Bark's Bites: Vote For Bark to Be Editor-in-Chief of Jalopnik!

Mark "Bark M." Baruth
by Mark "Bark M." Baruth
barks bites vote for bark to be editor in chief of jalopnik

Perhaps you haven’t heard, but our good friend, Patrick George, has left his post as Editor-in-Chief of the widely read G/O Media blog, Jalopnik. He’s now at The Drive, which your author finds a bit strange, since I specifically recall Patrick complaining quite a bit about The Drive being trash and stealing all of its ideas from, well, Jalopnik. But the automotive journalism world is a small one, and when most of us talk stuff about competing blogs, it’s mostly because they won’t hire us to write for them anymore. Ahem. Anyway.

With Patrick’s departure, Mike Ballaban has been named the interim EIC, which made me think, great, just what I needed more white men telling me about cars. But while Mike is generally a good guy who is well-deserving of the job, I can think of somebody who’s even more deserving — me.

That’s right, Jalopnik is looking for a full-time EIC, and I’m just the guy to do it. But I need your support, TTAC readers. Although we may be the Delaware of the Electoral College in comparison to Jalopnik’s New York, our readers are definitely some of the finest people to ever read this blog, and I require your votes in this completely made-up election.

Want reasons why you should cast your ballot for Bark? Read on.

(We here at TTAC aren’t looking to start a rumble with Jalopnik, as entertaining as that might be at the next auto show. Bark is merely expressing why he is and isn’t the best candidate for the only job in automotive journalism more coveted than commenter moderator at TTAC. Bark’s opinions are his own — please remember that before you tweet. – Ed)I own a car.

This would seem like a requirement to run a car blog, but you’d be surprised — after all, Jalopnik once hired a managing editor who didn’t own a car. That being said, I’m pretty sure that most of the transplanted New Yorkers who write for Jalopnik own cars, even if they don’t drive them very often. I think my car-owning status makes me a shoo-in.

I’m completely anti-union.

While most of the current Jalopnik writers have the GMG UNION logo as their current avatar on Twitter, I’m ready to bust up some unions in the tradition of the old newspaper giants — with force, if necessary. This won’t be hard, because at my height of 5’9″ (with heels) and weight of 170 pounds, I would immediately become the largest Jalopnik staff member, and by quite a large margin. I will intimidate all of them with my sheer physical presence and scare them into tearing up those union cards. I think Jim Spanfeller, current CEO of G/O Media, will support this.

I voted for Donald Trump.

I keep hearing about how important diversity in the workplace is (even if there doesn’t appear to be a lot of racial/ethnic/gender diversity at Jalopnik), and I’m entirely certain that not a single Jalopnik staffer, freelancer, or reader voted for Donald J. Trump in the 2016 Presidential election. Therefore, as EIC, I will bring that most important element of diversity to the staff, and would hire even more Trump supporters when given the opportunity. Also, every single Jalopnik EIC has been a cis white male, so why break that streak? Make Jalopnik Great Again.

I’m prepared to keep it all about cars.

I’ve heard that the reason that another G/O media site, Deadspin, was completely razed to the ground, was because the writers there refused to keep the focus on the main subject of the site — in Deadspin‘s case, that was sports. In Jalopnik‘s case, that would be cars. Easy! I’ve never, ever, written about politics or social subjects here at TTAC. You guys all have short memories, right? Also, ignore that Trump stuff I just wrote.

I have driven a car in a race, and I didn’t even wreck it

Fun story — I once raced with some Jalopnik guys as part of a kinda crazy idea that American Endurance Racing had about four years ago: Take some Road & Track guys and pit them against some Jalops in nearly identical BMWs as part of an actual race. The R&T guys were Larry Webster, Travis Okulski, Sam Smith, Jason Nikic, and me. The Jalops were Patrick George, Jason Torchinsky, Raphael Orlove, and maybe Bill Caswell, if I’m remembering correctly. Needless to say, the R&T team was ahead by multiple laps after 20 minutes.

