Detroit Irony Day One Wrapup: Neon Leads, Chevette Diesel Still Running, Rent-An-Impala Hits Track
By the end of the day’s session at Gingerman Raceway, fewer than half the entrants’ cars were still moving under their own power. Hot weather and a punishing race course spelled doom for head gaskets, transmissions, brake calipers, and other critical components, while dehydration and fatigue led many drivers to make errors in judgment that sent them straight to the LeMons Supreme Court Penalty Box. A few teams are now poised to take advantage of the harsh attrition rate, both for the win on laps and the Index of Effluency trophy.
When the green flag waves on Sunday morning, the race leader will be the Skid Marks Racing Dodge Neon. This team, winner of last year’s Rod Blagojevich Never-Say-Die 500, hasn’t seen the LeMons Supreme Court’s Penalty Box since… well, ever. They threatened to win the Campaign To Prevent Gingervitis, held here in April, and there’s no doubt that they’ve become the team to beat in the Midwest region.
To get an idea of what it’s going to take to catch these guys tomorrow, watch a bit of in-car video from April’s race.
However, the LeMons veterans in the Free Candy Racing Civic are just a few laps back of the Neon, and they don’t appear to be fading away. One stumble by Skid Marks and— fragile Honda head gasket willing— the Pedobear-themed Civic will take over. Meanwhile, the Teutonic E30 hordes aren’t far behind the top two.
Of course, LeMons aficionados know that the real prize is the Index of Effluency, and the Chevette Diesel made quite a strong IOE statement today. This thing is by far the slowest thing on the track, yet its startling reliability has it starting tomorrow’s session in mid-pack. GM cars always have an Index of Effluency advantage, particularly when their British Leyland competition nukes its engine (as occurred with the James Bondo TR7 early in the day).
We can’t say what will happen with the IOE race tomorrow, because some hitherto overlooked hooptie might outshine the Chevette. We can’t count out Speedycop and his Gang of Outlaws, because their ’65 Impala wagon finally made it onto the race track and looks pretty good out there. The morning dawned with the cage not ready, the roof off the car, and no driver’s seat or harnesses installed.
I set up a timelapse camera in the Speedycop pits to record the action; this sequence compresses about eight hours of work into a few minutes.
This mighty wagon looks glorious out there. Powerglide, 283, four-wheel drum brakes, and a trail of rust flakes in its wake. The dead-stock Impala is passing cars out there, including the Chevette, and it may just be able to climb the standings into IOE territory on Sunday. How high in the standings is that? There’s no formula!
The Impala wasn’t ready until late in the day, but it was much more reliable than anyone expected. The only problem was a strut rod that tore out of its rusty moorings. The owner of the car ( who is renting it to Speedycop for the weekend) showed up and helped fix the problem with the help of the gas-axe.
The LeMons Supreme Court was kept busy for much of the day, with numerous recidivists getting sidelined for three-hour sentences for getting three black flags. It was too hot to dish out the disco-dancing Macho Man penalty, but we did break out our grimy Teletubby costumes for the Skid Row Teletubby penalty.
We introduced the Sandwich Board Penalty today. The miscreant dons a helmet equipped with a Taiwanese National Anthem car-alarm siren and a sandwich board, then marches around the paddock to the derisive hoots of other racers.
Latest Car ReviewsRead more
Latest Product ReviewsRead more
- Dukeisduke Where the hell did he get the money for all those? Likes on YouTube?
- Dukeisduke "U.S. Marshalls"It's Marshals - they're not riding in the Rose Parade.
- Art_Vandelay "...pirating cable television"Was he broadcasting from 1980? Hopefully he doesn't interrupt President Carter's speech.
- Whooba The 96' Impala SS for sale only has 12 miles on the odometer. Holy crap
- Analoggrotto Not a single Telluride, give me a break.