The Answerless Question Continues: Porsche Reveals Cayenne Turbo S

Jonny Lieberman
by Jonny Lieberman

In February, Porsche built their 200,000th Cayenne. Come August they'll be building their most bat guano. Meet the new Turbo S. True, the old Cayenne Turbo S had 521 horsepower. But you can barely go across the Gobi desert with that, let alone show your face in the mall parking lot. That's why the new Porker is squeezing 550 horses out of its 4.8-liter twin-turbo mill. Oh, and you want to talk twisting force? The Motor Authority reports that torque's up as well, from 531 lb-ft to 553, allowing you to crush all the other SUVs at the PTA meeting with a flick of your ankle. Actually, forget SUVs– you could totally waste the homecoming queen's 335i to 60 mph (4.7 seconds for the former versus 4.8 seconds for the latter). Sure, her little brother might be driving an equally quick Bimmer 135i, but at least your deformed Touareg is better looking. More good news: the ultimate suburban assault vehicle comes standard with 21 inch donks, way bigger than the 20 inchers found on your neighbors' 'Slades and Benz GL420s. Toss in voice activated Nav, a TV plus a (presumably) killer 14-speaker Bose sound system and there is no question who's the king of the Burger King drive-thru. 'Cause it's you. Most importantly, the new Cayenne Turbo S gives you the option of massive 16 inch carbon-ceramic brakes up front and 14.5 inch gob-stoppers out back. God forbid you should run over little Timmy's Big Wheel. Remember, it's a jungle out there.

Jonny Lieberman
Jonny Lieberman

Cleanup driver for Team Black Metal V8olvo.

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4 of 23 comments
  • Stuki Stuki on Apr 21, 2008

    The most powerful trash truck on earth, and one where there the trash itself gets to do the driving, to boot.

  • Alex_rashev Alex_rashev on Apr 21, 2008

    Make fun of it all you want. 200k Cayennes will mean an awesome source of cheap kit-car engines 20 years down the road. For comparison, all we've got to work with now are anemic 80's V8's and rattly turbo 4-pots of the same era (of the cheap ones, that is). Thus, nothing wrong with Cayenne. It does what a Porsche is supposed to do (it goes fast), makes boatloads of money for its company, and will provide cheap gigantic brakes, wheels and engines down the road.

  • Willbodine Willbodine on Apr 21, 2008

    When Tony Soprano bought Carm a Cayenne to replace her E Class Benz wagon, that told me all I needed to know.

  • Landcrusher Landcrusher on Apr 21, 2008

    Once again, a bunch of negative comments with no basis in anything. Sure, I don’t want that big an engine in my SUV. Certainly, if I wanted performance, I would get a sports car. However, what does a person who wants a car that does everything do to deserve the slings and arrows? Most of the cars we all drive are stupid in one way or another. Get over all the hate folks.