Bark's Bites: The Foolish Indiscretion of Youth, Plus One Porsche

barks bites the foolish indiscretion of youth plus one porsche

There is much discussion on this site about Porsche ownership and the joys and perils therein. David Walton has opined about his very positive 993 purchase and experience. The EIC, owner of a few Porsches himself, has lamented the recent decline of Porsche, both from a product and merchandising perspective. However, there is one TTAC contributor whose Porsche ownership experience predates even theirs. That’s right, it’s your dear friend, Bark M.

The year was 1999. The scene? The lush campus of The Ohio State University in the serene Midwestern metropolis of Columbus, Ohio. I had just turned in my 1996 Infiniti G20 at the end of a thirty-six month lease, and, much to the chagrin of my father (who had been paying for it), it had been a very painful experience. Three years in the streets, parking lots, and loading zones of the world’s largest college campus had not been kind to my rebadged Primera. There were several dings in each panel, and my band’s touring schedule throughout the Midwest meant that I was about fifteen thousand miles over my 36,000 mile limit. Yikes.

So after he wrote a five thousand dollar check to cover my mistakes, Dad made it explicit, in both senses of the word, that I would be paying for my next car. Uh-oh. My part-time job at Sam Ash Music, plus my weekend music gigs, didn’t add up to a whole lot of income. I figured that I could probably afford about $200 a month for a car payment, which was sounding dangerously like used Civic territory. So what was a college kid who was used to cruising campus in a relatively swanky ride to do?

Dad picked me up from my campus apartment early on a Saturday morning and took me used car shopping. My incredibly spoiled self could barely contain my disgust and disdain as we looked at one early Nineties sedan after another in various states of disrepair. The blue velour interiors in Accords. The female-repelling exterior designs of Stanzas. Escorts and Cavaliers sneering at me. I just couldn’t take it.

But wait. As we were driving from one dealership to the next, there it was, a golden savior sitting on the lawn in front of an apartment complex. A beautiful, masculine, exotic, tantalizing Porsche 944. And the “For Sale” sign indicated a cost of only $10,000! My eyes brightened immediately as I turned to look at my father from the passenger seat of his Infiniti QX4.

“Don’t get any stupid ideas. This is Ohio. What the f—k are you going to drive in the winter?” I shrank back down in my seat, defeated and deflated. I was going to end up with a Ford Taurus. I was never going to get a date again. I sulked through the rest of the day. Finally, Dad pulled into a small independent lot near his subdivision. This dealer was of the upscale import variety, stocking a host of BMW, Audis, Mercedes, and even some Italian cars. I honestly had no idea why he had decided to stop by this lot — there was clearly nothing here for me at $200 or less a month.

Apparently, the old man had another idea. Sitting in the corner of the lot, almost as an embarrassment among the other high-line imports, was…no, wait…really…another Porsche 944, resplendent in red! Okay, so this one looked a little bit rougher than the gold example from earlier in the day, but it was still a PORSCHE! And the sticker on this one was only eight grand.

“How are these things in the snow?” Dad asked the gruff salesman, who clearly had bigger and more important cars to sell than the poor little four-banger.

“Terrible.” He flicked aside the remains of his cigar. “If you want a car that’s good in the snow, go buy a Honda or a Nissan.” Dad glared at me.

“Yeah, we tried that.”

I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the keys. The salesman reluctantly went out on a test drive with me. We took a jaunt through the country roads of Delaware County, and I tried to remain cool as I drove a rear-wheel drive car for only the second time in my life (see a future volume of Bark’s Bites for “How I blew up somebody else’s FD”). It was a 1988 model with a 2.7 liter engine. It had leather seats, a CD changer that the previous owner had installed, and even a car phone in the passenger seat footwell! Oh, man. So what if it had 144,000 miles on the clock? It had a manila folder full of service records in the back seat, AND it had been traded in by the hottest female news anchor in the city-she only sold the car because her super-wealthy husband had bought her an identical convertible version.

I knew it was just going to be perfect.

My dad was waiting for us upon my return. “Dad,” I said breathlessly, “I’ll take it.” He looked at me, knowing full well what type of decision I was making, and said, “Fine. You can buy it.” We negotiated the price down to $7000 and just like that, I was a proud future PCA member.

First stop after delivery? My friend-of-a-friend who was a master Porsche mechanic (yes, I said AFTER delivery). He pulled out the service records from the backseat. Everything had been done at Blagoi’s, an extremely reputable import repair shop at the time in Columbus. Further reading of the service records indicated that the timing belt had been recently replaced, which was apparently a real bugbear with the 944. He gave the car his seal of approval. After I told him who had owned the car previously, he looked me in the eye in the creepiest way possible and said, “Mmmmm. Sniff those seats.”

