By on October 15, 2015

Periscope_Girl

Don’t look now, but “Periscope” is officially a thing.

The social-media platform allows people to broadcast live from their phones whenever they like, thus bringing the average 23-year-old American woman just that much closer to her dream of becoming a fourth-rate reality television “star” at the expense of all other potential accomplishments.

I can see Periscope being of some use in the upcoming “American Spring” populist uprising, except for the fact that Twitter and Facebook and the like have long since decided to lick the boots of our corporate Ingsoc in whatever fashion is most deferentially pleasing to Mr. Obama, Mrs. Merkel, and Xi Jinping. So when the balloon goes up and you see me and Zack de la Rocha rolling a Viper ACR loaded with grenade launchers down the street, the Twitter “fail whale” will be all you can get, because anything else would be uncivilized.

The automotive world has used Periscope for a few new-vehicle reveals and a series of vignettes in which my friend Adam uses Turtle Wax™ to get some shine on his Isuzu Impulse. But it wasn’t until Whitney Beall of Lakeland … you guessed it … Florida, started Periscoping her drunk-driving adventure that the true potential of this newest navel-gazing “app” was well and truly revealed.


The 911 calls started coming into Lakeland’s police department as more and more people picked up on Ms. Beall’s Periscope.

She’s lost! She’s drunk! She sure hopes she doesn’t get arrested!

But because the Lakeland Police Department doesn’t have Periscope installed anywhere (cue stock graphic of “Old Man Shakes Fist At Cloud”) [Here you go. —Mark] one of the officers had to download it onto his phone so they could track Whitney down. When the cops found her, she promptly ran her new Corolla into a curb and flatted a tire. To the surprise of precisely no one, she did not pass a field sobriety test.

The video makes for interesting viewing because it conclusively demonstrates the so-called Millennial notion that nothing is happening, not even drunk driving, if you aren’t capturing it on social media and sharing it with your friends. Who would have thought that noted narcissist (and my personal hero) John Mayer would actually be ahead of the curve in telling people to see something with their own eyes instead of a camera(phone)? This woman’s addiction to the meaningless swirl of social-media interaction is such that she couldn’t even stop sharing long enough to get home without being arrested.

It’s also interesting to note just how well she handles the Periscope app despite being too drunk to drive. Either she’s faking it a bit, or the new generation is just that good with their mobile devices. Most of the time she has her face framed pretty well. Of course, Whitney’s little tableau wouldn’t be complete if she wasn’t listening to the lowest-common-denominator beeping-and-thumping psuedo-music possible — in this case, the thoroughly execrable AutoTuned dribbling known as “The Weekend”, soundtrack to a hundred thousand unintentional prole-pregnancies and just as many third-degree roach burns. (Trigger warning: The video contains Town Car crash footage.) Could Whitney have been trying to tell us something with her choice of music, other than the fact that she never managed to mail that application off to Sarah Lawrence? The lyrics might help…

I only call you when it’s half-past, five
The only time I’d ever call you mine
I only love it when you touch me, not feel me
When I’m fucked up, that’s the real me
When I’m fucked up, that’s the real me, babe

So, ladies and gentlemen, here’s the “real” Whitney Beall, brought to you by … Periscope!

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119 Comments on “Down Periscope! Drunk Driving Mixes With The Newest Social Media...”


  • avatar
    -Nate

    Why they call it FloriDUH .

    -Nate

  • avatar
    Rod Panhard

    Logging into Periscope is a crap shoot. One time I found a special event in Rome where they were putting a wrap on a new Alfa, while the rest of the room was engaged in idle chatter and cocktails…albeit in Italian.

    The rest of the time it’s a lot of Turkish cab drivers in pretty much any city in Europe, sometimes NYC, and elsewhere.

    The rest of the time, it’s just bored people looking for someone to talk to. But one time, I did get a scenic tour of Vienna from a bus window. I’ve never been to Vienna. Well, I’ve been to Vienna, Georgia a few times, but we pronounce that vie-Enna.

    Overall, it’s just another iteration of the CB radio, just 40 years later.

    • 0 avatar
      CoreyDL

      How does it not devolve into a slightly different version of ChatRoulette with lots of crotch shots?

      • 0 avatar
        Rod Panhard

        They monitor that. About two weeks ago, there was a DJ at a strip club in Miami. Most of the time, he was showing the monitors of his equipment. But periodically, he’d “up periscope” at the three ladies on the floor and pole. Then they shut him down.

