The Blight Before Christmas

T’was two weeks before Christmas
And all through Detroit,
The car makers were hustling,
But they weren’t too adroit.

They all had such high hopes,
To end up the year,
With a good bottom line
To bring Christmas cheer.

But GM Rick is floundering,
‘Cause his products are stuck,
Way back in the ‘90’s,
He’s plain out of luck.

Poor Chrysler is struggling
To sell what they can.
Doctor Z hasn’t helped them;
Guess he needs a new plan.

Across town at Ford,
All hope’s on Mulally,
But it’s looking quite doubtful
That his sales will soon rally.

Yes, things look quite grim
For the Big Two Point Five,
Yet we all keep on hoping
That they’ll somehow survive.

When Santa hit town,
He just shook his white head.
He scoped out their products
And finally said:

“You know at one time,
American cars stood,
For innovation and change,
And all that was good,

For comfort and style,
And bang for the buck.
Now all I can see,
Are ladder frame trucks.

There’s front wheel drive Jeeps,
And Fords rebadged as Lincoln.
A Cadillac truck?
What have you been drinkin’?

The pistonheads begged me,
To come help all you guys.
I’ll do what I can,
But you must realize-

You’re in pretty deep;
There are no magic pills,
Just hard work and focus,
And leave off the frills.

You’ve let the beancounters
Make every decision;
Your products are suffering,
You need a new vision.

You’ve too many products,
You’ve spread yourselves thin,
Trying to cover all markets,
It’s time to reel in.

Platform sharing’s just fine,
It can help control costs,
But stop badge engineering,
To regain what you’ve lost.

Stay true to your brands
With unique product lines;
Make each vehicle distinct
And you’ll all do just fine.”

Then all three of them huddled
To discuss what they’d heard.
Could this be the answer?
They thought it absurd.

“No way!” they all said,
As they talked ‘mongst themselves.
“What could this guy know?
He should go back to his elves!”

So they told Santa “Leave!
And get out of this place,
We know more than you;
Now get out of our face!”

He shook his head sadly
As he climbed on his sleigh;
He just couldn’t believe them,
Then they all heard him say

“I gave it my best shot,
I tried what I could,
What you get, you deserve.
And you’ll get what you should.

My last bit of advice,
Since you don’t know what class is;
Get your big swelled heads out
Of your dumb corporate asses!”

Join the conversation
2 of 32 comments
  • ZoomZoom ZoomZoom on Dec 13, 2006

    Good stuff guys!

  • Mungooz Mungooz on Dec 13, 2006

    I have to respectfully disagree with the stanza (and a half) below. American cars had drum brakes, bench seats (that did not recline), no synchro for low gear on 3-speed transmissions), worm gear steering, tires/wheels 6" inboard from body sides. Imports, even at the low end, had disc brakes, reclining bucket seats, synchromesh 4-speed trannies, rack and pinion steering, wheels at the edges/corners. The difference in the driving experience was like day and night. But American cars did have fins and two-tone paint jobs and chrome. That is until they evolved into FWD fuddy-duddies with fender caps and ho-hum styling. No wonder we are here now. “You know at one time, American cars stood, For innovation and change, And all that was good, For comfort and style, And bang for the buck.

  • Johnster Not feelin' it. The traditional unreliability of turbo engines is a big turn-off, especially in a work truck that (I hope) you'd want to keep on the road for 200,000 miles or more without having major repairs.
  • ToolGuy Car audio is way overpriced.
  • Marty S The original Charger was a 2 door, as was the landmark 68 model. Its funny that some younger commenters are surprised that its not a four door. I never understood why modern Chargers have been four door sedans. I think the best looking Charger was the 68, absolutely perfect in its lines and proportions. This concept really emulates that and I think I think it looks great.
  • Master Baiter The D-bag elites like Al Gore demanding that we all switch to EVs are the type of people who don't actually drive. They get chauffeured around in black Yukon Denalis. Tesla does have a good charging network--maybe someday they will produce a car that doesn't suck.
  • MRF 95 T-Bird As a Challenger GT awd owner I lIke it’s heritage inspired styling a lot. There’s a lot of 66-67 as well as 68-70 Charger in there. It’s refreshing that it doesn’t look like a blob like Tesla, Volt/Bolt, Mach-e BMW I whatever etc. The fact that it’s a hatch makes it even better as a everyday driver thus eliminating the need for a CUV. If it’s well built and has a reliable track record I can see trading up to it in a few years.