I named the Porsche Hermann and I loved it like a brother. I drove that car EVERYWHERE. I experienced firsthand how women who didn’t know anything about cars sure as hell knew that I had a Porsche; and they didn’t even know it was an eleven-year old example of the “entry-level” Porsche, either! I landed a girlfriend who was six years older. She had a real job and a real apartment in the city, and people thought that I was her wealthy boyfriend. I bought a set of Blizzaks for it to run in the winter, and it plowed through the snow problem-free all season long. Somebody smashed a beer bottle against the windshield at a bar one night, and the windshield won! In short, it was perfect, just like I had known it would be. Sure, it head a head gasket issue that cost me $99 one time, and yes, it leaked oil on my dad’s previously pristine driveway once, (I was there for that, it nearly resulted in Bark’s premature death —- JB) but other than that, it was perfect.

All was right with the world on the February day I drove it up State Route 315 from campus toward my brother’s house for dinner. I zipped through traffic, ignoring the speed rating on the Blizzaks and pushing the car up near triple digits. The Porsche had worked its remarkable magic yet again that day, this time on the Korean waitress at Damon’s who was really only a waitress one day a week so that she could hide her income from stripping at night. I looked down at her number written on a napkin on my passenger seat, and said, “Thanks, Hermann. We’re not a bad team, you and I.”

In that instant, everything changed. As I swerved over to exit on Bethel Road, a construction vehicle that had been working on the overpass backed in front of me on the off ramp. I was faced with an instant decision: plow into the side of it or go off the road. I chose to go off. The Blizzaks didn’t much care for hitting the dirt at ninety-plus miles per hour and instantly threw me into a spin. I countersteered as hard as possible to no avail, only slowing the car enough to make the inevitable much less painful.

The inevitable was a breakaway light post, situated right next to the ramp. Hermann smacked it with his front left fender, creating a remarkable thud, slicing it at the base and sending it tumbling down the ramp where it came to a rest across two lanes of the freeway. Unfortunately, it landed on the trunk of a passerby first.

I sat frozen in the black leather Recaro, horrified at what had just happened. I looked out of my window to see other drivers stopping and getting out of their cars. Thank God, I thought. They’re coming to help me. Turned out they were just stopping to move the light post out of the way of traffic, and then they got back into their cars and drove away. The worker who had been driving the construction vehicle quickly decided that he wanted no part of this story and hightailed it out of there, and so did the rest of the crew.

Luckily, this was 1999, and I had just purchased My First Cell Phone from Sprint a few weeks before. I stopped shaking just enough to dial my insurance company. I told them what happened and then dialed my brother and told him what happened. I couldn’t dial the number stored under “Dad.” Not just yet. I couldn’t face that wrath just yet.

Fifteen minutes later, my brother showed up, driving his Land Rover Discovery the wrong way down the off ramp. He photographed everything, including the tire tracks showing where the construction vehicle had backed out in front of me. A cop showed up, took one look at a college punk driving a Porsche, and immediately cited me for failure to control (A month later, The City of Columbus would send me a $756 invoice for “Breakaway Light Post, one”).

Heartbroken and terrified, I watched as the tow truck came to take Hermann away to Achbach Auto Industries, where I already knew they would declare him to be a total loss. My brother was kind enough to lend me his Plymouth Colt until my insurance company was able to cut me a check for my car, but strangely my new Korean friend wasn’t as impressed by me sitting behind the wheel of it.

In a week or so, I had a check for $1500 in my pocket and a decision to make: Find another 944 or make a more sensible choice? Well, it turns out I didn’t have much of a choice at all. When I finally did make that call to Dad, he wasn’t too keen on co-signing for another Porsche for me. I took my check to the closest Hyundai dealer and bought a 2000 Hyundai Tiburon in black. The ladies sure didn’t love it as much. It wasn’t rear-wheel drive. It sure as hell wasn’t a Porsche. And after my brush with a light post, that was just fine with me.

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  • Hgrunt Hgrunt on Nov 20, 2013

    Love the story! I'm convinced every car guy has thought about owning one at some point. I've spent hours reading about them and fantasizing about owning one, but I just haven't worked up the guts to do it yet. I was able to drive a 944 once, but it wasn't a great example. It belonged to my friend's then-girlfriend, who had gotten it for free from her previous boyfriend, who'd moved onto a WRX or something. It had dry-rotted tires, grinding into 1st when trying to move from a stop, the HVAC blowing only hot air, and it'd overheat if you put it in neutral (even going downhill) but not if you kept it in gear. Despite all that, I loved how it drove. A few months later, she called me to ask if I wanted to buy it for $1500 and I declined.

