By on December 23, 2019

Perhaps you haven’t heard, but our good friend, Patrick George, has left his post as Editor-in-Chief of the widely read G/O Media blog, Jalopnik. He’s now at The Drivewhich your author finds a bit strange, since I specifically recall Patrick complaining quite a bit about The Drive being trash and stealing all of its ideas from, well, Jalopnik. But the automotive journalism world is a small one, and when most of us talk stuff about competing blogs, it’s mostly because they won’t hire us to write for them anymore. Ahem. Anyway.

With Patrick’s departure, Mike Ballaban has been named the interim EIC, which made me think, great, just what I needed — more white men telling me about cars. But while Mike is generally a good guy who is well-deserving of the job, I can think of somebody who’s even more deserving — me.

That’s right, Jalopnik is looking for a full-time EIC, and I’m just the guy to do it. But I need your support, TTAC readers. Although we may be the Delaware of the Electoral College in comparison to Jalopnik’s New York, our readers are definitely some of the finest people to ever read this blog, and I require your votes in this completely made-up election.

Want reasons why you should cast your ballot for Bark? Read on.

I own a car.

This would seem like a requirement to run a car blog, but you’d be surprised — after all, Jalopnik once hired a managing editor who didn’t own a car. That being said, I’m pretty sure that most of the transplanted New Yorkers who write for Jalopnik own cars, even if they don’t drive them very often. I think my car-owning status makes me a shoo-in.

I’m completely anti-union.

While most of the current Jalopnik writers have the GMG UNION logo as their current avatar on Twitter, I’m ready to bust up some unions in the tradition of the old newspaper giants — with force, if necessary. This won’t be hard, because at my height of 5’9″ (with heels) and weight of 170 pounds, I would immediately become the largest Jalopnik staff member, and by quite a large margin. I will intimidate all of them with my sheer physical presence and scare them into tearing up those union cards. I think Jim Spanfeller, current CEO of G/O Media, will support this.

I voted for Donald Trump.

I keep hearing about how important diversity in the workplace is (even if there doesn’t appear to be a lot of racial/ethnic/gender diversity at Jalopnik), and I’m entirely certain that not a single Jalopnik staffer, freelancer, or reader voted for Donald J. Trump in the 2016 Presidential election. Therefore, as EIC, I will bring that most important element of diversity to the staff, and would hire even more Trump supporters when given the opportunity. Also, every single Jalopnik EIC has been a cis white male, so why break that streak? Make Jalopnik Great Again.

I’m prepared to keep it all about cars. 

I’ve heard that the reason that another G/O media site, Deadspin, was completely razed to the ground, was because the writers there refused to keep the focus on the main subject of the site — in Deadspin‘s case, that was sports. In Jalopnik‘s case, that would be cars. Easy! I’ve never, ever, written about politics or social subjects here at TTAC. You guys all have short memories, right? Also, ignore that Trump stuff I just wrote.

I have driven a car in a race, and I didn’t even wreck it

Fun story — I once raced with some Jalopnik guys as part of a kinda crazy idea that American Endurance Racing had about four years ago: Take some Road & Track guys and pit them against some Jalops in nearly identical BMWs as part of an actual race. The R&T guys were Larry Webster, Travis Okulski, Sam Smith, Jason Nikic, and me. The Jalops were Patrick George, Jason Torchinsky, Raphael Orlove, and maybe Bill Caswell, if I’m remembering correctly. Needless to say, the R&T team was ahead by multiple laps after 20 minutes.

Patrick was nice enough to ask me to drive the Jalopnik car on Day Two, which would have made for a fun piece of writing — I would have gotten to drive for both teams over the course of the event. Unfortunately, one of the Jalops spun the car early on and was hit hard as a result — the door flew off of the E30 they were driving and reached a height of about fifteen feet in the air before crashing back to Earth.

I wouldn’t have crashed that car. Give me the job. (Also, I wrote a fun article for Jalopnik about the whole thing. Experience matters, guys.)

I turned down the chance to drive a Nissan GT-R at Spa to take my kids to Disney World, and I deserve another shot at that

It’s true. Patrick offered me the chance to do a Jalopnik review of the GT-R, complete with a trip to Belgium to drive the damn thing at Circuit de Spa-Francorchamps, and I had to turn it down because I had booked a family vacation to see the Mouse at the same time. We don’t often get those types of drive opps at TTAC, so I need to become the EIC of Jalopnik so I can take all sorts of needlessly expensive press trips. After all, that’s really what automotive journalism is about. (It rained during that Spa event, anyway, and writers weren’t allowed to go over 80 mph. So, in hindsight, I lucked out by not going. Still.)

