Bark's Bites: Vote For Bark to Be Editor-in-Chief of Jalopnik!

barks bites vote for bark to be editor in chief of jalopnik

Perhaps you haven’t heard, but our good friend, Patrick George, has left his post as Editor-in-Chief of the widely read G/O Media blog, Jalopnik. He’s now at The Drive, which your author finds a bit strange, since I specifically recall Patrick complaining quite a bit about The Drive being trash and stealing all of its ideas from, well, Jalopnik. But the automotive journalism world is a small one, and when most of us talk stuff about competing blogs, it’s mostly because they won’t hire us to write for them anymore. Ahem. Anyway.

With Patrick’s departure, Mike Ballaban has been named the interim EIC, which made me think, great, just what I needed more white men telling me about cars. But while Mike is generally a good guy who is well-deserving of the job, I can think of somebody who’s even more deserving — me.

That’s right, Jalopnik is looking for a full-time EIC, and I’m just the guy to do it. But I need your support, TTAC readers. Although we may be the Delaware of the Electoral College in comparison to Jalopnik’s New York, our readers are definitely some of the finest people to ever read this blog, and I require your votes in this completely made-up election.

Want reasons why you should cast your ballot for Bark? Read on.

(We here at TTAC aren’t looking to start a rumble with Jalopnik, as entertaining as that might be at the next auto show. Bark is merely expressing why he is and isn’t the best candidate for the only job in automotive journalism more coveted than commenter moderator at TTAC. Bark’s opinions are his own — please remember that before you tweet. – Ed)I own a car.

This would seem like a requirement to run a car blog, but you’d be surprised — after all, Jalopnik once hired a managing editor who didn’t own a car. That being said, I’m pretty sure that most of the transplanted New Yorkers who write for Jalopnik own cars, even if they don’t drive them very often. I think my car-owning status makes me a shoo-in.

I’m completely anti-union.

While most of the current Jalopnik writers have the GMG UNION logo as their current avatar on Twitter, I’m ready to bust up some unions in the tradition of the old newspaper giants — with force, if necessary. This won’t be hard, because at my height of 5’9″ (with heels) and weight of 170 pounds, I would immediately become the largest Jalopnik staff member, and by quite a large margin. I will intimidate all of them with my sheer physical presence and scare them into tearing up those union cards. I think Jim Spanfeller, current CEO of G/O Media, will support this.

I voted for Donald Trump.

I keep hearing about how important diversity in the workplace is (even if there doesn’t appear to be a lot of racial/ethnic/gender diversity at Jalopnik), and I’m entirely certain that not a single Jalopnik staffer, freelancer, or reader voted for Donald J. Trump in the 2016 Presidential election. Therefore, as EIC, I will bring that most important element of diversity to the staff, and would hire even more Trump supporters when given the opportunity. Also, every single Jalopnik EIC has been a cis white male, so why break that streak? Make Jalopnik Great Again.

I’m prepared to keep it all about cars.

I’ve heard that the reason that another G/O media site, Deadspin, was completely razed to the ground, was because the writers there refused to keep the focus on the main subject of the site — in Deadspin‘s case, that was sports. In Jalopnik‘s case, that would be cars. Easy! I’ve never, ever, written about politics or social subjects here at TTAC. You guys all have short memories, right? Also, ignore that Trump stuff I just wrote.

I have driven a car in a race, and I didn’t even wreck it

Fun story — I once raced with some Jalopnik guys as part of a kinda crazy idea that American Endurance Racing had about four years ago: Take some Road & Track guys and pit them against some Jalops in nearly identical BMWs as part of an actual race. The R&T guys were Larry Webster, Travis Okulski, Sam Smith, Jason Nikic, and me. The Jalops were Patrick George, Jason Torchinsky, Raphael Orlove, and maybe Bill Caswell, if I’m remembering correctly. Needless to say, the R&T team was ahead by multiple laps after 20 minutes.

Patrick was nice enough to ask me to drive the Jalopnik car on Day Two, which would have made for a fun piece of writing — I would have gotten to drive for both teams over the course of the event. Unfortunately, one of the Jalops spun the car early on and was hit hard as a result — the door flew off of the E30 they were driving and reached a height of about fifteen feet in the air before crashing back to Earth.

I wouldn’t have crashed that car. Give me the job. (Also, I wrote a fun article for Jalopnik about the whole thing. Experience matters, guys.)

I turned down the chance to drive a Nissan GT-R at Spa to take my kids to Disney World, and I deserve another shot at that

It’s true. Patrick offered me the chance to do a Jalopnik review of the GT-R, complete with a trip to Belgium to drive the damn thing at Circuit de Spa-Francorchamps, and I had to turn it down because I had booked a family vacation to see the Mouse at the same time. We don’t often get those types of drive opps at TTAC, so I need to become the EIC of Jalopnik so I can take all sorts of needlessly expensive press trips. After all, that’s really what automotive journalism is about. (It rained during that Spa event, anyway, and writers weren’t allowed to go over 80 mph. So, in hindsight, I lucked out by not going. Still.)

I can make my case for being Jalopnik EIC in less than 1,000 words

Most of the shit written at Jalopnik lately is way too long and wordy. Boom.

Join the conversation
2 of 75 comments
  • HotPotato HotPotato on Dec 29, 2019

    Having read the other Baruth blog: crack pipe.

  • Cognoscenti Cognoscenti on Jan 02, 2020

    Lost me at Trump. Got me back when Jack's name was thrown in the ring on accident. What does it say about me that I am thirsty to read the writings of one MAGA brother, but not the other? Sorry to you both for what is apparently my personal problem!

  • Redapple2 I hope i fit in the new version.Wanted one since 1990
  • Redapple2 BeautySoulClass/eleganceRarityExpense.Very interesting series
  • Snickel Fritz I just bought a '97 JX 4WD 4AT, and though it's not quite roadworthy yet I am already in awe of it's simplicity and apparent ruggedness. What I am equally in awe of, is the scarcity of not only parts but correct information regarding anything on this platform. I'm going to do my best to get this little donkey back on it's feet, but I wouldn't suggest this as a project vehicle for anyone who doesn't already have several... and a big impressive shop with a full suite of fabrication/machining/welding equipment, and friends with complimentary skillsets, and extra money, and... you get the idea. If you don't, I urge you to read up on the options for replacing anything on these rigs. I didn't read enough before buying, and I have zero of the above suggested prerequisites... so I'm an idiot, don't listen to me. Go buy all of 'em!
  • Bryan Raab Davis I actually did use the P of D trope, but it was only gentle chiding, for I love old British cars of every sort.
  • ScarecrowRepair The 1907 Panic had several causes of increased demand for money:[list][*]The semi-annual shift of money between farms and cities (to buy for planting and selling harvests)[/*][*]Britain and Germany borrowing for their naval arms race[/*][*]San Francisco reconstruction borrowing after the 1906 earthquake and fire[/*][/list]Two things made it worse:[list][*]Idiotic bans on branch banking, which prevented urban, rural, and other state branches from shifting funds to match demands. This same problem made the Great Depression far worse. Canada, which allowed branch banking, had no bank failures; the US had 9000 failures.[/*][*]Idiotic reserve requirements left over from the Civil War which prevented banks from loaning money; they eventually started honoring IOUs illegally and started the recovery.[/*][/list]Been a while since I read up on it, so I may have some of the details wrong. But it was an amazing clusterfart which could have been avoided or at least tamed sooner if states and the feds hadn't been so ham handed.