By on August 5, 2016

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I rented a Jeep last week, and let me tell you, this thing was a Jeep. It defiantly looked like a Jeep. I could tell it was a Jeep because it said “Jeep” in many places, including right on the hood, which is just so Jeep. It wasn’t a Wrangler or a Grand Cherokee but it was a Jeep, to be sure.

To read about all the cool, wondrous, amazing, and super things this Jeep did, click the Jeep.

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This is a picture of the inside of my hat which was American-made just like this Jeep. At least I assume the Jeep is made in America just like all Chrysler products. It was amazing in so many Jeepy ways. First of all, it had a steering wheel, which was good because it meant I could turn both left and right. I loved the freedom that gave me. Just knowing that I could choose any direction I wanted at intersections was enough to make me want to buy this very Jeepy Jeep. Unfortunately I will have to write many more reviews like this one and also work another job to someday afford this iconic vehicle.

I also enjoyed the gas pedal, because when I pressed it, the car became very loud. This was exciting! I don’t know if it had a regular automatic or a CVT (which a Jeep engineer told me stands for “Continuously Variable Transmission”) but it was defiantly loud. Even though the Jeep wasn’t very fast this loud sound made it seem very fast. I would say it was slower than a Porsche but probably as fast as all other cars.

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It was sunny that day so these pictures didn’t come out good. But I did notice in this picture that the Jeep did not have a USB port which made it difficult to charge my iPhone 4 that I normally use to take the pictures of cars. I did pair my phone with Bluetooth though, which is this amazing tech that lets you talk without holding your phone. It worked about half the time which was great. Pairing was an easy process that only took seven steps.

There were lots of little bits of black plastic throughout the interior where buttons normally are which I assume means that I could bring this new Jeep back to the dealership and get more cool buttons put in at a later time. I liked how simple the stereo was — I couldn’t even tell what song was playing from my phone, which helped me stay focused on the road and maybe only look at my video camera five or six times. That reminds me I did a video review but I accidentally deleted it from my SD card.

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I took this picture in front of this rock because that’s how driving this Jeep makes me feel — like a fully erect man. Using the 4X4 to go the Whole Foods was great — it handled the speed bumps like a trail rated Jeep even though it didn’t have the badge that makes it trail rated so I guess it probably isn’t. Even so it felt just like driving a Wrangler Unlimited through the Sahara especially when I spilled my Wildberry Smoothie. The steel wheels made it look manly and tough and also Jeepish.

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I accidentally took this picture while I was playing Pokemon GO.

This Jeep costs somewhere between $17,695 and $50,134. Whatever it costs it is a good value especially when it is delivered to your front door by a truck with a trailer.

So to sum up this Jeep is defiantly a Jeep that does Jeep things in Jeep ways. If you want a Jeep you defiantly either want this or maybe another Jeep. Tell us what you think of this Jeep in the comments below! Jeep!

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166 Comments on “Rental Review: 2016 Jeep Patriot Or Maybe Compass...”


  • avatar
    JimZ

    Was it a Jeep?

  • avatar

    Such an #iconic review

  • avatar
    319583076

    Baruth deathwatch?

  • avatar
    Arthur Dailey

    Darn, that makes me want to put on my Kodiak boots, my Levis, my Eddie Bauer shirt and my Tilley hat and run right down to the JEEP store and buy one of these!

  • avatar
    CoreyDL

    It sounds like you can literally take this Jeep to a store and then back again, using the iconic grille to show the front of the car and to tell you where to get in the car with the door which is provided at no extra charge. I can definitely tell I want to actually and literally purchase this Jeep once I can discover where to purchase something like this icon. I don’t like to disclose what I paid for something or how much my relatives have worked somewhere or won awards, but it was $19,922.24 and ten years and three awards which I made.

    Could I use something like a car Google?

    “Jeep Patriot Where To Buy Near Texas, Dallas, USA..?”:”

  • avatar
    seth1065

    4 minutes of my life I will not get back, but perhaps you had a quota of stories for the week and this is the Friday mail in one. I would have thought a Hung over Doug article would have been better.