I can make my case for being Jalopnik EIC in less than 1,000 words

Most of the shit written at Jalopnik lately is way too long and wordy. Boom.

 

 

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75 Comments on “Bark’s Bites: Vote For Bark to Be Editor-in-Chief of Jalopnik!...”


  • avatar
    MartyToo

    Vote for Bark or crack pi…?

  • avatar
    Fred

    Been awhile since I’ve looked at Jalopnik. Seems like it’s not working right or it has a new design my browser doesn’t render correctly.

  • avatar
    RedRocket

    Hell, no.

  • avatar
    FreedMike

    Call this the “fifth column” editorship.

  • avatar
    EGSE

    I’m surprised this was even published.

    • 0 avatar
      FreedMike

      Methinks you are missing the sarcasm.

    • 0 avatar
      sportyaccordy

      In today’s TTAC, if you pay them enough they will publish anything.

      • 0 avatar
        conundrum

        And pay zero attention to commenters complaining about the useless new site design either. It really is third rate now. When I comment, I expect to be taken to that comment after I post it, like every other site known to the human race. But no, you get only the front page of the article again. Then every other article below it, so that people end up posting on another thread.

        Fix the uselessness, and suspend Healey’s life of attending press junkets for a living until he wakes up and does something useful.

        • 0 avatar
          krhodes1

          It would have to get better to be merely third rate. Third rate is where TTAC is currently.

          I do find the special snowflake crowd of commenters highly amusing and fun to rile up though. Much more so than the Luddites here. The “journalists” over there simply aren’t. But they really aren’t here either this is all “infotainment” not journalism.

  • avatar
    dont.fit.in.cars

    “I will always remember 2018 as the year when the pickups got their full share of the spotlight. It was on my mind as I stopped at the Pilot station in northwestern Ohio at 6:30 Tuesday morning. The lot was filled with pickups, tired-looking men walking back to them carrying tall cups of coffee, ready to start the day. It made me think of a speech I read a while back where Neal Boortz says,
    Speaking of earning, the revered 40-hour workweek is for losers. Forty hours should be considered the minimum, not the maximum. You don’t see highly successful people clocking out of the office every afternoon at five. The losers are the ones caught up in that afternoon rush hour. The winners drive home in the dark.
    He may well be right. But if the winners are driving home in the dark, the workers are leaving home in the dark, part of that massive manual-labor infrastructure, the Morlocks who keep the world going and keep the power turned on so my increasingly-effete colleagues can blog about microaggression from the comfort of their gentrified loft. I’m not saying that I’m one of them – for Christ’s sake, I was wearing a set of two-tone Edward Green spectators as I stepped out of my Chevy work truck – but I’m saying that I’ve seen them. They are the nine-tenths of the iceberg. Just like the trucks they drive. And it’s the iceberg you can’t see that causes the problems. You ignore it at your peril.”
    Jack Baruth

    This alone…gets Jack the seat.

  • avatar
    bunkie

    All my life I have loved cars. I grew up in the era of Big Daddy Roth, Dan Gurney and John Surtees. I love cars almost as much as I love airplanes.

    What does this have to do with the story?

    Because one TTAC is enough. We don’t need another. I do miss the old Jalopnik with it’s playful sense of humor and really funny comments that, for the most part were not a political platform for anyone. It was about the edgy part of this love we have for cars. Jalopnik deserves someone who respects that.

    Frankly, I don’t trust you to do right by Jalopnik.

    So, no.

  • avatar
    twotone

    “I voted for Donald Trump.”

    WTF! If you are EIC I will never visit this site again!

    • 0 avatar
      HattHa

      I’ll visit 10x per day and click every ad that catches my eye

    • 0 avatar
      FreedMike

      Am I the only one who’s sick of the “if you voted for so-and-so I’m not going to associate with you” bulls**t?

      • 0 avatar
        JimZ

        no, you’re not. But I go much further in that I’ve just about f***ing had it with the entire political atmosphere in this country. This “you’re with me or you’re my enemy” s**t (practiced by BOTH SIDES) has got to go.

        • 0 avatar
          FreedMike

          To quote a certain famous fictional ex-hitman who’s currently wandering the world like Cain in Kung Fu: I’m trying REAL HARD to be the shepherd.

        • 0 avatar
          EGSE

          +1e10^6

          I’ve left other forums because they descended into toxic tribalism unrelated to their reason for being. It’s not if you’re all-in, it matters that you’re all-in on EVERY point. Let’s keep that crap out of here.

      • 0 avatar
        Garrett

        I’ve been sick of it for years. It’s beyond silly.

