By on April 12, 2012

When a truck gets turned into a band’s wretched gig-rig, you know it’s on its last owner prior to entering The Crusher’s waiting room. The same can be said about any car owned by Juggalos. Likewise, when a bunch of Denver/Boulder skater/snowboarder dudes get hold of a cargo van, that’s the end of the line. Here’s a thoroughly used-up Chevy G20 van that I spotted at a Denver self-service yard earlier in the week.
When you need to haul a dozen or so of your ragin’-est, board-equipped droogs to the mountains/the pot dispensary/the dry swimming pool, nothing beats a great big windowless Molester Van for the task. You’ve got room for all your gear, plus cases of the local suds (and maybe even stronger stuff), and The Man can’t see everyone passing around the Sour-Diesel-packed four-footer in the back. Can you smell the stale weed smoke and sweaty socks through your computer screen?
Of course, sometimes conflicts arise over who gets the only passenger seat in the van. You can sit on a case of beer in the back and fight over who gets the proper seat… or you can establish a “Shotgun Code” for passengers. Note the enlightened vagina-beats-marijuana policy— these smooth-talkin’ dudes probably had no difficulty enticing XX-chromosome-equipped individuals into this totally unthreatening vehicle! There’s a stonily-executed nekkid-chick mural in the gallery, for those of you who aren’t reading this in The Man’s uptight cube farm.
Personally, I think the irony of using a GM “Dustbuster” minivan makes for a better Dudely Van™, but you take what you can get for $200 on Craigslist.

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12 Comments on “Junkyard Find, Dude: 1988 Skater-ized Chevrolet Van...”

  • avatar

    No. I have never seen that van before. It is not mine. I have no idea whose van it is. No, I never rode in that van before. I was in it once, but that was because it was raining and I needed some place to sit til it stopped. No, I never saw anything going on in it that was illegal. No, I didn’t think that was illegal. He said it wasn’t illegal. I didn’t know it was. Why? What’s the big deal? Yeah, so perhaps I took a couple of hits. I didn’t know there was pot in it. It was medical pot because I have a disability, man! It helps my, uh, my uh, umm, BACK pain! See? It’s working! I can touch my knees now. I needed that stuff because I was in such unbelievable pain!

    No, I never met that guy before. No, I didn’t know him. I only met him once before. I think he used to be my college roommate one time, a long time ago. Last year. It was raining, and he looked familiar. I kinda remembered him. I didn’t know it was his van. I didn’t know he still had it. I was there when he bought it, yeah, but I didn’t use any of my money to buy it. That’s my parent’s check. He only borrowed it to buy the van. Yeah, I’m technically the cosigner, but I never really owned the van. Sometimes I would drive it, but Weedvill usually had it to sleep in it. OK – so it’s technically my van, but I never was, you know, the owner, per se.

    I don’t know who she was. Weedvill said she was cool and old enough. You know how that goes. No, she wasn’t smoking pot. Well, look at her. You can see by her red eyes that she needed that pot for medicinal reasons. She has eye problems. Hey, it works for both eyes and back. She only smoked a little of mine. No, I didn’t write that stuff in the van about being a passenger. No, that wasn’t the pen I wrote it with. It was just a joke, no one took that stuff I wrote seriously.

    I didn’t know there was beer in the van. Weedvill lives in it. He just borrowed some of my money to buy the beer. That’s not the recept. Yeah, that’s my debit card number, but Weedvill borrowed it. Well, I had to buy the beer because Weedvill was busy with what’s her name. They didn’t do anything illegal back there. I didn’t think that was illegal. Why? Why would it be? I bet he didn’t know how old she was either.

    OK, ok – hey, listen. You need to lighten up guy. You, you know, are like a guy, and you kinda know, right? What if I helped you out, you know, dude to dude. You could probably use some stuff, right? C’mon, laugh with me! This is funny! What if I just, put some of this money right here and like, LOST IT? Eh? No one is the wiser, right man? Bribe? I wasn’t trying to bribe you! Wha – wah -what are you talking about man?

    Hey, don’t need to act like that! It’s just me, man – and Weedvill . Stop crying Weedvill ! He’s not serious, right? You aren’t serious! Hey, watch how you put on those cuffs! Aw, man – the Miranda Rights? I don’t need to do this, right? You aren’t listening – this is not my van.

    JEEZ. Murilee? I’m kinda in a jam, dude…

  • avatar

    “The Shotgun Code” photo overlaid with a 2012 Chrysler Town & Country ad… Priceless.

    I wonder if it ever occurred to the marketing folks that these ads might wind up appearing to endorse some sketchy photos?

    • 0 avatar

      Even in the corporately-rented Chrysler minivans I’ve driven/ridden in for company trips recently, vagina still overrode…well, everything else when it came to shotgun status. (We didn’t have any marijuana.) So there’s your tie-in with the T&C ad.

  • avatar

    words to live by. the cave drawings would be an archaeological find in 50 years, if this van wasn’t going to be processed into a cube of Chinese steel. if only to assess how large and seemingly fake the breasts of our modern women were. and i guess they must have removed the mattress/sofa/lawn chair ad hoc furniture.

    • 0 avatar

      Hah, in my mind that was the first thought that came to me when I saw it. It has that late-90s/early-00’s anime-inspired drawing style but her breasts are like two cantaloupes stitched onto her body. I would say it’s actually quality work but I have a nagging suspicion it was traced on.

      That being said…I have nothing quite so elegant. It’s a really awful van and who in their right mind or drug-addled in this case thought a windowless and loose cargo hold would be a smart place to be as you travel down the rode at 60 MPH?

  • avatar

    I wonder how many times they got kicked out of A-Basin.

    I always thought a van like that (or a pickup) would do well charging back country skiers a dollar each for a ride to the top of Loveland Pass. It would have made a neat weekend business back when gas was about $1.20 a gallon.

  • avatar

    Skaters were the last stop for my first car in 86. A 68 SportFury Wagon. I actually was probably the end, when I cut the roof off with a rented carbide saw in my girlfriends driveway. It was fun with 3 rows of seats and no top but the electrical was a mess. I bought it for $400 sold it for $200. Then my buddy bought it back from the Punks and pulled the 383 for one of his projects. A 300 convertible I think.

  • avatar

    Even in the junkyard it looks better than the 71ish Dodge van I drove around during my time with the mighty Three Weeks In Juvie. Not sure who actually owned it, but our singer/guitarist would loan it out to other bands as needed. It also had a rules list taped to the dash.
    It had gas when you took it, put gas in before you return it.
    The side door is bolted shut for a reason. DO NOT TRY TO OPEN IT!!
    If you bring it in, take it out. If I get busted because you left something behind, I’ll kick your f****** ass every time I see you.
    If I find anything I’ll sell it and keep the money.

    That thing was a horrible pos that wouldn’t have been allowed on the road in most third world countries. God I miss it.

  • avatar

    Funny the DustBuster van was mentioned… When I was making my mad dash from Berlin to Stockholm last summer to catch a boat to Helsinki, around 1am we stopped at a McDonalds in the middle of nowhere in the Swedish countryside. One of said DustBusters, badged as a Pontiac, I believe, pulled up and about a dozen blond Swedish stoner kids got out and invaded Mickey D’s. It was VERY obviously a munchy run, too. Some things are evidently universal!

  • avatar

    HA HA HA HA…that sign almost GUARANTEES that no female was ever in that van.

  • avatar

    This reminds me of the ‘Rape Van’ from Workaholics. Funny shit.

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