    • 0 avatar
      arun

      Not sureif you figured it out or not but he was mocking a particular social media car reviewer who obviously had a word count to reach. There was a ttac article on that one a while ago

      • 0 avatar
        30-mile fetch

        It’s a bit overdone and a bit juvenile to continue bullying the bottom feeder, but the “picture I accidentally took while playing Pokemon GO” made me chuckle.

      • 0 avatar
        Piston Slap Yo Mama

        Chrysler paid a femme sex blogger to write about the then-new Dodge Dart at SXSW in Austin TX some years ago. Goddammit if I didn’t bookmark that travesty of language masquerading as a car review and now tragically can’t find it. They flew her in from L.A. and booked a suite at the Hilton. My blood boils now, years later thinking about Chrysler wasting money on it.
        Bark’s review parody is qualitatively better though sadly doesn’t reference objects inserted into his vagina.

    • 0 avatar
      ajla

      Doug DeMuro works for Autotrader now.

      I assume Bark quit his job there out of protest.

  • avatar
    PrincipalDan

    Oddly enough I feel exactly the same way about the FWD Renegade that pulled up with the Uhaul to bring our new neighbors last evening.

    • 0 avatar
      CoreyDL

      I think that’s more offensive than this.

      • 0 avatar
        PrincipalDan

        True, at least Patriot and Compass tractors have proven reliable for the families I serve who regularly drive down roads that would make mommybloggers weep into their chai-tea lattes.

    • 0 avatar
      28-Cars-Later

      They are going to feel funny in a few years when they see XJs and KJs passing them broke down on the side of the road.

      “Honey, I thought we bought a Jeep?”

    • 0 avatar
      Sigivald

      “Why is there no rear diff on this Explorer/Renegade/Edge?”

      “Because it is a sad car doing sad things.”

      • 0 avatar
        JohnTaurus_3.0_AX4N

        “Why does it get probably 10 mpg + more than its solid axle predecessor with more power while being more useful to those who buy it most? Why does it drive like a heavy stable car and not a top heavy truck, yet retain its versatility and can stil be equipped to handle snow and muddy roads if need be?”

        “So sad. You at least need a Wrangler, or more likely a Defender 90, to run to Walmart with the kids in August.”

        I don’t like crossovers personally, but I see why people do. I feel the same about most station wagons.

        Besides, Ford will gladly sell you a capable 4wd F-Series, Expedition/Navigator or, in the future, a Bronco or Ranger.
        GM, Toyota/Lexus, Nissan/Infiniti, FCA, Land Rover and Mercedes-Benz all have excellent truck and/or truck-like SUVs for you to choose from as well.

        Its not like real 4wds don’t exist, they’ve just thinned out a bit from their heyday as the mom/dad market switched over to something that fit their needs more efficiently and more comfortably.

        Some (ahem, Pathfinder, Compatriot) are worse than others, but a fully loaded Edge Sport (for example) is just a nice vehicle more in tune with its actual intended purpose by those who bought first and second generation Explorer Limited or similar.

        • 0 avatar
          Drzhivago138

          “Its not like real 4wds don’t exist, they’ve just thinned out a bit from their heyday as the mom/dad market switched over to something that fit their needs more efficiently and more comfortably.”

          And (at least IMO) those true SUVs that are left (Wrangler, 4Runner, all the full-size truck-wagons, etc.) are as good as or better than they’ve ever been because most of their buyers are the “true” intended audience.

  • avatar
    indi500fan

    One of America’s least expensive vehicles to insure, per the sales website….

    Oh and $4500 in incentives in the “Great Lakes” geographic area.

  • avatar
    Ipsa

    That is the most bland and depressing shifter column I have ever seen. Acres of plastic with a tiny “PRND” oasis in the middle. Also, great satire of some other sites’ car reviews.

