Bark's Bites: The World's Fastest Chevrolet Captiva, Or Why You Should Buy A Used Equinox Instead

Mark "Bark M." Baruth
by Mark "Bark M." Baruth
bark s bites the world s fastest chevrolet captiva or why you should buy a used

“Sir, I apologize for your wait,” said the wrinkled, harried, middle-aged man at the rental counter. His face showed the wear of having spent every bit of fifty hours a week inside a 10′ x 10′ box at the airport garage for years. “As you can see, we’re extremely busy this morning. The moment we have a car available for you, we will get you one.”

As a frequent business traveler, I admit it-I am a travel snob. I hold the most elite status possible with three different hotel chains. I assume a First Class upgrade on all flights. Most importantly, I prowl rental cars lots with the efficiency and speed of a Great White Shark. I won’t take a car with over ten thousand miles on the clock, or without a USB port. And I never, EVER take a…

…2012 Chevrolet Captiva Sport/Saturn Vue/Opel Antara/Daewoo Winstorm. The rental-only queen that has been showing up as an Enterprise car on used car lots all across America (warning-if you ever do a CarFax search on a late-model used car and “fleet sale” shows up, RUN). Yet, unfortunately, on this incredibly hot day in Salt Lake City, that was the “first car available” following my twenty-minute wait. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge. It was either take it or wait even longer-and whatever showed up next might be worse. I figuratively held my nose and sat down behind the wheel.

Your not-so-esteemed author was previously the proud owner of a 2011 Chevrolet Equinox 1LT four-cylinder. I drove it about fifteen thousand miles before seeing the light and chopping it in for a Flex. I know the faults and virtues of that model pretty well. As I pulled away from the rental car garage, therefore, it occurred to me that many TTAC readers might be wondering the following:

“Bark, I have about $22k to spend on a mid-size CUV. I’ve seen 2012 Captivas and 2011 Equinoxes in that range-if I can get a rip-roaring deal on a Captiva, should I get it and save the money over the Equinox?”

And the answer is: go read our own Alex Dykes’ excellent review of this car and make your own sensible decision.

If, on the other hand, you want to know how fast the Captiva is, stick around. Off to the Bonneville Salt Flats! Regular Bark’s Bites readers (Hi Mom!) will remember our sordid tale of rescuing a stuck rental driver from the flats. If you haven’t read that, click this link, read it, and come back.

Back? Ok, good. As you’ve just read, the official speedway part of the Salt Flats was completely flooded on this day, and I imagine many days before and since.

Luckily, the three and a half mile access road out to the flats were just fine. During August, when the flats are formally open, the speed limit on the service road is rigorously enforced. When the flats are flooded and nobody’s on the road, it’s possible to get away with a little more. Cue the GoPro (warning: do not try this on your own salt flats at home. Driver is a fully-insured autocrosser with low eyes and twitchy hands)!

One hundred ten electronically-limited miles per hour, and it didn’t take abnormally long to get there. And here’s the funny thing-it actually felt pretty good at that speed. Stability was good, ride was relatively quiet (considering that I had the windows down), and, most importantly, neither the brakes nor the engine overheated as I slowed the car to a halt. Although the ambient temperature out on the salt flats was hovering in the 105-degree range, engine temperature peaked at a reasonable 195 degrees during our flat-out and quickly cooled afterwards.

It’s amazing how a triple-digit jaunt can change your opinion of most cars. Unfortunately, the Captiva Sport isn’t one of them. It’s still ugly as your back-up prom date, still gets poor gas mileage for the segment, and still has electronics and displays that probably felt out of date the first day a Saturn Vue rolled off the assembly line. The stereo system was incapable of properly reproducing Jimmy Garrison’s work on “A Love Supreme,” thereby rendering it useless to anyone who appreciates real music. It’s simply not better at anything than an Equinox.

So… should you get the ex-rental ride Captiva over the still-in-showroom-demand Equinox? I’d have to say: no. The savings represented over a similar vintage Equinox only really amount to a grand or two, and the Equinox is a modern CUV that your neighbors will nod approvingly at in your driveway. The Captiva simply isn’t.