    • 0 avatar
      ducatimechanic

      Yes, wonderful Georgia. I used to ride all around Fort Stewart, and would even sometimes get as far out as Vienna (made the trip back and fort the Benning a few times). Some really pretty places.

  • avatar
    stevelyon

    I live in Yosemite and do Periscope broadcasts occasionally, whenever there’s something interesting going on in the valley or if I end up somewhere cool (that also happens to have cell service) on my moto.

    Not saying there aren’t plenty of Millennials on Periscope that need to get off your lawn, but that isn’t the whole story.

  • avatar
    bball40dtw

    “and you see me and Zack de la Rocha rolling a Viper ACR loaded with grenade launchers down the street”

    Since you’d be rolling with de la Rocha, what are you doing first? Freeing Mumia Abu-Jamal, freeing Leonard Peltier, going to help the Sendero Luminoso, or going to help the Zapatistas?

    Maybe just drive around a track as fast as possible while listening to “No Shelter” turned up to 11?

    • 0 avatar
      Jack Baruth

      Definitely the Shining Path guys. Going to get them an endorsement for a new Mitsubishi SUV.

      COME WITH IT NOW!

      • 0 avatar
        bball40dtw

        They’ve been around since 1980 and don’t even have a Truck/SUV endorsement! ISIS is new to the game and they already have a full Toyota sponsorship. The Sinaloa cartel has their Ford deal in place too. The Shining Path needs someone with automotive connections.

        • 0 avatar
          28-Cars-Later

          Shining Path is in decline, its all about FARC now.

          • 0 avatar
            bball40dtw

            FARC is old school. Been around since the 60s. Basically, they need to merge and get a truck deal. Neither has a strong brand right now.

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            Merger?

            Sounds like Goldman or JPMorgan should set up an M&A office for Professional Terrorism. Think of the commissions!

            SPANISH GUY: Okay, man, here’s the sugar. Now you give us the money.
            HOMER [leaving with sugar]: That wasn’t part of the deal.
            SPANISH GUY [pulls out a contract]: He’s right. Who wrote this thing?!

          • 0 avatar
            bball40dtw

            I wouldn’t put it past them to already have such an office set up. I’ve met Jamie Dimon, and he is more than capable of spinning the opening of a Terrorism M&A office as a positive thing. He’s the kind of guy that will accept a $13 billion fine because whatever he was fined for made $100+ billion over however many years they were doing it.

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            Sic Semper Tyrannis where is JW Booth when you need him?

          • 0 avatar
            bball40dtw

            Oh, and HSBC actually was helping fund terrorism. They are “sorry” though.

            http://www.theguardian.com/business/2012/jul/17/hsbc-executive-resigns-senate

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            I’m sure they are so sorry, I wonder if the politicriminals are sorry for cashing the HSBC donation checks?

    • 0 avatar
      VolandoBajo

      I thought all the Sendero Luminoso leadership was doing life in a Peruvian prison, Subcomandante Zero had transformed the Zapatistas from a guerrila movement into a legitimate political party.

      As to the other two, I do not know enough to comment, except to say that Mumia is still seeking publicity and I lost track of Peltier a long time ago.

      Out of the four, the only one who seems to have a legitimate beef that extends beyond his personal actions and goals would be Subcomandante Marco, but then again, he could be as duplicitous as certain Cuban revolutionaries proved to be. Not many people are aware of the inherent racism of Che Guevera for example, because they only saw the movie version of Motorcycle Diaries, plus they may have expurgated that part from the English translation, but it is there in the original.

      And I am one of those who wants to know what really happened to Commander Camillo Cienfuegos. We already know what happened to Huber Matos.

      Viva la revolución, my *ss!

      Or as the chorus to Marat/Sade conclude: “Marat, we’re poor, and the poor stay poor…”

      I’m reading Alba’s book on Latin America, where he points out that the common thread throughout Latin America is an oligarchy of one or two percent, a middle segment of fifteen to twenty percent literate and politically informed, and a vast majority he calls the submerged underclass.

      What scares me the most is that our country is beginning to resemble that, and the traditional “remedies” have never seemed to work.

      The Marx brothers (the Russian ones) always seem to win out over the Bakunins, the Castros always win out over the Cienfuegos and Matos faction, and the rich just keep on getting richer while the poor and middle class just keep getting poorer.

