Cops Hot on the Trail of Interstate Smut Merchants

Steph Willems
by Steph Willems

Distracted driving is one the greatest scourges of our time, rivalling drunk driving as the roadgoing activity most likely to end in tragedy. Cell phones calls, texting, and cumbersome infotainment systems all contribute to a populace overwhelmed with distractions.

In light of this, the last thing any speeding driver needs is a massive roadside screen displaying a porno flick.

Police in Auburn Hills, Michigan have released surveillance video of two young men suspected in Saturday night’s impromptu roadside movie night. At 10:49 p.m., the Detroit Free Press reports, two individuals broke into the shed housing the controls for an electronic billboard placed along the I-75, near the M-59 interchange.

The two individuals, looking pasty and wearing glasses, may have used skills honed during hours-long basement video game marathons to switch the billboard feed from the existing ads to an X-rated movie. The sudden changeover from yawn-inducing commercial to writhing bodies didn’t result in any accidents, thankfully, but that doesn’t mean the boys are off the hook for their 15- to 20-minute cinema project.

According to the cops, promoting smut in the manner in which they did carries a possible sentence of 90 days in jail, as well as a $500 fine. Then there’s the felony burglary charge.

“You don’t see that everyday,” one amused driver told WXYZ Detroit after passing the billboard Saturday night. “You could kind of see people started to brake a lot behind me, cause I think they were doing the same thing, like a double take.”

Anyone with information as to the suspects’ identity are encouraged to call 248-364-9460. Now, If only Auburn Hills PD could do something about the message that inadvertently pops up on my Cruze’s infotainment screen, informing me that taking my eyes off the road can lead to an accident. I have to take my eyes off the road to click the “OK” button.

[Image: Ford]

Steph Willems
Steph Willems

More by Steph Willems

Comments
Join the conversation
4 of 18 comments
  • -Nate -Nate on Oct 01, 2019

    A good morning laugh . Glad no one crashed, kinda surprised no mouth breathers parked to watch . -Nate

    • Sgeffe Sgeffe on Oct 01, 2019

      A couple drivers reported traffic slowing behind them. And that stretch of I-75 is always heavily-traveled, even around 11:00pm. That’d give new meaning to the term “red light district!”

  • DeadWeight DeadWeight on Oct 01, 2019

    F**k this motherf**king traffic in the metro Detroit area... ...I can't take it much longer, especially with MANY roads now under construction/re-construction (an annual thing in this sh*thole state) and some being closed in one direction or the other completely. Between the traffic, horrendous roads, horrendous property taxes ($13,000 annually on a $830,000 home) brutal winters, I'm reaching my breaking point, and am seriously thinking about moving to the southwest, where I travel to for biz a lot anyways, and have many great offers from large corporations as it stands.

    • Sgeffe Sgeffe on Oct 03, 2019

      Is the I-75 rebuild in Oakland County as much of a PITA as I suspect it would be? At least they moved the timetable up, in order to rip the scab off quickly and get it done!

  • IBx1 Never got the appeal of these; it looks like there was a Soviet mandate to create a car with two doors and a roof that could be configured in different ways.
  • CAMeyer Considering how many voters will be voting for Trump because they remember that gas prices were low in 2020–never mind the pandemic—this seems like a wise move.
  • The Oracle Been out on the boat on Lake James (NC) and cooking up some hella good food here with friends at the lake place.
  • ToolGuy Also on to-do list: Read the latest Steve S. fiction work on TTAC (May 20 Junkyard Find)
  • 1995 SC I'm likely in the minority, but I really liked the last Eldorado best. That and the STS.
Next