    • 0 avatar
      CoreyDL

      Keep in mind this is the “improved” interior which has only been there since 2014 I think. Check out one prior to that.

    • 0 avatar
      Kyree S. Williams

      Yeah? GM couldn’t even be bothered to label the gear selector positions on the W-body Impala, which is still sold as the Impala Limited. I mean, you had digital indicators on the instrument panel, but still…

      http://image.automotive.com/f/2012_chevrolet_impala/41982105/gearshift.jpg

      • 0 avatar
        TonyJZX

        At least this PRNDL equipped car wont run you over like those damn FCA products. This is a Jeep after all.

        Also this thing can be optioned to $50,000?

        $50,000!

        Does it come with a two pound gold bar in the glovebox?

        • 0 avatar
          JimZ

          “Also this thing can be optioned to $50,000?”

          no, it can’t.

          • 0 avatar
            Drzhivago138

            Wellll…that two-lb t bar in the glovebox would be worth about $32K on top of the value of the vehicle. Said “bar” would also be a 2.36 cubic inch lump. Gold is hella heavy.

            If it was two “normal” avdp lbs., it would be $39K, and it would be 2.87 cubic inches.

        • 0 avatar
          Sigivald

          $28960 is the highest I can get it in their configurator.

          Which is still about $10k too much.

      • 0 avatar
        CoreyDL

        Don’t you pull that big lever to turn it on?

      • 0 avatar
        Zackman

        My 2012 Impala was designed without the gear indicator on the shifter bezel because it trains you to keep your eyes ahead, just briefly glancing at the instrument cluster to make sure you’re in the gear you wanted. Also, no video/touch screen to cause distracted driving, which, with my vision impairment is a godsend!

        The kind folks at GM are brilliant, and I humbly thank them!

        I thought this was a wonderful review – not a bad word anywhere, unless some think “FCA” is one! I do sometimes…

        • 0 avatar
          Kyree S. Williams

          I appreciate the W-body Impala’s comfort and simplicity, but I think they could have condescended to label the gear selector. Not doing so was a bridge too far.

      • 0 avatar
        KW1

        That would drive me crazy. I’d end up counting clicks rather than looking at the dash. That’s what I had to do when my the lights burned out on my wife’s Liberty gear selector.

    • 0 avatar

      Women and some men should be excited at the prospect of HOLD FOR D as indicated.

      • 0 avatar
        28-Cars-Later

        I was treated to an image of a Chrysler 200 when I loaded your website and thought, how ironic.

        • 0 avatar

          You have to admit not only a) that picture is gorgeous but b) that’s the first time in a long time you’ve seen a high-trim 200.

          P.S. Check back in an hour so you can see the Sport Trac with a 5-speed that I bought since I love walking out in the heat and/or rain only to be met by a customer’s disappointment.

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            True, but I Feel like you’re soon going to become southwest Florida’s Chrysler 200 HQ.

            P.S. You live for it.

          • 0 avatar
            CoreyDL

            That G37 just doesn’t work with silver matte trim. It looks desperate.

            And did you see my site suggestion for arrows somewhere for pix scrolling? Need!

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            @Flybrian

            Mid miles 1 series MY11 BMW for 14,9? People must hate these.

            @Corey

            I’m not a front end dev guy, but I might do it as a modal because I think there is markup for scrolling.

          • 0 avatar
            CoreyDL

            A what? What’s modal mean when referring to web dev? You’re all out of my depth here, lol.

          • 0 avatar
            ajla

            That 1997 Cadillac is going to make someone very, very sad in 1-2 years.

          • 0 avatar
            CoreyDL

            I wasn’t gonna go there. Lol. Resisted viewing it.

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            @ajla

            It should have really failed by now, so its either obviously on the path to coolant failure or perhaps it was replaced and has some new life in it.

            @Corey

            From W3Schools: The Modal plugin is a dialog box/popup window that is displayed on top of the current page.

            http://www.w3schools.com/bootstrap/bootstrap_modal.asp

            This is found in Twitter Bootstrap which is a whiz bang JS library which helps with shrinking websites for phones and tablets since you people just won’t use computers like normal users (see: Responsive Web Design).

