Hammer Time: Saving Private Whinin'

I have a 1983 full-sized A-Team van. OK, it’s a Dodge model, not the black GMC of TV fame. But still. If you’re gonna own a repo, it’s awesome when you’re in the mood. Playing card table. Custom fridge. Plenty of classic interior fur. 1980s glazed silver with the custom striping. Happily (and sadly) I haven’t used it yet. So it stays put. Vans like this are public enemy #1 these days, as they suck gas like twenty-seven 1973 vans. In theory. (Remember: it’s parked.) Oh, and my ’83 Dodge stops me from buying a new, cleaner vehicle from new GM or new Chrysler. And so the government will offer me something like $4500 for my ancient, arthritic van. Apparently that kind of cash for this kind of clunker is a fine idea if you’re a politician using other people’s money (the living and the unborn) to curtail American oil imports and save the planet. As a guy on the sharp end, I’m not feeling it. Not that anyone asked me, but here’s what I would do instead. For a LOT less.

Lifetime warranty for catalytic converters. Replacing a defective cat would improve fuel economy between 15 and 30 percent and net a far more substantial improvement in emissions over the long run (more than 500 percent in some cases). Most folks get screwed over big time when it comes to replacing this part. Especially if a universal version can’t fit. The cost of this would be anywhere from $200 to maybe, absolute tops, $500.

Then again, do I trust the government to administrate the cat-for-clunkers program? Nope. Not in this lifetime. Just pass the buck to the automakers, mandate it, and let them find a way to get their money back through a competitive marketplace. Perhaps some of them will stop intentionally under-engineering this part.

Trip computer. To say that I’m a gonzo fan of this particular technology would be an understatement. Those who are bored with their commute (a.k.a. virtually all of us) are given the immediate feedback needed to immediately become more aware of the gas and brake pedals. Great idea. Many will use them. Some don’t even realize they have a trip computer.

But let’s talk awareness here. Offering an aftermarket kit for free (for certain vehicles) and publicizing it would do wonders for public interest in this matter. Hey, offering free digital converters for free enabled folks to eliminate cable TV altogether. This step can save about 20 to 30 percent on fuel economy as well.

But then we have the real issue behind this legislation. Sales are in the shitter because creative financing was used to create a froth of excess demand. Is that a problem? Nope. It’s a correction. As it stands right now, most cars don’t offer the gas saving technologies that will really put a dent on the consumption front in the future. So why buy them? Some cars are also just truly terrible. So again, why buy them? If Joe Consumer wants a PT Cruiser or an Aveo, fine. They can have them both.

But please let the loser shareholders and bondholders foot the bill and let the free market liquidate these vehicles at the market place. Shutter Chrysler’s doors. Sell off parts of GM and realize that we’re only doing now what the Europeans are going to have to do in a few years. In the end, the marketplace is really the far better alternative to “management by government Fiat.”