defensive driving called “You Can Choose Your Accident” or something like that. It dealt with situations where a crash is unavoidable and how to minimize the damage and injury. Lot of common sense stuff that’s stuck with me to this day and made me a safer and better driver.

      • 0 avatar
        redmondjp

        My dad subscribed to both MT and C&D back in the 1970s-80s. It was a different world back then, in the pre-internet days.

        • 0 avatar
          Acd

          MT was terrible even back then and ran their share of articles about mid-engine Corvettes and other cars that would never exist so this isn’t new for them.

          • 0 avatar
            gearhead77

            Yeah, MT has always worn it’s GM fanboy-ness (or whoever paid for COTY) on its sleeve, even before the interwebs.

        • 0 avatar
          VolandoBajo

          MT different back in the day? Not hardly, always the king of shill…C&D and R&T both had a lot of good material mid-century+, but MT was the laughingstock even of junior high school boys first discovering cars, even back then.

          I know, I was one of them.

  • avatar
    sportyaccordy

    I could just be picking up on something that isn’t there, but I’m getting a little hunch that J Bar does not think fondly of Motor Trend or its staff of writers.

    You have to give them credit… they know how to market themselves. I bought a subscription to their on demand video service, and it only took me a month to realize what an epic waste of money it was, considering all their original content gets released a month later and I have zero interest in motorsports that doesn’t start with Moto and end in GP. Sadly, building buzz and effectively self marketing goes much further than good journalism…. just ask the former Moto USA team

  • avatar
    Kyree S. Williams

    To people who *seriously* think Apple is building a car:

    Why would Apple—which enjoys tremendous profits and a ubiquitous reputation for standards of design and interface leadership—foray into the low-profit, highly-regulated, more-trouble-than-it’s-worth automotive industry by launching its own vehicle?

    Apple might start supplying automakers with interface software beyond CarPlay (like for instrument panels), but an actual car?

    As if.

    • 0 avatar
      28-Cars-Later

      Why does Tesla exist then if its not the right move?

      • 0 avatar
        Kyree S. Williams

        It probably *is* the right move for a company like Tesla, which hasn’t turned a profit and won’t do so for quite some time. But for a company that is already publicly-traded—whose investors won’t want to piss money into the wind—and that enjoys insane profits on its existing products to venture into a high-risk, low-reward endeavor like building a car? I just don’t see it. Cars and laptops aren’t even in the same universe when it comes to costs and logistics.

        It’d be like if a small, but well-known candy company decided that because it was so successful selling its chocolates all over the world, the next course of action would be to set up a national chain of supermarkets and take on Walmart.

      • 0 avatar
        sportyaccordy

        I hate to go here as this is a trigger for B&B’s foggiest mouth breathers, but obviously govt regulation

        And also, the bottomless pit that is Elon Musk’s ego.

        • 0 avatar
          DeadWeight

          SportyAccord – Your penchant for ad hominem attacks against other B&B members is only surpassed by your ignorance (ignorance is a lack of knowledge, and calling one ignorant is not an ad hominem attack, as say, calling them stupid would be).

          If you think gov’t regulation is one of the pillars that will drag Apple, kicking and screaming, into manufacturing road-going vehicles, you’re even more ignorant than I’d previously given you credit for.

          • 0 avatar
            ToddAtlasF1

            I think what SportyAccordy is pointing out is that Tesla went into making cars to exploit government regulations that will ensure plenty of revenue streams, if not actual profits. Apple, on the other hand, has a real business model where they produce goods and sell them to voluntary buyers for greater than cost. Apple doesn’t need to fret about whether or not the electorate will come to its senses and remove its subsidies, because their sales don’t involve specific subsidies.

    • 0 avatar
      wumpus

      Since Apple (and virtually all other electronic “manufacturers” outsource the entire manufacturing process*), it might actually be that profitable to make an “apple car” that is much an apple car as the “Eddie Bauer” trucks aren’t Fords. I don’t expect it, but it might make a ton of money.

      * exceptions are Intel and Foxconn. And I wouldn’t be certain of Foxconn branded parts not being made by someone else. And I don’t think Intel manufacturing ever touched an Intel manufactured SSD drive (with the possible exception of the chips).

    • 0 avatar

      In the 80’s and 90’s, Gates chased profit in software. Jobs chased profit in hardware. For thirty years, Gates was proven right, until suddenly Jobs was also proven right as well.

      With the right window dressing and buzz, you can make money off hardware. Apple is about the user experience. If they can bring a better user experience to vehicles, they can make money off that hardware too. All they need is the buzz. They can bring the buzz.