Not that we didn’t enjoy the Captiva while we had it. How often does even the most frequent of fliers get to drive a car on the famed Salt Flats or wind one out without fear of a massive speeding ticket? But that just goes to show: even lame cars, in the right situation, can be a whole lot of fun.

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  • 3Deuce27 3Deuce27 on Aug 01, 2013

    Returning from the fun side of the line in Wendover, we hit the access road to our camp and the Flats. We had noticed over the years the amount of noise vehicles returning to the _'Roads End'_ camp, make at night on the access road. Of course a lot of them were Rodders with Hot Rods and they had a bit of beer and speed up, initially, and then coast into camp in neutral in the ... COL! Stealth mode. As it wasn't too late and we were sober, we decided to give the now mostly quiet camp an aural display of a certain auditory magnitude, a vehicle at very high speeds, moving through the night towards them. As we turned off the highway on to the access road and rolled past the service station to a stop, I checked the gauges and flipped on the electric fans for a minute or two while I jumped out and checked the tire pressures, all good. Jumped back in, cautioned my friend to check his belts and roll up his window. Temps good_ oil pressure good_ belts tight_ windows closed_ fans off_ dash lights dimmed_ E-brake off... time to go. I moved the SVO over to the center line. Took a good look down the road that seemed to disappear into infinity. We checked our guts, and we were off. First gear... second... third... fourth gear... Wow! The sound of a plane in a steep, high speed dive, entered the cabin. The road, raised off the Flats, that seemed plenty wide enough in the day time or at legal speeds, sure was getting narrow, and it seemed like we were driving into a dark tunnel that was getting narrower and narrower, and the lights of the camp were coming up fast, too fast. Time to haul this Pony down, not good form to enter camp at anything but a safe speed. And we might face some rebuke from some of the touchy early risers if we neared the camp at speed and disturbed them. Slowed to a respectable speed, and thankful this Pony had the biggest brakes ever put on a Mustang, brakes that the 16" wheels barely fit over, we quietly rolled into camp. Sitting in camp with a relaxing Corona, watching the stars and the Airforce jocks on night dog fights, we listened to the SVO's electric oil pump cycle cooling oil through the turbo as the engine crackled and popped, cooling down from its attempt at levitating into flight. For a time there during the run, it seemed other worldly. Like we had entered an amorphous zone. Not quite of this world, but threatened by its rigidity. 'How fast did we go', my friend asked... 'I don't know.' 'Was so engrossed in the view through the windshield, and keeping the car on the road, I didn't think to look' 'but I think we pulled max RPM in fourth, which would put us around 135+'. Plenty fast at night on road raised above the Flats with no visual references to signify your speed or give you a grounded reference. At that speed, it seemed like a narrow ribbon of road going through black space with no shoulder, and no earth below. No body complained the next morning, though, we did get a few curious looks, I could never quite interpreted. No Children, Puppies, or Bunny Rabbits were harmed in the this high speed hoon run.

  • Philadlj Philadlj on Aug 01, 2013

    These are a common sight parked in our office's "Reserved for Visitors" spots.

  • Chuck Norton And guys are having wide spread issues with the 10 speed transmission with the HP numbers out of the factory......
  • Zerofoo "Hyundais just got better and better during the 1990s, though, and memories of those shoddy Excels faded."Never. A friend had an early 90s Hyundai Excel as his college beater. One day he decided that the last tank of gas he bought was worth more than the car. He drove it to empty and then he and his fraternity brothers pushed it into the woods and left it there.
  • Kwik_Shift There are no new Renegades for sale within my geographic circle of up to 85 kms. Looks like the artificial shortage game. They bring one in, 10 buyers line up for it, $10,000 over MSRP. Yeah. Like with a lot of new cars.
  • Ribbedroof In Oklahoma, no less!
  • Ribbedroof Have one in the shop for minor front collision repairs right now,I've seen more of these in the comments than in the 30 years I've been in collision repair.