If We'll Do THIS for Forty Grand, Imagine What We'll Do For A Cheeseburger

Our not-quite-colleagues at AutoWeek are between a rock and a hard place nowadays. Back in the dinosaur days of the biz, subscribing to AW made sense. The writing was usually auto-weak, and there wasn’t much insight to be found in the reviews, but it was far more timely than the rest of the color rags. If you wanted up-to-date news on the auto shows, the press-preview events, and European rallies, there was only one magazine with the goods.

Needless to say, the Mandel clan’s rather cozy little empire ran into an Outside Context Problem when the World Wide Web arrived on their shores, chock-full of Jalopniks, Autoblogs, and TTACs. I can’t think of any reason to subscribe to AutoWeek, and judging by the increasing desperation with which they are soliciting me as a subscriber, neither can anyone else.

How, then, can Dutch and company keep the lights on at AW headquarters? I dunno… how about renting press cars?

It’s the adrenaline-pumping chance of a lifetime! No, I’m not talking about BASE-jumping off the Petronas Towers, hunting the Cape Buffalo with a five-shot revolver, or pulling a quick “Julian Assange” on Zhang Ziyi. This is way better. For the low, low price of TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS, you and nineteen other [s]suckers[/s] people will have a chance to

test-drive the latest sporty coupes that cost less than $50,000

What are we talking about here? BMW 328i? Mustang GT? 370Z? Kia Forte? Participants will also receive

• A welcome cocktail reception. (Since the magazine is paying, not a manufacturer, I suspect the only Goose to be seen will be flying over your head and dispensing a stream of liquid waste).
• A full day of driving and vehicle evaluation at the Ford Dearborn Development Center, followed by a special closing dinner. (A trackday, in other words, on a small track.)
• Accomodations at the historic Dearborn Inn. (Which is not exactly the Ritz, trust me.)
• Something something Chip Foose. (I’d skip that, were I you.)
• An opportunity to chat with your favorite AW editors. (Unless Denise McCluggage is there, this will strongly resemble meeting all the people you used to beat up in high school, after they got fat.)
• Complimentary tickets to the Henry Ford Museum. (That’s gotta be worth ten bucks.)

The total take from the catastrophe is apparently about forty grand, so it’s a safe bet that AutoWeek will be keeping the expenses low. That means they’ll probably be (mis)using press cars. I thought that I’d kind of set the gold standard for misusing press cars when I all but impregnated a fellow journo’s wife in the driver’s seat of one of the latest sporty sedans that cost less than about $67,000, (and you really haven’t lived until you’ve watched a woman give herself a mild concussion on an Alcantara headliner) but I never ever considered what I could get if I rented someone else’s stuff. Stop by my house this week. For two thousand dollars, you can experience one of the latest Dodge trucks that cost under $25,000. My neighbors just bought it, and they are out of town this week.

Alternately, if you are looking for an actual car-guy/gal experience for this kind of money, here are several much better choices:

• Two days at Mid-Ohio with an Acura TSX, $1,450 from the Mid-O School.
• Skip Barber “Intro To Road Racing”, $699 at several tracks
• Two days in a Ferrari F355 from performancerentals.us, $2009
• Putting all the money in a pile, setting it on fire, and watching “Le Mans” on a very small television screen.

If I haven’t dissuaded you from wasting your cheddar, you can register at www.autoweek.com/fantasycamp. Better hurry. There’s, uh, some guy who said he was gonna do it, and he might, uh, get there before you.

What? You’re still here? Then let’s watch one of my favorite scenes from Menace To Society. In this scene, my personal role model, O-Dog, gets a free cheeseburger. Warning: if you’re lucky enough to have a job in this economy, you will lose it just by clicking the “Play” button. Contains explicit language and hilarious violence.