Yee-Haw Y'all: It's Time for LeMons Texas

Jonny Lieberman
by Jonny Lieberman
yee haw y all it s time for lemons texas

Listen up you sucks: The 24 Hours of LeMons hits the Sugar Land Road Course in Angleton Texas this Saturday and Sunday, October 18-19. That’s right, dozens of teams will be hauling their $500 hoopties from all over the Southwest to compete for several hundred pounds of nickels. Confused? To quote founder Jay Lamm, “LeMons race cars display gangrenous rust scabs, rattle-can paint jobs, flatulent engines, and other aesthetically unpleasant features. We thus advise all Texans of a sensitive nature to avoid MSR Houston, a racetrack just south of Houston in Angleton TX, between Friday, 17 October and Monday, 20 October.” You got it: he used “thus” in a sentence. More on point me and Murilee Martin will be making our triumphant return as Supreme Court LeMons Judges. In other words, if you cheat (and neglect to bribe us) we’re going to hit you with a lot more than our rubber Mallets spray-painted to look like gavels. Just what exactly? Jump and find out!

Texas, as you may well know, is home to our current President George W. Bush. Having suffered through eight years of his nonsense you can rest assured that us two left-coast pinko ivory tower Maoists will be extracting some modicum of revenge on the good racers of Texas. After all, Murilee and I are nothing more than progressive (and vindictive) Bay Area politics and Hebraic good looks. Life is not fair — just look at your 401k statements! What do we have in mind? Well, last time we made ’em eat pig brains. However, we’re worried that, “Jewish Judge Forces Good Old Boy to Eat the Book of Revelations, Pray Towards Mecca” might be more of a national headline than an automotive one. So we’re dialing it back — a little.

The devious Mrs. Martin has cooked up the Ozzy Osbourne Inertial Penalty Horn. That’s right — if you get out of line you’ll have two Malaise Era Jaguar horns going off against your helmet every time your car moves. We’re also going to have access to an honest to goodness Pikes Peak winning EVO IV. And a paintball gun. You heard me right — put another car in the dirt and we’re coming after you! Then of course there’s the I’m-saving-it-for-race-day Barrack Obama Penalty. Trust me, it’s change you can believe in. And these are just the ones we’ve cooked up so far. Just wait until our mandatory pre-race drinking binge — I mean skull sessions — with the boys that actually run LeMons! You’ve been warned — see you at the race!

Jonny Lieberman
Jonny Lieberman

Cleanup driver for Team Black Metal V8olvo.

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  • ToolGuy "Mr. President, no government agency, no think tank, and no polling firm knows more about the automobile customer than us. We talk to customers every day. As retail automotive dealerships, we are agnostic as to what we sell. Our business is to provide customers with vehicles that meet the needs of their budgets and lifestyles.”• How many lies can you fit into one paragraph?
  • Spamvw Three on the tree, even Generation X would have a hard time stealing one of those.
  • ToolGuy This trend of cyan wheels needs to end NOW.
  • Kwik_Shift Interesting nugget(s) of EV follies.
  • SaulTigh I've said it before and I'll say it again...if you really cared about the environment you'd be encouraging everyone to drive a standard hybrid. Mature and reliable technology that uses less resources yet can still be conveniently driven cross country and use existing infrastructure.These young people have no concept of how far we've come. Cars were dirty, stinking things when I was a kid. They've never been cleaner. You hardly ever see a car smoking out the tail pipe or smell it running rich these days, even the most clapped out 20 year old POS. Hybrids are even cleaner.