          • 0 avatar
            Kyree S. Williams

            Twitter Bootstrap is pretty much an industry standard these days. I use it on pretty much everything I build.

            Another one is Zurb Foundation.

          • 0 avatar

            CoreyDL,
            Yes, I did. I’m letting my web provider know.

            28,
            I don’t understand that 128. If it were a Cabrio, gone. I had a just a hard of time selling that car the first time; its back here on consignment a year later.

            Ajla,
            That’s my detailer’s D’Elegance. We bought it off the street from some guy closing out his mother’s estate and paid $650. It needed a starter, lower control arm, and an A/C compressor w/service. Never came close to overheating in a year he’s had it – I’ve got the coolant temp readout on the pictures to prove it!

          • 0 avatar
            CoreyDL

            I’ve read that story before – you posted that on The Brougham Society!

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            @Kyree

            I can’t keep up with the front end stuff, JS is incredibly powerful and I’ve used some of it but I am a back end developer and these frameworks make me go hmm? The only reason I know about Twitter Bootstrap is because I had a few stories using it.

            @FB

            I don’t get it either, but in a stick such a thing might be fun for the BMW enthusiast. I would also consider export, I saw a few of those in Switzerland.

            On the Cadillac, $650 is a good buy if it was running even if you only got a year out of it but its a big risk at $4K.

          • 0 avatar
            Kyree S. Williams

            @28

            I get it. I do a healthy mix of front-end design/development, backed by PHP scripts that act as APIs and pass information via JavaScript AJAX. To that end, I also work with NodeJS and AngularJS. And in my current capacity, I interact with Drupal on a daily basis.

            But I’m really a designer at heart.

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            I think its the designer in you which gives you the interest to pursue all of those. Although Node is interesting to me because it is also a web server IIRC. There is a Node.js group meeting next Tuesday I might attend. I attended last year and felt quite dumb with all of the open sourcey lingo being tossed about by the children (under 28 in IT is a child to me).

          • 0 avatar
            Kyree S. Williams

            I’m well under 28.

            But I feel dumb, too, a lot of the time, like when I went to the local Drupal meetup. Those are some hardcore PHP programmers.

            And, yes, NodeJS and its MongoDB (the whole MEAN stack, really) was a new one for me when I learned it.

          • 0 avatar
            30-mile fetch

            “That G37 just doesn’t work with silver matte trim. It looks desperate.”

            Forget that. WTF happened to the seat bolster and door trim?

      • 0 avatar
        TonyJZX

        Surely if you bought this thing and looked at the looted store they call an interior, you would have been the one that HELD FOR D courtesy of FCA.

    • 0 avatar
      jpolicke

      Yes, but you always know when it’s in Park.

  • avatar
    Kenmore

    I knew phoning it in was a thing. Now I know there’s farting it in.

  • avatar
    n_tesla

    I had a couple of these as Hertz rentals. I was astonished by what a cheap, poor driving sell out of the Jeep name and heritage they were. I’ve driven worse..but banished them from my memory.

    • 0 avatar
      SSJeep

      Hertz gets the bottom-of-the-barrel Patriots with zero options to speak of. The Patriot is no great automotive feat, but it is amongst the cheapest CUVs in its class which is why it sells in decent numbers. I have had several rental Patriots, none of which were notable BUT they were not the worst driving rental I have had. I have enjoyed worse-driving Darts, Fusions, and Fiestas from rental car lots.

      Which is why I am no fan of rental car reviews. They are typically spec’d below what any sane person would buy or lease, and they have generally been beat to sh1t by the time said reviewer has a turn at the wheel.

      • 0 avatar

        That’s just not true. Maybe Hertz does that (I wouldn’t know, as I never rent from them), but National always has at least mid-level trim options, and very rarely do they keep a car past 15,000 miles.