      And stay of my lawn, too. Except for a few of you who I consider to be online friends.

      Fortunately, I think Jack was using a flight of literary fantasy. At other times he seems to be too level-headed for this to be anything other than a literary device.

      Though if I spot Jack riding around in a Viper with grenade launchers, I’ll let you know.

  • avatar
    Driver8

    Cue stock graphic gif of Bugs Bunny sawing Florida off.
    And the scene of the 40 Year Old Virgin getting puked on.

    Oh, and a big swipe left.

  • avatar
    sportyaccordy

    Hey JB can you post some of The Weeknd’s Autotune songs? “The Hills” didn’t have it, and I can’t find any songs by him where he uses it.

  • avatar
    SlowMyke

    This is the other side of the “stars, they’re just like us!” coin. The youth’s obsession with fame/ popularity is all-consuming and must be tended to at all times, no matter what. I don’t know what the fix is, but somehow people have got to get their heads out of their asses and start being present in what they’re actually doing. Driving is probably the most pertinent example of this.

    Also drunk drivers and distracted drivers are awful. Drunk AND distracted drivers are a new special kind of scum.

  • avatar
    dwford

    This is such a low accountability generation, it seems like they don’t even understand the concept of laws and the consequences of breaking them. Unfortunately our society is now set up to reward such people, and not let natural selection take its course.

    • 0 avatar
      sgeffe

      Shows-to-go-ya what happens when EVERYBODY gets a trophy! And had their PARENTS bitching to their college professors while HOVERING over them in a rotary-winged device, if you get my drift!

      Which explains this country’s sociopolitical course! Remember what happened to ancient Rome and Greece??!! Better read up on it!

  • avatar
    Raymond Hieber

    “…soundtrack to a hundred thousand unintentional prole-pregnancies…”

    A hundred thousand AND ONE now. Thanks for the link.

    I used something called Ustream a few times to share things with friends. I noticed one of the users was not someone I recognized despite being invite-only, so I never streamed again.

  • avatar

    Always remember:

    There is more MONEY in ATTENTION

    There is more ATTENTION in FAILURE turned to SUCCESS

    ATTENTION = MONEY

    People used to have “shame” till the shameless started getting attention and getting richer.

  • avatar
    kvndoom

    I had never heard of “The Weekend” before last month. Stepkids said “we got this new CD, and it’s really good!” Without ever hearing a word of it I knew it would be vulgar, graphically sexual and probably debasing of women. Because that’s what constitutes “good music” these days.

    Listening to only a few random minutes of it in passing (second hand noise pollution perhaps?) confirmed all my suspicions.

    And what is this Periscope thing? Doesn’t Skype already do live video? Or is this just Skype that all your so-called “friends” can see?

    • 0 avatar
      dwford

      I wonder how many parents would let their kids listen to most popular music if they heard the unedited version instead of the bleeped radio version. It’s really unbelievable and totally at odds with the PC push for watching language and for inclusion.

    • 0 avatar
      bikegoesbaa

      Yeah, why can’t we go back to the wholesome and respectful music that kids listened to a generation ago.

      You know, like Guns and Roses, and Poison, and Motley Crue. Those guys would never be vulgar or graphically objectify women.

      Go a generation beyond that and we get into real gentlemen like the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin.

      Even earlier we get class acts like Chuck Berry, who would surely never do something like smuggle an underage girl across state lines for nefarious purposes.

      Crazy how music only became prurient noise performed by lecherous madmen recently, right?

      • 0 avatar
        CoreyDL

        Heep…

        Heephop..

        Heephop-anonymous!

      • 0 avatar
        Drzhivago138

        + ∞

        Unless all you ever listened to “back in the day” was Pat Boone and Paul Anka, it’s useless to criticize “today’s popular music” as being immoral.

      • 0 avatar
        Jack Baruth

        That’s the fallacy of the beard.

        Music has been sexual and prurient since the first person sang the second note. Always will be. I want a little sugar in my bowl. Greensleeves.

        But what passes for R&B nowadays is meritless trash. These morons take the wink-and-nudge moments of people like the Isley Brothers or Ms. Jody and they use that as the moral ceiling of what they’re doing.

        Virtually all of pop now is that one miserable line from Appetite For Destruction — the “turn around” line — repeated again and again with Auto-Tune and the bloop bleep beat.