  • Coolbreeze Coolbreeze on Nov 21, 2013

    Here is my 944 History. Three Cars, Three Ladies, a True 944 Love Story. It started when I was a senior in high school and the 924 morphed into the 944. The automotive press was ablaze: amazing handling, reasonable price, gorgeous looks, German engineering. An aspiration for a college bound middle class youth. With half of a 928 engine, good mpg, beautiful curves…just a dream. Ten year later I drove my first one. College and Med School complete, I was in residency and had a dynamic and beautiful live-in girlfriend. She bought a Silver 84 at my urging for 5k after her 300zx was stolen from my driveway and totaled. It was fast, sleek, and seductive. Sure, the odometer was broken, the maintenance records had been faked and before long it required a transmission syncro, but I was hooked. As the woman and the car started to slip away, I bought a better replacement (for the car). I purchased a single owner white 86 with real maintenance records and a new timing belt and water pump. The woman and I danced together a while longer, each with our own 944, until one day she and the silver 944 drove into the sunset. The 86 served me well for many years. It was the perfect bachelor car. It cleaned up nicely for a hot date, and could haul a mountain bike, camping gear and a week’s supplies for a solo vacation. The rear transaxle placement was a design masterpiece. When pushed too hard in a corner, let off the gas and it would settle in and slow down. No trailing throttle oversteer here. Again due to the rear transaxle, it handled moderate snow much better than any sports car had a right to. It would give 30mpg at 80mph, and push into triple digits without hesitation. Six or seven years and 100k miles later things started to change. Maintenance started to accumulate. I needed a new ride. I wanted a low mileage 944 turbo, but I hadn’t made a dent in my educational loans. A new woman came into my life that would turn into more than a hot date. Then I saw it in an ad. Guards Red 1984 with an aftermarket Eaton Supercharger for $3500. My home where I lived when the first two 944’s in my life were purchased and where I lived again at that time was on Eaton street. It was my destiny. Only one problem, it was 600 miles away in Colorado Springs. I did what any bachelor would. I bought a round trip ticket to Denver with the hope to only use the first half. I got a cab at the airport and explained my quest to the driver. He offered me a flat rate to the car and agreed to wait for the return back to the airport if I didn’t buy it. I couldn’t really test drive it in the snow very well, but I laid down my cash, waved off the cab, and started the 10 hour drive home in my “spare” 944. I repainted it. It glowed. It knocked. I added water injection. I picked up some 911 Alloys with autocross rubber. It launched like a missile. It stopped running (some sensor), I parked it. I drove the 86. It got bumped leaving a parking lot. I took the insurance money and did not fix it. The new woman backed into the red 84 while it was sitting in the driveway. She did it again. The water pump went out on the 86 (it was time). Neither one would move. She gave me a ride to work in her Corolla and said “Do you see a problem here, you have two sports cars and neither one works?” I replied, “No, they can both be fixed.” That weekend she said something like “You are going shopping this weekend. Are you shopping for a reliable new car, or a new girlfriend?” I thought about it longer than I would now care to admit and chose the woman who is now my wife over the 944’s. We did not know it yet, but she was pregnant. I fixed the 944’s enough to sell them. It was painful to close that chapter. Our daughter is now 11. One day about six months ago I saw the supercharged 944 (I recognized the wheels) cross in front of me at a light as I was driving her home. I exclaimed excitedly, “Did you see that red sports car? I used to own that car.” She replied, “Mom would never let you own a car like that.” I looked at her in the back seat of our 2012 Camry and answered, “You’re right.” I smiled at her knowing I had made the right choice.

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    • Mnm4ever Mnm4ever on Nov 21, 2013

      So basically, you worked your way through med school and I assume you are now a doctor, your wife made you choose between a fairly cheap "toy" and her, and now you drive a Camry and your 11yo daughter can clearly see that your wife still controls you and your car choices. Sounds like a sad story to me. Buy yourself another 944... you deserve it man.

  • FreedMike Back in the '70s, the one thing keeping consumers from buying more Datsuns was styling - these guys were bringing over some of the ugliest product imaginable. Remember the F10? As hard as I try to blot that rolling aberration from my memory, it comes back. So the name change to Nissan made sense, and happened right as they started bringing over good-looking product (like the Maxima that will be featured in this series). They made a pretty clean break.
  • Flowerplough Liability - Autonomous vehicles must be programmed to make life-ending decisions, and who wants to risk that? Hit the moose or dive into the steep grassy ditch? Ram the sudden pile up that is occurring mere feet in front of the bumper or scan the oncoming lane and swing left? Ram the rogue machine that suddenly swung into my lane, head on, or hop up onto the sidewalk and maybe bump a pedestrian? With no driver involved, Ford/Volkswagen or GM or whomever will bear full responsibility and, in America, be ambulance-chaser sued into bankruptcy and extinction in well under a decade. Or maybe the yuge corporations will get special, good-faith, immunity laws, nation-wide? Yeah, that's the ticket.
  • FreedMike It's not that consumers wouldn't want this tech in theory - I think they would. Honestly, the idea of a car that can take over the truly tedious driving stuff that drives me bonkers - like sitting in traffic - appeals to me. But there's no way I'd put my property and my life in the hands of tech that's clearly not ready for prime time, and neither would the majority of other drivers. If they want this tech to sell, they need to get it right.
  • TitaniumZ Of course they are starting to "sour" on the idea. That's what happens when cars start to drive better than people. Humanpilots mostly suck and make bad decisions.
  • Inside Looking Out Why not buy Bronco and call it Defender? Who will notice?