QOTD: What Would 'The Modern Bandit' Drive?

Burt Reynolds and his 1977 Pontiac Trans Am in “Smokey and the Bandit”, complete with gold on black screaming chicken and honeycomb wheels, are solidly part of the zeitgeist of the late ’70s.

But what if they weren’t?

From Burt’s perfectly manicured mustache to the Trans Am’s perfectly sculpted grille resembling said mustache, the film about running Coors beer from Texarkana to Georgia is solidly a product of its time. Being born seven years after the release of “Smokey and the Bandit” and in a country with arguably very different ideas on what constitutes beer, I’ve never fully-grasped the cultural relevance of the flick.

Bringing the idea as a concept into modern day cinema, you get pretty close to the first instalment of “The Fast and the Furious” – uber-macho main character that smuggles/steals, a handsome cop who takes a liking to a female character with ties to said uber-macho main character, and a plot wrapped around a series of car chases (let’s call that filler). But, just like the ’70s film, the first F&F is also very much a product of its time. Released 14 (!!!) years ago, almost every vehicle sans Toretto’s Charger is a disposable heap ‘tuned’ with horsepower stickers and very, very fast lowering kits.

We still have the F&F franchise to satiate our need for over-the-top car chases interwoven with mind-numbing plot. What we don’t have is the purity of The Bandit giving Smokey a hard time.

Let’s bring “Smokey and the Bandit” into 2015.

First, we need to start with the star, not the car, because – let’s face it – Burt is a year shy of turning 80 and probably not the person you want leading an action-comedy. This requires us to identify some sort of modern day Burt Reynolds equivalent. We also must be careful jumping the casting shark – looking at you “The Dukes of Hazzard”.

My suggestion: Ryan Reynolds. While his ability to grow a mustache is limited, Ryan has the ability to compensate using witty charm and overall good looks. Also, his smile is as devilish as any grin thrown by the aforementioned Burt. To top it off, Ryan is a genuine gearhead, though mostly of the two-wheeled variety with a penchant for Deus bikes.

Obviously, the Bandit can’t ride a bike (well, he probably can, but won’t). For all the character’s tough guy flaws, I can’t see Bandit wearing a shirt emblazoned with “If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off” across his back like a pseudo biker gang member with a dental degree. The Bandit would never let said lady fall off in the first place. So, our leading man must drive a car or at least something enclosed with four wheels that can be licensed for highway use.

Let’s use the 1977 Pontiac Trans Am’s then $8,000 value as a baseline. That brings us to a llittle under $35,000 in today’s money. Also, you probably don’t want another 1977 Pontiac Trans Am even if you can acquire one at $35,0000 threshold as any Screaming Chicken (not the euphemism) on sale today has sat around a used car lot acting as a beacon for simple-minded slack-jawed mouth-breathers to come in and spend their cash a la Jeremy Piven’s “ The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard.” You’ll probably want to go new – or nearly new – so let’s put a limit on this car being MY2010 or greater.

So, restrictions set – 2010 or newer, $35,000 “speedy car” budget – what would ‘The Modern Bandit’ drive? BONUS: Since you can now buy Coors – for better or worse – virtually anywhere, what would Snowman be smuggling to Georgia?