Reading This Loathsome Article Regarding A Tedious Yahoo Press Release About Autobytel's Ridiculous Featured Article Concerning AutoPacific's Meaningless Awards May Inadvertently Summon Cthulhu

Here at TTAC, we read the press releases so you don’t have to. Well, that’s an exaggeration. To begin with, we don’t read them all, because most of them are boring. And sometimes it’s most expedient to simply repackage the press release for your consumption and earn a buck/free trip/free car/logo-branded polyester apparel for our trouble. Most press releases are pretty simple and read something like these:

New Color Options For Slow-Selling Car In Final Year Of Production Expected To Generate Spontaenous Ejaculation In Rats, Soccer Dads

More Powerful Engine For Boring Sedan Increases The Chances Of Fatal Accidents Among Future Fourth Owners, Innocent Bystanders

Concept Vehicle Bearing No Resemblance To Any Future Vehicle Is Sole New Item At Critical Auto Show As Competitors Debut Fresh Lineups

Auto Designer Known For Single Successful Design Moving To New Automaker, Expected To “Design” An Utter Knockoff Of Original Success

Exciting New Marketing Alliance With Foust, Pastrana, Block, And/Or Limp Biskit To Reach Vital New Demographic Of Basement-Dwelling Mooks Whose Parents Occasionally Purchase Pre-Owned SUVs

Those are the usual suspects, and although they are all banal at best, they are not actually evil. The press release of which you are about to read, however, is different. Be warned. You are about to cross the line beyond which there is no return. Clicking the jump may, in fact, summon the Elder God itself, the horrible, animate survivor of the distant aeon…

This tale of evil starts with a company called AutoPacific. As far as I or anyone I asked regarding the subject can tell, AutoPacific is kind of a knock-off JD Power. Like JD Power, AutoPacific surveys people who have nothing better to do than fill out a survey. Like JD Power, AutoPacific uses these surveys to generate a bunch of highly questionable awards which are then sold to the highest bidder shared with the world as a whole through a series of soul-crushing press releases.

AutoPacific’s newest award appears to be the “Ideal Vehicle Awards”. Do not confuse this with the JD Power APEAL (Acronym Purporting to Enhance Appeal to Losers Automotive Performance, Execution, And Layout) Awards. The Ideal Vehicle Awards

[recognize] those products designed most closely to meet the requirements of their buyers. The IVAs are based solely on owner input. These results are the voice of the math. AutoPacific does not have a vote. We only do the arithmetic.

AutoPacific’s IVAs measure the fusion between owner expectations and the reality provided by the manufacturer by quantitatively measuring how closely a vehicle matches those expectations.

An ideal vehicle is one that meets the owner’s expectations for the product. They do not want it changed. They don’t want it bigger. They don’t want it faster. They don’t want its styling changed. When asked what they would change about their new vehicle, buyers who want the least change are driving their ideal vehicle.

That last sentence makes my eyes cross, by the way. Does that mean that if the buyers who want the least change are not asked what they would change about their new vehicle, that they are not driving the ideal vehicle? Or does it mean that the buyers who want the least change can’t respond to the question, because they are busy driving their ideal vehicle? I can’t even think about it.

As is usual with these kinds of scams awards, the AutoPacific Ideal Awards have been completely ignored by an uncaring public but eagerly reTweeted and press-released by the manufacturers who were, er, lucky enough to be mentioned. In fact, it’s a fair bet that the only place you’ll see a mention of AutoPacific awards is in a manufacturer press release…

…unless you read Autobytel.com. In a recent article, Autobytel uncritically and non-ironically reported the results of this ridiculous well-respected awarding of awards. A check of Autobytel’s site shows forty-eight articles about awards, by the way. Read them all at Autobytel’s Awards Page here, which provides separate and distinct links to at least fifteen AutoPacific awards.

Why is Autobytel so interested in sharing the results of AutoPacific’s award-awarding process with the world? I suspect it’s cash-related a heartfelt desire to make sure that every new-car buyer has a chance to read bizarrely-constructed sentences regarding ideal vehicles. (Full disclosure: I called Autobytel’s PR people to get a quote for this article. They had my mortal enemy their Senior Editor, the lovely and talented talented and lovely Michelle Naranjo, return my call. Alas, I was hiding under my desk, shuddering in fear not able to take the call at the time, nor have we successfully connected since.) Regardless of the reasons, publishing AutoPacfic’s press releases appear to be important enough to Autobytel that the company released a press release of its own regarding AutoPacific’s press releases:

Autobytel Features 2011 AutoPacific Ideal Vehicle Awards on Newly Designed Website

Autobytel Inc. (Nasdaq: ABTL), the company dedicated to helping dealers and car-buyers connect online, is pleased to announce it will feature the 2011 Ideal Vehicle Awards (IVA) released today by automotive research and consulting firm, AutoPacific. The awards will be prominently featured on Autobytel’s newly designed flagship site, Autobytel.com, whose consumer mission is to serve as Your Lifetime Automotive Advisor(TM).

Thank Christ they trademarked that phrase before the Chinese stole it.

The new Autobytel.com’s peer-to-peer reviews, exclusive content and user personalization are central upgrades to the recently unveiled site. Adding AutoPacific’s IVA to the site will enhance the new user experience.

“Featuring the Ideal Vehicle Awards on the newly designed Autobytel.com is a natural fit for us,” said Autobytel Inc. President and Chief Executive Officer, Jeffrey H. Coats. “When we redesigned our website, we listened to what consumers wanted from a site like ours, and they repeatedly told us of their desire to hear from other consumers who already own a vehicle they are considering. Given the multitude of features and benefits measured in the IVA by consumers, these awards do just that. We are happy to feature the IVA on Autobytel.com and the Autobytel Facebook page offering true consumer-to-consumer points-of-view.”

That sound you hear is your soul strangling as you read those sentences. You have fallen into the grip of the Dark One himself, the squid-faced monster from the dawn of time. When words have no meaning — when everything is for sale — when a smiling face conveys nothing but vapid profiteering — then, and only then, can Cthulu return to destroy the world.

“We are excited that Autobytel is featuring the Ideal Vehicle Awards on its flagship site, Autobytel.com,” says George Peterson, President of AutoPacific.

Say “flagship” ONE MORE TIME. Mother****er.

“Based on our research, 38% of buyers are influenced by awards won by the vehicle they are considering

Based on my research, 38% of buyers are too stupid to live.

What does it mean when a media source fires off a press release concerning its decision to publish other press releases? Is Autobytel.com, the flagship site of Autobytel, even functioning as a media source in this instance, or is this straight pay-for-publish content? If that’s the case, does that mean that Autobytel should publish a disclaimer when they do more conventional auto-journo stuff? Is this the equivalent of the notorious “Special Advertising Section” found in Car and Driver and Road and Track and so on? If that’s so, should it be marked as such?

All of these are questions which should be asked, and answered, by some qualified media watchdog. I am not that media watchdog. I’m just a fellow hiding under his desk, waiting for Cthulu.