        • 0 avatar
          CoreyDL

          I need to listen to some anti-current R&B. I cannot decide if that would be:

          A) Donald Byrd or
          B) Cake circa 2001

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            Never there, You’re never there, You’re never, ever, Ever ever there

          • 0 avatar
            CoreyDL

            An old man sits, collecting stamps in a room all filled with Chinese lamps. He saves what others throw a-waay, says that he’ll be rich someday.

          • 0 avatar

            She wants a car with a cupholder armrest

            She wants a car that will get her there

            She’s changing her name from Kitty to Karen

            She’s trading in her MG for a white.. Chrysler.. Lebaron

          • 0 avatar
            CoreyDL

            I suspect the Lebaron will get you there 89% more often than the MG would.

            At Citibank we will meet accident’ly

            MEET ACCIDENT’LY

            We’ll start to talk when she borrows my pen.

        • 0 avatar
          OneAlpha

          Just out of curiosity, when the hell did “Rhythm & Blues” devolve into “R&B?”

          • 0 avatar
            CoreyDL

            Late 80’s, early 90’s. Slightly before New Jack Swing.

          • 0 avatar
            Drzhivago138

            1977, at the very latest. On Running on Empty, Jackson Browne mentions R&B as being one of the genres of records they keep on the bus in “The Load-Out.” Unless we’re talking about “Contemporary R&B.”

          • 0 avatar
            bball40dtw

            “R&B” was first used in the late 40s.

          • 0 avatar
            VolandoBajo

            Although it can be traced back to the Forties, until about 1960 it was known in the music trade as “race music”.

        • 0 avatar
          Messerschmitten

          Now now. I see “The Hills” as an update, 41 years on, of Randy Newman’s “Marie.”

          You looked like a princess the night we met
          With your hair piled up high
          I will never forget
          I’m drunk right now baby
          But I’ve got to be
          Or I never could tell you
          What you meant to me

        • 0 avatar
          DeadWeight

          ***Urgent***

          You and other TTACers need to read this (it establishes how pathetic modern music is):

          October 2, 2015

          The Scandinavian Secret Behind All Your Favorite Songs

          The software of hit songs now. We’ll look at the algorithms, computer generated beats and producers making it happen for Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and more.

          https://onpoint.wbur.org/2015/10/02/dr-luke-taylor-swift-katy-perry-pop-music

          • 0 avatar
            Drzhivago138

            Terrible pop music has always existed. Before this algorithm, it was just a bunch of songwriters in LA doing it by hand. The “four chords of pop” were adapted from Pachebel’s Canon in D. The most popular song of 1969 was not by the Stones or CCR, but “Sugar Sugar” by the Archies.

            http://www.cracked.com/article_18983_5-complaints-about-modern-life-that-are-statistically-b.s._p2.html

          • 0 avatar
            kvndoom

            Michael Jackson was one of the most successful and prolific singer/songwriters of all time and not only did he command respect for over 3 decades, he will still command respect and be relevant when most of us are dead and buried. He might have been off the rocker at life, but he was a true genius when it came to music.

            And he did it without dropping f-bombs, portraying women as fu*ksticks, or being explicitly sexual. Nothing coming from the ADD generation will ever match his relevance.

            He even frequently used real instruments in the background! The humanity!

          • 0 avatar
            RideHeight

            “Michael Jackson was”…

            A Pioneer of Pain Medicine!

            I’ve had propofol… lemme tell ya, fellow arthritis sufferers, I was haulin’ up and down stairs like a teenager the next two days!

            It must suppress joint pain. Maybe that’s why he could still dance like he did so late in the game.

      • 0 avatar
        tresmonos

        I listened to MoFi’s analogue remastering of Miles Davis Kind of Blue last night. Which makes anything with lyrics seem like someone just pushing a useless god damned agenda.

        I’m sure Coltrane’s and Davis’ brilliance on that album was dynamically influenced by their battles with heroin.

        Maybe one day society will look back upon artist like E-40 and think his hit ‘Choices’ was ground breaking as it was influential on generations of musicians to come?

      • 0 avatar
        kvndoom

        Well I spent the 90’s listening to the likes of Jeehun Hwang, Swing Out Sister, Hiroshima, Rippingtons, Gustav Holst, Iwata & Sakimoto, Lee Ritenour, Dave Grusin, Maurice Ravel, Hiroki Kikuta, Pink Floyd, Aaron Copland, Genesis, to name a short few…

        In this century, Poets of the Fall, Kaya Project, and Zero 7 have been my greatest finds, and often led me to other lesser loves.