  • avatar
    Land Ark

    It’s disgusting pictures like these that got Bertel kicked out of here. Have you no decency Bark?

  • avatar
    Drzhivago138

    I wondered about the possible autocorrect of “defiantly” until I did a Ctrl+F.

  • avatar
    dukeisduke

    One of my daughter’s friends drives a TJ Wrangler (his parents both drive Jeeps, as does his brother), and according to him, the only real Jeeps are Wranglers, along with their ancestors.

  • avatar

    The Patriot is, without a doubt, the worst vehicle I have ever driven.

  • avatar
    gtemnykh

    My initial impressions of these was fairly negative, I did field work as an undergraduate researcher in rural Central/Upstate NY and when our beloved USDA ’98 Explorer XL(?) crapped its transmission solenoid pack at 58k miles, a loaded up Patriot replaced it. I think this may have been related to the whole bailout thing? Anyways it was an AWD one with up-sized alloy wheels. Much less space than the explorer for both people and gear, a lot less impressive sounding with the CVT/ “world” engine combo making a racket up hills where the old Explorer barely needed to unlock the torque converter in overdrive.

    Much later in their life cycle I have come to appreciate them as a window for those with little to spend into the world of CUV ownership. This, the Rogue Select, and Mitsubishi Outlander Sport operate on their own rock bottom level. Patriots are honest little trucklets, much more so than the Renegade IMO.

    • 0 avatar
      CoreyDL

      The Outlander Sport isn’t, it seems, available as commonly in basic trim. The ones I see are always upper level ones, and then they’re too costly.

      • 0 avatar
        gtemnykh

        Could be confusing as even the basic ES has alloy wheels! I just did a basic internet search and had no problem finding new ’15s for $14,500. AWDs seem to start at $16,5k.

        The Patriot amazingly undercuts that price quite a bit, FWD stick shifts for under $12k new (no A/C), 5spd AWDs for $14,5k, FWD automatics for $14k and the cheapest AWD automatics go for $16,5k.

        An automatic (CVT) Rogue Select can be had for right around $16-17k.

        • 0 avatar
          CoreyDL

          I think of those three, I might have to go with the Mitsubishi (I have never typed this phrase before.) I hate the interior on the Jeep, and the old Rogue just looks ancient.

        • 0 avatar
          dal20402

          That’s compelling as long as the used market stays the way it is right now. In a more normal used market I’d take a three-year-old CR-V over any of them.

          • 0 avatar
            gtemnykh

            Yep, as it stands I think most low mile ’13-ish CRVs are still in the close to 20k range.

            The middle ground IMO is the current-gen Rogue in a basic trim, which can be found for $18,5k new. More room and comfort and refinement than the ‘basement dwellers’ but significantly undercuts the rest of the mainstream CUV segment. Used ’13ish Escapes can be had for very reasonable money btw, if you’re prepared to stomach potential future EB worries (and your doors flying open apparently).

  • avatar
    operagost

    That’s really what the stereo looks like? What decade is this?

    I’m not used to getting such a bare-bones rental as this. Maybe Enterprise specs their vehicles a little higher?

  • avatar
    threeer

    Went looking about two months ago for a (relatively) inexpensive used SUV. Keep in mind, I have owned two Jeeps…a 1995 GC and a 2003 Liberty. I sat for about 2.5 minutes in one 2015 Patriot and…just. Could. Not. I know Jeep is supposed to exude some semblance of “rugged,” but the Patriot fairly shouted bargain-basement to me. I know it has been improved since my last rental of one a few years ago (CVT), but nowhere near enough to buy. Wound up with a 2014 Escape instead. I think some of the Ladas and Yugos I am seeing here in Serbia this week are built better (just). It isn’t the manual transmission 320i my heart wanted, but the Escape does well in handling my weekend puppy rescue runs with the new daughter.

