This Aggression Will Not Stand, Man: Portland Declares War On Working Panthers

Jack Baruth
by Jack Baruth
this aggression will not stand man portland declares war on working panthers

The Portland city council two years ago put in place regulations that force limousine and sedan services to charge a $50 minimum for rides to and from the airport, and at least 35 percent more than taxis for trips to any other destination. And these transportation companies cannot pick up customers until at least an hour after the customer calls for a ride… “The main thing is that you don’t want the Town Cars to take all of the best fares, which are to the airport, and not leave any for the taxi industry,” [a city official] said. “That’s why there’s a minimum fare and a one-hour wait requirement.”

That’s right: the city of Portland is attacking the Lincoln Town Car, by name, in legislation and public speech. To the diminishing community of people in the United States who give a damn about the so-called “Constitution”, that’s called a “bill of attainder”. Nor is it empty talk: the city recently fined $635,500. Why?

According to The Weekly Standard, two sedan services, and Fiesta Limousine, had the nerve to offer “Groupons” for service last year. The city responded by throwing down six-figure fines on both companies, which then had to nullify the Groupons or go bankrupt as a consequence.

Is that even legal? These people say “No!”:

Regardless of the legal implications, however, a few facts are clear:

  • Some company out there has the kick-ass domain name,
  • The city of Portland is speaking out against Town Cars.
  • The Town Car is the most American car of all time, notwithstanding the inconvenient detail that it was temporarily assembled in the 52nd state of Ontario for a few years.
  • Speaking out against the Town Car is basically the same as speaking out against America.
  • Which makes the Portland City Council terrorists.
  • This means that, under recent legislation passed while you were all watching the media shooooping George Zimmerman’s face to look whiter, President Obama can authorize remote drone killings of the Portland City Council, without “due process” or any of that other hippie/teabagger crap.
  • But one drone might not be enough to do it.
  • But, given the enthusiastic way the government has interpreted the interstate-commerce clause, surely “drone killing” can be expanded to “ICBM launch”.

That’s right. If Portland doesn’t stop persecuting Town Cars, it may be necessary — patriotic, even — to nuke Portland. However, once the announcement is made that Portland is being nuked, local TTAC readers may want to call a taxi to take you to the airport, since the Town Cars have to wait a mandatory hour before picking you up.

Thanks to TTAC reader “Curvy McLegalbriefs” for the heads-up on this one!

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5 of 71 comments
  • JCraig JCraig on Apr 28, 2012

    I enjoyed my years in Portland but it is a weird place. On the one hand personal liberty is protected more than anywhere else, to the point that public nudity is a protected right and unrestricted strip clubs are perhaps the most common sight around town. People don't bat an eye at same sex couples, purple hair or the wide array of alternative style. OTOH you aren't allowed to pump your own gas. Liquor stores have to close by 8, and most businesses have no right to charge what they want. Even local moving companies are required to all charge the exact same hourly rate. Maybe it's like a left wing wonderland. All the freedom and personal liberties of America with a government that forces business to play fair (by their definition anyway).

    • See 2 previous
    • Dan Dan on Apr 28, 2012

      @Dan "The problem is that the people who have real problems with where you stick your dick (if you have one) are the same people who propose serious penalties for sticking your dick somewhere they have an issue with, even (especially) if it isn’t in them. Hence why people make such a fuss about it." When was the last time someone anyone besides the soapbox fringe proposed let alone successfully inflicted serious legal penalties for bedroom games? That battle is over and done with and busybody government lost for a change. "(I would also hazard that another big left/right disconnect is the “official government getting out of your life = liberty” versus “the empowered classes getting out of your life = liberty”; again, same issue, different viewpoint)." I haven't seen much of "get the empowered classes out of my life." Because the empowered class is typically a megacorp of one kind or another - C, XOM, in Portland apparently taxis - and few people imagine life without the bank and the gas station. I see more of a "get the empowered classes out of my wallet." I'm sympathetic to that, at least until it progresses from keeping profiteering reasonable to demanding free stuff. Those empowered businesses are private-public partnerships with semi-captive market and if the government doesn't check them their customers usually aren't in any position to. But macro is for philosophers and I don't live that far removed from the world. Where I do live, a place that won't let you build on your own property or hire an assistant on Craigslist without ridiculous tax and reporting burdens forfeits the right to talk about personal liberty. No matter how many strip clubs they have. That's not freedom. It's living with your parents albeit with Skinemax in your room.

  • Cfclark Cfclark on Apr 28, 2012

    I travel to Portland quite often on business, and this kind of stuff is why, when I fly into PDX, I rent a Crown Vic, Grand Marquis, or (failing those two) Charger every chance I get, to cart myself and my one carryon around. I actually find Portland a little friendlier than uptight Seattle (to which I also must travel), but then, I lived in Madison for eight years, so I'm familiar with the mindset.

  • Rna65689660 Late last September US 2 from St. Ignace, MI to Everett, WA.
  • Tassos I find it ridiculous to call any of these later, less luxurious, less substsantial (compared to their 1940s-1960s glorious ancestors) Lincolns "rare rides".There was absolutely nothing rare about them. the roads were full of them then.
  • Tassos Highway 1 in CA, both ways (LA to SF)Rheinstrasse in Germany, with spectacular views of the castles distracting the driverAlmost all German Autobahns, over 2 3-day weekends, for a total of 6,000 KMMany European scenic coastal roads, some of them many many times every year (those near my summer home)
  • 6-speed Pomodoro Pikes Peak. Me and a car group arrived half hour before the gate opened so we could set our own pace. Everyone kept their foot on the gas like a gangster until the trees disappeared. Amazing trip.
  • Tassos In Japan any car the size of the Camry is very cumbersome and impractical.In the US those who buy the Camry, 99% of them don't give a rat's behind about driving enjoyment, they are not auto enthusiasts. I also recommend TOyotas to such people whenever they ask me, while I would absolutely never even consider one for me (except maybe a Lexus LS 600h when I turn 105 and probably have a chauffeur anyway)I find it an utterly ridiculous waste of billions of good $ to use the "camry" in any kind of racing, esp NASCAR.