        I turned off the radio when the 80’s ended. I saw where pop music was going and I didn’t care for much of it anymore. Sure there always has been and always will be every generation’s “devil music,” as my grandparents would have called anything that wasn’t gospel (blech). Nothing’s gonna change. Doesn’t mean I have to listen to it or like it.

      • 0 avatar
        sgeffe

        Even we Gen-Xers who came of cage during rap’s birth I think can agree that the beginnings (Will Smith et. al.) weren’t that bad (as maybe even our parents). (I just got a little tired of hearing how good everyone was “on the mike,” in the “that’s all you got?” sense.)

        Today, the garbage spewing out of car speakers cranked so loud as (to use my tired euphemism) to shatter the windows at the top of the Freedom Tower from down in the Battery, in cars with wheels stolen off the conveyances at JFK, and being driven with seats at a permanent 50-degree recline, can’t even be called “music” even in the same breath as ’80s hair bands, original rap artists, ’80s pop, or anything else from farther back. Someplace, that crap jumped the shark, likely at the same time as when the remainder of our popular culture in general really went over the cliff!

        (I know, I know: GET OFF MY FVCKING LAWN!!!!)

    • 0 avatar
      Drzhivago138

      “Without ever hearing a word of it I knew it would be vulgar, graphically sexual and probably debasing of women. Because that’s what constitutes “good music” these days.”

      You didn’t even give it half a listen, and yet you’re now an expert on modern popular music? I bow before your superior knowledge, O great one!

      • 0 avatar
        kvndoom

        Since you’ve taken what I said out of context, I’ll reign it back in…

        Considering I’ve known these kids for 5 1/2 years, and lived with them for over 4, yeah I am most definitely an expert on what THEIR tastes are.

        So by all means, take a bow. And kiss the ring while you’re down there.

        • 0 avatar
          Drzhivago138

          *Rein. Like a horse.

          Given what you’ve now said, then maybe it would have been better to say “Because that’s what they see as “good music.” Not to insult the kids, but it’s unfair to a lot of modern artists to immediately dismiss their works as vulgar. The explosion of various genres in the last 30 years means that there’s not a single adjective that can be applied to the entirety of music produced after 19XX. If you dive in expecting to find trash, that’s all you’ll find. Keep an open mind, otherwise you’ll end up listening to the same list of songs your entire life.

  • avatar
    tresmonos

    What a time to be alive.

    (not a reference to the ‘mixed tape’)

  • avatar
    CoreyDL

    I’m so tired of Floridians f*cking everything up for everybody. Can’t these people stop themselves!?!

    I can’t believe Jack missed an opportunity to weave a Periscope reference with some “Your Body is a Wonderland” lyrics.

    Also, this is the first time I’ve heard of Periscope.

    • 0 avatar
      28-Cars-Later

      Fight ’em

      • 0 avatar
        CoreyDL

        Wasn’t it some Floridians who had the first Selfie-Stick car crash as well?

        The stick dipped down as they passed it to the other passenger in the back (IIRC) and it hit the gear shift on their Corolla/Saturn, throwing the car into park at highway speed.

        • 0 avatar
          Exfordtech

          If the stick managed to shift the vehicle into park (simultaneously depressing the shift release button while moving the shift lever through from DNRP) I’d be impressed.

          • 0 avatar
            CoreyDL

            Perhaps it went to L then. I’ll try and find the vid for you, it’s been a while since I saw it.

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OrnISO_lhc

            On their way to Busch Gardens, which I believe is in Tampa.

    • 0 avatar
      VW16v

      At any one time in Florida about30-40% of the drivers are drunk. You can buy a bottle of vodka at a restaurant for your table. I got tired of taking care of the people overdosing 20+ times in my old hospital. Moving to Utah is a breath of fresh air. Mormons don’t drink, much less drunk drivers on the road. In Florida most bars will serve you until you cannot stand.

  • avatar
    OneAlpha

    For the thousandth time. If you’re doing something you know you’ll get in trouble for,

    DO NOT DOCUMENT IT!

    This is what happens when you combine computers with the children of a generation that couldn’t parent and couldn’t stay married.