  • avatar
    thegamper

    Since we are way off of topic, or rather discussing this topicless article, this seemed like a good point to note that this mother effing site crashed 6 times while I was trying to read the comments. Now, at my firm, we use by default all Microsoft products. So I am viewing this on internet explorer (I think), whatever browser came with the Microsoft office suite in this particular build, not sure what version I am even on to be honest. Chrome, firefox, etc not an option as admin prevents installation of programs. But everything is constantly updated so I would think we are using latest version of whatever browser we use.

    Now I digress…… anyway….why is this site so GD buggy? I cannot view a single article without at least one crash. Is it the ads? They are trying to load while my computer is simultaneously trying to block them? I don’t have this problem on any other website.

    Sorry, venting. I was so keen on reading more about this amazing Jeepy thing that parks next to large rocks, makes noise and can change direction seemingly at will that I became extremely annoyed when I could not read about it any faster than my computer can crash a website and recover it.

    • 0 avatar
      brettc

      Yeah, it’s because you’re using IE. If your company is forcing you to only use IE, it’s probably because they have stuff that doesn’t work with newer browsers or newer versions of IE, so you could be on IE 6 through 10 for all we know.

      I have no problems with Chrome and Adguard running on my work PC.

      • 0 avatar
        Kyree S. Williams

        Ooh, IE6 (and most of the IE series in general) is the bane of my and other web developers’ existence. We hate having to design and do graceful degradation around its various idiosyncrasies and inconsistencies.

        • 0 avatar
          28-Cars-Later

          IE is the bane of everyone’s existence in IT. Its kind of going away though. Sort of.

          • 0 avatar
            Kyree S. Williams

            Oh, that Edge BS? Microsoft should just throw in the towel.

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            I agree, I didn’t care for Edge. Chrome has pretty much won in North America.

          • 0 avatar
            Kyree S. Williams

            Agreed. I do my development on Chrome for Mac, and then test in other browsers.

          • 0 avatar
            JimZ

            Chrome is a bloated, memory gobbling piece of junk. Google has basically turned it into an operating system which does a passable impression of a web browser.

            And why in gods name are any of you doin anything to accommodate IE6?

    • 0 avatar
      MGS1995

      I have the same problem at work. Some modified version of IE11. I find that this site works much better if I disable active scripting.

  • avatar
    FOG

    Bark, did you use the word “defiantly” instead of “definitely” for some reason? I get the impression you were posting a parody of the internet blogger that TTAC made fun of last week.

    Just talked to a guy with a 2011 Wrangler with 110K miles on it with only regular maintenance and he uses it like a Wrangler. Any time I see a Jeep on the side of the road they are pulling a Hyundai, Honda, Toyota, Subaru out of a ditch or look under the hood of these cars to help the poor sucker out.

    Why do these vehicles get so much disrespect?

    I see many Patriots on the internet for sale with 100k+ miles that just keep their value. Something the competitors can’t say. Please help me understand as this is not a defensive post. I am just confused.

    • 0 avatar

      I’ll just say that I know the difference between “defiantly” and “definitely.” Some people don’t.

    • 0 avatar
      gtemnykh

      “Any time I see a Jeep on the side of the road they are pulling a Hyundai, Honda, Toyota, Subaru out of a ditch or look under the hood of these cars to help the poor sucker out.”

      I have literally never seen this, ever.

      “I see many Patriots on the internet for sale with 100k+ miles that just keep their value.”

      Time for those afternoon meds my man.

      • 0 avatar
        FOG

        What a literally awesome reply, gtemnykh. I am sure there are definitely many people out there “ROTFLTAO” at such dynamically poignant humor. I will bet you spent quite some time coming up with that response…

        Oh, and the meds comment was great, I mean like Jeep Great! Literally the most original response anyone has ever made in the history of sarcastic responses. The interweb would be a much sadder place with out the wit of people like yourself.

        • 0 avatar
          gtemnykh

          You talk about roadside breakdowns, when someone driving a Jeep doesn’t really have much of a leg to stand on. Even the 4.0L motors that Jeep guys worship had a spate of poorly cast heads that crack, and a lot of them seem to develop low oil pressure issues at high mileage. The cooling systems on those motors are a disaster as well (in XJ applications at least), let alone the vehicle built around this sacred lamb of a motor. Exhaust manifolds like to crack, rear main seals go out. Things only got worse from there.

