Aston Martin Mistakenly Casts Tom Brady as a Brand Ambassador

The notion of American football being included in a non-pickup automotive advertisement is already ridiculous. I have nothing against the NFL personally. It has an exceptionally broad appeal, but it evokes a sort of blue-collar stars and stripes forever type of pride that makes it a superb platform to promote army recruitment and Ford’s F-150.

So, when I found out that Aston Martin — one of the most sophisticated brands in history — was making Tom Brady the face of its next advertising campaign, I was understandably upset. Not quite catching your girlfriend in the backseat of a Kia with your best friend upset, more like your dad telling you he’s starting an emo band upset. There’s an overwhelming sense of confusion and a pressing urge to do everything in your power to stop it from happening, because you know it’s all an egregious mistake and feel that — deep down — they must realize it, too.

I also don’t particularly care for Tom Brady. He’s that perfect blend of goofy and handsome that makes you feel simultaneously inadequate and superior. He might be good enough for GQ and supermodel Gisele Bündchen, but Aston Martin? Not on your life.

Brady is a Cadillac CTS at best — yet Aston saw fit to place him right next to a $215,000 DB11 as part of its new “Category of One: Why Beautiful Matters” campaign like he fucking belongs there.

Even after shelving my irrational hated for the man, which was exceptionally difficult, I cannot piece this mess together. Firstly, Aston Martin needs a “face” about as much as Ferrari does. The brand should speak for itself as often as possible. I get that Aston is building a crossover and wants to grab more of the market but so does Lamborghini — and it’s approaching the matter without tapping celebrities with a gee-shucks persona.

Besides, Aston Martin already has the coolest celebrity endorsement in the business with its James Bond connection. Granted, Bond is entirely fictional, but take a moment to compare the two anyway. In one corner, we have a mysterious, impeccably dressed killing machine that spends every second playing by his own rules. In the other, we have Tom Brady — an extremely talented athlete whose biggest claim to fame is that he’s one of the few high-profile NFL players that hasn’t committed a violent crime. While that’s admirable, I have a suspicion it has more to do with his not being burdened with human emotions than being a moral person.

Brady is also willing to endorse anything with a paycheck attached to it, including UGG brand shoes and specialty biometric pajamas that are supposed to somehow “energize” you overnight. While this probably makes him an easy get for Aston, why would it want the same man who ate food off the floor in an Intel commercial?

Alright, I’m going to come clean. I never really put aside my personal bias against Tom. There was a point where I thought I had pulled it off but now I’m just angrily looking through photos of him smiling with that toddler-sized mouth he has the audacity show in public. It must take that guy a week to eat a single ear of corn.

Getting back on topic, Aston Martin is claiming the partnership will be long term and will center around Brady’s “affinity for the love of beautiful.”

“Brady will seek to share visualizations of where he sees beauty in his sporting moments, what he sees as beautiful in life, and what continues to compel him to pursue greatness after five Super Bowl wins and four MVP Awards,” reads the official announcement.

In addition to receiving his own DB11 to tool around in, Brady will also design very his own Vanquish S — of which the company is rumored to build as a limited edition model.

“Aston Martin exemplifies dedication to the craft of car making through a meticulous attention to detail,” Brady said. “While 104 years of heritage are reflected in each hand-built car, with product from the DB11 to the Aston Martin Valkyrie, this brand is primed to excel for the next 100 years as well. As a long-time fan and driver I am honored to join the Aston Martin team at this special moment in the company’s history.”

That sounds like a totally organic, unprompted, natural response.

I’m livid.