Patrick was nice enough to ask me to drive the Jalopnik car on Day Two, which would have made for a fun piece of writing — I would have gotten to drive for both teams over the course of the event. Unfortunately, one of the Jalops spun the car early on and was hit hard as a result — the door flew off of the E30 they were driving and reached a height of about fifteen feet in the air before crashing back to Earth.

I wouldn’t have crashed that car. Give me the job. (Also, I wrote a fun article for Jalopnik about the whole thing. Experience matters, guys.)

I turned down the chance to drive a Nissan GT-R at Spa to take my kids to Disney World, and I deserve another shot at that

It’s true. Patrick offered me the chance to do a Jalopnik review of the GT-R, complete with a trip to Belgium to drive the damn thing at Circuit de Spa-Francorchamps, and I had to turn it down because I had booked a family vacation to see the Mouse at the same time. We don’t often get those types of drive opps at TTAC, so I need to become the EIC of Jalopnik so I can take all sorts of needlessly expensive press trips. After all, that’s really what automotive journalism is about. (It rained during that Spa event, anyway, and writers weren’t allowed to go over 80 mph. So, in hindsight, I lucked out by not going. Still.)

I can make my case for being Jalopnik EIC in less than 1,000 words

Most of the shit written at Jalopnik lately is way too long and wordy. Boom.

Join the conversation
2 of 75 comments
  • HotPotato HotPotato on Dec 29, 2019

    Having read the other Baruth blog: crack pipe.

  • Cognoscenti Cognoscenti on Jan 02, 2020

    Lost me at Trump. Got me back when Jack's name was thrown in the ring on accident. What does it say about me that I am thirsty to read the writings of one MAGA brother, but not the other? Sorry to you both for what is apparently my personal problem!

  • Brett Woods My 4-Runner had a manual with the 4-cylinder. It was acceptable but not really fun. I have thought before that auto with a six cylinder would have been smoother, more comfortable, and need less maintenance. Ditto my 4 banger manual Japanese pick-up. Nowhere near as nice as a GM with auto and six cylinders that I tried a bit later. Drove with a U.S. buddy who got one of the first C8s. He said he didn't even consider a manual. There was an article about how fewer than ten percent of buyers optioned a manual in the U.S. when they were available. Visited my English cousin who lived in a hilly suburb and she had a manual Range Rover and said she never even considered an automatic. That's culture for you.  Miata, Boxster, Mustang, Corvette and Camaro; I only want manual but I can see both sides of the argument for a Mustang, Camaro or Challenger. Once you get past a certain size and weight, cruising with automatic is a better dynamic. A dual clutch automatic is smoother, faster, probably more reliable, and still allows you to select and hold a gear. When you get these vehicles with a high performance envelope, dual-clutch automatic is what brings home the numbers. 
  • ToolGuy 2019 had better comments than 2023 😉
  • Inside Looking Out In June 1973, Leonid Brezhnev arrived in Washington for his second summit meeting with President Richard Nixon. Knowing of the Soviet leader’s fondness for luxury automobiles, Nixon gave him a shiny Lincoln Continental. Brezhnev was delighted with the present and insisted on taking a spin around Camp David, speeding through turns while the president nervously asked him to slow down.
  • Bobby D'Oppo Great sound and smooth power delivery in a heavier RWD or AWD vehicle is a nice blend, but current V8 pickup trucks deliver an unsophisticated driving experience. I think a modern full-size pickup could be very well suited to a manual transmission.In reality, old school, revvy atmo engines pair best with manual transmissions because it's so rewarding to keep them in the power band on a winding road. Modern turbo engines have flattened the torque curve and often make changing gears feel more like a chore.
  • Chuck Norton For those worried about a complex power train-What vehicle doesn't have one? I drive a twin turbo F-150 (3.5) Talk about complexity.. It seems reliability based on the number of F-150s sold is a non-issue. As with many other makes/models. I mean how many operations are handle by micro today's vehicles?