          Your buddy got a 5 year old truck to go 110k miles without issues with some offroad use, stop the presses everyone! Sounds like just about literally every Tacoma/4Runner I’ve ever seen. I’m willing to bet money that the front end on that Wrangler was shot by the end of the 110k miles, if he truly did ‘use it like a Wrangler.’

          If you read above I’m actually quite a fan of the Patriot, but I recognize what it for what it is: a cheap little AWD wagon with some surprisingly decent offroad capabilities within the class when spec-d correctly, but the overall emphasis is on cheap. Cheap to buy, put together cheap. They have marginal resale, perhaps slightly better than the usual cliff-face depreciation of many other ChryCo stuff owing the presence of optional AWD. I wouldn’t touch an older Patriot/Compass/Caliber with a 10 foot pole. TIPM issues, rattling ball joints, water leaks, you name it.

          • 0 avatar
            FOG

            Relax gtemnykh. It was all in the hyperbolic spirit of the article. Apparently, I am unique in that most the Jeep owners I know have had no problems their vehicles, Wrangler, Patriot, or Grand Cherokee.

            The guy with the 110K+ Wrangler bought it new. It is his third Wrangler and he was just an example of my experience. I am considering a Jeep and doing research right now.

            I apologize if what I intended as humor was offensive.

      • 0 avatar
        JimZ

        “I have literally never seen this, ever.”

        So? In a country this large there is a ton of stuff you have literally never seen ever.

        • 0 avatar
          gtemnykh

          This is true. But given the factors at play, it is very unlikely.

          From my personal experience, the stereotype of people with big SUVs and pickups zipping along in the left lane on slick winter roads and then ending up in the median/ditch spun out is very valid (hell, snow tires on my 4Runner have pushed me towards said behavior more than once). The plebs in their Hyundai sedans benignly trundling along in the right lane are if anything less likely to end up in the ditch. Likewise the claims of helping stranded motorists whilst driving one of the historically less reliable makes smacks of delusion.

          Turns out it was all in jest anyhow, so no worries!

    • 0 avatar
      Sigivald

      “Why do these vehicles get so much disrespect?”

      Wranglers get respect.

      Patriots don’t.

  • avatar
    FerrariLaFerrariFace

    This was such a great article. I had a great time reading about such a great car. It must be fun driving cars that make you feel so great.

  • avatar
    sportyaccordy

    This was brilliant, eye-watering satire. Thank you

    I do hope a serious review will follow.

  • avatar
    Astigmatism

    Last year I was picking up a car from the Emerald Aisle when a guy asked me whether he could take any car in the aisle – it looked like it was his first time renting from National – and I told him he could have any in the aisle we were standing in. He smiled a big, excited smile and pointed at his family, which was standing by a Patriot a couple of vehicles away. “Even that one? It’s a good car, right? It’s a Jeep!”

    It’s because of people like that that vehicles like this keep getting made. I also blame these people for Nissan, generally.

    Anyway, I politely suggested that he perhaps consider the loaded Fusion we were standing next to, got into my Taurus and drove off.

  • avatar

    When I reviewed the McLaren 675LT in Los Angeles, I was limited to 200 miles so I needed a rental car for incidental driving. When I got to LA, my rental turned out to be a Patriot. So part of the time I was driving one of the greatest cars in the world and part of the time I was driving the closest thing to a vehicular appliance one could imagine.

    It isn’t that the Patriot is bad, it’s that it’s got nothing to commend it. Everything about it is boring.

    I know that they’ve sold a bunch of Patriots and Compasses, but imagine what kind of small car or CUV Chrysler could have made if the resources devoted to the Caliber, Patriot and Compass (they share a platform) were devoted to one vehicle?

