By on August 12, 2013
Yeah, I opened this up for the screen shot, but I had been listening

Yeah, I opened this up for the screen shot, but I had been listening

You have heard it before, you’ll hear it again. Probably soon, probably better and probably from Louis CK, in which case it will definitely be funnier.

But what an age we live in! Literally, a mere 10 years ago my wife sat at home hoping my once a week phone call from Africa would actually connect. Today, I am texting her as she has lunch with her little brother in Virginia. But what’s more impressive is that I am doing that while watching real time race updates as my buddies the Three Pedal Mafia and their beater Rolls Royce battle Speedycop and his amazing upside down racecar at on the 24 Hours of Lemons at NJMP. The mighty K Car wagon is there as well.

Unfortunately, I believe that is the S-10 Sea Sprite, The Rolls is not doing well

Unfortunately, I believe that is the S-10 Sea Sprite, FB tells me the Rolls is totalled

Yeah, you can watch big races live on the a giant TV from almost anywhere with electricity, but I am here, in a hotel in Amman Jordan, Guinness slippers on, getting real-time lap by lap updates on my iPhone with the Race Monitor App. This allows me to annoy my east coast teammate with useless observations and pointless advice so obnoxiously, it’s like I am there, only they didn’t have to buy me a case of Dos XXs.

Seriously, what is most unlikely? Unicorn farts or NJ College virgins?

Seriously, what is most unlikely? Unicorn farts or NJ College virgins?


This is not up to the minute action of the latest Formula 1 race, but this is “as-it-happens” track data from a crapcan race. All in the comfort of a small couch while Brittany Howard serenades me from my Alabama Shakes Pandora station.

Yeah, I know I’m not cool, call me a fanboi, trend jumper, whatever. I will read it, from right here, on the same couch, 8,000 miles away. I will probably read it within seconds of you clicking “comment.” But I move my lips when I read, so it will take a while. I am from Georgia after all.

But think about it. To place the concept in another time frame; it’s like my Dad being able to watch a Friday night grudge race from his leatherette La-Z-Boy by tuning to a UHF channel back when I was a wee lad. Except the TV is in Spain, a heckler can toss beer can at him from Australia, all while he typed up a story about it. Then mailed that story to German editor in Japa…you see where this is going right?

Of course you do. I am pointing out that you can mock me, as I bother my team, while we are watching live updates and our snarky criticism of other people can span the globe. I only ask that for a few seconds prior to your slapping that “enter” key with resolute authority, you think about the wonder of it all.

It’s pretty cool huh?

Go Three Pedal Mafia!

Fire away.

W. Christian Mental Ward has owned over 70 cars and destroyed most of them. He is a graduate of Panoz Racing School, loves cartoons and once exceeded the speed of sound. Married to the most patient woman in the world; he has three dogs, a Philosophy degree and a gift for making Derek and Jack wonder if English is actually his first language.

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18 Comments on “On Brittany Howard, LeMons and New Jersey College Virgins...”

  • avatar
    Felis Concolor

    “This video is private.”

  • avatar

    As someone that went to college in the great Garden State, gotta disagree. Plenty of virgins…in the Engineering School..where I was.

    But at least there was the Scarlet Pub and Golden Rail and plenty of uninhibited drunk girls on College Ave. Or so I’m told; I was too busy studying for crystallographic chemistry or linear algebra or some similar class.

    • 0 avatar

      I figure you didn’t make it over to College Ave very often because you didn’t mention the grease trucks. You engineering throats used to turn my stomach.

      • 0 avatar

        No, we had real work to do in Piscataway. I’m Sure I missed out on plenty of parties and drunk shenanigans. But at least I had my fill of beautiful Asian girls in on Busch campus.

        So how’s that librul arts degree of yours doing nowadays? Can you give me a 10 page paper discussing the political implications of how your $60k Poli-Sci degree didn’t generate a well paying career? Or have you moved up to Assistant Manager or Chief Barista at Starbucks?

        • 0 avatar
          Jack Baruth

          HEYYYY I’m a liberal arts major and I’m the Chief Barista at TTAC!

        • 0 avatar

          and I’m a Poli-sci major and I’m something I don’t really talk about.

        • 0 avatar

          Economics/Accounting Class of 86.

          Yeah, you guys sure seemed busy, from my observations most of you didn’t have time to bathe or change your clothes.

          I don’t know when you graduated, but when I was on on the banks of the old Raritan there was very little bush on Busch. The few Asian chicks I saw had faces like fried octopus.

          BTW, I hope you have fun training your H-1B replacement.

          ETA: My neighbor across the street is a mechanical engineer (NJIT). He calls me when he can’t get his lawnmower started.

          One more thing, my degree didn’t cost me anywhere near $60K. I believe my first semester tuition was something like $850. You kids are so screwed now. Now get off my lawn before I get my M1.

          • 0 avatar

            Ah, economists. Demonstrating how little they really know about what they imagine they can control.

            Engineer ’99. Part of GenX that you boomers screwed over with your money for nothing and your tax breaks for free (rich people).

            Cant speak to the class of 86, but I would question your manhood to be knocking the woman of the Far East on Busch campus in the late 90s.

            Your neighbor went to NJIT. You just invalidated the idea hes an engineer: he couldn’t get into Rutgers engineering.

            As for your gun, keep it. Once your too old to lift it, we’ll harvest your organs to sell to sols for meat to pay down the debt you left us with.

          • 0 avatar

            I’ve done work for a couple engineering firms. Every time I come across an engineer who has a greatly inflated sense of his own self worth, it just so happens that he can’t engineer his way out of paper bag. I’ve noticed this about doctors and lawyers as well.

            At the last engineering firm were I worked, the owner was in the process of canning his Murican engineers and replacing them with H-1Bs……the Muricans were kept on until they trained their replacements. Ain’t that a free market kick in the head?

            As for that generation gap crap, I’m either the last of the boomers, or the first of the Xers, depending on whether you accept the cutoff date as 1960 or 1964. Now, as then, I feel a much closer association with the Xers.

        • 0 avatar

          Philosophy degree, and it gets me picked on for terrible proofreading (righteously so) when I submit articles to TTAC.

          It’s OK though, I didn’t pay for it my liberal arts degree, you all did!

          I did, however, have a real job immediately after graduation.

          Can’t we set aside this liberal arts vs engineering strife and pick on the ones who really deserve it…Business majors! You know, the only girls who wore makeup to class after their freshman year.

  • avatar



  • avatar

    Big ups for Maximum Attack’s #317 cardboard special at that race! I think they finished at least. Behind an aeroplane.

  • avatar

    Long live LeMons.
    Where else would you hear about a brown Rolls Royce suffering damage while being competitively raced?

  • avatar

    I’m surprised I’m not the only person who ever used Orb.

    • 0 avatar

      Great eyesight. I made the image and can’t see that. It’s an account from a previously deployed buddy who loads up stuff for me to binge watch over here. Last month I got all three season of ‘Ashes to Ashes.’ I walked around saying “Right. Let’s Fire up the Quatro” until my roommate threatened to kill me.

  • avatar

    You have some incredible group text message conversations.

    Also, the bio? Spot-on.

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