Review: 2009 Ford F-250 Super Duty 4×4

Thanks to soaring gas prices (remember them?), cliff face depreciation, chronic over-production and a withering economy, the majority of the “my-truck’s-an-extension-of-my-huge-ass-belt-buckle” crowd have flown fly the (turkey) coop. We can safely assume that both remaining pickup truck buyers have bona fide big-truck needs: towing, hauling and posing getting dirty. Yes, Virginia, some people really do “need” nearly five tons of truck. If that’s you, it’s hard not to wish for an F-250 Super Duty 4X4 under the Xmas tree. Unless you have a problem with conspicuous consumption…

As a study in “how to make a pickup look like a blinged-out semi,” the F-250 Super Duty shines. The colossal chrome grille and the “jewel effect” headlamps could’ve been pilfered from the show “Trick My Truck.” The slightly-out-of-proportion greenhouse (thanks, mammoth crew cab) recalls the most spacious big rig sleepers. As do the 20″ donuts. In fact, the F-250’s enormous exterior dimensions– a devilish 6.66′ tall– make you wonder if the Super Duty might have 18 of ‘em. The optional red and black two-tone paint adorningout tester helped camouflage this gargantuan hulk. But with only 7.8 inches of ground clearance (on a 4X4?), almost all of that height is just one massive slab of pure truck.

Climbing into this super-optioned Super Duty is like ascending into the tree house of an upscale biker bar. The F-250’s reasonably comfortable (if not entirely supportive) black leather seats look smart. The chrome-ringed gunmetal-on-silver gauges aim squarely for a chic, industrial look. Everywhere you look, black, silver, and chrome abound. Sure, it’s all plastic. And yes, it’s a cheap to the touch. So don’t touch it. Otherwise, BMW money buys a damn luxurious truck; the observatory-sized moon roof, booming stereo and penthouse views co-mingle extravagance and traditional truckness. Truckitude? Truckosity? Truck it.

Speaking of tradition, Ford’s low-end-torque legacy is safer than ever, thanks to the Power Stroke’s 6.4-liter oil-burner-from-high-tech-hell, which diesel- out 350 horses at 3,000 rpm and 650 lb.-ft. of the twisty stuff at just two grand. Twin turbos, Piezo fuel injectors and particulate traps make this diesel meaner and cleaner than nearly any other big mill in Ford’s storied V8 history.

Although I didn’t get to tow anything, I probably wouldn’t have noticed if I had. Ford says this mother can pull 12,500 lbs. with a conventional hitch and 15,300 lbs. with a fifth-wheel rig. But that’s partially due to the limitations imposed by the mandatory 3.73:1 axle ratios in the F-250 4X4. The same engine in the beefier F-450 4X2 (with 4.30 gears) can tow over twelve tons. Sheer size masks the truck’s accelerative prowess, but try checking your speed at the end of a quickly-devoured on-ramp: you’ll slam down the (spongy) brake pedal and strain your retinas scanning for cops.

It takes one helluva chassis to handle power like that, and as far as sheer strength goes, the Super Duty’s got all you’ll ever need. But when it comes to driving dynamics, it takes the tractor-trailer theme a little too far. The Super Duty doesn’t ride or handle much differently from its Reagan-era predecessors. Call me sentimental, but I liked the 1980s “Novacain” power steering better; over-boosted numbness is better than the Super Duty’s rubbery feedback in my book. Still, the deer-stand-high perch aft of the tiller provides strategic high ground for all but the most death-defying parking lot heroics.

Overall, the new F-250 Super Duty frustrates aesthetically and lacks dynamically. So what? It’s big, it’s intimidating and it’ll handle genuine big truck tasks with the best of ‘em— and not even break a sweat in the process. But its significant shortcomings should remind Ford never to rest on its laurels. After all, the whole point of “better ideas” is to keep having them.