      • 0 avatar
        redmondjp

        With the difference being this:

        The software profits were mostly generated by domestic workers in America.

        Apple’s hardware profits are on the backs of Chinese factory workers, working under conditions so bad that they actually have suicide prevention nets on the outsides of the dormitories where they live.

  • avatar
    laphoneuser

    “…and the “spy shots” themselves looked like they’d been stolen from an ad for the University Of Phoenix”

    Thank you for the belly laugh from that one.

  • avatar
    Nessuno

    Ou sont les Neigedens d’antan?

    +456 for the Catch 22 reference.

  • avatar
    cgjeep

    The Apple Car has probably already won MT car of the Year award.

    • 0 avatar
      VoGo

      Depends on what they are paying. Dodge Journey would win if FCA plays ball.

    • 0 avatar
      gottacook

      I gave up on Motor Trend after they gave Car of the Year to the 1974 Mustang II and moreover called it the obvious choice…

      • 0 avatar
        redmondjp

        Compared to the gutless bloat that was the 1973 Mustang, one could say that the Mustang II got back to the car’s original roots.

        Were you even alive during that era?

      • 0 avatar
        JimZ

        the Mustang II sold almost 400,000 units its first year.

      • 0 avatar
        gottacook

        Seriously, asking whether I was alive then? I was already driving then – my mother’s ’67 GTO (with a/c and automatic on the column), to be precise.

        I saw the COTY 1974 issue when it came out. However, the only issue of MT that I ever actually purchased was the July? 1970 issue with cover story about (what were supposed to be) the new-for-’71 GM and Ford cars.

        The Mustang II sold well at first because of what happened to fuel prices starting in fall 1973. But it was an ill-proportioned Pinto-in-disguise, and still is. If you want to call that “getting back to the car’s original roots,” I can go along with that – because the original Mustang bears the same relation to the Falcon that the II does to the Pinto.

  • avatar

    THE NEW APPLE CAR LOWERS ITS BLACK PLASTIC EYEGLASSES AT THE LEAF.

  • avatar
    myheadhertz

    Motor Trend is a great medium for selling watches and other trinkets that have 85%+ profit margins.

  • avatar
    TrailerTrash

    All of it ends with TCTY being the Camaro.
    Really?
    Of ALL the new cars…the Camaro?
    How is this a better all around new car than even the Miata???????????

  • avatar
    old5.0

    Jeez, the Star Wars Christmas Special, University of Phoenix and Ed Loh? C’mon Jack, was this just an exercise to see how much failure you could pack into one post?

  • avatar
    Chets Jalopy

    The loneliness of the late-night commenter…but at least I get the run of the place.

    Trolling Motor Trend is fun and it fills the news hole on a slow day. But, Jack’s prose is always the literary porn the B&B are happy to glad hand.

  • avatar

    This is nothing new. Forty years ago, the only time I read Motor Trend was at the barber or in a doctor’s waiting room. I’ve had subscriptions to Road & Track, Car and Driver, and Autoweek and for a while regularly bought CAR from the UK, but I can’t recall buying even a single issue of MT.

  • avatar
    Maymar

    “…does not feature one thousand dollars’ worth of men’s clothing despite there being six or possibly seven participants at the roundtable.”

    Be honest Jack, you never really wanted to get on with Road & Track, you’re playing the long game, trying to curry favor with the Hearst group so you can jump over to Esquire.

  • avatar

    I suspect this may be the dumbest article that Jack has ever penned. But even the greats pee it down their legs once in a great while (please pardon the pun).

  • avatar
    zip89105

    It’s hard to believe anything GMotor Trend has to say.

  • avatar
    e30gator

    Editor mudslinging writ large.
    Donald Baruth ’16!
    Sour grapes much?

  • avatar
    71charger_fan

    I subscribed to Motor Trend because it cost next to nothing and it gave me something to thumb through while in the bathroom. After a while, I found I was reading almost none of it. I emailed them and told them to just cancel my subscription as I just didn’t want to receive it anymore. I thought it odd that no one even cared why I didn’t want it anymore.

  • avatar
    Felis Concolor

    “This apple juice is terrible!”

    “Alright, which one of you jokers switched my urine sample?!”

  • avatar
    dukeisduke

    I was a subscriber of MT back in the early ’70s, and even then it was pretty lame. The “In Retrospect” articles on classic cars were about the only worthwhile thing, so after a couple of years I moved on to C/D and R&T.


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