        If you’re going to stop associating with someone, make it for a legitimate reason – for example, they think a CVT is an acceptable transmission in a car.

        • 0 avatar
          jalop1991

          “for example, they think a CVT is an acceptable transmission in a car.”

          Let’s start with not associating with people who hear “Prius has a CVT” and immediately, out of ignorance, ASS-U-ME that means it has a Van Doorne-type belt/pulley driven system–and then go spouting off about the Prius clearly having a failure of a transmission just like a Nissan.

      • 0 avatar
        jalop1991

        “Am I the only one who’s sick of the “if you voted for so-and-so I’m not going to associate with you” bulls**t?”

        In a word: no.

        Am I the only one sick of “your obligation is to read my mind AND actively prevent me from ever being offended, without my saying so much as a word to you–lest you risk being put to death for daring to say whatever is the wrong thing of the moment”.

        • 0 avatar
          JimZ

          “Am I the only one sick of “your obligation is to read my mind AND actively prevent me from ever being offended, without my saying so much as a word to you–lest you risk being put to death for daring to say whatever is the wrong thing of the moment”.”

          probably, because I’ve never encountered any of those people in real life. in fact, I don’t think anyone I know IRL has ever met that kind of person. they just complain about them because right wing TV and web sites tell them to.

          • 0 avatar
            Art Vandelay

            I have met a few. They covered both sides of the political spectrum as well as one who was likely an actual anarchist.

          • 0 avatar
            jalop1991

            @JimZ: “I’ve never encountered any of those people in real life. in fact, I don’t think anyone I know IRL has ever met that kind of person. they just complain about them because right wing TV and web sites tell them to.”

            https://www.huffpost.com/entry/whitney-cummings-merry-christmas_n_5dfd1477e4b0843d35fbb76f?guccounter=1

            “Last year ― I was working on a TV show ― [and I] got in trouble with human resources for saying ‘merry Christmas’ to an intern,” Cummings told host Conan O’Brien.

            “I was leaving, like on the 18th … and I was like, ‘Bye, guys. Merry Christmas.’ Like just a formality, what you would say,” she went on. “I come back, like, June 6th. HR calls me and they’re like, ‘Hey, we need to talk to you. One of the interns is pissed off that you said merry Christmas.’”

            Although Cummings said she meant it more as a “formality” than anything else, O’Brien argued that “in these times we’re in, that could trigger someone or offend them if it’s not their holiday.”

            Cummings agreed, and said that she asked HR what she could’ve said instead.

            “That’s why I said, ‘Well, what should I have said? Do they celebrate something else?’” Cummings said. “And they were like, ‘Well, no, they’re agnostic.’ And I was like, ‘No, no, no, no, no. You do not get to do that.’”

            The former “Roseanne” showrunner added that “had I known that this person was agnostic, that would mean we were in a relationship, like ― that would mean we were intimately connected.”

            “I should not know who believes in God and who doesn’t,” she continued. “I also can’t guess either, you know? I can’t, like, guess your holiday based on what you look like. That’s offensive ― that’s very offensive.”

  • avatar
    dal20402

    Sounds like a fit that would be about as ideal as said Mr. Trump as preznit.

  • avatar
    mjg82

    Haven’t frequented that site since the dude who boned Porsche’s was in charge. Maybe lingered during the Hardigree days. Murilee is over here so there’s little incentive to venture out. Stay here dude.

  • avatar
    spookiness

    Good luck.

  • avatar
    ajla

    FARAGO.

  • avatar
    dingo426

    The second and third points not just discredit you but provokes me to stop reading you. I hope this is just sarcasm.

  • avatar
    ScarecrowRepair

    Linux ‘wc’ says 1031 words.

  • avatar
    brn

    It’s Jalopnik. Do whatever you want. The site isn’t about the stories, it’s about commentors trying to outwit each other. Go for it!

  • avatar
    Matthew H

    I will stuff the ballot box for you.
    On your first day as EIC, I ask that you require all Jalops to assemble with their vehicles at predetermined parking lot out of the shithole known as NYC.
    1. Their first task is to change a tire.
    Fire everyone on the spot who requires more than 10 minutes to complete this task.
    2. Fire everyone remaining.
    3. Treat yourself to a good steak (no, expense it) as you reflect on a productive first day.

  • avatar
    SoCalMikester

    theres always someone who doesnt take their vote seriously and just wants to watch the world burn. if anything its just been proven that literally anyone could run this country. even corky from life goes on.

  • avatar
    Vulpine

    I hope that means fixing their blasted forum chat system. The setup they have now makes it impossible for me, even WITH legitimate login access, to post any commentary, whatsoever.

