Small SUV Crashopalooza: Detroit Loses, Dykes Win

Bertel Schmitt
by Bertel Schmitt

SUVs are usually regarded as safer than small cars. However, “most of the small SUVs tested for safety in crashes did not fare well in more stringent tests” performed by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS), Reuters says.

“US small SUVs scored badly,” writes the wire. Top honors took a trucklet that, according to the Urban Dictionary, is “driven by post-menopausal lesbians:” The Subaru Forester.

IIHS Small SUV Crash RatingsMake, modelModerate overlap frontSide impactRolloverRearSmall overlap front2014 Subaru ForesterGGGGG2013 Mitsubishi Outlander SportGGGGA2013 BMW X1GGGGM2013 Honda CR-VGGGGM2013 Volkswagen TiguanGGGGM2013 Buick EncoreGGGGP2013 Ford EscapeGGGGP2013 Hyundai TucsonGGGGP2013-14 Jeep PatriotGGGGP2013 Kia SportageGGGGP2013-14 Mazda CX-5GGGGM2013 Toyota RAV4GGGGNA2013 Nissan RogueGGAGM2013 Mitsubishi OutlanderGGAANA2013 Suzuki Grand VitaraGAAMNA2013 Jeep Wrangler 2 doorGPNAMM

The Forester is the only small SUV that received a “good” rating in the newly added Small Front Overlap Test. The Mitsubishi Outlander Sport received an “acceptable” rating on the overlap test, and made second. The Forester and the Outlander were the only small SUVs to be awarded the IHS “Top Safety Pick+.”

The best-rated Detroit trucklet is the Buick Encore on place 6 with a poor Small Overlap rating. The Jeep Wrangler brings up the rear with a truly mediocre showing. Boo, hiss, Detroit – pussy-whipped by a Japanese transgender crossover that is also known as a “vag-wag?”

PS: Before you start to tar and feather me for Detroit bashing LGBT discrimination, please be notified that according to the all-knowing Wikipedia, the term “dyke” originated “as a derogatory label for a masculine woman, and this usage still exists.” Shame on them. “However, some persons attempt to use it in a manner that they see as positive, or as a neutral synonym for lesbian,” and those persons include the Schmitts.

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  • Juniper Juniper on May 17, 2013

    Nice Job BS. I thought you were running a car site.(:

  • Dan Dan on May 17, 2013

    I'm not sure what's funnier, Bertel's headline or the flock of self-important whiners it brought out of the closet and into conniptions. Well done, Mr. Schmitt! (There's a Subaru in the driveway as I type this.)

    • Marc Marc on May 17, 2013

      I am neither self-important nor in the closet. I am not sure why anyone in 2013 thinks it is whining to point out when someone is being offensive, especially when their offensive comments VIOLATE THEIR OWN POLICIES.

  • Zerofoo "there are almost 20,000 Ram 2500s and Jeep Gladiators for sale"How many days inventory is that?
  • Akear The Prius outsells all GM EVs combined, which is really not saying much.
  • Akear The sad truth is the only vehicle FCA sold that broke the 200,000 sales barrier was the 200. I rented one and found it impressive. It is certainly better than the Renegade. At this point I would buy a used 200 over a Renegade. Who in their right mind would buy a Renegade?
  • Akear I just realized 80% of these EV vehicles producers are going to be liquidated within the next five years. It is not possible to survive by selling only 3000 vehicles a year. This reminds me of the bust of the late 90s and early 2000s. Those who don't learn from history repeat it.
  • 3SpeedAutomatic I drove a rental Renegade a few years back. Felt the engine (TIgerShark) was ready was ready to pop out from under the hood. Very crude!! Sole purpose was CAFE offsets. Also drove a V6 Cherokee which was very nice and currently out of production. Should be able to scoop up one at a fair deal.🚗🚗🚗