Who's Zoomin' Who? (Whom?)

Joe Chiaramonte
by Joe Chiaramonte
whos zoomin who whom

I'm fresh back from a Mazda marketing boondoggle called “Zoom-Zoom Live." Ford's Japanese brand conducted these ride 'n drives in major markets across the US: DC, Boston, New York, Miami, Houston, Dallas, Atlanta and Chicago. I attended the San Francisco event [actually on a decommissioned Naval air base in Alameda, but the SF skyline was visible]. These kind of "bring the consumers to the product and let 'em loose" deals are supposedly the wave of the future, "high-touch" marketingspeakwise. Unfortunately, car companies seem to have a very strange idea of what "let 'em loose" actually means.

Upon arrival, we were parked in designated areas – Mazda owners and performance cars over here, please – then herded into the Registration tent. Organizers quickly made with the paperwork: a form releasing Mazda from any responsibility for anything, ever. Just in case that didn't cow us into submission, a smiling Mazda rep read us the riot act and pinned us with some stinking badges– which had to be worn at all times. A (static) Mazdaspeed 6 and a CX-7 whetted our automotive appetites while we waited for the mandatory advance penance video. This paean to pistonhead performance tried to convince us that Mazda is the only brand producing passion on planet earth, narrated by a man wearing a polo shirt without a Mazda logo.

Finally, we were cut loose. Gimme a steering wheel! Well, wait just a minute there buddy-san. Or 120. When signing up online, we were invited to select a starting time. It quickly became obvious that temporal measurement was provided by Albert Einstein; the process was nothing more than a relatively feeble attempt to create an even flow of mass over the event’s two day time – space continuum. Meanwhile, we perused tents displaying all of Mazda's fine products. Except the Mazdaspeed 3 (MS3). And the Tribute. And the MPV. And the B-Series truck (which was probably just as well, since the event was about driving, not plodding about with mulch). Other tents sheltered Mazda engines, the new MX-5 Retractable Hardtop and, oddly, a neglected slot car track. A roach coach served up greasy grub for g-force nausea induction.

We had four different coned tracks from which to pick, The "Mazdaspeed Challenge" was a half-mile hike away, where the lines were deeply reminiscent of a certain mouse-themed amusement park (30-minute wait, 25-second ride). In fact, the the hang time for a MazdaSpeed6 (MS6) stretched over two hours. The "Sports Course" was another Rip Van Winkle deal, [eventually] ending with some seat time in an MX-5 or RX-8. The "Matched Time Gymkhana" was a shorter wait, as was the "CX-7 Target Hunt." This something-less-than-PC event gave attendees the chance to shoot rolling cardboard cutouts of the Ford Edge and Buick Enclave with a large caliber paintball gun.

Not really. Pilots drove Mazda's new CUV down a closed course, aiming towards (but not directly at) a set of yellow cones. Our aim: run the CX-7’s nose sensor so that the outside edge of your left front wheel steers between 6 and 18 inches from each of these yellow cones, and complete the course within a specified time frame. I did neither very well, proving what? The CX-7’s sight lines and maneuverability are just as crummy as any numb and inept SUV. Most excellent marketing Ted!

The Gymkhana was a bit more fun, but many of us forgot that the point was to match a time, not to go as fast as humanly possible. This is not advisable in a “Multi Activity Vehicle,” as evidenced by the number of drivers who negotiated curves in the Mazda 5 on three wheels– only to be shown the exit gate by some sour-faced Mazkateers. The outside rear left tread on one of the 5’s was completely worn. All of the vehicles presented for our dining and dancing pleasure had autoboxes or, at best, manumatics. This was probably a good thing.

On the Sports Course, four MX-5's were evenly equipped with manuals and automatics, the latter quite rightly shunned by unqualified drivers in search of public humiliation. Waiting in line, we were entertained by "contestants" who stalled and shuddered their way to the starting line, accompanied by a chorus of most unsportsmanlike hoots and hollers. The event organizers needed a wiffle bat to pound these drivers about the head into the slushbox cars. Those of us who are three pedals proficient waited impatiently, inhaling the acrid smell of burning clutches in the morning. I asked for a list of VINs at exit, so I wouldn't meet any of these vehicles on the used market. Very funny sir. Request denied.