  • avatar
    Verbal

    She is 23 and her name is Whitney. That right there paints a picture, doesn’t it.

    My brother and his wife used to hire babysitters from their neighborhood whom they collectively referred to as the Nees. Their names were Courtney, Whitney, Tiffany, Britney, etc. Our Ms. Beall was born right smack in the middle of the Nee naming era in America.

  • avatar
    carrya1911

    I believe they really are *that good* with their phones. It’s something they do so much it’s been drilled to the point of subconscious competence. Think about how many great guitarists could be on stage high and drunk off their ass and yet still play so well that the audience had no clue.

    I’m convinced some of these kids could continue to use their phones uninterrupted if you were to suddenly amputate the arm holding the phone. I’d bet they’d be able to post “OMG!” to twitter and facebook and put up a vine about it before the nerve impulses in the now severed arm stopped completely.

    • 0 avatar
      bball40dtw

      Having that technology from a young age certainly makes kids more proficient with their phones. My daughter turns 3 next month and the only time she “uses” a tablet is to watch “Scooby-Doo” while eating breakfast. I was setting it up for the first few weeks. Now, she gets in her chair, turns the tablet on, opens it from a lock screen, opens the right program, and turns on the Scooby-Doo episode she wants to watch (typically the one with the haunted ice cream factory). It’s ridiculous.

      • 0 avatar
        28-Cars-Later

        I’m going to play hypothetical parent here, I don’t know if I want my children exposed to that at such a young age. I date girls who as adolescents were exposed to a somewhat mature internet and as early adults were exposed to first generation phones and they aren’t as well adjusted as I/we were in our time of no phones and primitive internet.

        • 0 avatar
          bball40dtw

          I’m with you. As a parent, the internet terrifies me.

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            You can control access on Wifi/LAN with blocking software/firewall rules etc but I’ve read about parents giving the kids cell phones in kindergarten. Now you are at the mercy of the cell phone ISP. Hell I heard about grade school kids and cell phones in 2003 which was somewhat ok when it was a PHONE.

          • 0 avatar
            Wheeljack

            If someone is determined to give their kid a cell phone in the name of “safety”, then just give them one with no data plan and prepaid minutes. Run out of minutes? Oh well, it’ll have to wait until next month before we get you some more. Even a phone with no minutes can still place a 911 call, so that addresses the safety issue.

      • 0 avatar
        CoreyDL

        Do you think if you moved the program icon to a different place that she could still find it?

        If I had a little kid, I would be doing little “How much detail do they notice?” tests like that all the time.

        • 0 avatar
          bball40dtw

          I move it and add icons all the time. She still knows where Scooby Doo lives.

          • 0 avatar
            CoreyDL

            I knew how to use a Lite Brite and Etch-A-Sketch when I was 3. And that’s my “tablet.”

            I feel so modern!

          • 0 avatar
            Drzhivago138

            I still can’t get an Etch-A-Sketch to do what I want.

          • 0 avatar
            28-Cars-Later

            Me either, tool of the devil ’tis.

          • 0 avatar
            CoreyDL

            I usually just get all of the graphite when I try it.

          • 0 avatar
            bball40dtw

            More often than not my daughter’s “tablet” is her Magna Doodle. We have three of them. They won’t erase after a certain amount of uses.

            I’ve been drawing a lot of horses, cats, dogs, elephants, and crocodiles lately.

          • 0 avatar
            Quentin

            We’ve really enjoyed Daniel Tiger for my daughter’s TV time. It is done by the Fred Rogers company. Great little lessons, easy-to-remember songs that are relevant to toddler life, and very entertaining for the kid. They have an episode where Daniel is very wound up, so they sing a song that goes “give a squeeze, nice and slow, take a deep breath, and let it go” to help him calm down. I can’t tell you how many times that song has defused a meltdown. She whimpers “see daddy, I calmed down.” after we recite the song together. My wife jokes that she co-parents with D.Tiger.

        • 0 avatar
          dal20402

          Parent of 18-month-old here. They figure it out. Quick.

          He’s already figured out how to get to his favorite video of howling wolves on my wife’s iPad. We only let him watch it for a few minutes once a day, and that’s enough.

          • 0 avatar
            bball40dtw

            My advice for you is to buy a Magna Doodle if you do not already have one. Now is the age where he’ll start to like that kind of thing. He can use while you clean up all the Play-Doh.