    • 0 avatar
      JimZ

      what happens when you try?

      • 0 avatar
        Vulpine

        @JimZ: Absolutely nothing. No post and it asks me to verify my login with their Kinka password. I can do this a dozen times and the post doesn’t take.

        Doesn’t matter what platform I use or what web browser I choose.

        • 0 avatar
          JimZ

          are you on iOS and trying to use a Google account? iOS 13 broke a lot of cross-site cookies/scripting.

          • 0 avatar
            Vulpine

            I’m usually on MacOS with either Safari, Opera or Firefox. The actions are identical, no matter the browser, and have been for over a year. I’ve tried on Windows 10 (a different machine) with the same results.

            I even tried creating a new Kinka account with absolutely no difference.

          • 0 avatar
            sgeffe

            Along with Safari completely messing-up the tab order of any open tabs! Last week’s TTAC content at the top, and this in the middle, of about 15 open ones!

  • avatar
    How_Embarrassing_4You

    G/O media is full of know it all morons who allow people to do some really sh#$ty things to people they dont agree with. Why on earth would you want to be associated with that?

  • avatar

    I will only vote for you if fire David Tracy. I don’t want to read about a guy who “rescues” garbage rust-bucket Jeeps that should have been put in the junkyard 20 years ago… Everything about it is cringeworthy.

    His articles actually make me want to head over to AutoTrader and read Doug Demuro!

  • avatar
    cimarron typeR

    You’ve got my vote. I haven’t been on that site in a long while. I was only a lurker anyway. Not sure ,but it wasn’t my gig at the time. All’s I know is that the creative writing in all the aforementioned media outlets above surpass current Motor Trend by a large margin.

  • avatar
    ravenchris

    Tell me how to vote for you!

  • avatar
    conundrum

    Only read Jalopnik for new car first drives. They’re in general far better than what’s doled out here and written in a livelier tone. This place is a mere ghost of its past, run by journeymen.

    Never been a fan of Bark. So if you actually want to be EIC of Jalopnik, fine by me. Win the position on their terms and your merit, not with whipped-up social media backing from anyone else. Unless they’re convinced of your magnificence. That wouldn’t be me.

  • avatar
    roloboto

    Jalopnik sucks so bad.

  • avatar
    Maymar

    Should someone who’s pretty much only owned new cars since getting their license really run a place whose name is derived from ‘jalopy’?

  • avatar
    jalop1991

    “I can make my case for being Jalopnik EIC in less than 1,000 words”

    ahem. “…fewer than 1,000 words”. One would think an editor would know that.

    Fewer snowflakes falling means less snow on the ground.

  • avatar
    jalop1991

    Only if you promise to kill adding “-lopnik” to random words.

    “Planelopnik”? So a “ja” is a car, right?

  • avatar
    Rod Panhard

    Hilarious point Bark.

    File that one under “Jobs I wouldn’t touch with a 100-foot pole.” Jalopnik is the only car web site where most of the writers seem to hate cars.

    • 0 avatar
      jalop1991

      “Jalopnik is the only car web site where most of the writers seem to hate cars.”

      Take broke millenials who voluntarily move to NYC and tell them, “go write about cars!” And you wonder why you get a train wreck?

      At least they’re writing about cars, instead of everything BUT cars. One wonders how they avoided the Deadspin fate.

  • avatar
    Superdessucke

    I’d totally vote for you man but they won’t even publish my snarky comments over there. I’ve tried a few times and gave up. So I doubt my vote would have any sway. Sorry.

  • avatar
    EX35

    I wonder if we can convince Farago to come back and fix TTAC if we beg him enough. I don’t see this website making it though 2020 if not.

    • 0 avatar
      Jack Baruth

      Beg him? Robert and I have made three separate attempts to BUY the site from VerticalScope and fix it. They’d rather run it into the ground and keep the perception that this is a prestige buy for certain advertising demographics.

  • avatar
    -Nate

    Interesting .

    I don’t ken Jalopnik , prolly because I’m too old and grumpy .

    ? Am I a snowflake or Luddite ? .

    -Nate

  • avatar

    If you voted for T-word then you have to be Russian spy. As Russian I was obliged to do the same by my former Government.

    BTW I occasionally read Jalopnik because it constantly pops up in my Google news stream.

  • avatar
    HotPotato

    Having read the other Baruth blog: crack pipe.

  • avatar
    cognoscenti

    Lost me at Trump. Got me back when Jack’s name was thrown in the ring on accident. What does it say about me that I am thirsty to read the writings of one MAGA brother, but not the other? Sorry to you both for what is apparently my personal problem!

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