The Blight Before Christmas

Frank Williams
by Frank Williams
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T’was two weeks before Christmas
And all through Detroit,
The car makers were hustling,
But they weren’t too adroit.

They all had such high hopes,
To end up the year,
With a good bottom line
To bring Christmas cheer.

But GM Rick is floundering,
‘Cause his products are stuck,
Way back in the ‘90’s,
He’s plain out of luck.

Poor Chrysler is struggling
To sell what they can.
Doctor Z hasn’t helped them;
Guess he needs a new plan.

Across town at Ford,
All hope’s on Mulally,
But it’s looking quite doubtful
That his sales will soon rally.

Yes, things look quite grim
For the Big Two Point Five,
Yet we all keep on hoping
That they’ll somehow survive.

When Santa hit town,
He just shook his white head.
He scoped out their products
And finally said:

“You know at one time,
American cars stood,
For innovation and change,
And all that was good,

For comfort and style,
And bang for the buck.
Now all I can see,
Are ladder frame trucks.

There’s front wheel drive Jeeps,
And Fords rebadged as Lincoln.
A Cadillac truck?
What have you been drinkin’?

The pistonheads begged me,
To come help all you guys.
I’ll do what I can,
But you must realize-

You’re in pretty deep;
There are no magic pills,
Just hard work and focus,
And leave off the frills.

You’ve let the beancounters
Make every decision;
Your products are suffering,
You need a new vision.

You’ve too many products,
You’ve spread yourselves thin,
Trying to cover all markets,
It’s time to reel in.

Platform sharing’s just fine,
It can help control costs,
But stop badge engineering,
To regain what you’ve lost.

Stay true to your brands
With unique product lines;
Make each vehicle distinct
And you’ll all do just fine.”

Then all three of them huddled
To discuss what they’d heard.
Could this be the answer?
They thought it absurd.

“No way!” they all said,
As they talked ‘mongst themselves.
“What could this guy know?
He should go back to his elves!”

So they told Santa “Leave!
And get out of this place,
We know more than you;
Now get out of our face!”

He shook his head sadly
As he climbed on his sleigh;
He just couldn’t believe them,
Then they all heard him say

“I gave it my best shot,
I tried what I could,
What you get, you deserve.
And you’ll get what you should.

My last bit of advice,
Since you don’t know what class is;
Get your big swelled heads out
Of your dumb corporate asses!”

Frank Williams
Frank Williams

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2 of 32 comments
  • ZoomZoom ZoomZoom on Dec 13, 2006

    Good stuff guys!

  • Mungooz Mungooz on Dec 13, 2006

    I have to respectfully disagree with the stanza (and a half) below. American cars had drum brakes, bench seats (that did not recline), no synchro for low gear on 3-speed transmissions), worm gear steering, tires/wheels 6" inboard from body sides. Imports, even at the low end, had disc brakes, reclining bucket seats, synchromesh 4-speed trannies, rack and pinion steering, wheels at the edges/corners. The difference in the driving experience was like day and night. But American cars did have fins and two-tone paint jobs and chrome. That is until they evolved into FWD fuddy-duddies with fender caps and ho-hum styling. No wonder we are here now. “You know at one time, American cars stood, For innovation and change, And all that was good, For comfort and style, And bang for the buck.

  • Ernesto Perez There's a line in the movie Armageddon where Bruce Willis says " is this the best idea NASA came up with?". Don't quote me. I'm asking is this the best idea NY came up with? What's next? Charging pedestrians to walk in certain parts of the city? Every year the price for everything gets more expensive and most of the services we pay for gets worse. Obviously more money is not the solution. What we need are better ideas, strategies and inventions. You want to charge drivers in the city - then put tolls on the free bridges like the Brooklyn, Manhattan and Williamsburg bridges. There's always a better way or product. It's just the idiots on top think they know best.
  • Carsofchaos The bike lanes aren't even close to carrying "more than the car lanes replaced". You clearly don't drive in Midtown Manhattan on a daily like I do.
  • Carsofchaos The problem with congestion, dear friends, is not the cars per se. I drive into the city daily and the problem is this:Your average street in the area used to be 4 lanes. Now it is a bus lane, a bike lane (now you're down to two lanes), then you have delivery trucks double parking, along with the Uber and Lyft drivers also double parking. So your 4 lane avenue is now a 1.5 lane avenue. Do you now see the problem? Congestion pricing will fix none of these things....what it WILL do is fund persion plans.
  • FreedMike Many F150s I encounter are autonomously driven...and by that I mean they're driving themselves because the dips**ts at the wheel are paying attention to everything else but the road.
  • Tassos A "small car", TIM????????????This is the GLE. Have you even ever SEEN the huge thing at a dealer's??? NOT even the GLC,and Merc has TWO classes even SMALLER than the C (The A and the B, you guessed it? You must be a GENIUS!).THe E is a "MIDSIZED" crossover, NOT A SMALL ONE BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION, oh CLUELESS one.I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THE NONSENSE you post here every god damned day.And I BET you will never even CORRECT your NONSENSE, much less APOLOGIZE for your cluelessness and unprofessionalism.