Who Says You Can't Have It All? Not the EcoDrivers!

I drive a Mercedes GL450: a vehicle that struggles to get 18 mpg. On the highway. Downhill. Downwind. Unladen. At the posted speed. But here’s the thing: I don’t drive my Merc much. I work from home; I live in a “walkable” community; I walk; I ride a bike; and I got rid of our second car. In other words, like many Americans, I want my gas guzzler and a clean conscience too. God bless America; when the market perceives a need, someone fills it. In this case, it’s our friends at the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers (AAM). The industry lobby group is providing the juice behind the trendily hyphen-aversive EcoDriving movement. Which, to my mind, is a bit like the pre-nascent DietFeasting movement. I may be guilty but I’m not stupid. Or am I?

Today’s AAM press release leads me to believe I may well be EcoIntellectuallyChallenged. To mark the slow-down-you-selfish-planet-killing-bastard program’s one-year anniversary, the AAM provides a list of all the governors who never, ever ask their drivers to put pedal to the metal: Arnold Schwarzenegger (R-CA), Bill Ritter (D-CO), Riley (R- AL), Haley Barbour (R-MS), Jay Nixon (D-MO), Martin O’Malley (D – MD), Bev Perdue (D-NC), Luis Fortuno (R – PR), Mark Sanford (R- SC), John De-Jongh (D – USVI), Tim Kaine (D-VA), Joe Manchin (D-WV), Sonny Perdue (R-GA), C.L. “Butch” Otter (R-ID), Steve Beshear (D- KY), Jennifer M. Granholm (D-MI), Brad Henry (D-OK) and Jon Huntsman (R-UT) .

Although only one governor gets a nickname, all of these state house dwellers have shown tremendous courage by asking motorists to drive like an octogenarian—rather than, say, recommending a return to Nixon’s double-nickel. Then again, why wouldn’t the govs support EcoDriving? Not only does the PC admonition not piss off any members of their constituency—from hard-core environmentalists to soft-core Suburban pilots—it’s the right thing to do:

“If just half of all drivers nationwide practiced moderate levels of EcoDriving,” the AAM contends. “Annual carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions could be reduced by about 100 million tons, or the equivalent of heating and powering 8.5 million households.”

Define moderate. Meanwhile, free miles!

“If all Americans practiced EcoDriving, it would be equal to 450 billion miles traveled on our roadways without generating any CO2 emissions. That’s 1,500 CO2-free miles for every man, woman and child in the United States each year.”

And we wouldn’t need CAFE, CARB or EPA tailpipe regulations! Uh, would we? So, anyway, how do Catholics, Jews and other guilt-ridden carbon positive people do this EcoDriving thing, then? The Alliance offers fourteen tips:

1. Believe You Can Reduce Fuel Use and Emissions – ‘Cause when you wish upon a greenhouse gas, makes no difference what you drive.

2. Avoid Rapid Starts and Stops – I drive around them as quickly as possible, me.

3. Keep on Rolling in Traffic – Rhode Islanders have been practicing the rolling stop since the octagonal sign was first introduced (without graffiti I’m told). Oh wait, they don’t mean EZ Wider style rolling do they? Sure, I drive much slower when I’m high, but the AAM can’t recommend that for people without a prescription, can they?

4. Ride the “Green Wave” – I’m still looking for the green flash. But it’s a good point: by going slower you can catch all the green lights and end-up going faster. Or, more precisely, get there at the same time as you would as if you were driving like a mad man. In theory.

5. Use Air Conditioning at Higher Speeds – Done. In fact, I also use AC at slower speeds. You know, when it’s hot.

6. Maintain an Optimum Highway Speed for Good Mileage – “According to the U.S. EPA, every 5 miles over the 60 mph level is equivalent to paying 20 extra cents per gallon for gas.” The faster you go the worse your mileage the more you pay at the pump? Who knew?

7. Use Cruise Control – Not me. I find myself slamming on the brakes when I use cruise control. That can’t be good for my mpg. Maybe I should try setting it a little lower. But then I end up swerving in and out of lanes to avoid hitting the car in front of me. Clearly, I need some more instruction.

8. Navigate to Reduce Carbon Dioxide – Can’t I just program my sat nav to do it for me? Let me see . . . Yes ,I can! Brilliant! Where’s the EcoDriving setting?

9. Avoid Idling – I’m never idle. Talk to the guy who sings “Adam in Chains.” He’s always Idol.

10. Buy an Automated Pass for Toll Roads – And don’t cheat on your wife.

11. Use the Highest Gear Possible – Sure but—where’s the fun in that?

12. Drive Your Vehicle to Warm It Up – That makes NO sense. Why would I drive around to warm-up my vehicle? Shouldn’t I just fire it up and head to my destination?

13. Keep Your Cool – Like I said, AC rules.

14. Obey your Check Engine Light – Obey? That’s a bit draconian isn’t it? What if environmentalists take control of my OBD and it flashed-up “CAP AND TRADE”? What then?