    • 0 avatar
      Arthur Dailey

      Ronnie: Nitro?

    • 0 avatar
      geozinger

      Arrgh… Don’t remind us of the Caliber. Well, except the SRT version, that was the only one worth mentioning, and only because of the batsh!t crazy engine in it.

      I never did understand the dynamic between the Compass/Patriot. It always seemed to me that the Patriot should have been the low-spec trim of the Compass, vis-a-vis the Custom Sedan to the Galaxie 500 sort of arrangement.

      That said, if my G6 develops any more issues, I’ll be shopping at the C/D/J dealer for a SUV of some stripe for the wife. Maybe I can score a killer deal on a Compass…

  • avatar
    brettc

    If you read this to yourself in a valley girl voice, it makes total sense. Nice work, BMark. I can’t believe that’s still an available radio option when Chrysler makes Uconnect systems. Looks like something out of an old K-car.

  • avatar
    SCE to AUX

    Now that I’ve clicked, I must write.

    TTAC: Don’t do that again.

  • avatar
    Matt Foley

    Bark, didn’t you write the same review of the Dodge Journey not too long ago?

  • avatar
    jcisne

    How can you make a review of a Jeep and conclude that this is “a Jeep that does Jeep things in Jeep ways” without taking it offroad?

  • avatar
    Wheatridger

    That’s hilarious, thanks! And so very, very Jeepy.

  • avatar
    ItsJustaRide

    The pics are perfect in setting the tone of this piece.

    They basically make the accompanying text superfluous.

    A+.

  • avatar
    MRF 95 T-Bird

    I see plenty of Patriot’s as fleet vehicles for government agencies in the NYC area. Most are 4×4. When you buy them at the fleet rate they are less expensive than a pedestrian sedan and they do the job.

  • avatar
    EBFlex

    That was terrible.

    Can I get the three minutes of my life back it took to read that drivel?

    • 0 avatar
      Drzhivago138

      If you’re angry at this review, you didn’t get the joke.

      • 0 avatar
        Maymar

        Can we understand the joke and still think this kind of sucks? We get it, this is well-tread territory for TTAC, it’s an oasis of integrity, honesty, and useful advice in a sea of shoddy sellout hackery. This is so edgy, they’ve never covered this before, ad nauseum!

  • avatar
    LIKE TTAC.COM ON FACEBOOK

    Is it just me, or is the steering wheel on this thing made of gray Play-Doh?

    On that subject, steering wheels seem to be getting fatter and less like what steering wheels should be. So many have chrome inserts and look the same from brand to brand. They don’t say “Drive me!” any more, they look like they’re all designed to be soft and squishy and touchy-feely for the ladies.
    Maybe it’s the years finally taking their toll, that I would rather things be as they used to be. There were a lot of crappy steering wheels before now, but they should be getting better instead of homogeneously weird.
    A real steering wheel should be leather and black steel, or wood and chrome, or even plastic, with a horn button in the middle, and no compromises for the Takata deathbag in the middle.

  • avatar
    Avid Fan

    Breathe. Slowly in. Slowly out. Replace Jeep with Ford. Breathe….. Better now, huh. Or is that the other Baruth. Damn. I just want a photo of Danger Girl….

  • avatar
    Driver8

    4 stars. Would Jeep again.

  • avatar
    dartman

    …Hmmm…trying to figure this out; the difference between this “review” and Mark’s review of the Lotus Evora at Jalopnik.

    Is it a case of you “get what you pay for”; or, “write to the level of your reader”…Weird.

  • avatar
    punkybrewstershubby aka Troy D.

    Look, I am very late with this reply, but all I know is I ain’t gonna trade my Panther for one. No matter how much over KBB you give me.

  • avatar
    Big Al From 'Murica

    Bark should be required to watch BIGTRUCKS reviews on youtube for a week straight for subjecting me to this nonsense.

  • avatar
    NewsLynne

    Enterprise, home of the muddling choices, offered me one of these or a choice between a baby blue or red VW Beetle.

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