At the end of this [non-Tapscott] carnival of cars, we were awarded “points” in the great Whose Line Is It Anyway? tradition. We were then handed an exit questionnaire and a hat. I’m sure we’ll see an emailed post-briefing, just in case we want to see how badly the data capture fiends had mispelled our names.

From a TTAC industry observer's POV, the most interesting part of the program was the demographics of those inattentive– I mean, in attendance. Fully 90% of the participants were 20-somethings. So where was the MS3? If you're trying to build street cred with a touchy-feely demo, why keep your star player in the locker room? Sure the great unwashed (though not fully indebted) might have broken it, but c'mon. Who's zooming who?

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  • Speed42 Speed42 on Oct 26, 2006

    We attended the Atlanta event as well, Bimmer, under similar circumstances. We drove over from Birmingham, got their late and suffered limited seat time. But, we seemed to have more fun than most of the other posters here. Sure, the lines were long and the courses weren't up to AutoCross competiveness, but hey, where else are you gonna be able to thrash about someone else's car with no threat of legal penalties at no cost? We've gone over for Chrysler (free handrolled cigars and wine tasting, and my wife won an LCD TV) and Mercedes (nice hats) events as well. But the most fun was the BMW event where we not only got seat time in Z4s, but were also given a (very) entry level driving class. I encourage anyone here to try these type events. Sure they're pretty limited, but they're free and sometimes educational and fun.

  • ZoomZoom ZoomZoom on Oct 27, 2006

    Good article! I generally despise rigid events such as these, but I will occasionally attend them. I can see everything I need to see in one single Saturday and get it over with. And to tell the truth, I guess I do have (some) fun at them.

  • Conundrum Can't see that the Espada chassis had much to do with the Miura. The Miura had a rear-mounted transverse V12 with the transmission and final drive all part of the engine block. So it's a bit of a stretch saying the north-south V12 and regular transmission Espada chassis was related to the Miura. It looks to be no more than an update of the 400 GT. And short and long-arm independendent suspension was hardly unique -- a '53 Chev had that in front, it was standard for years on most cars that didn't have Mac struts. The Brits call SLA suspension double wishbone, so Honda thought that sounded more mysterious than SLA and used that terminology in ads, but it's the same thing. Only a few mid '30s cars had same length upper and lower A-arms like a '36 Chev, before the obvious advantage of a short upper arm for camber control was introduced. Of course Ford used a dead beam front axle until 1949, so it was last to climb out of the stone age.Do you have a link to a reference that says the Miura and Espada chassis were related?
  • FreedMike One of the things that we here in North America often forget about Europe is that it's a COMPLETELY different world to drive in. Imagine driving in the downtown area of the city you live in 24/7, and never leaving it, and you have a decent simulation of what it's like to drive in a place like Paris, or London, or Rome - or Manhattan, for that matter. As far as the "dystopia" is concerned, I don't really see it that way. This isn't made for people living in the 'burbs - it's for urban dwellers. And for that application, this car would be about perfect. The big question is how successful the effort to provide large-scale EV charging in urban areas will be.
  • Matzel I am hoping that Vee-Dub will improve the UX and offer additional color options for the 2024 Mk8.5 refresh for Canada. Until then, I'll be quite happy with my '21 GTI performance pack. It still puts a smile on my face going through the twisty bits.
  • Stanley Steamer There have been other concepts with BYOT, that I have always thought was a great idea. Replacing bespoke parts is expensive. If I can plug in a standard 17" monitor to serve as my instrument panel, as well as speakers, radio, generic motors, batteries, I'm for it. Cheaper repair, replacement, or upgrade costs. Heck I'd even like to put in my own comfy seats. My house didn't come with a built in LaZboy. The irony is that omitting these bespoke items at the point of sale allows me to create a more bespoke car as a whole. It's hard to imagine what an empty rolling monocoque chassis would look like capable of having powertrains and accessories easily bolted on in my garage, but something like the Bollinger suv comes to mind.
  • Iam65689044 Sometimes I'm glad the French don't sell in America. This is one of those times.