Audi "Goes The Extra Mile" To Help A Man With Low Self-Esteem Win The Internet

Jack Baruth
by Jack Baruth

It’s a situation in which many an auto enthusiast has found himself: You go to an auto show, hoping to see the newest Krautwagen Alpha-Numerical-Alpha Extra Designation Denoting Actual Engine Size, and they have the car locked so you can’t rub your hands and body all over the interior to find out if said interior contains any deadly spikes, sharp corners, or sub-par LCD screens. What do you do? For most normal people, the answer is suck it up and go live the rest of your life. For self-proclaimed “wealth manager” Joshua Smith, however, the answer was slightly different: he sat right down and wrote a letter. Little did he know that Audi was about to make him approximately as famous as Kevin Federline… (Warning: plenty of NSFW language to come)

Mr. Johan de Nysschen,

I am the proud owner of an Audi S5, A6, and A3 and recently drove to the Chicago Auto Show to see the unveiling of the Audi RS5 to North America.

I am writing this short email to make you aware of my experience at the auto show. I asked an Audi representative if he could open up the RS5 as I was interested in ordering a 2013 model this summer. He refused to open the car or even allow me to get a closer look at the features of the car. I expect this does not meet your expectations.

In the BMW booth at the show I spent over 30 minutes with a BMW representative who showed me the M3 and the all new M5, which was also closed to the majority of the public.

The main reason for my drive to Chicago from Neenah WI (3 hour drive) was to see and discuss the possibility of ordering the RS5. I am an active member and participant of the Chicago Audi Club in Illinois and Badger Audi Club in Wisconsin.

I am not sure based on my experience if I am going to place an order. How can I expect to spend 90k without the ability to sit in the seat, or open the hood? (The car in the show featured carbon ceramic brakes. If this is an available option in the US, thank you!) A sincere thanks for all you do from a true Audi enthusiast.


Joshua Smith

What a shame that I wasn’t in Johan’s office that day, just hanging around and impersonating office staff. I would have written the following letter back:

Dear Mr. Smith,

Only a dipshit drives three hours each way to an auto show to “discuss the possibility of ordering” a car which will sell out the moment it hits the shores. Did you drive three hours each way to “discuss the possibility of ordering” your A3? Of course not. You called your dealer. So stop being the biggest fucking whiner in North America and call your dealer, just like you did for your other cars.

I hope your little handjob from the BMW guy turned you into a BMW owner. We’re struggling desperately as a company to avoid being associated with people like you.

I’ve read stories from rape survivors with less angst, self-pity, and sheer terror than the ridiculous shit you just sent me.

If the idea of being let into a car that other people can’t get into is enough to get you this worked up, perhaps you’d be interested in joining other exclusive groups such as the “North American Hunting Club”, the “Columbia Records Club”, and the “Texas Automotive Writers Association”.

Now fuck off.


A Guy Sitting At Johan’s Desk

P.S. Carbon ceramic brakes? Way to announce you won’t be tracking it, you limp-dick.

Of course, Audi did no such thing. Instead, they sent him an apologetic letter and brought an RS5 to the guy’s miniscule tract house, along with the complete lineup of S-cars: S6, S7, S8, and so on. Mr. Smith took perhaps the worst cameraphone video on record of the cars and commenced bragging about it everywhere his Internet would reach. When he was called out on the potential contrast between his vehicle choices and his modest home, Smith talked about being a “wealth manager” and claimed to own other homes as well before informing everyone that, in his wealth-managing opinion, an RS5 was a better investment than a home.

You can find the whole thing on QuattroWorld. Speaking as someone who owned an S5 before Mr. Smith did, I’m depressed by the idea of being even remotely associated with someone who thinks like this. Why does everything in this world have to be “upscale” and “exclusive”? Isn’t it just enough to be excited about a car and want to buy it? Do we all require special treatment, which then by definition won’t be special anyway, in the year 2012?

Audi did have the RS5 open for press days at the auto shows, so I can share with you the sacred knowledge about the RS5 which Mr. Smith was so eager to get: Inside, it’s about the same as an S5. That’s because IT’S THE SAME CAR. If Mr. Smith was hoping to find extra seats, a Mitsubishi “Twin Stick” transfer box, or Nicki Minaj inside, he was no doubt disappointed. If he was expecting to find different badges and trim, well then, THAT’S WHAT YOU GET.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to write a letter to Dan Auerbach complaining that my last download of a Black Keys record wasn’t accompanied by a house concert and a chance to play the guitar part in “Thickfreakness”.

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2 of 56 comments
  • CRConrad CRConrad on Mar 05, 2012

    So what was this piece all about -- was there really anybody left who didn't know Jack Baruth can be a grade-A first-class arsehole when he really wants to? So what? Who can't? Even I could, I think, if I wanted to. So WTF was this good for?

  • Naterator Naterator on Mar 06, 2012

    Crud. Video removed by user. HMMMMMMMMMM But I'm curious, which car sits outside? The S5, A6, or A3? It's only a two-car garage. Oh, it must be at the other house with "twice the square feet" of the one he's renting!

  • ToolGuy Meanwhile in Germany...
  • Donald More stuff to break god I love having a nanny in my truck... find a good tuner and you can remove most of the stupid stuff they add like this and auto park when the doors open stupid stuff like that
  • John Williams Sounds like a Burnout Special you can put together on any 5.0 F150. Whoever said this was Cars and Coffee bait is right on the money.
  • ToolGuy Question: F-150 FP700 (  Bronze or  Black) supercharger kit is legal in 50 states, while the  Mustang supercharger kit is banned in California -- why??
  • Scott "It may not be the ideal hauler to take the clan cross-country to Wally World considering range anxiety "Range Anxiety is a chosen term that conceals as much as it discloses. You don't care about range that much if you can recharge quickly and current BV's (battery vehicles) can't, no matter how good the chargers are. From what I've been reading it is likely that within 5 years there will be batteries in cars, most likely Tesla's, that can charge fast enough with no harm to the batteries to satisfy all of us with no need to increase range beyond a real world 300-ish miles.And that's when I buy one.