          • 0 avatar
            Quentin

            Jesus, the Playdoh. Kill me. Esther has this play doh barber thing where the cat and dog grow hair and you cut it. And then the bits end up in the carpet in the playroom and I’m crawling around trying to find every bit. I’m going to have to set up a clay/doh area in the garage for her to play. The mess is driving me bonkers.

          • 0 avatar
            bball40dtw

            Play-Doh is the devil’s clay. I’m sure they extrude it in hell.

    • 0 avatar
      Domestic Hearse

      Carrya1911,

      I agree. I’ve watched the nieces and nephews text over 90 wpm one handed while doing something else simultaneously — eating a slice of pizza, talking to someone, riding a skateboard. Their phones never leave their person, ever. They’re either in-hand, in a pocket, in a purse, on the table next to them. And they average 200-500 texts per day. That’s not counting all the other apps, photos, videos they’re also running. It’s like an appendage, a second brain, an alternate parallel reality they all have/live in. While I’m impressed with their proficiency with their devices, I’m also apprehensive as well. What kind of world will they make for themselves in the decades ahead when the one they currently (and preferably) live in is a digital facsimile of real life?

      • 0 avatar
        Toad

        The beauty of kids using smartphones is public spaces are much quieter now.

        Remember not so long ago that when 2 or more adults went to a restaurant you dreaded being seated next to a table with kids because of the constant din of kids being noisy kids? Or in a mall/public place any group of teenagers was a constant roar of yelling/giggling/Oh My God? Traveling with kids was to referee constant fighting/taunting/questions.

        Now kids just stare at screens and are practically silent. The quiet is great. They may grow up to be zombies, but for now I’m good with it.

        • 0 avatar

          The tech proficient will also be in danger of the ADHD/ADD/no focused attention for more than a few seconds. Reading a book will be a BORING CHORE as a result. There have been studies done on this and it definitely contributes to short attention spans and the inability to focus on anything for more than a few minutes at a time.

          Someone will mention “they sure are focused on their phones though”. While true, they aren’t looking at their phones, they’re looking at the content on the phones. A bit different from my pov.

          Crazy world, ain’t it?

      • 0 avatar
        StatisticalDolphin

        Apprehensive?

        Be afraid.

        A friend is a middle school teacher. By the time they reach 6th or 7th grade their brains are saturated with porn, brought to them by their smartphones, fire hoses of depravity. Giving BJs behind the school during recess. Then using the phones to share the experience with their friends.

        This is what a doomed society is like.

        • 0 avatar
          krhodes1

          Uh, I’m 46 and things were just the same when *I* was in school. From 6-9th grade I went to a decidedly lower class school district, my Jr High had a nursery for the students kids. 10th-12th grade I went to school in a VERY wealthy town. The difference – rich kids get these things quietly taken care of, so there is no need for the nursery. There was not a real difference otherwise. Today the little [email protected] video it, but we would have back then too if we had the means. One of my HS buddies made a sex tape with his girlfriend in the back room of the school broadcast studio using the pro equipment!

          The Internet makes getting porn easy, but there was NO shortage of porn mags and video tapes back then either. Puberty is puberty.

          I visited Herculaneum this summer, the Romans had what we consider pornography on their bedroom wall frescos.

        • 0 avatar
          Drzhivago138

          The town my mother grew up in was across the river from a reservation. The best her school could hope for in any given year was 2/3 graduation rate, with usually 2-3 girls pregnant (out of a graduating class of 20). My father’s HS, which I attended 29 years later, did a little better, with 5 new mothers out of 70 students. By the time of my graduation we had one student pregnant out of 76 and all but two graduating.

          The CDC indicates that pregnancy rates have dropped 10% since 2012. I have no fears about the survival of humanity, except for the naysayers who are constantly trying to hold us back by complaining about how horrible things are now, and how great they used to be.

  • avatar
    its me Dave

    After the driver was identified as Ms Whitney Beall, “Florida man” breathed a sigh of relief.

  • avatar
    ajla

    Well, she seems fun. Plus, Lakeland is pretty close.

  • avatar
    jonsey

    ” thus bringing the average 23-year-old American woman just that much closer to her dream of becoming a fourth-rate reality television “star” at the expense of all other potential accomplishments.”

    Like going to a bar and going home for a one night stand she’ll later regret with a late 30 something auto journalist?

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